The Protector (1998)

 

The Protector (1998)- * * *

Directed by: Boon Collins

Starring: Frank Zagarino, Steven Nijjar, and Matthias Hues

Steven Fuller, not to be confused with Steven (Nijjar), has amnesia. We know this because he seems to be stuck inside some sort of an MRI machine and he's making a lot of funny faces and noises. He's having flashbacks. Or maybe they're flash FORWARDS. They could even be flash PRESENTS. But in any case, this dude's got something wrong with his brain. It also seems that a crime boss named Gunther (Hues) is after Fuller. He has a team of female assassins he sends out to try and kill him. The answers to why this could possibly be could lie in his flashbacks/forwards/presents. Thankfully, Fuller has a PROTECTOR. His name is John Cole (Zags). He's a monosyllabic meathead minus the machinations of emotion. Things really get real when the baddies kidnap Fuller's son. Because he has a son, apparently. Punchings and shootings ensue. Then we all get back to what we were planning to do that day.


The Protector is low budget, low rent, and low brow. But it IS funny. We have at least three other movies to date called The Protector on the website. The review you're currently reading is NOT for the one with Lee Majors, Ed Marinaro, and a talking computer named Gertrude. This one beat that one into video stores by a scant year.


Things get off to a bang-up start when first we see a super-serious Zagarino face staring out at us in a dramatic fashion, then we get a Hard Justice-esque action scene where Nijjar jumps across the tops of some cars as everything blows up around him. It may not be as slick and as masterfully done as Hard Justice, but they were clearly trying. Then we get to Fan Favorite Matthias Hues wearing an open-chested leopard print blouse of some sort, and he's never looked more Fabioey.


All the spoken dialogue sounds strange, and features dumb dialogue spoken dumbly. From there on out it's a Victoria Falls of stupid. Mind you, this is not an insult. We highly enjoyed the nonstop action and stupidity of The Protector (1998). You just have to be in the right mood and the right frame of mind. Imagine a cross between Nijjar's The Final Goal (1995) and Zags & Hues's Deadly Reckoning AKA The Company Man (1998), then subtract several thousand dollars in budget and a good amount of brain cells, and you might have some idea of what to expect here.


Nijjar's son in the film has a very odd voice. It sounds like a 47-year-old man putting on what he thinks is a "little kid voice". It's absolutely hilarious. From the front, Nijjar looks a lot like Michael Imperioli. From the side, he's a dead ringer for Eric Bana. Speaking of lookalikes, for the artwork for this film, front-and-center Zags looks disturbingly like Brigitte Nielsen. See above and tell us if you agree. Zags's extreme monotone is not explained. Our theory is that he thought that he might be playing one of those Project Shadowchaser robots and he got confused.


There's a very silly and extended fight in a strip club that is very Cormanesque. This was around the time that he was producing a lot of action and stripping movies, both separately and together. Maybe our two directors were trying to tap into that vein. Guaranteed, there is a lot more grunting here than maybe anywhere else. According to Google's "AI Overview", "Monica Seles and Jimmy Connors were also considered pioneers of grunting in tennis". According to MY overview, Frank Zagarino and all his opponents are considered pioneers of grunting in low-budget action films.


Gunther says "no more excuses", instead of the more standard "no more mistakes". Cole also says a variation on "we got company". This is the extent of screenwriting innovation on display. Of course, there is a "DISC" that everyone is looking for and is the key to everything. Gunther says, and I'm paraphrasing, that it's now 1998 and we live in a new era of information. He's going to hack into Fortune 500 companies. We're not exactly sure why. But in order to stop this, Cole has to punch a lot of people. It's brute force vs. CD-ROM force. Who will win?


For a brain-numbing dose of "Amnijjar", punch yourself several times in the face and watch The Protector (1998) today!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!

The Eliminator (2004)

 

The Eliminator (2004)- * *

Directed by Ken Barbet

Starring: Bas Rutten, Michael Rooker, Danielle Burgio, and Paul Logan

One moment, Dakota Varley (Rutten) is competing in a rather lengthy boat race. The next, he is kidnapped and spirited off to a remote jungle location. It seems some other people have met the same fate, including Jesse (Logan) and Santha (Burgio). Yet another evil mastermind (why are there so many of those?) named Miles Dawson (Rooker) has set up a "survival game" where the contestants are implanted with tracking chips and the winner supposedly wins ten million dollars. Of course, Varley, and to a lesser extent, Jesse and Santha, don't like this very much. Much like Gilligan and his shipmates, they try to get off the island. But Miles Dawson has a command center, a bunch of rich friends, and some goons, so it won't be easy. Who, in the end, will be THE ELIMINATOR?



You'll be rootin' for Rutten in this time-honored "Most Dangerous Game" tale, if you can look past the utter lack of originality and low production values, that is. Okay, if you've seen The Condemned (2007), Surviving The Game (1994), Deadly Game (1991), The Game (1988), Soldiers of Fortune (2012), The Tournament (2009), Death Ring (1992), or Seized (2020) - not to mention Hard Target (1993) or the original Most Dangerous Game (1932), not to mention all the countless other derivations we don't have the time or space to list here - you might have some idea what to expect with The Eliminator. An alternate title for the film is even Varley's Game. The puzzling part is why the filmmakers behind The Eliminator wanted to run through this sort of storyline one more time, without adding a single new element or bit of insanity that would spice things up.



Adding insult to injury is the pale, washed-out cinematography and needless editing tricks that can't possibly distract viewers enough from the pervasive feeling that you've seen all this before. If that's the purpose of your editing style, you've definitely got a problem on your hands. Because we're now in the early 2000's, unnecessary and facepalm-inducing CGI was evidently deemed needed. There are also "Bugs Bunny"-style sound effects, and even whooshing noises as the camera whips around more than Willow Smith's hair.



However, it's perhaps not all bad - Bas Rutten is likable enough. He looks like a cross between Stabler (i.e. Christopher Meloni) and Randy Couture. He's well-suited to the action scenes, which are mostly of the beat-em-up variety. Paul "Ballistica" Logan is here too as a sort of sidekick. The film mostly vacillates between these jungle scenes with the punch-ups and occasional kills, and Rooker with his upper-class-twit buddies as he gives orders in his command center. In that sense, it's not that different from the Bourne series of films, give or take a few million dollars (but who's counting)? There's also one exploding helicopter for those keeping track at home.



As indicated earlier, The Eliminator is not wacky enough to stand out. It's all played stultifyingly straight. Try as he might, the charm of Bas Rutten isn't enough to overcome that, or the whole low-rent feeling of it all. Of course it's all very stupid, but it's also The Eliminator. I think it's also important to remember that Survivor was still a pretty hot TV show at the time. Maybe someone thought, "Hey, let's make a low-budget actioner that takes the idea of being a survivor literally, and add Bas Rutten and Michael Rooker". Voila, there you have it.


Featuring the end-credits song "Will To Survive" by Ian Springen (at least that's what we think the credit said; they're as washed out and hard to see as everything else) The Eliminator is not what you'd call essential viewing. It may only appeal to die-hard Bas Rutten fans, or fans of the "Most Dangerous Game" cliche.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty