Assassin's Run (2013)

Assassin's Run (2013)- * * *

AKA: White Swan



Directed by: Robert Crombie and Sofya Skya

Starring: Sofya Skya, Christian Slater, Angus Macfayden, and Cole Hauser

AKA: White Swan

Maya Letinskaya  (Skya) seems to have the perfect life: she’s a highly-trained professional ballerina, her husband Michael (Slater) is a high-powered businessman, and they have a young daughter and a beautiful family together. However, things take a 180-degree pirouette when some evil Russian (duh) gangsters eliminate Michael, kidnap the daughter, and send Maya to prison on a trumped-up charge. With baddies hot on her trail, Maya penches on the only training she knows, and taps into the awesome power of BALLET. Using the discipline, athleticism, and flexibility she previously used Swan Lakin’ it up to now do high kicks and spins on her opponents, Maya must now prepare for the ultimate performance - saving her daughter’s life, as well as her own. Will she show us all the true meaning of MOSCOW HEAT? (er, sorry. Wrong movie.) Will the ASSASSINS go on a RUN to find Maya? (Yeah, we know it makes no sense. But neither does the title for this movie).

The Russian Ballet. Direct-to-Video action movies. Why it took until 2013 for anyone to put these two things together is anyone’s guess. Much like the McDLT - which, as you will recall, kept the hot side hot and the cool side cool - Assassins Run features an unorthodox combination of textures and temperatures and manages to make everything come out well and satisfying. For the DTV world, this is a classy and stylish gangster drama that goes full-on action after a certain point(e). 

Sofya Skya - that’s Sofya Andreevna Shchetinina-Arzhakovskaya to you - will certainly be one to watch going forward. Not only is she an accomplished ballerina and star of the movie, she also co-directed it and sang the end credits song, “Before You Slipped Away” (a duet with a guy named John Kahn, for those keeping track). Surely someone as multitalented as this has a bright future, and we look forward to what she does next. Helping her out is a true fan favorite, Christian Slater. He spends a lot of his time on the phone, but, then again, with his inimitable voice, wouldn’t you want to talk to him on the phone? We also have Angus Macfadyen on board to provide further interest, and Cole Hauser, who, in this movie at least, looks alarmingly like noted/forgotten-about boil on society, Spencer Pratt.

Sure, after about 45 minutes there’s a bit of a lull, but that’s a common problem, and it picks up shortly thereafter. On the whole we found Assassins Run to be original and refreshingly different. Yes, there’s the time honored shooting, fights, and it becomes a prison movie at one point, but we just loved the idea of a ballerina who uses her lifetime of training in that art who then turns it into a Martial Art. Maybe it’s something about the Russian psyche that that rings true for them. To ironically paraphrase Yakov Smirnoff, “What a country!” (if reading this silently to yourself, make sure you say that in a jovial yet thick Russian accent). 

Like us, you’ll surely become Sofya Skya fans after watching this. After all, it is all about her in the end. Despite the great Christian Slater, this wouldn’t be much of a movie if it wasn’t for the presence of Skya. So be sure to check her out giving the baddies the true meaning of batterie as she plies all over their beaten-up bodies. We found the experience winning, not to mention culturally enhancing.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett 

El Gringo (2012)

El Gringo (2012)- *1\2 

Directed by: Eduardo Rodriquez

Starring: Scott Adkins, Yvette Yates, Bashar Rahal, and Christian Slater










A mysterious man, known only as “The Man” (Adkins) arrives in the small Mexican town of El Fronteras with a duffel bag filled with cash. He finds the town less than hospitable, and as the local gang tries to steal his loot, through a series of flashbacks, we find out how he got into this predicament. With Lt. West (Slater) of the New Mexico police crossing the border to go hot on his trail, The Man has plenty to contend with, but with the help of local barmaid Anna (Yates) he just may ride off into the sunset with everything he wants. But can this happen in such a violent place?

Sadly, very sadly, we found El Gringo to be a disappointment. You’d think having Scott Adkins and Christian Slater in a movie together would be a surefire winner that could overcome any potential drawbacks elsewhere. It turns out that assumption was incorrect, and you know what happens when you assume. The problem is, it’s weighted down with those annoying modern, overly-slick editing tricks that we’re not in love with, to say the least. Why directors and editors feel they need to do this remains unknown. (It should be noted that the editor’s name is Don Adams, and he does indeed need to get smart). They must think it’s helping, but it’s really, really not. 

With a bunch of quick cuts, seizure-inducing flashes, CGI all over the place, and self-consciously “wacky” music and situations, the movie dooms itself. The whole outing has a vibe that it’s trying super-hard to be cool, but it’s trying too hard. All it had to do was let the magic of Adkins and Slater happen. And get out of the way. But its obsession with being a post-Tarantino irony-laced jaunt puts the kibosh on that.

And it had so much potential for being genuinely cool. The movie sabotages itself by setting up a potentially cool situation, then squelching it, almost out of spite. So it sets itself up for failure, because even if something awesome does indeed happen, the overall tenor ruins it, because you can’t go back and un-see what uncoolness you just saw. 

And at 103 minutes, it wears out its welcome. Besides having to witness the character of “The Man” (which isn’t at all stolen from Sergio Leone) in a variety of situations frustrating to him, the viewers also get frustrated. The whole thing has a distasteful Missionary Man (2007) vibe, and director Rodriguez even made a movie with Dolph, Stash House (2012), which is acknowledged to be one of Dolph’s worst, even worse than Missionary Man.

Of course, Scott Adkins is always boss, and he does execute some outstanding moves on the baddies in the beat-em-up scenes, but, ultimately, it’s very hard to care. Despite some classics like the “walking away from an explosion” and the “sideways jump/dive while shooting”, it’s just not enough this time. Even the fruit cart cliche is here. But a dud in the Adkins canon was bound to happen eventually, as he has had a long string of winners, and no actor, or gambler for that matter, has had an unbroken streak. But perhaps the most unsettling thing about this particular Adkins performance is that his distinctive British accent is gone, in favor of an unnecessary American voice. Just another El Gringo misstep, it seems.

Speaking of missteps, there’s the matter of the title song. One of the best and most noteworthy aspects of the movie was the song by Manowar, but it’s only heard during the end credits. It would have been awesome to hear it during a shootout or training sequence. But no, another wasted opportunity. Despite the titans Adkins and Slater, there’s actually very little to recommend about El Gringo, as much as it pains us to say it.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett 

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, The Video Vacuum!

Soldiers Of Fortune (2012)

Soldiers Of Fortune (2012)- * *1\2

Directed by: Maxim Korostyshevsky

Starring: Christian Slater, Oksana Korostyshevskaya, Colm Meaney, Ving Rhames, Sean Bean, James Cromwell, Charlie Bewley, and Dominic Monaghan













Craig McCenzie (Slater), is a former Special Ops soldier and military-grade badass, despite the fact that his own name seems to be spelled incorrectly. Hired by a mysterious woman named Cecilia (Korostyshevskaya), he's reluctantly pulled into the time-honored "one last op" when he's forced to take a bunch of "weekend warriors" on a mission to take down an evil baddie named Mason (Meaney). 

Just why McCenzie needs to take inexperienced non-soldiers on an extremely dangerous mission wasn't clearly explained. As part of a combat-simulation vacation called, obviously, "Soldiers of Fortune", rich knowitalls bicker and squabble while McCenzie rolls his eyes and tries his best to whip them into combat readiness. Among his new charges are a young video game designer named Sin (Monaghan), a rich playboy named Dimidov (Bean), an African arms dealer named Grimaud, but nicknamed "The Grim Reaper" (Rhames), obnoxious Wall Streeter Vanderbeer (Bewley) and rich older man Haussman (Cromwell). Can this wacky cast of characters work together and get the job done?

Soldiers Of Fortune is a movie out of sync with its time and place. It seems like it would be more comfortable sharing video store shelf space next to Desert Thunder (1999) and Stealth Fighter (1999) in the 90's. The only thing that really ties it to the 2000's are a couple of Bin Laden references (making this movie the original Zero Dark Thirty, 2012). 

Our beloved Christian Slater could have played the same role even then, though his beard-stubbly grizzledness does add much to his leadership abilities. He's not Gleaming the Cube anymore, he's "Action Slater" as you've never seen him before. He does a lot of running, jumping, rolling around, and shooting people, and presumably killing people, with a weapon that looks suspiciously like a paintball gun. He also spouts a lot of silly, country-fried aphorisms that wouldn't be out of place as Toby Keith lyrics. Despite the impressive cast overall, this movie is clearly carried by Slater on his back much like a wounded enemy combatant in a war zone.

Important things you need to know about Soldiers Of Fortune: 1. visually, it looks like it was produced by Nu-Image. 2. We think it was supposed to be a comedy, so imagine if Nu-Image tried to make a movie filled with yuks. The result is a film filled with dumbness and mediocrity, but you already knew that, didn't you? Even the title hints at the lack of originality within. 

You'd think the non-Slater cast would make the water rise and float this particular boat, but no, it's a bunch of stereotyped roles that don't really inspire the viewer with any real emotions. Monaghan plays the young punk whippersnapper obsessed with video games, Rhames does the African accent he did in Dangerous Ground (1997), Bewley plays the obvious, expected cliche of the heartless money broker, and Bean and Cromwell swim against the tide and do their best, but fail to leave a real impression.

But sometimes the cliches work in the movie's favor, such as the classics "Ex-Special Forces", "One Last Op", and walking away from an explosion in slow motion. Not forgetting of course about the final confrontation between Slater and Meaney (I never figured I'd have to type that...) where we see some prime examples of not just Slater-Fu, but Colm Meaney-Fu. Yeah. 

It also features the same song from Beatdown (2010), Tommy Fields’ immortal “Wildfire In the Streets” (which is kind of an odd choice, as there are no real “streets” to speak of here, it’s mainly an island setting, nor is there a wildfire, but maybe there’s a cheap bank of songs DTV producers can pull from. Tommy Fields truly is the Robert Tepper of the DTV era). So just to recap what was said earlier, Soldiers of Fortune is typical video store fodder in the era of no video stores.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, The Video Vacuum! 

Gleaming The Cube (1989)

Gleaming The Cube (1989)-* * *1\2

Directed by: Graeme Clifford

Starring: Christian Slater, Steven Bauer, Art Chudabala, Max Perlich, Ed Lauter, and Tony Hawk




***800th Review***









Brian Kelly (Slater) is a teenager and radically awesome skateboarder who just lives to be rad in that awesomely 80’s kind of way. He has a close relationship with his Vietnamese adopted brother Vinh (Chudabala) and has a close circle of skateboarding-obsessed friends which include Buddy (Hawk) and the wonderfully-named Yabbo (Perlich). Brian’s life is turned upside down (in a bad way, not a skateboardy kind of way) when he witnesses a murder and must piece together how his beloved brother was involved in the shady dealings. Det. Al Lucero (Bauer) is officially working the case, but Brian goes rogue, or, more accurately, goes rad to uncover the truth by himself. But it’s going to take all his gleaming power to solve this cube. Can he do it?

If you love the 80’s as much as we do, you’ll be in hog heaven watching Gleaming The Cube. The clothes and hair alone will send you into a state of awesome overload. Not to mention the music, most notably the title song by James House and “Brother to Brother” by Billy Burnette. The set design is also great, especially the posters in Brian’s room. 

Christian Slater as Brian is the ultimate California 80’s cool kid, sort of a cross between Zack Morris and Bart Simpson. Plus, if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Jack Nicholson was a skateboarding teen, here you go.  Brian listens to skate rock on his walkman and T-shirts/posters are seen for The Cramps, D.R.I., Megadeth, Suicidal Tendencies and many more. One of Brian’s best fashion statements is his acid-washed dark denim jacket with a Metallica patch on the sleeve. We want to be Brian Kelly.

Interestingly, Vinh works at a Vietnamese video store called Balsa Video. It looks like it was a real location. I wonder if anyone who grew up in the L.A. area can confirm this? In other location news, Yabbo (we all need a friend named Yabbo) doesn’t have a room...he has an underground bunker, sort of a converted bomb shelter! How cool is that! Also, skateboarding isn’t just a mode of transportation or lifestyle for Brian. Whenever he’s feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, he skates hard to release his aggressions.

As far as the movie is concerned, you’ll be riding high with all the music, cool hair, clothes, decor, skateboarding and nostalgia, but if truth must be told, it is a little bit repetitive, especially the relationship between Brian and Lucero, and the running time could have been trimmed by a few minutes, but these are minor quibbles. No movie is perfect. 

There’s really a feast of things to enjoy in GTC, it almost feels disingenuous to point out any of its tiny flaws. There are some very cool stunts and even a blow-up or two. You just have to love it.

We definitely recommend this slice of 80’s magnificence to everyone.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

The Confessor (2004)

The Confessor (2004) -* * *

Directed By: Lewin Webb

Starring: Christian Slater, Molly Parker and Stephen Rea










The Confessor AKA "The Good Shepherd" is a well-acted drama.

Father Daniel Clemens (Slater) has uncovered a murder mystery involving other priests and corruption in his church. Can he uncover the truth?



Christian Slater puts in a good performance as usual. Parker also holds her own. The mystery is a little uneven and the ending is weak, but overall the movie is worth seeing. It goes in too many directions. The director made another movie called Gone Dark (2003) which is a hidden gem.

The Confessor is decent little mystery if you don't take it too seriously.







Comeuppance Review by: Ty