Contract To Kill (2016)

Contract To Kill (2016)- * *

Directed by: Keoni Waxman

Starring: Steven Seagal, Jemma Dallender, and Russell Wong

A man named John Harmon (Seagal, in one of his countless roles where he plays a guy named John) is described as a "CIA/DEA Enforcer", whatever that means. This CIADEAE, for short, uncovers a dastardly plot by Islamic terrorists to go through Mexico, using the pre-existing drug shipping corridors, to smuggle in weapons of mass destruction to cause a terrorist attack. Harmon realizes he must now contend with both terrorists and drug lords, so he teams up with Matthew Sharp, an expert at working with drones. That's why he's working with Seagal. Wah-wah! But he also teams up with Zara Hayek (Dallender), who is described as a "seductive FBI agent", and this must be true, because she ends up wooing Harmon. Just like you would with anyone three times your age and five times your weight. So, will Harmon fulfill his CONTRACT TO KILL? Wait, there was a contract in this movie? It's not about hitmen? Well, that's not important...


As we said in our Cartels (2017) review, at this point we were living in a Breaking Bad/Narcos/Sicario world. In fact, there are characters here whose names are "Sicario #1" and "Sicario #2". So, for writer/director Keoni Waxman and Seagal, this is yet another DTV variant of the drug lord movie, and let's not forget shows like Homeland were still very popular. The problem is that Contract to Kill is dull, mediocre, and slow. It's talky, interspersed with some perfunctory Seagal quasi-beat-ups because they think the fans demand it every so often.

The dialogue, such as it is, is just insipid and you never grow to care about the characters, and by extension, what's happening in the film at all. Russell Wong's main job in the movie is to be good at drones. As if this is a specialized skill that an eleven-year-old couldn't handle. So we see him with the drone remote control in his hand, moving the levers up and down. Whoa, hold on to your hat. There are many shots of drones and/or droning in the film. In many different forms and fashions. Both cameras and guns are attached to drones, as we see quite often. Perhaps this wasn't as much of a novelty in 2016 as the filmmakers probably thought it was?


Meanwhile, Seagal continually mentions a group of people called "The D-Boys". Maybe we missed it, but they never actually explained who The D-Boys actually are. Are they good guys? Baddies? A satellite faction of I Come In Peace's The White Boys? What? As far as Seagal, he doesn't quite have what we call a "sit-down" role, but there are many scenes of him sitting. When he has to do his fight scenes, they feel a bit forced and like he doesn't want to or possibly can't do them. 

Steve is looking pretty chunky in this one, and they try to hide it with black, flowing clothing, but it's rather obvious. By itself, the weight alone isn't a major dealbreaker or anything - we know Seagal struggles with his weight - but the movie around his orbit just isn't that inspiring or noteworthy. So, it, well...collapses under its own weight. Sorry to say.


As far as these latter-day DTV Seagal outings go, Contract to Kill isn't bad or good. It's simply plain and forgettable. It's just grist for the DTV mill, and if you watch it, there's a strong chance you won't remember anything about it just a few days later.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum! 

Cartels (2016)

 

Cartels (2016)- * *

Directed by: Keoni Waxman

Starring: Steven Seagal, Georges St. Pierre, Florin Piersic Jr., and Luke Goss

Joseph "El Tiburon" Salazar (Piersic Jr.) is a drug kingpin that was captured by a team of U.S. operatives, including Maj. Tom Jensen (Goss). Because Salazar agrees to give information about his massive drug operation, the soldiers are holding him overnight at a hotel in Romania before they can fly him back to America. However, as you might expect, a large army of Salazar's goons swarm the hotel, putting our few agents under extreme fire. Outnumbered and outgunned, they have to fight for their own lives, as well as to save Salazar's.


His second in command is Bruno Sinclaire (St. Pierre), and when the mission goes sideways, as John Harrison (Seagal) likes to put it, those latter two men end up in a fight to the finish. Of course, Harrison has to interrogate Jensen in order to get to the truth of what really happened in this operation. Will our heroes stop the CARTELS?


In 2017, when Cartels came out, our TV and movie screens had been bombarded with things like Breaking Bad, Narcos, and Sicario (2015). America was on a binge when it came to all things drug lord, kingpin, or peddler. So, naturally, the next move was to make a DTV movie with Seagal that involved some of the same subject matter. But, really, Cartels is more of a "siege on the hotel" movie that seems to have been influenced by Smokin' Aces (2006). Of course, Cartels doesn't have the wit or the manic energy of Smokin' Aces.

There is a lot of gun-shooting, and some simultaneous beat-ups AND gun-shooting, which probably took a lot of work to pull off. We appreciate that very much, but there's no emotion or character development in Cartels. So, yes, there's a lot of violence and such, but the audience has to CARE. That's the key. Unfortunately, that key is not here.


As for Seagal, he takes more of a backseat role to Luke Goss here. Goss gets in on most of the action, and Seagal is the interrogator. When you watch a Seagal movie, you're never sure which voice you're going to get. Having just watched The Keeper, we're pretty sure it's not the same vocal stylings. At the outset, Seagal is "in the field", then he gets a lot of sitting down time as he questions Goss, then at the end we have the big fight between St. Pierre and Seagal. The idea that the rather large Seagal could defeat the in-shape St. Pierre in a hand-to-hand match isn't terribly realistic, but we're not all watching Cartels for the realism, are we?


Goss and St. Pierre look somewhat alike, and we got to thinking that DTV filmmakers could do a movie with Luke Goss, Georges St. Pierre, Bruce Willis, Michael Chiklis, Jason Statham, Randy Couture, and Vinnie Jones. Maybe they could call it "The Bald Expendables". It would be like a game for viewers to try to tell them all apart. It might be fun.


In the end, Cartels is basically just a "movie on a screen", as we always say. The shootouts and UFC moments may please some fans, but it needed more of a core that audiences could care more about. As it stands, it's not bad - Seagal has done MUCH worse - but it's not fantastic either.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum! 

The Keeper (2009)

 

The Keeper (2009)- * * *

Directed by: Keoni Waxman

Starring: Steven Seagal, Steph Duvall, and Liezl Carstens

Roland Sallinger (Seagal) is a tough L.A. cop, but after an unfortunate incident involving a corrupt partner, he travels to Texas to reconnect with his old police buddy Conner Wells (Duvall). Wells then gives him a job as a bodyguard, and protecting Conner's daughter Nikita Wells (Carstens) becomes Sallinger's full-time occupation. Naturally, baddies manage to kidnap Nikita, which makes Sallinger mad as they were just getting to know each other, and he uses all of his skills to retrieve her from their evil clutches. But will that be the end of the song of Roland?




The Keeper is surprisingly watchable by the Seagal standards of this particular era. Of course it's silly, stupid, and face-palmingly dumb, but you knew that going in. Thankfully, what The Keeper is NOT is offensively awful, like Kill Switch (2008). Just watching Seagal, with his Eddie Munster hair and funny voice (if that is his voice at all) is worthy of some level of entertainment. Adding to the fun are multiple instances of his trademarked style of slap-fu, and because he's in Texas, his wearing of a cowboy hat. But it might be just to cover up the Munster hair.




Of course, because this is a Seagal movie, several people tell him how great he is at things. Well, Roland Sallinger, that is. He has a knife-throwing practice mat in his backyard (don't we all?) and he tries valiantly to turn on the charm when he's interacting with Nikita. It's moments like those that rescue The Keeper from sinking into the muck and mire of lesser efforts. Additionally, Seagal must have realized that it's really hard to beat Urban Justice (2007) so he occasionally will lapse into quasi-homie-speak. With hilarious results, of course.



His boss in the film looks exactly like Jeremy Irons. He's a "Dead Ringer", you might say. After some thorough research, we found out it was actually an actor named Steph Duvall, who has something of a DTV action pedigree in his own right. He appeared in the Jeff Wincott classic Open Fire, as well as Scanner Cop (both 1994), and Driven to Kill (1991), not to be confused with Seagal's Driven to Kill (2009). We can't say we remember him looking this much like Jeremy Irons before, but here he does. Of course, Irons should have appeared in more action movies himself. But at least we have The Fourth Angel (2001).



If you go out of your way to watch one of Seagal's low-budget DTV outings from the 2000's, you may have some idea of what you're in for, but it's kind of a mixed bag. You might get a dud like the aforementioned Kill Switch, or you might turn up an unintentional (?) gem like an Urban Justice. The Keeper isn't extreme in any direction, but rather it's a straight down the middle Seagal-fest that goes down rather easy, like a nice, smooth beer.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write up from our buddy, DTVC!