Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Never Too Young To Die (1986)-* * *1\2

Directed by: Gil Bettman

Starring: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons, Peter Kwong, Robert Englund, and George Lazenby













Drew Stargrove (Lazenby) is a top-secret super-agent who has discovered that an awful plot is hatching: The evil Ragnar (Simmons) is going to poison the water supply of the Los Angeles area. When the ruthless Ragnar kills Drew, his son, the younger, more mulleted Stargrove, Lance (Stamos) must pick up where his father left off. Teaming up with the beautiful Danja Deering (Vanity) and his roommate Cliff (Kwong), who is an inventor of wacky, but helpful gadgets (no parallels to James Bond here), they set off to stop Ragnar and his minions.

Where to start with this classic? Never Too Young To Die is a very, very fun and highly entertaining movie - they truly do NOT make ‘em like this anymore. Lance Stargrove is a gymnast and Ragnar is a transvestite who performs under the name “Velvet”. Any movie with George Lazenby, John Stamos, Vanity and Gene Simmons - not to mention Robert Englund - is going to be a rare gem indeed and the movie does not disappoint. To quote the back of the VHS box (released by Charter), Vanity and Stamos “...must take on the maniacal hermaphrodite.” If that doesn’t pique your interest in seeing the movie, you’re probably dead. And they wrote that like it’s no big, unusual thing. God bless the 80’s.

Simmons really throws himself into the role he was clearly born to play. Perhaps a bit too much. John Stamos should have done more movies like this. His only other role that’s even a little bit similar is as the awesomely-named Grady Westerfall in Born to Ride (1991). There really should have been a Stargrove sequel - even a franchise, like Bond. They certainly say the name enough times, in true Brakus fashion. The whole thing was directed by Gil Bettman, who later directed Night Vision (1997). But this was indisputably his finest hour.

The movie tries to marry the action to typically-80’s comedy stylings, and the whole movie, from the names of the characters on down, has a very comic-booky feel. This was typical of the time as movies like The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) and The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak (1984), among other examples, clearly shows.

Thanks to all the weird, goofy, wacky and funny scenarios, time speeds by when watching this gem. The theme song by Tommie Lee Bradley is memorable as well.

For a true crowd-pleaser, seek out Never Too Young to Die.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Perfect Target (1997)

Perfect Target (1997)-* *1\2

Directed by: Sheldon Lettich

Starring: Daniel Bernhardt, Robert Englund, Jim Pirri, Dara Tomanovich, Julieta Rosen, and Brian Thompson













David Benson (Bernhardt) is a former CIA official who is down in the small, sleepy South American town of Santa Brava. All he wants to do is sit and drink his beer and enjoy a good cockfight, but oh no. He is recruited by Maj. Oxnard (Thompson) and Col. Shakwell (Englund) as part of a ragtag team of mercenaries to help protect an idealistic politician, President Casillas (Martinez) from potential assassins as he gives an address in the town square. Naturally, Casillas is shot - and Benson and his associate Ramirez (Pirri) are blamed. Now on the run, they end up in the jungle. They end up training a team of rebels to help overthrow the corrupt government, led by Casillas’ wife, Isabella (Rosen). Will Benson get out of this mess alive?

What’s so funny about this movie is how much Bernhardt resembles and sounds like Van Damme. Perfect Target was directed by Sheldon Lettich, the director of Lionheart (1990) and Double Impact (1991). Supposedly Bernhardt was discovered by the same guy that discovered Van Damme, and Bernhardt appeared in some of the Bloodsport sequels. For all intents and purposes, he IS Van Damme...yet he’s not. Every few minutes while watching this movie, you have to ask yourself, “is that Van Damme?” But, even though some wags might say Bernhardt is a low-rent JCVD, Perfect Target is actually a better movie than some Van Damme vehicles.

Bernhardt, from such movies as The Cutter (2005) and Strike Force (2003) (and even the Mystery Science Theater 3000-mocked Future War), appears more like JCVD here than ever before. Everything from his hair to his voice will remind you of the man. The role of David Benson also could have gone to Mark Dacascos or Olivier Gruner.

Interestingly, David Benson  smokes and drinks. This would never happen today. It’s pretty surprising this movie came out in 1997, it seems like it could have come out in ‘88 or earlier. It has that kind of feel. Brian Thompson, last seen as the baddie from Cobra (1986), enhances that fact. He is solid as the baddie here, as is Robert Englund, who gets to sneer away to his hearts’ content. He was probably relieved to not be doing a pigeonholed horror role. Plus, since their names are the mildly silly Oxnard and Shakwell, you can say, “Oh no! Oxnard and Shakwell are coming after you!”  The only one missing from the potential trifecta is Patrick Kilpatrick.

 

There’s plenty of shooting and hand-to-hand combat, and even one fight that recalls Operation Warzone (1988) of all things. The classic barfight is also here, and Benson is, of course, “the best” at what he does. But it seems an attempt was made to put in some decent dialogue and put in some plot twists. But it just may be too little too late.

This is the type of movie you feel you’ve seen before even if you haven’t. The whole “South American-corrupt government-rebels” formula has been seen in everything from Cocaine Wars (1985) to One Man Out (1989) to The Expendables (2010). The movie, shot in various parts of Mexico, has an appropriately hot and sweaty atmosphere, which is conveyed well.

Perfect Target, while sporting a nice, professional look and feel, is, sadly, standard fare and underwhelming.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty