Toy Soldiers (1984)

 Toy Soldiers (1984)- * *

Directed by: David Fisher 

Starring: Jason Miller, Cleavon Little, Terri Garber, Larry Poindexter, Jim Greenleaf, Tracy Scoggins, and Tim Robbins 

A man known only as Sarge (Miller) is a former Marine and Vietnam vet who now takes college kids on vacations to Central America on his yacht for fun and profit. On one particular excursion near Panama, some of the kids are taken hostage by "rebels" AKA the usual El Presidente types. Sarge, Amy (Garber), Boe (Robbins), Trevor (Pointexder) and some of the others manage to escape back to L.A.




But, on the urging on Amy, they decide to get into training mode so they can go back to rescue Monique (Scoggins), the injured Tom (Greenleaf), and other kids from their group that were left behind. Towards that end, they team up with Buck (Little), a pilot and former soldier that's willing to help them. Eventually they face off against the Central American fighters during their rescue mission. But are these college kids true warriors...or a bunch of TOY SOLDIERS?




Someone should really ask Tim Robbins about this movie. I think we're all curious as to his experiences as far as the making of Toy Soldiers goes. It all starts off in classic Romp fashion, with guys and girls in bathing suits on a yacht, pulling pranks on each other and laughing it up while synths play on the soundtrack. This was probably the best part of Toy Soldiers. Of course, Robbins is no stranger to Romps, as he was also in Fraternity Vacation (1985), which shares similarities with this first section of the film.




However, after this initial first blast of fun, things settle quickly down into a mediocre, by-the-numbers dullsville that we've all seen before. Examples - some of which are better than others - include Night Force (1987), Out of Control (1985), Damned River (1989), and Hired to Kill (1990), just to name a few. When the audience is begging your movie to be more like Mankillers (1987), you know there are some serious issues at hand.




It's the same old-same old El Presidente slog we're all quite familiar with at this point. Toy Soldiers (not to be confused with that other Toy Soldiers from 1991) is boring and standard, with nothing to really hang your hat on. To add insult to injury, all the guys in the movie wear the shortest shorts you've ever seen.


Most of the "action" only appears at the end, when there's some shooting and exploding huts during the final rescue mission. But what about the other 80 or so minutes? Hmmmm...



While there are some fun musical cues and stings on the soundtrack, it's just not enough to overcome the movie's many flaws. Probably the most obvious of which is that there is no character development so the audience doesn't really care what happens to either the college kids or the Jason Miller or Cleavon Little characters. It should have been the latter two busting heads and fighting the baddies as the main thrust of the plot.



Much like an episode of The Golden Girls, we get a "highlight reel" of moments we've just suffered through behind the end credits. So we all have the privilege of saying, "Wow, remember when Tim Robbins and the nerd guy smashed the watermelon?" - because, as part of their "training", in order to face off against deadly machine-gunners with nothing to lose, they hit a watermelon with a bat.

Featuring an end credits song that sounds a lot like Bertie Higgins' "Key Largo", Alan Graham's "It Couldn't Be Better" is truly a misnomer. The song should have been, "It Should've Been Better".



Released by New World Home Video on VHS in America, Toy Soldiers is a by-the-numbers dud and is inessential viewing.



Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Timebomb (1991)

Timebomb (1991)-* * *

Directed by: Avi Nesher

Starring: Michael Biehn, Patsy Kensit, Tracy Scoggins, Robert Culp, and Billy Blanks












Eddy Kay (Biehn) is a likable, mild-mannered watch repairman in the L.A. area. After instinctively rescuing some people from a house fire, memories and flashbacks are triggered in his mind, and he even randomly speaks Hungarian and knows martial arts techniques. Eddy thinks he is going crazy, but with the help of Dr. Anna Nolmar (Kensit), he goes on a search for the truth about his identity. While this is happening, boatloads of badguys are after them, including the sinister Mr. Brown (Blanks), and Ms. Blue (Scoggins). It all comes to a head in Oracle, AZ at a place called the Lang Institute. We won’t give away anything plotwise, but here’s a one-word hint: “SuperSoldiers”.

Michael Biehn brings his usual excellent performance and presence to this film, which is more intelligent than other fare of this kind. For example, the name Eddy Kay is most likely a subtle reference to Kafka and The Trial, and its protagonist Josef K, and the travails of Eddy Kay are certainly “Kafkaesque” as they say. If this seems pretentious, blame the movie, not me. But back in reality, we have Billy Blanks as Mr. Brown (remember how all the Power Rangers’ uniforms were color-coded by race/gender? I guess marry that to Reservoir Dogs (1992), which Timebomb predated by one year), who wears a spiffy three-piece suit and black gloves. Blanks and Biehn fight twice in the movie.

Timebomb was certainly the Unknown (2011) of its day, one man’s search for his identity as everyone around him tries to kill him and there’s no one to trust. Add in some Altered States (1980) and a dash of They Live (1988), throw in a bunch of B-movie names and there you have it. If this sounds too much like a Sci-Fi slog, fear not. While there are some Science-Fiction-y strands to the plot, they’re usually worthy and never sink into slog territory. There’s plenty of action as well.

Thanks to some above-average elements, such as Michael Biehn and some interesting ideas, Timebomb makes for a quality night of VHS fun.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Cutter (2005)

The Cutter (2005) -* *

Directed By: William Tannen

Starring: Chuck Norris, Aaron Norris, Bernie Kopell, Tracy Scoggins, Daniel Bernhardt








This isn't a movie about depressed teenage girls, in fact, The Cutter is an action movie starring everybody's favorite American Chuck Norris. The movie should be a no-strings-attached action flick and because it doesn't succeed at that, I can't help but be let down by it.

The plot: An old diamond cutter named Isaac (Kopell) gets kidnapped by Dirk  (Bernhardt) and he is put in a cell to cut a centuries-old diamond. John Shepard (Norris) is the detective who has to save him. The problem with the movie is that it tries too hard. There's some dialogue and situations involving the holocaust that hurt the flow of the movie. It's distracting. The movie's heart is the right place though.




Chuck Norris does a decent job with the material he's given, but basically he's coasting. What Norris does excel at is his martial arts. We all know Chuck's pretty silly, but when you see him fight, it's still kind of exciting. There are two good fights in the film: The one on the bus and the end fight. The only problem is that the action is cut too fast to see, but you can make out Norris and not a stunt double (most of the time).

The movie in a nutshell is a 90 minute "Walker, Texas Ranger" episode but with more explosions.





Comeuppance Review by: Ty