Quest For The Lost City (1990)

Quest For The Lost City (1990)-* * *

AKA: The Final Sacrifice

Directed by: Tjardus Greidanus

Starring: Christian Malcolm, Shane Marceau, and Bruce J. Mitchell

Troy McGreggor (Malcolm) is an inquisitive teen who just happens to find a map to a mystical lost city called Ziox while rummaging through some junk in his attic. Unfortunately, an evil cult run by the sinister Satoris (Marceau) want the map to aid them in their quest for world domination. As Troy flees from the cult, he runs into a beer-swilling, chain-smoking, denim-jacketed, mulleted, surly drifter inexplicably named Zap Rowsdower (Mitchell). While Zap is an overweight, embittered alcoholic, Troy is a rail-thin, squeaky-voiced dork. As the original odd couple, they must fend off the cult as they continue their Quest For the Lost City. But what’s the secret behind the “Bowtie” tattoo? Find out tonight!

Originally titled The Final Sacrifice (that’s the title under which it was mocked/popularized by Mystery Science Theater 3000), AIP picked it up and retitled it for its VHS release in the U.S. As part of that, they had to get some models to do some posed shots that have nothing to do with the movie, as often happens with VHS covers of the 80’s/early 90‘s. Those people you see on the cover are certainly not Zap and Troy.

To have the character of Troy be the hero is an interesting choice - he’s unbelievably skinny, wears a nerdy red sweater with a white-collar shirt underneath the entire movie, and his voice sounds like someone puree-ing a dying bird on High. But then to match him with Zap is just...an amazing decision. This guy is Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force ten years before Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. He’s such a raving alcoholic, there’s actually a scene where Troy fights the cult by using a box of empty bottles of Zap’s booze he just happens to have in the back of his pickup truck. Some have guns, some have swords, but Zap was on his way to the bottle return to get his five-cent exchanges. Should be enough to put the kibosh on a sinister cult bent on taking over the planet.

You know Satoris is evil because he has a black trenchcoat. This movie once again is ahead of the curve as it predates the trenchcoat mafia. That being said, there is an entirely separate credit for “Satoris’ Makeup” during the end credits. His minions are guys in black tank tops and executioner hoods. This may remind you of  Bad Taste (1987), where the baddies have blue shirts. But it’s a clever move because the masks allow some repetition of goons without the viewer knowing. But the question remains why director/co-writer Tjardus Greidanus thought audiences would rally behind a big-eared dweeb and a bloated hobo as the movie’s central heroes.

It’s Canadian, it’s low-budget, and it’s somewhat mysterious (that it was edited by “The Flying Dutchman“ adds to the mystique). You could tell they were trying, and they got this movie out there. That’s commendable. It’s more than the people who mean-spiritedly ridicule this movie will ever do (except maybe MST3K).

While it’s not entirely representative of the AIP canon, and we wouldn’t necessarily say to go out of your way to pick this up, if you see it somewhere, like a thrift store or something like that, grab it. It’s a lot of fun with a group of pals.

Also check out our buddy, The Video Vacuum's review!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Maniac Warriors (1988)

Maniac Warriors (1988)-* *1\2

AKA: Empire Of Ash

Directed by: Michael Mazo and Lloyd A. Simandl

Starring: Melanie Kilgour, Thom Schioler, Frank Wilson, James Stevens, Alexander MacKenzie, Michele Chiponski and David Gregg

In a post-apocalyptic future, cities have been destroyed so the survivors roam the remaining forests. An aggressive, traveling gang of “maniac warriors”, named LARD, which stands for, what else, Leukocytes Acquisitors for Remission of Disease, go around terrorizing and killing people. Who they don’t kill, they kidnap and steal their blood so they can continue to survive. Naturally they are led by an insane, shroud-wearing preacher, and when they kidnap the wrong girl, her sister and a defector from LARD who is now a good guy team up to try and rescue her. Who will prevail - the survivors pure of blood or the MANIAC WARRIORS?

While this movie is set in the fictional town of New Idaho, it was in fact shot in Canada. It’s your standard Road Warrior/Mad Max knockoff, but presumably they thought by shooting the film in the forest, viewers wouldn’t make the connection. Naturally, AIP picked it up and released it in the U.S. Confusingly, this very film is also known as Empire of Ash 2 (the original title is Empire of Ash). This must mark the first time in movie history that a movie and its sequel are THE SAME MOVIE. Well that saves time. There is one sequel, titled Last of the Warriors (1990). (That movie is known as Empire of Ash 3, for those that are still keeping track).

There is some interesting camerawork and notable stunts, especially considering its restrictive low-budget status, but the fact remains that this is a middle-of-the-road outing at best, and it doesn’t even have the power of a Ron Marchini to keep it afloat. Just think about that. Try to imagine a Ron Marchini movie without Ron Marchini. What’s left?

But you have to love some of the outfits and vehicles - you know it’s a post-nuclear future because the main villainess has crimped hair. And, sensing that there isn’t enough plot to sustain 90 minutes, the film veers into the story of two survivalists (potentially named Cochran and McKenzie, but we’re not sure). They play Gunsmoke and Ikari Warriors on a post-apocalyptic Nintendo so we guess you have to care about their plight. Additionally, there’s some reasonably rockin’ music, including a cover of “Born to be Wild”, and an original tune by one John Wednesday entitled “Gonna Get Some”, but let’s face it, he’s no Billy Butt.

Last but not least, we would be remiss if we didn’t mention that this movie has a rocket launcher hat. Apropos of absolutely nothing, a character comes on screen with this contraption on his head, blows up a barn with a projectile launched from his fisherman’s hat, and walks away. Why it’s easier, much less cooler, to shoot a missile from your headgear remains unexplained. Besides the obvious question of WHY??????, we commend the use of the rocket launcher hat. It was a welcome invention in this dire world. Sure, one year earlier Heather Thomas sported some wicked-awesome helmet lasers in Cyclone (1987), but this bit of utter wackiness remains a movie highlight here.

For that rock-bottom budget, AIP style, this movie delivers it in spades. It features some other weird scenes (we won’t spoil them) - but the movie as a whole isn’t weird enough to quite warrant full cult status. If you find this style too much to take, stay away.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty