Marines (2003)

Marines (2003)-*1\2

Directed by: Mark Roper

Starring: Brant Cotton, Frank Sallo, Lawrence Monoson, Andrew Bowen, and Lou Hirsch


"Courage has no limits."











After 9/11, Nu-Image apparently decided to do their part and make some patriotic movies based on each branch of the military under the banner of the American Heroes Series - Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. At least we think that was the idea. Unfortunately, these films, while extremely well-intentioned, are without character development and thus you cannot care about what goes on. The exception that proves the rule is Special Forces, which is actually good. The movies are Submarines (2003), Marines, Air Strike (2002) and Special Forces (2003).

This time around, in Marines, it seems some, well...Marines are caught behind enemy lines in Chechnya. They must team up with some Russian soldiers to defeat the the enemy. But who can they really trust? Also there's a shipment of gold bars in the mix that are complicating matters for everybody. So out in the field, there's plenty of shooting, explosions, light gore, and gobbledygook dialogue but somehow they couldn't find twenty seconds for even some basic character development.

Back at the base, Everett (Cotton - at least we think this is who this is, if we are wrong please tell us) is in some sort of struggle with Mr. Flanders (Hirsch) about protocol or something like that. It's really tough to decipher. What does Mr. Flanders have to hide, if anything?

So once again we have a situation, like Submarines, where the actors look like other people, we don't really know their names or backstories, and so interest wanes fast. Speaking of names, when the end credits rolled we were informed there was a main character named "Hamburger" in the movie we just saw. We're pretty sure this was never said once in the movie. Maybe they were worried that would come off as funny. God forbid there would be even a modicum of humor in this overly-serious and unfun production. But yet they had no problem with a character named "Mr. Flanders", which Brant Cotton (we think) shouts over and over again. At least then you can make Simpsons-related jokes.

It seems Marines took the movies Saving Private Ryan (1998), Savior (1998) and Behind Enemy Lines (2001) and mashed them all up and hoped for a good result. With a few slow motion sequences and some violence perhaps they were going for some sort of grit, but it takes more than just aping other movies for the audience to get behind what you're doing. If anything, this movie could be insulting to actual Marines because there are some technical errors with the uniforms and behaviors, and the Marines are primarily portrayed as lunkheads.

The practical effect of all this is that Marines comes off as a neo-Vietnam movie, sort of a lost sequel to Eye of the Eagle (1986). Just imagine a Cirio Santiago movie - but not as good! With no real force or energy driving the plot forward, sadly Marines truly is another slog through the woods.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Revolt (1986)

Revolt (1986)-* * * *

Directed by: J. Sheybani (Also spelled "Shaybany")

Starring: Rand Martin, Fattaneh, and Guest Star Sepehrnia

COMPLETE CAST LIST: Jerryd Luck, Lee Buck, Tom Weigand, John Marrzeli, Reza Rasouli, Steve Sharmand, Barbara Day, Ron Lapere, Sandy Stutz, Jerry Cataldo, Connie, Ricci De Rausso, Jim Manganaro, S.G. Munichiello







Starting like a classroom scare film about the evils of drugs, we get some hilarious narration from a very serious announcer (There's a drug dealer on that train!). It seems like a documentary, but then we are thrown into the tale of California family Steve Brown, his wife Mina and their son Jeremy. All Steve wants to do is run his Iranian restaurant "1001 Bites" (groan) with his wife and her Iranian family. But there's only one problem: the drug kingpin and anti-Iranian bigot MacIntosh. Since times are tough, Steve's brother George agrees to become a driver/drug runner for the nefarious MacIntosh. But George gets killed in action. There's the evils of drugs again. After some more characters bite the dust, it's "Action Restauranteur!" as the mustachioed Steve snaps into action and takes on MacIntosh, the corrupt and ineffectual sheriffs, all their goons, and, of course, the evils of drugs.

Revolt is a hidden gem if there ever was one. This movie is genius, and laugh-out-loud funny. Starting with some crazy credits (Screenplay by Shield, Still Photography by D. Victory, etc.), through to the industrial film-style first section, through to the unbelievably wooden non-acting, funny dubbing, wacky feigned punches and fights, and let's not forget about the out-of-left-field subplot about the Iranian hostage crisis of the late 70's/early 80's. "There's something about Iran on TV!" young Jeremy yells out, and pretty soon Jeremy is the target of schoolyard bullies who call him an "Iranian pig". This is, of course, just a by-product of drug smuggling as you will see when you watch the movie.

Of course, there's a wacky Chef Boyardee-like chef, and the main hero (Rand Martin?) is firmly in the Tom Selleck/Burt Reynolds mold. The movie is incredibly preachy and stilted, but that just adds to the fun. There's no end credits, just some synthesizer music over a black screen for a few minutes, and even still, the running time is 72 minutes. But it's 72 minutes of Awesome!

It's reasonably safe to assume this movie was made by amateurs, if not absolute beginners, but that rough-and-tumble, mistake-ridden style is fun and almost as addictive to watch as the drugs it so vehemently condemns. Interestingly enough, the film that Revolt seems to be most influenced by is the film noir The Phenix City Story (1955),  but imagine that crossed with Death Drug (1978), and you'll have some starting point to the insanity of Revolt, and there are elementary school plays that have more convincing acting and production values. But no matter, this is perfect for the waning drive-ins of the 80's and pure cinematic fun.

Adding to it all is the mysterious nature of the film. No one knows anything about it. There's no background information anywhere. If you have any information at all about Revolt, J. Sheybani or Rand Martin, or anyone else attached to the production, please write in right now! We have to know more about this film!

If you want to laugh, and you can find it, definitely check out Revolt!

OTHER NOTES/CREDITS: The Production Manager was Sharmahd, the Assistant Cameraman was B/Boatman, The Assistant Producer was Sha Zoria, the Assistant Director was Anusheh, the Technical Advisor was Ruben - Zadourian, and it was produced at Movie Tech Studio in Hollywood. According to the poster, it was released by Sandy Cobe, the head of Intercontinental Releasing Corporation. That's literally ALL we know about Revolt. Again, if you know anything about the film, contact us!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty