Whatever It Takes (1998)

 

Whatever It Takes (1998)- * * *

Directed by: Brady McKenzie 

Starring: Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Michael Bailey Smith, and Fred "The Hammer" Williamson 

Neil DeMarco (Wilson) and Dave Menardi (Clay) are dedicated undercover officers on the L.A. beat. After their last mission goes wrong, Neil takes it hard and hits the bottle. But, thanks to Menardi's encouragement, and the urgency of the matter, DeMarco pulls himself together for their latest assignment. It finds them tackling one of the world's greatest evils: steroid use. 

Working with some DEA agents, our heroes must infiltrate the world of meatheads. The latest 'roids on the street are said to bulk you up three times faster than any product ever before. But it's not all gyms, fitness instructors, and muscleman contests for DeMarco and Menardi - the big boss of them all is evil gangster Paulie Salano (Williamson), and his hulking sidekick Kevin (Smith) is always ready to do his bidding. Will our heroes finally stop the flow of Human Growth Hormone once and for all?


Much like the color wheel, there are many gradations of stupid. We've tackled this subject many times before, but it always seems to keep cropping up again and again. Thankfully for any and all viewers of Whatever it Takes, it's a very fun, funny, ridiculous shade of stupid that will entertain you thoroughly.

With the opening credits over close-ups of muscles as people work out, then leading into a classic 'drug shipment gone wrong' scenario - in a warehouse, no less - you know Whatever it Takes is going to deliver the goods, in that mindlessly 90's sort of way that we all love and enjoy.

Andrew "Dice" Clay doesn't exactly look the part of a cop, which is all part of the fun. Also Andrew "Dice" Clay gets to shoot guns and kill people. If that's not worth the price of admission, what would be? Oddly, Nils Allen Stewart, here in a cameo, plays a guy named "Andrew Clay". Coincidence? Clay makes his wisecracking cop role seem completely effortless, and he even includes a bizarre rant about farmers, of all people, at the tail end of the movie, as if it were an outtake from one of his comedy specials. Of course, he's no stranger to contests, as he was in No Contest (1995), of course.


Matching The Diceman's charisma is Fred Williamson, here in a rare badguy role. He has a great speech in the garden at his home towards the end of the movie. His sidekick Kevin looks like a 'roided up Shep Smith.

As far as The Dragon is concerned, he's involved in a very silly barfight, and has two dialogue scenes that include people flexing in the background. As if what they were saying wasn't interesting enough, and every possible frame of film had to be filled with meatheads at all times. We get to see a fight between The Dragon and The Hammer, and clearly director Brady MacKenzie (in his one and only credit) must have realized this was something fans have wanted to see, so he doesn't skimp. The fight is long and dragged-out, in a good way.

Whatever it Takes was ahead of its time. Not only did this pre-date the "juicing" scandals of Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, it also beat The Substitute 3: Winner Takes All (1999), which had a steroid sub-plot, to the punch. Not to mention the James Franco comedy Whatever It Takes (2000). The existence of that film made it even trickier to procure this one from online retailers. Adding to that frustration, the tape was put out on the Pioneer label, which didn't get a lot of distribution here.

With our three favorite nicknames all together in one movie - The Dragon, The Diceman, and The Hammer, how could we refuse Whatever it Takes?

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Point Doom (2000)

Point Doom (2000)- * *

AKA: Gang's Traffic

Directed by: Art Camacho

Starring: Richard Grieco, Jennifer O'Dell, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Angie Everhart, Zach Galligan, John Enos III, Ice-T, and Sebastian Bach

Rick Hansen (Grieco) is a Hollywood talent agent lookin’ for love in all the wrong places - namely, the Play Pen, his local strip club. When he goes there to visit his buddy Frankie (The Diceman), the club’s owner, Rick is served by a waitress named Stephanie (O’Dell). Instantly enraptured by her, he essentially stalks her until she agrees to do a screen test for him. Unfortunately for the lovesick Rick, Stephanie is in an abusive relationship with a murderous biker named Blackie (Enos III), who has a mean jealous streak. He and his violent gang, the Satan’s Slaves - which includes Spider (Galligan) - have stolen some money and drugs, and their rivals, who include Ringman (Ice-T) and Slim (Sebastian Bach) want them bach. Sorry, back. As if all that wasn’t enough, Stephanie also lives with, and cares for, her epileptic sister Jessica (Everhart). Does Rick Hansen know the maelstrom of trouble he’s just walked into? Will things finally all come to a head at...POINT DOOM?

According to Wikipedia, “Point Dume is a promontory on the coast of Malibu, California that juts out into the Pacific Ocean. The point, a long bluff, forms the northern end of Santa Monica bay.” The mysterious elves that write Wikipedia entries might be more right than they realize, as Point Doom is indeed a long bluff, at an overlong 99 minutes - and we’re not sure what the point actually was. Once again, we’ve been snookered by what we call the Lone Tiger Effect - when you want to see a movie because of its great cast, but the movie itself is not so hot. It was directed by our old buddy Art Camacho (we don’t actually know him, but we feel as if we do because we’ve seen his name in the credits so many times), and, yes, it is a low-budget DTV movie from 2000. Our expectations should have been lower because of the latter fact. But let’s break this down: 

                - Zach Galligan - as a member of the Galligang, he plays a heavy and seems to be running from his past as a Gremlin wrangler.

                - John Enos III plays almost the same role as he did in Missionary Man (2007), as the memorably-named Jarfe.

                - Angie Everhart, like Galligan, stretches in an unglamorous role as a woman with medical problems who mainly wears sweatpants.

                - Sebastian Bach  was a welcome and unusual presence and deserved more screen time. He must have been a “slave to the grind” of this particular production. Hmm.

                - Ice-T had some funny and ridiculous dialogue, which of course was delivered in that inimitable Ice-Tean way.

                - Richard Grieco is “Grieco Suave” as he plays the romantic lead - though in the “talent agent vs. biker” fight...well, we’ll let you guess who wins.

                - Jennifer O’Dell - we don’t have much to say, other than that she wears some pretty outstanding outfits.

                - Andrew “Dice” Clay steals the movie with his charisma, and is, funnily enough, the voice of reason amongst all the crazy goings-on. His thick Brooklyn accent is unmistakable.

The movie suffers from bad pacing - it starts off with a bang, but it didn’t know to quit while it was ahead, and some editing problems hamper things as well. Though on the bright side, there is a PM-style car flip/blow-up, and Enos rides his motorcycle in slo-mo away from the flames. Of course, there’s the time-honored barfight, but this one features a White Zombie song during the brain cell-depleting stupidity. Besides some of our favorite B-Movie names in unorthodox roles, Point Doom is also noteworthy in that it features some original songs by the original artists - Motley Crue, Motorhead, and the very catchy 80’s classic “White Horse” by Laid Back. But despite the cast and soundtrack, Point Doom is junky, too long, and needed a lot more pep in certain places. 

Much like Cape Fear, you'd have to be pretty brave to venture a trip to Point Doom. But if you've wanted to see Sebastian Bach shoot and punch people, this is the movie for you. 

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett