Raw Courage (1984)

 

Raw Courage (1984)- * *

Directed by: Robert L. Rosen

Starring: Ronny Cox. Art Hindle, Tim Maier, and M. Emmet Walsh

Man, Pete Canfield (Cox) really likes to run. Running being the driving force in his life, he and his buddy Roger Bower (Hindle), and a young runner-in-training (i.e. a RIT), Craig Jensen (Maier), decide to do what any normal trio of dudes with a lot of time on their hands would do: go on a 72-mile whisk through the New Mexico desert. Armed with only their fanny packs and their disturbingly short shorts, the men start their traipse promisingly enough. But there's something lurking in the scrub brush that's really gonna slow down their time: a militia group called the Citizen's Brigade has flown in from Colorado for some reason and really doesn't take much of a shine to our running-obsessed pals. Led by the sinister Col. Crouse (Walsh), the situation quickly devolves into the runners versus the gunners as the battle ensues. Will Canfield, Bower, and Jensen dig deep to find their RAW COURAGE?




Written by Ronny Cox and his then-wife Mary, seemingly their intention with Raw Courage was to combine the "Friends have to combat a threat in a rural environment" film like Deliverance (1972), Rituals (1977), or Southern Comfort (1981) with the "Nerd finds his strength to fight" film best exemplified by Straw Dogs (1971), with the "running" film such as On the Edge (1985) or Personal Best (1982). Fitness trends, including running, were on the upswing in the 80's. Apparently the Cox family felt now was the time to put all this stuff in a blender and serve it up to the viewing public.

Or, to put it another way, the Coxes could have just exclaimed, "Hope ya like RUNNING!" because boy do you get a lot of it in this film. So-called "Weekend Warriors", or war games, were also something that was a bit more relevant and on people's minds back in '84. Soldier of Fortune magazine was a hot seller on newsstands, so, as other films have used as well, these groups made a quick-and dirty baddie troupe that filmmakers evidently felt didn't require much character development. They're just bad, that's all. They note that they're preparing for "The Crunch", which is not explored but it's hinted at that it's a cashless society/New World Order future. So maybe the Citizen's Brigade are just ahead of their time, who knows?




Raw Courage does boast some impressive and novel cinematography by Frank P. Flynn, who especially excels with hand-held work. There's a nicely synthy score by Johnny Harris and some standout editing by Steve Polivka. But here's the problem: once the main conflict is established between the runners and the militia, the film doesn't change, grow, or arc. It hits that wall, and then it's just "run, chase, run, chase, a militia guy dies, run, chase..." and so forth. There's no development beyond that, or surprises, or twists - and that's the vast majority of the film. It's more or less an 82-minute chase scene.




Your tolerance for that may vary. Further upsides include the heroes using their running skills to defeat the baddies, and the runners facing real-life running hazards such as dehydration and cramps. Presumably this is the favorite film of the staff of Runner's World magazine. The big party planned for when the runners eventually were to cross the finish line was sponsored by Capri-Sun and features a Capri-Sun blimp. We could have used more of that blimp. We really could have.




Raw Courage, AKA simply Courage, is the only directorial effort for Robert L. Rosen to date, although he has done other jobs in the film industry for a long time now. The New World VHS could be found in many video stores, and the tagline "Find It Or Die" (referring to your raw courage, presumably) is a memorable one. That's really the point in the end: Raw Courage is a tape that you'd see in your local video store. Maybe you'd rent it, maybe you wouldn't - they sure did their best to make runners running away while on the run an appealing prospect, assuming the film doesn't give you motion sickness - but it was THERE. It was almost a comforting part of our video store landscape. So, almost beyond the qualities and merits of the film itself, it was part of that beloved video store world. Is that enough? Probably for a one-time watch it is.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Toy Soldiers (1984)

 Toy Soldiers (1984)- * *

Directed by: David Fisher 

Starring: Jason Miller, Cleavon Little, Terri Garber, Larry Poindexter, Jim Greenleaf, Tracy Scoggins, and Tim Robbins 

A man known only as Sarge (Miller) is a former Marine and Vietnam vet who now takes college kids on vacations to Central America on his yacht for fun and profit. On one particular excursion near Panama, some of the kids are taken hostage by "rebels" AKA the usual El Presidente types. Sarge, Amy (Garber), Boe (Robbins), Trevor (Pointexder) and some of the others manage to escape back to L.A.




But, on the urging on Amy, they decide to get into training mode so they can go back to rescue Monique (Scoggins), the injured Tom (Greenleaf), and other kids from their group that were left behind. Towards that end, they team up with Buck (Little), a pilot and former soldier that's willing to help them. Eventually they face off against the Central American fighters during their rescue mission. But are these college kids true warriors...or a bunch of TOY SOLDIERS?




Someone should really ask Tim Robbins about this movie. I think we're all curious as to his experiences as far as the making of Toy Soldiers goes. It all starts off in classic Romp fashion, with guys and girls in bathing suits on a yacht, pulling pranks on each other and laughing it up while synths play on the soundtrack. This was probably the best part of Toy Soldiers. Of course, Robbins is no stranger to Romps, as he was also in Fraternity Vacation (1985), which shares similarities with this first section of the film.




However, after this initial first blast of fun, things settle quickly down into a mediocre, by-the-numbers dullsville that we've all seen before. Examples - some of which are better than others - include Night Force (1987), Out of Control (1985), Damned River (1989), and Hired to Kill (1990), just to name a few. When the audience is begging your movie to be more like Mankillers (1987), you know there are some serious issues at hand.




It's the same old-same old El Presidente slog we're all quite familiar with at this point. Toy Soldiers (not to be confused with that other Toy Soldiers from 1991) is boring and standard, with nothing to really hang your hat on. To add insult to injury, all the guys in the movie wear the shortest shorts you've ever seen.


Most of the "action" only appears at the end, when there's some shooting and exploding huts during the final rescue mission. But what about the other 80 or so minutes? Hmmmm...



While there are some fun musical cues and stings on the soundtrack, it's just not enough to overcome the movie's many flaws. Probably the most obvious of which is that there is no character development so the audience doesn't really care what happens to either the college kids or the Jason Miller or Cleavon Little characters. It should have been the latter two busting heads and fighting the baddies as the main thrust of the plot.



Much like an episode of The Golden Girls, we get a "highlight reel" of moments we've just suffered through behind the end credits. So we all have the privilege of saying, "Wow, remember when Tim Robbins and the nerd guy smashed the watermelon?" - because, as part of their "training", in order to face off against deadly machine-gunners with nothing to lose, they hit a watermelon with a bat.

Featuring an end credits song that sounds a lot like Bertie Higgins' "Key Largo", Alan Graham's "It Couldn't Be Better" is truly a misnomer. The song should have been, "It Should've Been Better".



Released by New World Home Video on VHS in America, Toy Soldiers is a by-the-numbers dud and is inessential viewing.



Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Furious (1984)

Furious (1984)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Tim Everett and Tom Satori

Starring: Phillip Rhee

"Simon, beware of Chan, he's evil!" - a statue (?)

An attempt at a plot description for Furious would be like trying to describe the plot of Eraserhead (1977), or Begotten (1990), or some other piece of impressionistic, surrealistic cinema. It's not impossible, per se, but it won't really convey what you see on screen. You just have to watch it for yourself. 

The tagline for the DVD (which is out of print and expensive) is "Karate Heroes Fight Aliens For Control of the Astral Plane!" And, yes, Simon Rhee, playing a young Martial Artist named Simon, in some way, manner, or form, battles it out with many strange assailants, including Master Chan (Phillip Rhee). But what happens along the way simply must be seen. Mere words can't do it justice.

Furious is the netherworld between a dream, a drug trip, and a student film. There's very minimal dialogue, there's magic, there's chickens, there's a swordsman entertaining patrons of a restaurant, there's a Devo-esque band playing, there's an evil corporation and angry sherpas, there's a Karate school of children, and a heck of a lot more besides. We wouldn't dare spoil anything you're about to see. 

We're not sure how much of this is intentional and how much is unintentional, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. It's certainly unexplainable. It's wacky and you never know what directors Everitt and Sartori are going to throw at you next. Fun, entertainment, and smiles follow.

Furious is a classic of the VHS era. It made going to the video store in the 80's worth doing. You might think, if you didn't know any better, that this was just a run-of-the-mill, standard Martial Arts film. Nothing could be further from the truth. If someone took a chance on renting Furious back then, they would've been hit with something unexpected. Getting rewarded with something so left-field fueled the addiction to video stores. But the power of Furious continues into the present day.

Consequently, Furious is one of the best films we've seen this year. I'm sure we'll be talking about it and referencing it from now until kingdom come. Only one question remains: Where's the Blu-Ray?

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Killing Machine (1984)

Killing Machine (1984)- * * *

AKA Goma-2

Directed by: Jose Antonio De La Loma

Starring: Jorge Rivero, Margaux Hemingway, Ana Obregon, Aldo Sambrell, Hugo Stiglitz, Richard Jaeckel, Willie Ames and Lee Van Cleef

Txema Basterreneche (Rivero) is a simple truck driver who has enough problems in life with people trying to pronounce his name. The last thing he wants is more trouble. But that's just what he gets as he travels the highways between Spain and France as he hauls fruit. Evidently there is a French Produce Mafia who don't take kindly to Txema's fruit runs. The guys in the FPM (we assume that's the union initials for French Produce Mafia) are constantly calling Txema "That damn Spaniard" and "That Spanish bastard". Harsh words indeed, but things escalate from name calling and fruit-stomping to murder when the FPM burns Txema's truck - with his beloved Elisa (Obregon) inside.



Now burning with revenge, Txema hooks back up with former colleague Jacqueline (Hemingway). It seems that in their past, they were both part of a mysterious - and deadly - "organization". Now falling back on his old ways and killing skills, Txema starts taking out the trash - which is, in this case, a bunch of French produce truckers. Picot (Sambrell), Koldo (Stiglitz) and boss Martin (Jaeckel) are all on his list, but Txema eventually works his way up to the final showdown with arch-baddie and produce lawyer Julot (Van Cleef). Will Txema execute his final mission? And what does Tony (Aames) have to do with all this?



Well, you gotta give Killing Machine points for originality. We can't say we've ever seen what we would have to call produce goons before. That's right, produce goons. If you watch enough movies, and dig under every rock, you're bound to find something at least a little bit new and different. Despite some pacing issues, Killing Machine (AKA Goma-2, which is apparently some type of explosive), is enjoyable enough - a sort of European take on F.I.S.T. (1978) meets Death Wish (1974). 

A solid cast and music by the De Angelis brothers also help things along nicely. Revenge movies are among our favorites and it was nice to see fan favorite Jorge Rivero do what he does best. Evidently that includes punching French truckers. (How often do you get a chance to write - or read - the phrase "punching French truckers"? You gotta love it).



It was nice to see Margaux Hemingway, as she doesn't pop up too often around these parts, and you really have to appreciate her eye for art and home decor in the film. The legendary Lee Van Cleef was terrific as the main baddie, definitely a "boo-hiss" situation, and Richard Jaeckel as his underling was okay, nothing spectacular. 

The rest of the Spanish-language cast was fine too, including mainstays Sambrell and Stiglitz. The team-up we've all been waiting for, Jorge Rivero and Willie Aames, finally appears here. The rumors appear to be unfounded, as of this writing, that Willie Aames has legally changed his name to Willie Bibleman.



For an under the radar - or should we say under the CB - revenge film that should be more well known, do check out Killing Machine.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Slash (1984)

Slash (1984)- * * *

Directed by: Jun Gallardo

Starring: Rom Kristoff, Gwendolyn Hung, Nick Nicolson, and Mike Monty




“KONG SEN!!!!!!” – Slash








Starting during the Vietnam War, Peter “Slash” Harris (Rom) and Major Andrew Scott (Mike Monty, not to be confused with Dolph in Universal Soldier) are buddies during the thick of the fighting. Later on in life, Scott becomes a CIA agent. He works with a woman named Barbara (Hung), and they go between Cambodia and Thailand fighting the commies. After Barbara steals some secret KGB files from a hidden safe, she’s kidnapped by baddies. Scott’s reaction is only natural: he calls Slash to go and rescue her and/or the files. As a one-man fighting force, Slash proceeds to mow down countless faceless nameless bad guys along the way. Will Slash be saying “welcome to the jungle”? Find out today…

Like the other Jun Gallardo films we’ve seen, Slash has a lot of what you might call “third-world charm”. We’ve mentioned this in other reviews, especially for the films by Arizal (who’s a heck of a lot more talented than Gallardo in our opinion), but the main gist is this: making an action movie under near-impoverished conditions didn’t stop them from giving it their all. Gallardo probably figured that he couldn’t deliver deep dialogue exchanges and well-thought-out plot developments to audiences, so he’d make up for it with non-stop machine gun-shooting and explosions. 

From the second the movie appears on the screen, there are shooting and blow-ups, and it basically doesn’t relent from there on in. Of course, this is yet another jungle-set exploding hut movie, where lush, verdant settings are torched into oblivion and an inexhaustible supply of uniformed assailants are continually mowed down.

There’s so much smoke on screen at the outset, the white titles are not legible to the audience. Did the filmmakers not notice this during the editing process? Anyway, all our Philippines-set regulars are here: Mike Monty, Nick Nicholson, and the rest of the gang. As our stand in for Rambo, we have Rombo – Rom Kristoff. It’s enjoyable to watch him scream, shoot machine guns, and scream while he shoots machine guns. 

His rocket launchers inexplicably make a laser noise when fired, and there is a memorable exploding helicopter along the way. Naturally, guard towers blow up and huts blow up. The villain of the piece doesn’t show up until way late into the proceedings. He should have been around earlier so as to set up the good guy-bad guy dynamic and tension. 

While not in any sense a bad movie, Slash doesn’t do much to separate itself from the pack as far as these exploding hutters go. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really stand out from the crowd even though, as noted earlier, clearly a lot of time and work went into the non-stop action scenes. 

If you just can’t get enough of this type of stuff, Slash will satisfy your machine-guns-in-the-jungle craving. However, those seeking substance or something different may come away disappointed. But the third-world charm remains.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Heroes For Hire (1984)

Heroes For Hire (1984)- * * *1\2
AKA: Hell Raiders

Directed by: John Lloyd

Starring: Bruce Baron, Robert Marius, Eric Hahn, Jerry Beyer, Don Holtz, Tony Chang, Liza Hutton, Mike Monty, Nick Nicholson, and Lincoln Abraham

There’s some microfilm that everyone is after. Professor Arlington (Monty) has it, and to keep it extra safe and secure, he gets surgery so that it is implanted deep in his arm. We’re told via an on-screen title card that this happened in MIAMI, 1980. Shortly thereafter, we see another on-screen title that reads FEW YEARS LATER. Arlington is at a party wearing nothing but a Speedo. Armed terrorists, led by Charles Barner (Marius), crash the party and kidnap Arlington and his wife Liza (Liza Hutton). Of course, yet another evil baddie, Escaler (Hahn), is also after the microfilm. 

It seems – at least at first – that only one man can stop the chaos: McPearson (Baron), a man who by turns is either sullen and belligerent, or energetic and lively. Evidently McPearson is going to need extra help, so his boss goes to an organization called Heroes For Hire. It’s there that more heroes are brought in: Magnum (Beyer), the Clint Eastwood guy, Cactus (Holtz), the Cowboy guy, and Ninja (Chang), the ninja guy. Now an unstoppable fighting force, the HEROES FOR HIRE will use their combined strengths to fight the baddies…but will even that be enough? Find out today…



We’ve got a winner on our hands with Heroes For Hire (AKA Hell Raiders), a fun and absurd romp that sports some really outstanding moments. There are five John Lloyd movies, and of the ones we’ve seen to date, so far this ranks as the best. It has an extremely high kill count mixed with the silly moments we all love and enjoy. 

It features most of the Philippines-shot action movie mainstays such as Mike Monty (looking especially like Bryan Cranston here), Nick Nicholson (in a tiny part as Berenkov), and Jim Gaines, also in a cameo role, seemingly only placed with Bruce Baron on a boat to further reinforce – as if it were necessary – the Crockett & Tubbs vibe. It truly was the era of Miami Vice – absurdly, the movie even takes place in Miami – and McPearson (or is it Bruce Baron?) truly Crocketts it up with his sports jackets with the rolled-up sleeves worn with a T-shirt, and topped off with Ray-Bans, which he consistently wears indoors just to show how cool he is. Even in the less Crockett-esque moments, Baron more than shows that he’s a crafty, resourceful, and capable hero. 

The movie really takes off at the midway point, at the introductions of Magnum, Cactus, and Ninja, which in itself is a highlight. That being said, we wish more thought had been given to the name of Ninja, but perhaps that’s all part of the charm. Once the Heroes For Hire assemble, it’s truly a joy to watch what ensues. We don’t want to give anything away, but let’s just say a lot of people die, McPearson’s boss has the prerequisite framed Reagan photo on his desk, we’re informed that Barner was formerly in Vietnam, and there’s a hilariously truncated chainsaw fight. Also Arlington’s wife calls him both Fred and/or Ted at various different points throughout the film.



We noticed that a man named Lincoln Abraham played a helicopter pilot in the movie, and also was the still photographer behind the scenes. He was probably included solely for his name, which looks like a typo. There are also crew members named Larry Byrd and George Will. Are these real people, or Filipino locals using anglicized names? We may never know. The important thing to remember is that you will have a lot of fun watching Hell Raiders.



Final thoughts: Heroes For Hire is one of the better non-Vietnam-based, Philippines-shot low-budget actioners we’ve seen in some time. As of this writing, it’s on Amazon Prime and we say check it out.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett 

The Executioner, Part II (1984)

The Executioner, Part II (1984)- * * *

Directed by: James Bryan

Starring: Chris Mitchum, Aldo Ray, and Renee Harmon











A vigilante the press have dubbed “The Executioner” is running around L.A. dealing with punks in his own inimitable way. When Police Commissioner (Ray) (that’s all he’s billed as) demands answers, Lt. Roger O’Malley (Mitchum) is on the case. Meanwhile, O’Malley’s daughter Laura becomes addicted to drugs, and, needing money, turns to her loud-voiced, giggly friend for help. 

She naturally suggests she go into prostitution, but to watch out for a sadist named “The Tattoo Man”, who may abuse her in the process. Some sort of gangsters are involved and putting pressure on the local pimp, and only a delusional Vietnam vet (is there any other kind, according to low-budget actioners?) holds the key to it all. Will O’Malley stop the O’madness? Or will he let it continue as long as The Executioner is cleaning up the streets? Find out today!

The Executioner, Part II is a gem. Essentially a 78-minute, incoherent, incomprehensible mess, it’s easy to love a movie that’s this disjointed and sloppy. In the grand tradition of Surf II (1984) and Leonard Part 6 (1987), there is no Executioner, Part I (just the fact that there’s a comma, a space, and a “part” after the title is a major clue to the insanity/inanity going on). Clearly the structure (?) of the movie was modeled after The Exterminator (1980), complete with a Vietnam-set battle intro, which segues into a modern urban environment. It seems so obvious that 21st Century Film Corporation was trying to trick distracted theater patrons/video renters, but, hey, it was the golden age of exploitation, and if this is the end result, it can’t be all bad.

Try to imagine a cross between Rescue Force (1990)and Death Promise (1977)- complete with straitlaced, unnecessary narration, poor lighting, non-editing, and the star of the show - the dubbing. The dubbing this time around is laugh out loud funny. TE, PII (as all the cool people call it) is one of those “another planet” movies - the filmmakers seem so out of touch with the way human beings actually talk and behave, it seems like it was made in some far-away world. 

This was director James Bryan’s first in a trilogy of films he did with the great Renee Harmon - the follow-ups being Hell Riders (1984) and Lady Street Fighter (1985). Brilliantly, the movie was released on a big-box double feature VHS with Harmon’s Frozen Scream (1975). Apparently Continental Video was really gunning for that rich mine of Renee Harmon fans. Well, we still remember it fondly. Only in the 80’s, we tell you. Only in the 80’s.

Fan favorite Chris Mitchum is in full effect here as well. Sporting dark hair and a dark mustache, he fights Middle-Aged Punks (MAP’s) with the best of ‘em, featuring some of the best (?) fight choreography in recent memory. He even has what has to be the first beeper of all time. But while the Executioner has an ace up his sleeve in the way he deals with the epidemic of punks, the punks have their own means of intimidation - pouring milk on people’s heads.  No wonder Aldo Ray wants answers.

Featuring one of those classic, funky soundtracks (much like the aforementioned Death Promise), The Executioner, Part II certainly marches to the beat of its own whacked-out drummer. There comes a point when cinematic ineptness becomes a treasure. This is that point.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Also check out a write-up from our buddies, Cool Target and Bleeding Skull!

Cobra Thunderbolt (1984)

Cobra Thunderbolt (1984)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Tanong Srichua

Starring: Sorapong Chatree









A bald, wheelchair-bound man named Col. Dave has given his all for his army and his country, including the use of his legs. He “worked with the Americans in Laos” during the Vietnam war, and he has a lot of painful flashbacks to his combat experiences. However, Col. Dave is an inventor, and he’s put a lifetime of military knowledge behind his latest invention, a supertank known as the Cobra Thunderbolt. 

Because it’s the most badass tank ever, baddies, led by the illegal arms trader Kang Wan (at least that’s what we think they’re saying) want the tank. Col. Dave doesn’t budge, so they kidnap his wife. Along with his daughter, the beautiful Lt. Molly - which might be the coolest name for a daughter in recent memory - and a combat cohort named Dick, the three of them go after the bad guys the only way they know how...with their combined military prowess and the COBRA THUNDERBOLT! Will they be successful? Find out today...

Cobra Thunderbolt is the only known writing/directing credit for one Tanong Srichua. The rough-and-tumble charm is evident from the jump, and the homemade nature of everything from the car stunts to the acting is impressive - there probably weren’t a ton of resources in Thailand in 1984 to make a movie of this type, but that didn’t stop Tanong and the gang from making an action movie with plenty of blow-ups and other goodies, not the least of which is the killer tank. We admire the ambition, and we wish he had done more.

We really began to love Col. Dave and Lt. Molly. With names like that, how could you not? Col. Dave really should win father of the year. While other dads are fretting about making sure their kids wear kneepads and helmets to ride their bikes, Col. Dave trains Molly in how to shoot a machine gun while flying in the air riding a jetpack. 

The Cobra Thunderbolt itself - in conjunction with Lt. Molly’s jetpack and the fact that the main baddie is an arms dealer - will lead you to believe the strongest influence on the movie was the 80’s cartoon/toy line G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. If, back in the 80’s, there was a live action version shot in Thailand, this might just be it.

There’s a ton of funny dubbing, characters complain about how M-16’s don’t work in the rain, the Cobra Thunderbolt’s primary camouflage is to emit bright purple smoke, official government buildings have prominent Snoopy posters, and Dick won’t drive the Cobra Thunderbolt without wearing an Oakland Raiders football helmet. Even in Thailand in the 80’s, people still said “We got company!”, and the soundtrack is a lathering waterfall of synths. 

The only real downside here is it gets a bit talky at times, but that’s a minor quibble when you look at the bigger picture. Which is clearly a badass supertank blowing the crap out of everything in sight while Lt. Molly shoots a machine gun while wearing a jetpack. Just to be perfectly clear.

‘Thunderbolt was made and released by Davian International, the company that is largely responsible for the career of Dale “Apollo” Cook. This movie was released before they found their main star and muse. Criminally, it was never released on VHS in the U.S. back in the golden era of video (or ever, for that matter). It did find release in Greece, Canada and, of course, Japan. Japan’s box art is typically killer - how could you not want to see the movie after witnessing the box art?

In the end, Cobra Thunderbolt is certainly worth seeing, especially if you appreciate exotic foreign takes on the action spectacle.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Ninja Mission (1984)

The Ninja Mission (1984)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Mats Helge

Starring:  Curt Broberg, Hanna Pola, Hans Rosteen, and Mats Helge








Dr. Markov (Broberg) is a scientist who looks a lot like Raymond Burr. He has developed some sort of alternative energy source and is guarding his discovery with his life, literally. The KGB kidnap him and his nightclub singer daughter Nadia (Hanna Pola in her only credited role to date), and the CIA do the one logical thing the CIA might do in a case like this: they unleash a Swedish ninja to clean up the mess. Complicating things are some UN jerk named Abelman (Hans Rosteen, also a one-timer) and a crazy Russkie named Ivan (director Helge). Sure enough, lots of silly intrigue ensues, in between the action scenes, of course. Will the ninja complete his mission? Find out today!

The Ninja Mission is an acknowledged cult classic, and, impressively, one of the top-grossing movies ever to come out of Sweden. Worldwide, surely it made a large profit from its low budget. For those that think the only director of merit to come from Sweden is Ingmar Bergman, behold the great Mats Helge. 

While he improved upon The Ninja Mission with his later Russian Terminator (1989), there’s plenty to admire about this particular ‘Mission. The whole thing looks better than some of Helge’s other efforts, thanks to some higher-tier widescreen photography with some nice lighting schemes (when they’re not too dark, that is). Sure, there may be some stilted dialogue/ADR work, and even though the plot doesn’t make much sense (not that we’re complaining about that), Helge still feels the need to put in a ton of silly, unnecessary dialogue scenes explaining everything. He continued this with Russian Terminator. 

Also to admire the fact that Helge threw caution to the wind and figured ninjas need not be Japanese. It was the 80’s Ninja Boom after all, and movies like this gave it a special cache.

But perhaps we’re burying the lead here. We should have started by using the now-classic phrase “Fat Swedish Guy Punching Ninjas”. That’s all you need to know, really. But it clearly seems all the attention and energy went into the action scenes, and that makes sense, because that’s why we're all here in the first place, right? On top of some rather wacky ninja fights, there are some classic throwing stars, car chases, and a lot of  gun-shooting. 

Even though they’re regular guns, they make a laser-style blip - not ‘pew pew’, the budget might not have allowed for that - here it’s simply a short, curt ‘pew’. Why the guns make this odd noise is never explained. Unlike everything else, which is over-explained (yet makes no sense). See what we mean?

A lot of the violence was saved for the climax, and it is indeed a doozy. There’s also the Prerequisite Torture, and the 80’s vibe is strong and powerful. This comes across well in the nightclub scene, when Nadia (wearing a killer outfit), for rights reasons channels her inner ‘Bat Penatar’ with her tune “Baby You Ran Away’. But, perhaps, in the end, Director Helge decided the hero was too young, virile and capable, and for his next ninja outing got an elderly Kenny Rogers lookalike to do all the hard-hitting action. God bless him for that.

We’re not sure if every VHS edition is cut, but we believe most, if not all the 80’s releases are, including the one on Media. It’s important, should you choose to buy this movie, that you get the DVD edition, as it’s uncut, and the violent bits are the most entertaining bits for the most part, and the movie would be a heck of a lot duller without them. It’s a shame to think people watched versions like that throughout the years, but it didn’t stop the movie from being a big success. 

Imagine if they saw the uncut version from the jump - the movie would have been huge! Additionally, it should probably be pointed out that a Jeanette Jaquelle is credited as a continuity girl, but her credit is misspelled as “Continuety Girl”. Perhaps she wasn’t paying attention. But, after all, it’s the “English As a Second Language” charm that, truly, in the end, keeps The Ninja Mission and other Helge movies afloat. At least for us.

Despite some slow passages, The Ninja Mission is deserving of its cult status and has some great moments. We’ll continue to champion the work of Mats Helge if we can get a hold of any more of it.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett 

Jungle Warriors (1984)

Jungle Warriors (1984)- * *

Directed by: Ernst R. Von Theumer

Starring: Nina Van Pallandt, Marjoe Gortner, Paul L. Smith, Woody Strode, Alex Cord, John Vernon, and Sybil Danning











A pretty irritating guy named Larry (Gortner) is in charge of corralling a bunch of models and flying them down to an unnamed South or Central American country (the movie itself was shot in Mexico). They inadvertently land in the thick jungles of drug-smuggling country. This particular gang of drug lords is commanded by Santiago (Smith) and his sister Angel (Danning). 

They have a team of thugs led by Luther (Strode). It’s not looking good for the models, and making things even worse is that a mobster named Vito Mastranga (Vernon) and his associate Nick Spilotro (Cord) are collaborating with Santiago and Angel and are in negotiations for future highly illegal doings. With no prior combat training, the models are going to have to take up arms against their captors if they ever want to strut on the catwalk ever again. Will they be able to pull off this daring feat?

You’d think - you’d REALLY think - that a movie about a bunch of models who get together and have to shoot a bunch of guns to escape the jungle and get back at the baddies would be a surefire formula for cinematic greatness. Or at least entertainment. 

Somehow Jungle Warriors manages to fumble this potential home run, to use a spot-on sports analogy. Lamely, the movie is talky, boring, slow, lacks action, and the worst crime of all is that it’s not exploitative enough. To compare it to something, Raw Force (1982) is better, and Jungle Warriors kind of falls into that video store shelf-filler netherworld inhabited by the likes of other similarly-themed mediocre flicks like Savage Justice (1988) and Sweet Revenge (1987). Though to be fair and balanced, it is better than Mercenary II (1999).

Perhaps you even saw this or the aforementioned titles collecting dust on the shelf of your local video store. Sybil Danning’s face couldn’t be much bigger on the U.S. VHS box art (as was the case with her “Adventure Video” series), but she is painfully underused in the movie itself. Another quite easy thing the movie could have done to improve itself would have been to include more Danning. 

Actually, pretty much the entire cast gets the short end of the stick somehow. Woody Strode says nothing, Danning is barely there, Paul L. Smith has no facial hair and does minimal fighting, John Vernon is in a veritable sit-down role, Alex Cord does what he can, and only Marjoe Gortner adds some Woody Allen-like spice to this mush. The models don’t seem to have individual personalities.

It’s a plot we’ve all seen many times before, and they saved all the supposed action for the climax. Some pew-pew machine gun shooting and maybe an exploding helicopter at the last minute doesn’t make up for all the waterfall footage we’d seen for the previous eighty or so minutes. 

But on the plus side, 80’s buffs will be delighted to see a vicious-looking drug goon wearing an E.T. shirt, and a too-brief glimpse of the wardrobe girl on the fashion shoot who has a sideways ponytail and is listening to a Walkman with orange ear covers. She should have gotten her own movie, she was the best character. The whole thing tops off with a theme song  featuring the aggressively abrasive, Lene Lovich-like vocals of one Marina Arcangeli. So it all ends on a bad note, literally.

Jungle Warriors is unfortunately lackluster, and it should have been called, if we may borrow a phrase from ourselves, Jungle Slog.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, The Video Vacuum! 

Access Code (1984)

Access Code (1984)- * *

Directed by: Mark Sobel

Starring: Martin Landau, Michael Napoli, Marcia Walter, Gyl Roland, Michael Ansara, and Bill Woods












 Apparently somebody, somewhere has stolen some nukes and a secret government agency is trying to get them back before they blow up the earth. Meanwhile a journalist named Ben Marcus (the Dustin Hoffman-like Michael Napoli, in his only screen credit) is also attempting to get to the truth. Along with him on this adventure are Julie Barnes (Walter) and a man named William (Woods). They’re all on the run and there’s a bunch of talky “intrigue”, meanwhile no one, including the audience, has a very clear picture of what’s going on.

On the side of the government is a man named Agency Head (Landau). It may seem like a strange name, but maybe he’s related to Murray Head of One Night in Bangkok fame. Or, the writers were too lazy to come up with a name for the most respected actor on the project. Will we ever find out the super-secret ACCESS CODE?

The only people likely to wring any enjoyment out of Access Code are fans of “80’s tech”, as there are plenty of single-color computers and reel-to-reel tape machines, not to mention microwaves with dials. 

Thankfully, and unnecessarily, the computers talk to the people tapping away on them, of course in that typical monotonous robot voice. That was amusing, but maybe it is necessary after all, because there were some misspellings on the screen (we spend a lot of time looking at computer screens in this flick), for instance, we think they were trying to spell  “multi-faceted”. All that aside, Access Code has a slow/weird pace, and seemed destined to be video store shelf-filler from moment one.

Director Mark Sobel also directed Sweet Revenge (1987), and wrote the similarly-themed, but much more coherent and entertaining Terminal Entry (1988). Both ‘Entry and ‘Code were produced by Sandy Cobe, the man behind the legendary Revolt (1986). So there’s a nice 80’s pedigree here, and Sobel was obviously influenced by 1984 (probably the novel, because the movie with John Hurt came out the same year as Access Code - unsurprisingly, 1984), as well as The Conversation (1974), among other paranoid thrillers. 

Unfortunately, his attempt does not thrill. But he tried to marry those ideas with the then-current obsession with access codes and all things computer and nuclear. Sadly, the results are lackluster and mediocre, but he did get a second try with Terminal Entry and he made the best of it.

There are, of course, some noteworthy cliches here, such as a computer expert being called “The Best” by a government guy, and the fact that very important information is on a much sought-after disc (in this case, of the black and floppy variety). Let’s not forget Martin Landau is on board for some reason, and most of his scenes appear on a totally black set that would later appear in The Killing Man (1994), and The Charlie Rose show. 

It’s amazing any dialogue gets said at all, because the people we see on screen commit the un-PC act of smoking many, many cigarettes. But at least we get the priceless line readings of one Bill Woods as William. He was our favorite character. An interesting connection occurs in the casting of Gyl Roland as Kathy, who also was in Black Gunn (1972) with Martin Landau. Michael Ansara makes a notable appearance here as a Senator, mainly because he looks a lot like Edward James Olmos. We called him Senator Olmos.

The whole outing has a TV movie vibe and after it’s all over, you sit there wondering “what happened?” - none of it really sticks with you. Despite the deliveries of William, on the whole we thought Access Code was unimpressive.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

The Super Ninja (1984)

The Super Ninja (1984)- * * *

Directed by: Kuo-Ren Wu

Starring: Alexander Lou, Eugene Thomas, and Yi Tao Chang









John (Lou) and Spencer (Thomas), who may or may not be part of some sort of Blues Explosion, are Kung Fu cops on the beat in “New York”. There’s a mysterious bad guy on the loose named Mr. Tong (Chang) and he commands an army of ninjas known as the Five Element Ninjas. Their history goes back “1000 years!” with each ninja mastering the forces of metal, fire, wood, earth and water. Now we know where those plagiarists at Captain Planet got the idea. 

When drugs are planted in John’s home by a spectacularly evil police captain, John not only has to fight to clear his good name - he has to take on the Five Element Ninjas as well! Will he be able to do it? Find out today!

Having been fans of Alexander Lou since we saw Mafia vs. Ninja (1985), we were happy to see him again (even though MFN came out after The Super Ninja) - especially teamed once more with his co-star Eugene Thomas. The Super Ninja doesn’t disappoint with its Ninja Boom-era insanity and has all the hallmarks fans have come to expect: crazy dubbing (especially for Thomas, it sounds like a White guy doing a racist “Black guy” impression...with hilarious results), gravity and physics-defying ninja action in the forest, and fast and furious Martial Arts, which often get lost in the general aura of silliness.

Because the movie is about Lou going on a revenge mission in a series of events started by the unknown (?) vendetta of his commander, which perhaps is not enough on its own to fill 90 minutes, director Kuo-Ren Wu simply extends scenes to the breaking point: while we usually enjoy the time-honored workout montage, the problem is that the Prerequisite Torture and the quasi-pornographic sex scene with Lou and his girlfriend Nancy (Lung) just go on for an interminably long time. 

That being said, some of the classic items we know and love are here too: the yelling while shooting a machine gun, the sax on the soundtrack, and ninjas that travel quickly underground like Bugs Bunny, and much more. So the crazy quotient, while not quite as high as in Godfrey Ho-land, is still pretty darn high and makes the movie overall pretty entertaining.

One of the best sections of the movie came when it took time out from the plight of Alexander Lou and it introduced the strengths of the Five Element Ninjas in a series of quick profiles. Also it should be noted that ninjas can walk directly up a tree like they’re walking up stairs, and Alexander Lou’s sleeveless half-shirt that says “MAN” on it. As if his manliness was ever in question.

In all, The Super Ninja just reinforces why the Ninja Boom of the 80’s was such a beloved and successful time for ninjas the world over.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Savage Streets (1984)

Savage Streets (1984)- * * * *

Directed by: Danny Steinmann

Starring: Linda Blair, Robert Dryer, Linnea Quigley, Sal Landi, Rebecca Perle, Brian Frishman, and John Vernon













Brenda (Blair) is a tough, streetwise chick who loves nothing more than hanging out on the streets of Hollywood with her group of friends named The Satins (remember when friends used to do that?) - but her one soft spot is for her deaf/mute sister, Heather (Quigley). 

Trouble arises when a group of no-good street toughs called The Scars, who do nothing but annoy and harass everyone, cross paths with The Satins. Led by the sinister Jake (Dryer), he and his boys continually up the ante, until they go WAY too far, and Brenda, who was already on the edge and getting into catfights at school with the cheerleader Cindy (Perle), snaps and begins wearing black fingerless gloves. Suspended from school by Principal Underwood (Vernon), she is free to use her time to get her revenge against The Scars. Will she complete her mission? Find out today!

This movie is so, so great. Imagine if Foxes (1980) was an exploitative revenge movie. The awesomeness of the 80’s is cranked to 11, and the film seemingly makes no apologies for its unabashed, for lack of a better word, raunch. To the delight of viewers, political correctness is light years away, and everything from the dialogue on down has a wickedly entertaining power that is impossible to resist.  

Linda Blair has absolutely never been better - her level of sassiness is off the charts, and her exchanges with just about everybody give her some great lines - but her best on-screen partner is John Vernon, and their scenes together are priceless.

The fashions not just the Satins, but everyone wears are mind-boggling, and the music is perfect, especially the songs by John Farnham. You thought the songs he did for Rad (1986) were great, just check these out. Someone needs to do a CD reissue stat.  Whoever created the signs in the movie truly outdid themselves - “Doctors Hospital” and at the club MX there is a sign on the wall that simply reads “Rock and Roll”. You truly cannot beat that. 

Outside of a record store there are posters for Kiss, Def Leppard and Motley Crue, and it wouldn’t be a high school-set movie without a 42-year old student, this time it’s Cindy’s boyfriend Wes (Frishman). Or at least that’s how it seems.

We really have nothing negative to say about Savage Streets. If you love awesome things and fun times, you will love it. Not to mention 80’s nostalgia. The movie truly shows why revenge movies are among our favorites. It delivers exactly what you want, and then some. If there are any haters out there, don’t listen to them. Savage Streets is an out-and-out winner!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, The Video Vacuum! 

Kill The Ninja (1984)

Kill The Ninja (1984)- * *

Directed by: Woo-sang Park

Starring: Bobby Kim










The plot and execution of Kill the Ninja - despite the promising title - is pretty standard chop-socky stuff. It’s about a group of three buddies, Pong Macao, Sutaro and King Kim, the latter two being Japanese and Korean illegal immigrants, living in Hong Kong. They manage to get a hold of a golden Buddha statute with two million dollars in it. Henceforward they have to face both internal strife as well as  threats from outside their circle of friendship. Much punching and kicking ensue. 

It’s surprising that this was directed by Woo-sang Park, the man behind the all-time classic Miami Connection (1987), as well as L.A. Streetfighters (1985), because this outing doesn’t have the sense of style, wackiness and fun his later projects had. But I guess you have to start somewhere.

Kill the Ninja is, if nothing else, a testament to the power of the Ninja Boom of the 80’s. Video stores were so hungry for ninja-based product, you could release a movie called Kill the Ninja - which has absolutely no ninjas in it - and no one complains. As previously stated, it’s a Hong Kong beat-em-up, with no connection whatsoever to Japanese ninjas. Such was the heat of the Ninja Boom movement. 

It may not have any ninjas (maybe they were speaking metaphorically, where the “ninja” represents the darkness in men’s hearts...hey, we’re not beyond an absurd reach here), but it does have men fighting in leisure suits, and the time-honored disco scene and sax on the soundtrack. Plus it has one of the best “jumping” scenes we’ve seen to date. And we’ve seen a lot of jumping over the years. You’ll know what we’re talking about if you ever see it.

Truly the main reason to see or own this VHS is because it was part of the “Sybil Danning’s Adventure Video” series released by USA video. It’s just so gloriously 80’s and something that could never occur today. Sybil Danning does a little intro and outro before and after the movie. And the fact that she’s presenting a Ninja Boom movie just makes it 80’s on top of 80’s. Who could do such a thing today? And on what format? DVD? Seems unlikely. If only Danning was introducing something a bit better, not to mention easier to see (the movie is exceedingly dark in many places, a pitfall we see all too often).

So to recap, the best parts of the tape are the Sybil Danning bits, as this is before the career of Woo-sang Park really took off. The whole package somewhat works as a curio from our favorite decade, but the movie overall is lackluster and we wouldn’t tell you to go out of your way to find it based solely on its own merits. But 80’s fans may want to pick this up if they can find it cheap.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Missing in Action (1984)

Missing in Action (1984)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Joseph Zito

Starring: Chuck Norris, M. Emmett Walsh, Willie Williams,  and James Hong













Col. James Braddock (Chuck) spent several years in a North Vietnamese POW camp. After escaping, he’s now home, but he’s a troubled man. He’s invited by the American government to go back to Vietnam to investigate/talk about the phenomenon of soldiers still Missing In Action. Tensions flare, thanks to the evil General Trau (Hong). Braddock, being the badass that he is, decides to go off on his own into the jungle (actually with Tuck (Walsh), an old army buddy), and rescue any remaining POW’s himself. While in the midst of their mission, they face an endless stream of baddies trying to stop them. It’ll take all the firepower and skill Braddock has to defeat the enemy and save the missing men. Can he do it?

This is classic Cannon all the way, and they really hit paydirt with this one. Thanks to the high-quality cinematography, the rousing, triumphant score, and the longer running time, Missing In Action has that big-screen feel. While the pace, at least for the first half of the movie, may seem a bit on the slow side to modern viewers, that’s just the way things worked back then. It’s a pre-ADD generation action movie. And we’re all the better for it. It’s ultimately a rewarding experience, and Cannon (as well as moviegoers) obviously thought so too, as this spawned two sequels to date (maybe we haven’t seen the last of Braddock...?). 

Surely this film was at the forefront of the exploding hut/guy falling out of a guard tower/mindless shooting jungle movie back in the golden age of the 80’s. Along with the Rambo series, not to mention countless Direct-To-Video items, these movies capitalized on the craze for patriotic movies with plenty of violence that were so in vogue in the Reagan 80’s. To hammer the point home even more, stock footage of Reagan is actually IN Missing In Action 2. If you even THINK about communism, Braddock, Rambo, or any number of other heroes will mow you down with a machine gun that’s taller than they are. So there. Take that you stupid commies.

As for the cast and crew, Chuck Norris here started to take tentative steps toward his Texas-based clothing style that would manifest itself most fully during the Walker: Texas Ranger years. His hair and beard are at their reddest and most impressive here, and when he wears his sunglasses, you really can’t even see his face. M. Emmet Walsh is always a welcome sight to see, and he plays a similar character in Red Scorpion (1988), which was also directed by Joseph Zito. As good as Walsh is, we also felt the role could have been played by Nick Nolte. 

Lenore Kasdorf of L.A. Bounty (1989) fame is onboard, as well as James Hong, who’s been in pretty much everything. For our purposes here, he was in the same year’s Cannon vehicle, the great Ninja III (1984), and much later was in Talons Of the Eagle (1992). Willie Williams, whose entire movie career seems to have been in Vietnam (or Nam-like) Jungle movies such as Final Mission (1984), Savage Justice (1988), Saigon Commandos (1988) and, not coincidentally,  P.O.W. The Escape (1986), continues his tradition with the movie at hand today.

Also it has been said that none other than Van Damme appears in an uncredited role as “Car Driver”, but we didn’t see him, so we can’t necessarily confirm that that’s actually true. But he’s also credited with stunts, along with Aaron Norris, who would go on to direct the second sequel, Braddock, as well as Dean Ferrandini, who would go on to direct Overkill (1996). The next year after this, Zito would direct the ultimate Chuck movie, Invasion U.S.A. (1985) This is a nice trial run for that masterpiece.

If there was going to be a movie version of the 80’s Nintendo game Jackal, this could be it. It’s a shoot-em-up where the hero must save the hostages. But here the hero is outspoken on the M.I.A. issue and is Chuck Norris. I guess those are the only two differences.

Missing In Action is undoubtedly a classic and is completely worth seeing. In our eyes, however, the series would improve even more in the subsequent two outings, so watch out for those as well.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups by our buddies, DTVC and Ruthless Reviews!

The Eight Diagram Pole Fighter (1984)

The Eight Diagram Pole Fighter (1984)-* * *

Directed by: Chia-Liang Hu

Starring: Gordon Liu, Chia Hui Liu, Sheng Fu, and Ming Ku













 The Yang family are masters at fighting with spears. During the Battle of Jinsha, against the evil Tartars, all the brothers are cruelly massacred except General Yang Wu-lang (Liu), known to his family as “5th Son” and Yang Liu-lang (Fu Sheng), known as “6th son”. When 6th Son returns home, he goes insane after witnessing all the horror and treachery foisted upon him and his family by the evil Pan Mei (Ke Ming Lin). His mother and sisters have to now care for him and deal with his mental illness. 

Meanwhile, General Yang goes on a soul-searching quest. Because Pan Mei was once close with the Yang family, even bestowing upon them the honorific title of “Family of Loyalty”, after he defected to the side of evil, he officially became a traitor. Yang, saying, “I can’t go home, and I can’t avenge my country”, is caught in a limbo of sorts and ends up at a remote monastery for Buddhist Monks.

He wishes very much to become a monk, but he keeps being rebuffed by the Abbot, saying he’s too warlike, too angry, too confused, and most importantly, too concerned with worldly affairs. Nevertheless, noting his ability with spear-fighting, they remove the blade and teach him all over again to fight with just the pole. 

The ultimate test is to “De-fang the wolf”, using wooden wolves for practice. Now sufficiently trained, he must face off against Pan Mei and his Tartar goons - and reunite with/save his sister - in the ultimate final showdown.

Even though we really don’t review them (hopefully that will change in the near future), we love 70’s and 80’s Martial Arts cinema, especially the output of Shaw Brothers. Eight Diagram Pole Fighter stands out as an excellent, highly enjoyable example of the genre: the sets and costumes are artistically and beautifully designed, the choreography and fighting is superb, and there are plenty of cool battles. 

Additionally, fan favorite - nay - HERO - Gordon Liu puts in an emotional, intense performance as General Yang, a troubled man and lost soul - until he finds his purpose in life. This thoughtful performance shows there’s much more to these kinds of movies than just “chop socky”. Plus the plot is accessible to a general Western viewer, without too many cultural idiosyncracies that sometimes make foreign films of this kind hard to understand. Everyone should see this fine film!

Make sure you get the Dragon Dynasty DVD, as there have been inferior quality versions floating around for many years now. This is the definitive way to see this great movie. Because it is so well-shot and even operatic at times, it would be a shame to see one of those horribly pan-and-scanned, dubbed atrocities. 

It’s because of those bootlegs (and even many legitimate releases) that Martial Arts movies of this kind get a bad rap. 8 Diagram Pole Fighter can stand with any kind of foreign film. But the snobby crowd will never think to even recognize that. But it’s easy to see why rappers like Wu-Tang appreciate this kind of movie. They were certainly ahead of the curve, as RZA expresses his appreciation for this movie in his book.

Also thanks to the dynamism of the movie, and Liu’s compelling performance, many people stole from it. Just see American Shaolin (1991). Everything from the plot about the guy who desperately wants to become a monk but faces opposition, to the training sequences, was recycled by this and later films. But it’s done so well here, and is so enjoyable to watch, especially with the unique wooden wolves, it’s best to come to the original source.

For fans of Martial Arts cinema, this is a must-see. For non-fans...well...this is a must-see. Recommended.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Wheels On Meals (1984)

Wheels On Meals (1984)-* * *

Directed by: Sammo Hung

Starring: Jackie Chan, Yuen Biao, Sammo Hung, Lola Forner, and Benny "The Jet" Urquidez












Cousins Thomas (Chan) and David (Biao) own and operate a mobile food truck called “Everybody’s Kitchen” in Barcelona, Spain. It seems they’re always getting into mishaps and misadventures, and their latest one involves Sylvia (Forner), a beautiful woman that both private detective Moby (Hung) and a gang of baddies are looking for. Eventually, Thomas, David and Moby team up to protect Sylvia, while fighting the gang.

It’s impossible not to love Wheels On Meals. The Martial Arts and stunt choreography are superb, there’s plenty of humor that’s actually funny, and it’s all very well-shot, colorful and upbeat. It was an excellent idea to shoot a movie like this in Spain, because it gives the whole thing a different and unusual vibe not seen in too many other Martial Arts movies. The whole idea of Chan, Biao and Hung as the Three Musketeers is very winning, and they would reunite a few years later as the Three Stooges in Dragons Forever (1988), but we prefer Wheels for all-out fun and entertainment.

The movie STARTS with a training sequence, because Thomas and David may run a food truck, but they always have to be prepared to defend it from street punks. But this is one high-tech, futuristic truck. It’s all run by computer, which is very savvy for 1984. Sammo Hung looks pretty stylin’ with his Jheri curl and suit jackets rolled up to the elbows. He resembles Michael Jackson or Lionel Richie, which would make sense for the time this movie was made. It’s great to see the three leads interact, and with the addition of the gorgeous Lola Forner (who would return in Armour of God, 1986), you really can’t lose. From the scene at the disco (we always love seeing those), to the insane asylum (check out the “Clock Man”!), and of course the cool stunts, there are a variety of situations and scenarios for our heroes to get into.

Of course, we can’t forget to mention the awesome final fight between Jackie and Benny The Jet. Benny wears this bowtie and seersucker suit, which we imagine would be tough to fight in, especially the complex moves being done, but it all comes to a rousing climax in a Spanish castle. Benny would also come back in Dragons Forever (1988).

When we would go to the video store, we would always notice two Jackie Chan movies because of their unusual titles: Wheels On Meals and Half a Loaf of Kung Fu (1980). We would always talk about these titles - and thought-provoking names like these probably sucked many video store patrons in and then they later became not just Jackie Chan fans, but Martial Arts cinema fans as well, acting as a sort of gateway drug. Now we strongly recommend you watch the movie on Netflix Streaming if you have it. It’s a nice widescreen print with subtitles (funny how everyone in Spain speaks Cantonese). Surely it’s a vast improvement upon pan-and-scanned, dubbed VHS tapes.

Wheels On Meals is a hugely enjoyable movie experience and a good time will be had by all who see it.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty