Elves (1989)

Elves (1989)-* * *1\2

Directed by: Jeffrey Mandel

Starring: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin, Stacey Dye, Christopher Graham and Laura Lichstein

Kirsten (Austin), and her friends Brooke (Lichstein) and Amy (Dye) are group of young gals interested in the occult. They call themselves “Masters Without Slaves” and go to the woods at night for seances and things like that. And no wonder, as Kirsten’s family is quite the creepy lot, and her younger brother Willy (Graham) is a perverted little brat that likes to dress up like Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and peep on her in the shower. As is wont to happen, the group of girls accidentally unleash a malevolent Nazi elf into the town at large. As part of a breeding experiment, the Nazis did various experiments using not guns, not bombs, not planes to take down their enemies, but elves.

Meanwhile, unemployed ex-police detective Mike McGavin (Haggerty), who is so down on his luck, he’s evicted from his trailer, reluctantly accepts a job as a department store Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. But those mischievous girls are camping out in the department store that night waiting for some boys to appear. But there’s another unwanted guest - here’s a hint: it’s a three-letter word, and it’s not “imp”! But to destroy this nasty elf, McGavin will have to unravel a complex web of history, deceits and lies from Nazi elf experts. Will he and Kirsten live to see another Christmas?

Ah, Elves. Such fond memories. This is one of the first (if not the first) AIP’s we’d ever seen. Needless to say, we were hooked. The plot of the movie is just so endearingly bonkers, you can’t help but love it. Anyone who would release this gem into the world should really receive our thanks. It’s packed with nutty ideas, hilarious dialogue, enjoyable fun, and a Nazi elf. Yes, just one elf. The title is a bit misleading. But we, as the audience, are treated to “elf vision” as he’s walking around, so we can see the world through the eyes of this lonely, but murderous, elf.

National hero Dan Haggerty is at his absolute best here. He continues his tradition of great sweaters, and, somehow, his beard actually matches his sweater selections. And his pinky ring. But who else could bellow “Tell me the connection between the Nazis and the elves!!!” with a complete straight face and utter conviction like Mr. Haggerty. We salute you, sir. Pretty female lead Julie Austin has quite a career under her belt, having also appeared in Night of the Wilding (1990), Twisted Justice (1990) and Extreme Justice (1993).

Taking some of its cues from Dawn of the Dead (1978), but others from God-knows-where, Elves is a strong contender for best Christmas-themed horror/unintentional (?) comedy ever. This extremely enjoyable and fun outing shot in Colorado in the golden year of 1989 should be in your collection. “Dan” we now our gay apparel and watch Elves tonight, even if it’s not Christmas.

Also check out our buddy, The Video Vacuum's funny review!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Twisted Justice (1990)

Twisted Justice (1990)-* *1\2

Directed by: David Heavener

Starring: David Heavener, Erik Estrada, Don Stroud, Shannon Tweed, Julie Austin, Jim Brown, James Van Patten, and Karen Black












In the year 2020, guns are outlawed, so as the saying goes, only outlaws have guns...one of which is L.A. cop James Tucker (Heavener), a cop on the edge who plays by his own rules - but, by his own admission, “I always follow orders”. Cops instead use a gun-like device called a “stinger”, which shoots tranquilizer darts. When a new drug hits the streets called “Umbra”, which negates the effects of the stinger, criminals run wild. One of which is a psychopathic serial killer/rapist called “The Bullseye Murderer”. Taking heat from all sides, will Tucker be able to neutralize this jerk?

Once again David Heavener is tracking down a serial killer (this seems to be the plot of most of his movies), but this time it’s in the future. You can tell it’s the future because of the wacky vests the heroes wear and the futuristic font used for some of the lettering in the movie. He wrote, directed, starred and did the music for this film. His charm goes a long way, and he assembled an excellent B-movie star-filled cast. Erik Estrada puts in a pleasantly-surprising amount of effort into a role he easily could have slagged off. Jim Brown is unintelligible as he mumbles/whispers all his lines. Karen Black is literally wasted in a nothing role that a much less talented actress could have done.  Shannon Tweed takes a break from her “erotic thrillers”, which is a nice change, but she’s under-used as well (she keeps her clothes on). Julie Austin, last seen in Night Of the Wilding (1990), appears here as well, alongside a bunch of other names such as James Van Patten (which they misspell in the credits) and Don Stroud.

The interplay between Estrada and Heavener is a highlight, and Estrada gets arguably the best line of the movie when he describes The Bullseye Murderer as “A turbocharged Fruit Loop”. Clearly David Heavener proves his writing prowess with such a bizarre image. However, he shows some of his weaknesses as well with his blatant imitations of the great Stallone movie Cobra (1986). There are many lifts from Cobra on show here, not least of which is that Heavener is a quirky cop who drives a car and wears shades like Marion Cobretti. And there are also some apparent nods to Future Force (1989), of all things, as well: A loner law-enforcement dude of the future named Tucker that has a futuristic communications device in his car. So in the final analysis, Twisted Justice is like a cross between Cobra and Future Force, but neither of those movies have Freud (also spelled wrong in the credits) the Rat, in his only credited performance to date, sharing a donut with David Heavener.

While the movie could have used some more energy towards the end, especially needing another action scene or two in the final third instead of some talking, with a few minor tweaks, the movie could have been better, while still retaining its low-budget qualities. Unfortunately, this, as well as other Heavener DVD’s, were released by Troma. So the colors are washed out and it adds another layer of cheapness/junkiness where it REALLY isn’t needed. Troma DVD’s tend to suck, let’s face it, and a bunch of self-serving “extras” aren’t what the fans want. Not that I need to say it, but in case any potential DVD companies are reading this, we want as pristine a print of the original movie as possible, in its original aspect ratio, uncut. That’s all we really want. And maybe a trailer for the film. Thanks for reading this.

Heavener fans (there HAVE to be Heavener fans out there) will really enjoy this, as will fans of any of the stars involved. People with a low tolerance for junky-looking so-called “crud” movies won’t be so forgiving, but those people are lame anyway. Go Heavener!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty