Laser Moon (1993)

Laser Moon (1993)- 1\2*

Directed by: Douglas K. Grimm

Starring: Traci Lords, Harrison Le Duke, Peter Boyles, Bruce Carter, and Bob The Cat





“You know, this movie really sucks.” - Barbara Fleck







Zane Wolf (Le Duke) is a jaded, cynical late-night talk radio personality. You know he’s the ultimate coolguy because he has an awesome 90’s haircut and smokes cigarettes in front of “No Smoking” signs. When a serial killer starts murdering women every time a full moon appears, and using a laser pointer to do them in - yes, a laser pointer - Wolf tries to get the “Laser Moon Killer” to call into his radio show. Meanwhile, Detective Musso (Bruce Carter, in his only credited film role to date) is hard at work trying to catch the killer, continually reviewing audio tapes while floating in his fishing boat (don’t worry, we don’t get it either). 

When enthusiastic and inexplicably beautiful cop Barbara Fleck (Lords) joins Musso on his investigation, their differing styles of police work cause the expected problems that we’ve seen countless times. What will happen to the Laser Moon Killer?

It’s Talk Radio (1988) meets Zipperface (1992) in this extremely junky outing. We’ve seen low-budget production values before, that’s no big deal, but the amateurish nature of the technical aspects hinder the movie this time around. And the pace (and calling it that implies that it may be intentional) is so glacial, it’s an insult to icebergs. I know we’ve said this before, but it’s almost like the makers of Laser Moon had never actually seen a movie before in their lives. Then they decided to make one, sight unseen. Like if aliens from another planet came to earth not knowing what a movie was, but then launched a production anyway. 

Which is ironic because director Grimm acted in, wrote and edited Alien Seed (1989). There’s even an Alien Seed reference in Laser Moon. He also had a bit part in Elves (1989) - and that’s the full extent of his movie career. Maybe the fact that Laser Moon is not an AIP (like his other two) made him uncomfortable.

Maybe Grimm was attempting to make a noir-ish erotic thriller, which were huge in video stores at the time, but it’s hard to tell. The whole thing seems like a taped rehearsal, not a finished film. The total lack of energy, as well as the total lack of suspense, character development, action, or interest doom the movie. 

But it’s easy to be tricked by the box art - a front-and-center Traci Lords under an intriguing title - “Oh, Laser Moon, what’s that? Maybe I should rent this and find out...” We say, don’t be fooled. It’s all a ruse. They should have called it Laser Ruse, am I right Brah? Anyway...Harrison Le Duke is your classic Keanu Reeves/Billy Baldwin/Kyle MacLachlan/Colin Farrell/Nicolas Cage lookalike - he even acted with Cage in Fire Birds (1990). Bruce Carter as Musso strongly resembles Night Court’s Harry Anderson, and Zane’s radio station sidekick, Bernie Bernard (Peter Boyles - note the “s”) - is basically a carbon copy of strange entertainment reporter Pat O’Brien.

We actually really feel for Traci Lords here - through no fault of her own, this is the worst movie she has ever appeared in that we’ve seen. The movie is just bankrupt of everything that make movies worth watching. It needed some serious pep, and Fleck/Lords even sleeps on-screen in one scene. The problem is, this movie needed at least one other name star besides her. A Robert Z’Dar, Bo Hopkins, Mickey Rooney - pretty much any of the cast from The Legend of Wolf Mountain (1992) would do. (There’s a trailer for this movie on the VHS.)

Perhaps the best non-Lords performer in the movie is Bob the Cat, who sadly actually died either during or shortly after the film’s release, as the movie is dedicated to him. 

So despite the rotary-dial phones, sax on the soundtrack, and unintentionally funny line readings from some of the non-professional actors, the only reason to pick up the Hemdale VHS is the PSA from Orville Redenbacher before the movie starts. One can only imagine a lonely single man renting Laser Moon at his local video store, hoping to see a naked Traci Lords, and instead the first thing he sees after popping in the VHS tape is a screen-filling, gray-haired, bespectacled ORVILLE REDENBACHER entreating you to register to vote. Perhaps the PSA’s producers were trying to think of celebrities that had the most sway with public opinion. Or maybe they were going for the youth market. Regardless, it’s by far the best part of the Laser Moon experience, and one that is totally lost in the era of DVD.

For a snail’s-paced movie that lacks pretty much everything, Laser Moon is a prime example.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Last Samurai (1991)

The Last Samurai (1991)- * *

Directed by: Paul Mayersberg

Starring: Lance Henriksen, John Fujioka, Arabella Holzbog, Lisa Eilbacher, and John Saxon











Yasujiro Endo (Fujioka) is a Japanese businessman who decides to go to the African nation of Imtazi. He believes an ancestor of his was a samurai warrior who somehow got lost in Africa, and he is searching for answers. But for him it becomes a sort of spiritual quest to reconnect with his past. Meanwhile, he is surrounded by other colorful characters, such as Johnny Congo (Henriksen), a Vietnam vet, and Al-Hakim (Saxon), an Arab sheik. Caro and Susan (Holzbog and Eilbacher) have their own reasons for being there as well. 

Things really start to heat up when, surprisingly enough, strife occurs in Africa. That seems to give everyone the excuse for violence they’re looking for (or maybe that’s just the audience). Will Endo truly be THE LAST SAMURAI?

Not to be confused with the Tom Cruise movie of the same name, here the Last Samurai in question seems to be John Fujioka. He was a prolific actor that appeared in American Ninja (1985), American Ninja 2 (1987), American Samurai (1992) and American Yakuza (1993). He was obviously as obsessed with “American”-based action movies as we are here at Comeuppance Reviews, and for that we salute him. Clearly Tom Cruise is jealous of this guy. 

But here’s the problem: The Last Samurai is a case of the old “bait and switch”. With a title like that, and with a picture of Fujioka on the front brandishing a giant sword, you think you know what you’re in for. But you’d be wrong: this movie is an Africa Slog. Much like a Space Slog, a Submarine Slog, an Airplane Slog, or perhaps a Sci-Fi Slog, An Africa Slog might be fun for the cast and crew of the movie, but it’s not for the audience. After sitting there restlessly throughout most of the running time, you’re GLAD he’s the Last Samurai.

Even the great Lance Henriksen cannot save this. He does his absolute best, and his bolo tie is pretty awesome, but he’s struggling against a wall of incoherent plotting and incompetent direction, which is surprising for the normally talented Paul Mayersberg. Knowing his history, he may have been going for the artier end of things, but it all seems to fall flat. It’s hard to tell what’s going on here and why. Simply putting a bunch of characters in Africa is not the same thing as a plot. But Henriksen - whose name is Johnny Congo, it feels important to reiterate - had faced very similar challenges before, namely with Savage Dawn (1985). 

Interestingly enough, his co-star here, Arabella Holzbog, would appear with him again the same year in Stone Cold (1991), which was sort of like a biker do-over to correct the mistakes of Savage Dawn. It was also interesting to see fellow fan favorite John Saxon as some sort of Arab sheik. Saxon’s accent, or Saxccent, set him apart and showed his acting range.

Yes, the beginning of the film has a classy black and white Kendo match, and the climax has some good action, but it’s too little too late, as there’s not much of any in the middle of the movie. The Last Samurai is closer in spirit to Danger Zone (1996), Sweepers (1998), and even, heaven help us, High Explosive (2001), but it’s not that bad. 

We don’t want to malign the movie too much, but we felt it did not deliver on its promises. It lacks surprises or excitement. We really wanted to like the movie, but not much happens that makes it easy to like.

We found the Front Row Entertainment VHS at the Salvation Army, and we were excited at first, but it may get put back into circulation there.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty