Submarines (2003)

Submarines (2003)-*1\2

Directed by: David Douglas

Starring: Robert Miano, Stephen Ramsey, Jim Davidson, Jodi Bianca Wise, and Rufus Dorsey



"The War On Terror Has A New Hero"









After 9/11, Nu-Image apparently decided to do their part and make some patriotic movies based on each branch of the military under the banner of the American Heroes Series - Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. At least we think that was the idea. Unfortunately, these films, while extremely well-intentioned, are without character development and thus you cannot care about what goes on. The exception that proves the rule is Special Forces, which is actually good. The movies are Submarines, Marines, Air Strike and Special Forces.

In this mindless undersea outing, Robert Miano plays basically the same character he does in Ministry of Vengeance (1989) - a cloak-wearing Islamic terrorist named Sajid Kahn. He loves filming his murder and mayhem on a little video camera and seems to be obsessed with CNN. He mentions it often and even namechecks Wolf Blitzer. Terrorists being fans of The Situation Room explains a lot, actually.  So naturally this baddie hijacks a submarine and makes life a living hell for the crew of a fellow sub populated by the good guys.

But our heroes have enough problems as it is, as the Captain crashed into a Russian sub and his crewmates have nicknamed him "Captain Crunch". Besides dealing a crushing blow to his ego, it has severely impeded his ability to fight The Soggies.

Thus follows a lot of chasing, shooting, water filling the sub and other pitfalls that can befall a submarine. That includes a lot of CGI water and torpedoes. Yes, I said CGI WATER. Also not only is the dialogue complete gobbledygook (and from what some sources say, completely inaccurate), but it is also garbled and hard to hear. Perhaps they were ashamed and they turned the volume down.

This is another straight to video product where the cast all closely resemble other stars. The lead guy (sorry we haven't mentioned his name, but names are either never said or impossible to hear), SHOULD have been played by Treat Williams. The presence of Treat would have added a lot. But in actuality this is nothing more than a standard, dumb sea slog that makes Counter Measures (1999) look like a masterpiece. Heck, it makes the little-seen William Shatner vehicle Falcon Down (2000) look like a work of art.

Submarines has no human interest, no personality and no reason to watch. You're constantly shouting at the screen "who are these people?" - referring both to the actors and the characters they are playing. At least Counter Measures has the presence of Dudikoff. Submarines has nothing to recommend it, really.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

On The Edge (2002)

On The Edge (2002)-*1\2

Directed by: Fred Williamson

Starring: Fred Williamson, Ice-T, Gary Busey, Ron O'Neal, Jim Brown, Bernie Casey, and Gloria Allred



"Nobody Escapes The Streets."









 Willie Jo Harris (Derrick Franklin) is a young, star basketball player on the rise. His dad Frank (O'Neal) is very proud of him. But he did a stupid thing. He bought some drugs from local hood Slim Jim (Ice-T). Now he owes him a lot of money. But some goons dispatched to kill him accidentally got the wrong house and kill the wife and son of Rex Stevens (Casey). Harris asks Dakota "Dak" Smith (Williamson), an ex-cop, golf enthusiast, and private eye, for help. Now old buddies Frank, Rex and Dak have to team up to fight the gangsters and corrupt cops. One of the main targets is the ruthless assassin Felix (Busey). Will these "Original Gangsters" be able to take down the baddies and win the day?

Also it is worth mentioning that Jim Brown is on hand as Chad Grant (doesn't he just look like someone named "Chad"? Come to think of it, Bernie Casey doesn't scream a guy named "Rex", so there you go), an ex-football player who runs "Challenges" Community Center. Not typecasting at all. And none other than Gloria Allred has a small role as "Councilwoman Gloria Johnson". I guess she has to get herself in front of a camera at all costs. ALL costs. Where else would Dakota go for info about the streets?

Director/Star/Co-Writer Williamson corraled his old pals to appear in one last blast, and sadly, it was the last appearance of Ron O'Neal. As we've mentioned before on this site, "never have a last movie". Williamson has a nice anti-crime/drugs message here, in what can only be described as a "neo-blaxploitation" (or neoblax, for short) film. It seems to be an attempt to marry the old-school blaxploitation style of the 70's, with the newer, direct-to-video brand, represented by such titles as Dead Homiez (1993), State Property (2002), Paper Soldiers (2002), etc. Unfortunately, it has a cheap, junky feel to it, and in many scenes, the dialogue is nigh-impossible to hear because there is also some rap music blaring on the soundtrack, and it actually drowns out the actors. And don't try to turn up the volume, because the overly-loud music comes with it. So while we want to hear what The Hammer is saying, instead we hear the jam "Everybody Wants To Be A Gangsta". Luckily, it is my jam. But it just seems like a blatant attempt to "be cool" and stay hip with the kids. We, the audience, know Williamson, Casey, Brown and O'Neal don't listen to this "rap-music noise".

There are some entertaining and funny things about On the Edge, not the least of which are Willie Jo Harris' hair, Ice-T's absurd suit, the usage of the (years-old by this time) "Whhaaazzzzuuuupppp?" - I assume that's how you spell it, and the presence of Gary Busey. Sure, he's not using his classic word he pioneered in Bulletproof (1988), "Butthorn", but luckily he has a great mixed-metaphor line with: "This has all the makings of a setup...but I'm holding the ace." And if you've ever wanted to see Busey do a drive-by shooting in the same movie as Williamson's classic "Fred-Fu", this is the movie for you.

But the true headline for On the Edge should be "Bernie Casey with a rocket launcher". 'Nuff said.

Inexplicably ending with the word "Gone!", On the Edge is notable for its cast of lovable favorites, but it might be wise to stick with the more classic-era Fred Williamson titles.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty