Trained To Kill (1989)

Trained To Kill (1989)- * * *

Directed by: H. Kaye Dyal

Starring: Frank Zagarino, Chuck Connors, Ron O'Neal, Harold Diamond, Lisa Aliff, Marshall Teague, Glen Eaton, Arlene Golonka, Henry Silva, and Robert Z'Dar











Ed Cooper (Connors) is a former Vietnam vet who had a son many years ago with a Cambodian woman. Now, Sam (Eaton) has come home to the Cooper family in Los Angeles. He’s welcomed to the U.S.A. by the Coopers’ biological son Matt (Zagarino), family friend Cotton (O’Neal) and Matt’s girlfriend Jessie (Aliff of Damned River fame). However, spoiling all this newfound family bliss is a gang of baddies, the head of which is the slick Ace Duran (Silva). 

Dispatching his best heavies, Felix (Teague), Loc Syn (Diamond), and Majyk (Z’Dar) to the Cooper household after breaking out of prison, they aim to get revenge on Ed for putting them behind bars. They were running heroin back from Vietnam, and Cooper simply reported them. After attacking Ed and Martha (Golonka) Cooper, Sam, Matt, Cotton and Jessie decide to forgo the police and get revenge themselves. Will they do it?

Mindless, nonsensical and brain-numbing, Trained To Kill gives new meaning to the word “stupid” - and we mean that in a good way! Fan favorite and personal hero Chuck Connors is back once again with his Brooklyn Dodgers jacket, and thankfully this is Frank Zags’ least annoying major role that we’ve seen to date. There’s a triumphant training sequence, Eaton puts in a lot of much-needed energy, and it features Robert Z’Dar with a flamethrower. His name in the movie, Majyk (pronounced as “Magic”) isn’t the most intimidating name for a bad guy, however. There’s the prerequisite torture, and Harold Diamond is a top-notch meathead.

The fact that the movie starts in Cambodia with some guy with the most obvious piece of cotton glued to his chin as some sort of facial hair, then moves to the U.S. with Chuck Connors as a guy who takes in foster children and decorates his home solely with travel posters should give you a hint of the ridiculous nature of this movie. 

Ron O’Neal gets into a swordfight, there’s at least one exploding helicopter, and Frank Zagarino sets a new standard in ripped shirt technology by the end of the film. This is a movie that, by all rights, SHOULD have been simply shelf-filler, but, by its sheer silliness, rises above its station to become an entertaining movie.

Released on VHS by Malofilm, a company we’re not familiar with, on EP mode, the quality is not the best. But if you ever see Trained To Kill anywhere, pick it up. For the star-power alone, it’s worth having.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, Fist Of B-List!

Damned River (1989)

Damned River (1989)-* *

Directed By: Michael Schroeder

Starring: Steven Shellen, Branford Bancroft, Louis Van Niekirk,  Lisa Aliff, and John Terlesky





“Ain’t no way of winnin’ when you’re playin’ with the devil’s odds.”








A bunch of stupid, unlikable party dudes go to the Zambizi River in Africa for no reason. If they wanted to “par-tee down” there are a lot of better places to do so.

Their tour guide down the Damned River is Ray (Shellen), a Treat Williams doppelganger who is running away from his past by living and toting tourists around on his raft. His accent comes and goes, as he is southern in every other scene in the movie.

This particular group of tourists includes a poetry-spouting nerd and a hippie who ends every sentence with the word “man” in true Tommy Chong style. The most unlikable character of all (and that’s saying something) is  Jerry (Bancroft), a big fat party animal who isn’t fat and who whines about the lack of MTV in rural Africa. Jerry also demands his “Chow-ski” when he is hungry (because he is “fat”) and the audience is rooting for his demise from the get-go.

Normally these characters would be seen in a 80’s romp. Think Up The Creek (1984) meets Deliverance (1972). “Damned River” is in the tradition of other survival-river movies such as the aforementioned Deliverance, Rituals (1977), Hunter's Blood (1986), The River Wild (1994), and Survival Quest (1989). Damned River is the bottom of the barrel of this bunch. If you have seen every other river flick, and are hankering for more river madness, check this out, otherwise, steer clear.

Ray tangles with a great white hunter type named Von Hoenigen (Van Niekirk) and it ends with fan favorite death, decapitation. It livens up the proceedings. Also on hand is Mavuso, a kindly local. Ray gets crazier and crazier as the movie progresses, eventually reaching Dagget-from-Twice Under-like proportions. Shellen overacts in much the same vein.

Bradford Bancroft is actually effective as the annoying Jerry because he achieved his aim of getting the audience to hate him. Bancroft can also be seen in A Time To Die (1991) and Dangerously Close (1986).

The movie is very dumb as it is but it pretentiously tries to not be, “casually” throwing in high-minded references to such authors as Zola and Byron. Sadly, this wasn’t enough to set it apart from the pack.

(Don't) watch this “Damned” classic tonight!


Comeuppance Review by: Ty & Brett