Commando (1985)

Commando (1985)- * * * *

Directed by: Mark L. Lester

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vernon G. Wells, Rae Dawn Chong, Alyssa Milano, Bill Duke, David Patrick Kelly, and Dan Hedaya

When the awesomely-named John Matrix (Arnie) retires from a life of globe-trotting Special Ops commando work, all he wants to do is spend time with his beloved daughter Jenny (Milano). Instead of feeding the local deer and eating unknown sandwiches, Matrix’s past comes back to haunt him: the diabolical Arius (Hedaya) uses a team of mercenaries, including Matrix’s former associate, now evil, Bennett (Wells), as well as Sully (Kelly) and Cooke (Duke), among others, to force Matrix to depose a South American dictator so Arius can step in and make himself El Presidente. They’ve kidnapped Jenny and are forcing Matrix to do the job. Rather than submit to their demands, Matrix uses his considerable skills to turn the tables on the baddies and rescue his daughter. Along the way, he teams up with an unlikely partner, an innocent bystander to all the chaos named Cindy (Chong). John Matrix will prove himself to be the ultimate COMMANDO as he executes his ultimate mission: rescue Jenny! Will he do it? Well, you probably already know…

Perhaps the pinnacle of the 80’s action boom, the great and mighty Commando is everything an action movie should be…and more! It’s a completely entertaining, winning, engrossing, fun spectacle that features non-stop over the top action and hilarious one-liners from Schwarzenegger. Heck, this movie practically invented the “action movie one-liner” that we all take for granted today. However, it must be said the Arnie used two of them in The Terminator (1984) as well, but hey, there’s plenty to go around. Director Lester even reportedly counts this as his favorite of his own movies, which isn’t at all surprising. If I directed it, it would be my favorite too. (One supposes Hitman’s Run wouldn’t give Commando much of a run for the top position, but Lester also directed the excellent Showdown In Little Tokyo, so that must be a strong #2 in his eyes).

Commando is a vivid evocation of the 80’s rise of Arnie and the action movie in general. It was a great time in movies when if the filmmakers had to make a plot choice between either something logical, or something manly/muscular/action-oriented happening on screen, logic was chucked to the side because it’s far less important. Mr. Schwarzenegger remains charming as ever here, whether he’s reading Creem magazine and opining about Boy George, or shooting/blowing up/knifing/chopping/slicing/impaling people or getting into car chases or other death-defying stunts. James Horner’s score should also be singled out for mention, as it alternates between synth stabs during the action scenes, and the time-honored 80’s sax elsewhere. It’s really the perfect score and fits the movie well.

Kudos also go to the writers and director Lester for ensuring that this did not turn into an El Presidente Slog, as we call them, which it easily could have. Yet more props go to the excellent (and extensive) stunt performers on the film. As mentioned earlier, Schwarzenegger doesn’t have to carry the whole movie on his back like so many logs or phone booths. A top-notch cast is assembled around him to ensure quality all around. Someone should ask Alyssa Milano today what she thinks about Commando. There’s even a Rambo-style “Trautman” character that doesn’t get much screen time, perhaps because he’s not as important as all the Arnie action.

It should go without saying, but the cinematography is crystal-clear as well and you can see everything perfectly (unlike the movies of today). So when you see Arnie blowing up Jeeps with a rocket launcher, you really see Arnie blowing up Jeeps with a rocket launcher. It’s all a ton of fun, with a rich vein of humor throughout. The whole outing, seen from today’s perspective, harkens back to a time when you really got your money’s worth from your movie theater ticket. As a slam-bang, total-entertainment spectacle, you walk away feeling satisfied. Perhaps even uplifted, as Power Station’s “We Fight For Love” pumps on the soundtrack as the credits roll.

The thing is, if you DON’T like Commando, that might be a sign that you need psychological help. Symptoms of NLC (Not Liking Commando) should be listed in the DSM-V Manual of Mental Disorders. If you ever find yourself not liking this movie at any time, for any reason, please consult a medical professional. Commando rules!

NOTE: When buying the movie, seek out the 2007 American DVD. It’s the director’s cut and contains more violence. 

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Tuxedo Warrior (1982)

Tuxedo Warrior (1982)- *

Directed by: Andrew Sinclair

Starring: John Wyman, Holly Palance, and James Coburn Jr.


“Tuxedo Warrior, when will you ever learn?” - Sally 

"He doesn’t go looking for trouble…he is trouble!"

Cliff (Wyman) is a surly strongman who only appears to like three things in life: to sit in his bar in Zimbabwe and drink whiskey, to manhandle the local female population, and to play aggressive, solo shuffleboard with flaming shot glasses of an unknown alcohol. He also has a pet monkey named Crapshot. (Though it may be Crackshot. Wouldn’t Crackshot make more sense?) Cliff’s life gets slightly more complicated when…well, normally we don’t do this, but perhaps it’s best if we let the amusingly overwrought, overheated, and, frankly, deceptive description on the back of the New World VHS box do the talking. Quote:


“The action races as fast and furiously as charging rhinos in Tuxedo Warrior, an adventure of passion, greed, and desperate struggle set in the hot cauldron of turmoil that is Africa today. Cliff (John Wyman) is an adventurer. Strong, heroic, but worn and scarred. His bar, The Omega, is a hangout for lost souls and dubious characters located near Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe. A gang of diamond thieves is on the loose, headed his way. An old flame and her husband have robbed a bank and are on the run. The authorities are searching for the diamonds and stolen money. Cliff is caught in the center, dangerously enmeshed in divided loyalties. Running the thin line between heroic friendship and illicit activity. Part lover, part fighter. He’ll blow you a kiss or blow you away. It’s non-stop action in overdrive through untamed territory where the most dangerous animals are human.”

To correct the record, it’s non-stop boredom in overdrive. And I certainly don’t want Cliff to blow me a kiss or blow me away. While sporting a small handful of silly barfights, chases and gun-shooting, Tuxedo Warrior is far closer to a dialogue-heavy, romantic soap opera like Days of Our Lives or As the World Turns than anything resembling an action movie. 

The best you can say is that it was trying to be an “adventure” movie (as opposed to action), but it’s just dull. Another sign of the desperate, the casting of celebrity relatives – in this case Holly Palance and James Coburn, Jr. – doesn’t really help the proceedings. Especially when Palance spends time talking to a dartboard. Plus, it’s hard for Cliff to seem menacing when he’s wearing a shorty robe.


In what is perhaps the ultimate missed opportunity, nobody in the movie refers to the Tuxedo Warrior, Cliff, as “Tux” for short. But perhaps it’s all for the best, as we all know Jackie Chan is the true Tuxedo warrior. Much like other movies featured on this site such as The Opium Connection (1966), Slaughter Day (1973), Battle Force (1978), or The Second Victory (1987), to name a few, Tuxedo Warrior falls into the category of staid, safe drama and not action. We’re here to pass on the info – don’t get suckered in by the title and the promise of action that compares itself to charging rhinos like we did (and have done so many times before). When your movie – and its audience - cries out for an appearance by Simon MacCorkindale, and said MacCorkindale does not appear, despair quickly sets in.


Final notes: Tuxedo Warrior is a Manson International production, and features some music by Rusty Egan of the band Visage. It’s all in the background and doesn’t improve things like you think it might. Chalk up another disappointment. There also may be some similar shooting locations to Damned River (1989). Also there’s an actress, in her only credited movie role to date, whose name is Carmel Pocket. She has a great name. But not great enough to save the movie, unfortunately. We only hope she did some candy commercials in her on-screen career.

In 1986, when the New World VHS was released, there were many videos on store shelves. Tuxedo Warrior was one of them. 

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty