Cartels (2016)

 

Cartels (2016)- * *

Directed by: Keoni Waxman

Starring: Steven Seagal, Georges St. Pierre, Florin Piersic Jr., and Luke Goss

Joseph "El Tiburon" Salazar (Piersic Jr.) is a drug kingpin that was captured by a team of U.S. operatives, including Maj. Tom Jensen (Goss). Because Salazar agrees to give information about his massive drug operation, the soldiers are holding him overnight at a hotel in Romania before they can fly him back to America. However, as you might expect, a large army of Salazar's goons swarm the hotel, putting our few agents under extreme fire. Outnumbered and outgunned, they have to fight for their own lives, as well as to save Salazar's.


His second in command is Bruno Sinclaire (St. Pierre), and when the mission goes sideways, as John Harrison (Seagal) likes to put it, those latter two men end up in a fight to the finish. Of course, Harrison has to interrogate Jensen in order to get to the truth of what really happened in this operation. Will our heroes stop the CARTELS?


In 2017, when Cartels came out, our TV and movie screens had been bombarded with things like Breaking Bad, Narcos, and Sicario (2015). America was on a binge when it came to all things drug lord, kingpin, or peddler. So, naturally, the next move was to make a DTV movie with Seagal that involved some of the same subject matter. But, really, Cartels is more of a "siege on the hotel" movie that seems to have been influenced by Smokin' Aces (2006). Of course, Cartels doesn't have the wit or the manic energy of Smokin' Aces.

There is a lot of gun-shooting, and some simultaneous beat-ups AND gun-shooting, which probably took a lot of work to pull off. We appreciate that very much, but there's no emotion or character development in Cartels. So, yes, there's a lot of violence and such, but the audience has to CARE. That's the key. Unfortunately, that key is not here.


As for Seagal, he takes more of a backseat role to Luke Goss here. Goss gets in on most of the action, and Seagal is the interrogator. When you watch a Seagal movie, you're never sure which voice you're going to get. Having just watched The Keeper, we're pretty sure it's not the same vocal stylings. At the outset, Seagal is "in the field", then he gets a lot of sitting down time as he questions Goss, then at the end we have the big fight between St. Pierre and Seagal. The idea that the rather large Seagal could defeat the in-shape St. Pierre in a hand-to-hand match isn't terribly realistic, but we're not all watching Cartels for the realism, are we?


Goss and St. Pierre look somewhat alike, and we got to thinking that DTV filmmakers could do a movie with Luke Goss, Georges St. Pierre, Bruce Willis, Michael Chiklis, Jason Statham, Randy Couture, and Vinnie Jones. Maybe they could call it "The Bald Expendables". It would be like a game for viewers to try to tell them all apart. It might be fun.


In the end, Cartels is basically just a "movie on a screen", as we always say. The shootouts and UFC moments may please some fans, but it needed more of a core that audiences could care more about. As it stands, it's not bad - Seagal has done MUCH worse - but it's not fantastic either.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum! 

Death Warrior (2009)

Death Warrior (2009)-* *

Directed by: Bill Corcoran

Starring: Hector Echavarria, Tanya Clarke, Keith Jardine, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, Georges St. Pierre, Rashad Evans, and Nick Mancuso












Reinero, aka Ray (Echavarria) is a professional Punchfighter on the big-time Punchfighting circuit. His biggest rival is Wolf Jackson (Jackson). Fight promoters have been touting their upcoming battle, but Ray's wife Kira (Clarke) begs him not to do it. Ray, blithely unaware of any past cliches, says the classic line "just one more fight". Before the match can take place, gangster and self-described "businessman" Ivan Mikhailov (Mancuso) kidnaps Ray and injects Kira with a poison that will kill her in five days. Ivan forces Ray to Punchfight for his life against other meatheads while people bet on this activity over the internet on the website gladiatorchallenge.com. Will everybody love Ray? And can he extricate himself from this dire situation?

Echavarria is hilariously wooden, and he wears the same jacket with a yellow stripe for just about the whole movie. He does a lot of flying kicks. He's somewhat likable, but let's just say his fighting nickname of the "Rain Man" is disturbingly accurate. The rest of the cast is rounded out by monosyllabic meatheads with zero acting ability. Except, of course, for Nick Mancuso, who puts in an awesome performance. His over the top, bug-eyed yelling must be seen. He screams and spits all his lines. His energy is welcome, and his performance, which he easily could have phoned in but for some reason chose not to, saves the movie.

As always, this modern-day Punchfighter is TRYING, but there's too much nu-metal and ADD editing. Unlike Beatdown (2010), you can almost see the fights here for five seconds at a time. How far the fighting genre has fallen. Funny fighter names include Rexx, El Croco, The Shaman, and Kang Lai, who is a "Ninja Master" and, of course, "The Best". The following is a list of quotes from the movie:

"Death matches have been going on since the Coliseum. You were born for it."
"He has yet to taste defeat."
"No man has lived until you stare death in the face."
"When you're in a fight, you always get hit."
"I'm going to SLAY YOU!"
"I will rip your heart apart" ...and the all-time, laugh-out-loud classic:

"Someone's trying to infiltrate the MMA!"

THE MMA? Anyway, on top of all that, the film tries to capitalize on the Saw-like "torture porn" trend. For example, the fighters have to fight while in chains. Call it: "Chain-Fighting". But, inadvertently (?) quoting Wayne Newton from Best of The Best 2 (1990), Ivan yells, "The only rule is...THERE ARE NO RULES!!!!"

Despite its shot-on-video look, Death Warrior provides a few laughs and Nick Mancuso at his best.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty

Never Surrender (2009)

Never Surrender (2009)- * *1\2

Directed by: Hector Echavarria

Starring: Hector Echavarria, Patrick Kilpatrick, Silvia Koys, BJ Penn, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, Georges St. Pierre, Heath Herring, and James Russo




"I found something worth fighting for."








Diego Carter (Echavarria) is a world-famous MMA fighter who is enticed by a mannish woman named Sandra (Koys) to join an underground Punchfighting circuit. It is run by the ruthless Seifer (Kilpatrick) - ruthless in the sense that what he's really running is a prostitution ring. He calls them "consorts", and if you win a match, you get a consort, or your opponent's consort, or something like that. It's all just a tawdry excuse to have Skinemax-style softcore porn scenes with plenty of unwanted, un-asked for Hector Echavarria nudity. Ew. All this nonsense leads up to "The Tournament", presumably the ultimate battle for the ultimate consort. Also, Carter falls in love with Sandra. What's REALLY going on?

This movie is like a 90-minute training video for Hector Echavarria. Somehow he was allowed to direct this thing, and it has all the inept editing and strange cuts you might expect. You never see blows connect because there's an unnecessary cut right before the blow lands.Undue emphasis is put on the fact that he uses the late night-advertised product the Perfect Pushup in his training rituals. Echavarria invited all his fighter buddies to be in the movie, whether they belong there or not, and they even go by some of their real names.

In the beginning of the film, two burly men in shorts are grappling, grunting and sweating while a song with the lyrics "45 minutes of Loooove" plays. Then they grab each other's legs for the takedown. Wags who would decry these movies as homoerotic...may have a point here.

Also it should be noted that Diego's "...punches carry the dream of a small child who grew up off the coast of La Plata."

Naturally, The Tournament has "no rules and no referees", and Seifer notes, "is tax free". Is this a comment on today's political landscape? I know I go to modern-day Punchfighters for top-shelf punditry.

Patrick Kilpatrick looks like Howie Mandel now, and screams and yells just like Nick Mancuso in Death Warrior. However, this movie makes Death Warrior look like a masterpiece. James Russo is barely in it, which was a disappointment.On the bright side, Crusher's involved.

Overall, this movie is beyond dumb. Its structure resembles a brainless video game, but with more grunting.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty