The Minion (1998)

The Minion (1998)-* * *

Directed by: Jean-Marc Piche

Starring: Dolph Lundgren and Francoise Robertson













When archaeologist Karen Goodleaf (Robertson) goes to investigate a burial site found underneath New York City, she gets way more than she bargained for. Among the relics is an ancient key. This key just happens to unlock the hiding place of  “The Minion”, a devil or demon of some sort. Luckily, Lukas (Dolph), is sent from a monastery in Jerusalem to help recover the key before it falls into the wrong hands. As it turns out, Lukas is a direct descendent of The Templars, and his “warrior priest” status helps Karen fend off the powers of The Minion, whose spirit can inhabit the bodies of others. What will happen to the mysterious key?

The Minion has some noteworthy ideas, such as modern-day Templars, and the dialogue is fairly interesting, or at least attempts to be. For example, The Minion has the ability to turn you into a were-minion. So many DTV movies seem like they’re not even trying; say what you will about The Minion, you could tell the filmmakers were at least putting forth some effort into delivering a product with some worthwhile thought put into it. The dialogue to convey said ideas is delivered convincingly by Dolph, who must have chosen this role because it’s a bit different than what he’s usually known for (or he was hitting a rough patch in his career and had no other option but to go to Canada and shoot this).

Now while there are historical references (among plenty of mumbo-jumbo, of course) - the film borrows heavily from such contemporary movies as The Relic (1997), but crosses it with C.H.U.D. (1984), of all things. Dolph  can only stop the evil with a huge spiked glove, highly reminiscent of The Glove (1979). But it’s one of the cooler aspects of this movie nonetheless. Actually, an entire movie could - nay - MUST be made of Dolph fighting more baddies and punks with a spiked glove. Come to think of it, forget all this mystical demon noise. Dolph and “The Glove” forever! Who’s with us? Anyway, add in a demon in some kind of supernatural prison, and Dolph as the most badass dude to wear a white Priest’s collar, and you have a decently entertaining Dolph vehicle, despite its flaws.

It may not be one of Dolph’s shining moments, but The Minion really isn’t all that bad. It’s a good one-time watch.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Detention (2003)

Detention (2003)-*

Directed by: Sidney J. Furie

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Alex Karzis, Kata Dobo, Larry Day, and Mif

Sam Decker (Dolph) was “The Best” as a soldier in the Bosnia conflict. Now he’s a gym/history teacher at Lincoln High School. After receiving another job offer, he announces his last day in this hellhole of stupid, annoying punk kids. But then he’s put on detention duty. While babysitting a roundup of stereotypes, a group of Hungarian drug runners led by Lamb (Karzis) and Gloria (Dobo) - and of course Alek (Mif) put the school on lockdown and then start shooting at/terrorizing who happens to be left after school that day. It’s now up to the heroic Mr. Decker to get the kids to safety and take down the baddies, using only what he happens to find in the way of school supplies. Will Decker sentence his enemies to detention - permanently?

Now while it was somewhat cool to see Dolph as a high school teacher, this Nu-Image take on The Principal (1987) and The Substitute (1996) is run-of-the-mill at best. Its “Die Hard in a school” scenario turns the dumbness factor to 11 and is filled with amazingly inane, insipid dialogue, but somehow finds no time for any surprises, twists, or anything at all that would make this outing worthwhile, plotwise. This is certainly the closest Dolph has yet come to being in an urban justice-type movie. But just imagine Lethal Tender (1997) meets The Breakfast Club (1985). Now these are some REALLY Dangerous Minds.

This movie is just horribly written. Besides the horrendous dialogue mentioned earlier, it’s never properly or clearly explained just why these bad guys are taking over the school. We learn once we’re deep into the film that they’re drug runners, but that’s it. Their motivation for doing what they do should have been much clearer. It’s like the writers found it hard to find a reason why antagonists would take over a school, so they just slacked off and didn’t really bother to explain it. Plus, other characters are unexplained/forgotten. 

Never mind all the audience-insulting gaps in logic and plot holes, which normally we don’t point out or care about, but here it’s just so irritatingly sloppy and nonsensical, it’s not even fun. And at 98 minutes, Detention does indeed feel like a punishment.

What makes it really sad is that director Sidney J. Furie has had a long and rich career that dates back to the 50’s. He’s an experienced director and really should have known better. He worked with Dolph the year after this on Direct Action (2004) and also directed The Rage (1997). What he should have realized is that this movie needed more goons for Dolph to dispatch and less super-annoying kids. 

Karzis was decent as the head bad guy, but this role easily could have gone to Corey Feldman. Or, even better, Kim Coates. He must have been busy working on something nearby, as this movie was shot in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, and Coates tends to appear in these low-budget Canadian productions.  Really, Detention is very similar to Command Performance (2009), except that here he’s the cool teacher instead of the cool drummer, and they’re trapped in a school instead of a stadium. And Command Performace is a lot better.

Despite the presence of  1. an exploding helicopter 2. the fact that the principal has a nameplate that says “L. Neeson” but we don’t see him, presumably implying that the principal of the school is Liam Neeson but we conveniently don’t see him after school 3. the end credits song is typical Nu-Image Nu-metal by a Nu band named “Feebo”, thus proving anything that uses the spelling “Nu” sucks, and  4. There’s a credit at the end for “emotional support”, which makes sense, because by about the 70 minute mark you’re certainly enduring Detention, not enjoying it - so  this is a movie that is kept afloat solely by the presence and likability of Dolph Lundgren. Like fellow Nu-Image production The Last Warrior (2000), this movie would be unbearable if he wasn’t in the cast.

Except for Dolph, this movie is so lame, it makes “Teach Tony Danza” look like a bad-ass action movie. Watching this crud is like fingernails on a blackboard.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty