Fatal Beauty (1987)

Fatal Beauty (1987)- * * *

Directed by: Tom Holland

Starring: Whoopi Goldberg, Sam Elliot, Harris Yulin, Mike Jolly, Brad Dourif, Cheech Marin, M.C. Gainey, James Le Gros, and Ruben Blades







***1200th Review!***

Rita Rizzoli (Whoopi) is an L.A. undercover cop with a sassy attitude.  So far, so Whoopi. Things get very un-Whoopi-like when a shipment of a hot new drug called Fatal Beauty hits the streets. Its mixture of cocaine, PCP, and God-knows-what-else is so deadly and destructive, it’s turning obese men of color into unstoppable zombies. 

When the Whoopster traces the drug cartel back to criminal mastermind Conrad Kroll (Yulin) - and you know he’s evil because his name is Conrad Kroll - she wants answers and justice. Kroll’s head of security, Mike Marshak (Elliott) at first tries to keep Rita away from his employer, but soon is following her around town on her adventures like a puppy dog. Eventually, the two unlikely heroes team up to fight under-baddies such as Leo Nova (Dourif) and Earl (Jolly). What hijinks will Whoopi come up with next? Will it mix well with drug-fueled violence? Find out today!

Much like how in the great Collision Course (1989), Jay Leno shot people and beat them up, here fellow comedian Whoopi Goldberg does more of the same. The 80’s were the golden time for the action comedy - Red Heat (1988) and Action Jackson (1988) come to mind as parallels here, but the obvious comparison is Beverly Hills Cop (1984). There are many comparisons to be made, right down to both having a Harold Faltermeyer score, and we won’t bore you by running down the list of similarities, but let’s just say this: Fatal Beauty is a surprisingly entertaining and fast-paced jaunt with a great cast, wonderful 80’s vibe, and a wisecracking Whoopi. That’s a pretty nice package if we do say so ourselves. 

As regular readers know, we always enjoy when an unorthodox star tries their hand at action, and we applaud Whoopi for playing against type as an Italian-American (?) cop with her finger on the trigger.

Speaking of unorthodox, the main baddie, played by Harris Yulin, is mainly known to us as co-star of Short Fuse (1986) - remember when Art Garfunkel had a Short Fuse? We certainly do, and if you think Whoopi was an unusual choice, that’s nothing compared to that inspired casting decision. 

John P. Ryan is a sort of under-the-radar fan favorite of ours, having appeared in Avenging Force (1986) and Delta Force 2 (1990) among many others, and here he plays the WYC (or White Yelling Chief) who is always riding Whoopi but knows she gets results. Sam Elliott’s mustache is comforting, Ruben Blades is wry, Brad Dourif is unhinged, James Le Gros and M.C. Gainey are in the mix as well, and Cheech Marin has a cameo as a bartender. We haven’t seen a cameo like that since Whoopi was in Beverly Hills Brats (1989). Maybe we should say Fatal Beauty is a cross between Beverly Hills Cop and Beverly Hills Brats.

It all ends with a pretty cool mall shootout, and it should also be noted that there are plenty of racial slurs that most likely would not be in the script today. That’s just one extra element that preserves the 80’s vibe. Director Tom Holland does indeed keep things moving, and that may come from a background in horror movies - he’s probably best known for Fright Night (1985) and Child’s Play (1988). Interestingly, in further comparisons with Action Jackson, they both have an end-credits song by Madame X.

Fatal Beauty, at this point in history, could fairly be called (what we have termed) a ‘Video-Store Classic’. You know how we’re always asking about the more obscure titles, “who actually rented this?”, well, we know people actually rented Fatal Beauty. And they probably had a good time watching it, as we did, and you more than likely will too.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Champions (1997)

Champions (1997)- * *

Directed by: Peter Gathings Bunche

Starring: Louis Mandylor, Danny Trejo, Jeff Wolfe, Lee Reherman, George "Buck" Flower, Bobbie Blackford, Kool Keith, and Ken Shamrock

William Rockman (Mandylor) was a professional fighter who decided to become a Martial Arts instructor for children after accidentally killing an opponent in a tragic training accident. When Congress outlaws UFC-style underground fighting (is this supposed to take place in the future?), it morphs into something called “Terminal Combat”, a far deadlier sport (and should have been the title for this movie). When Rockman’s brother Ray Rockman (Wolfe) is killed by reigning Brakus/Tong Po-style super-evil baddie The King (Shamrock), well…you might find this surprising, but William comes out of retirement to get revenge for his fallen brother. It just so happens that unscrupulous Terminal Combat promoter Max Brito (Trejo) is staging the biggest contest yet – a multi-billion dollar fight extravaganza broadcast by satellite. He gets fighters from all over the country, imprisons them in his lair, puts chips in their necks so he can control them, and forces them to fight to the death for amusement and big bucks. But they didn’t count on one thing – the scrappy and tenacious William Rockman. He now has to corral the other remaining, non-dead fighters to break out of prison and save the day. Will their fate be terminal…or will they come out as CHAMPIONS?

Watching Champions is the Punchfighting equivalent of what a doctor must feel like when they are observing a patient fighting for life who is hooked up to an Electrocardiograph machine. There are long stretches of a flatline where the doctor must despair that the patient is dying, but occasionally it will spike up, and excitement must ensue that there is life left in the patient yet. In other words, there are some commendable things about Champions, but the movie is too damn long at 98 minutes. This stretches out the better aspects and unnecessarily makes them fewer and farther between. If it were streamlined and the lead weight taken out, this movie could almost be a minor classic. If it were 80 minutes long, we’d really have a winner here.

Okay, so it was the 90’s, Ken Shamrock is involved, and it’s what you might call the “early days” of UFC. Most of the fight scenes are like live-action versions of the classic video game Pit Fighter, but with sillier pants (or lack thereof - see cover above). Most of the fighters and fans shout “Yeeeaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!” a lot. This must be why these underground Punchfights to the death are so heavily traded on “black market VHS”, and/or why George “Buck” Flower is involved (perhaps they gave him an Irish accent here to distinguish him from Randall “Tex” Cobb).

As far as our hero is concerned, it appears that Louis Mandylor is physically shrinking more and more as the movie goes on. If you compare his height to the other people in the movie, it appears he devolves to Tom Cruise-level proportions as proceedings roll on. He also narrates it, presumably for people who find the story too hard to follow. To add more unnecessary plot, it appears he has a history with “The King”, there’s a love interest between him and fellow fighter Kimberly Pepatone (Blackford, a Paget Brewster lookalike who you might remember from “Force”-ful productions like Total Force and The Silent Force), and a fighter who looks as if David Letterman was younger, and a meathead – who also has a love interest. This guy, who we’ll call David LetterMeat, is played by Lee Reherman – a very similar last name to Letterman. Coincidence?

Danny Trejo is engaging as the promoter Max Brito, although it sounds like other people are either calling him “Lance Ito” (it was the 90’s, after all. Maybe Judge Ito promotes underground fighting on the side. What a thought), or “Max Burrito”, which might be horrendously racist. A good chunk of Trejo’s dialogue consists of him giving an extended maniacal laugh. Speaking of which, the “corrupt politician on the take”, subplot – yet another subplot – was one of the better ones and should have replaced some of the lesser ones. 

Another bit of the storyline, that Pepatone is a fighter who takes out her repressed anger that stems from a prior assault on her opponents, could be a movie in itself. It was another strand that was undeveloped, which in this case might be good because we didn’t want Champions to be over three hours long.

At least the fighters are skilled and enthusiastic, and have their own individual personalities. It’s not a mush of meandering meatheads like in later movies of this sort. It all comes to an entertaining and enjoyable climax, which should have come much earlier, because at that point the viewer’s attention has flagged. The sight of Ken Shamrock dressed in not much more than a red wrestling Speedo while screaming and shooting a machine gun amidst a hail of gunfire, explosions, and guard tower falls is nothing short of awesome, but you have to swim the Sargasso sea to get there.

One of the aspects of Champions that adds a level of interest is the fact that rapper Kool Keith is in a couple of scenes for no conceivable reason. He even has an encounter with a confrontational meathead that has “Jesus Saves” tattooed on his chest. So, all is not lost. In other music news, the end credits has a list of bands involved, but no song titles or other information. The list is as follows: Civil Rite, Mother, Try, Faded, Corporate Dick, and Black Ass ID. Maybe they supposed the band names speak for themselves.

In the end, Champions does indeed have some bright spots and noteworthy aspects, but they’re spread awfully thin over an overly-extended running time. The verdict has to be that we would recommend the movie to Punchfighting fans with a lot of patience.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett