Directed by: Robert Mandel
Starring: Tom Berenger, Ernie Hudson, Glenn Plummer, Raymond Cruz, William Forsythe, Marc Anthony, Diane Venora, Richard Brooks, Cliff DeYoung, Willis Sparks, and Luis Guzman
“Don’t cry, sit down and have a shrimp roll” - Shale
Shale (Berenger) is a Vietnam vet and mercenary. He has a
team of mercenary buddies that he does missions with – Rem (Guzman), Wellman
(Brooks), the reliable Joey (Cruz), and the unhinged Hollan (Forsythe). After
having gone through hell and back during numerous wars and dangerous escapades,
nothing can prepare them for the most threatening and perilous mission yet –
high school!
When Shale’s love interest Jane (Venora) is attacked in true
Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding fashion, Shale does the only logical thing – he
goes undercover as her substitute while she’s out convalescing. Unfortunately
for Shale, the school is a chaotic jungle of drugs, gangs, bad language and
tardiness. Principal Claude Rolle (Hudson) seems to be doing his best, but a
gang called the Kings of Destruction rule the school. KOD (not to be confused
with “Youth of the Nation” band POD) is led by Juan Lacas (Anthony), so Shale, now teaming up with not
just his merc buddies but also some teachers and a few of the better students,
try to get to the bottom of all the criminality going on at that particular
Miami high school. Will the baddies succeed, or will they graduate from SHALE
University? Find out today…
The Substitute is a movie that was a popular enough rental
on VHS that it spawned three sequels to date, and in our minds remains tied to
the video store era. It almost feels like cheating for us to re-watch it on DVD
(never mind Blu-Ray), but it’s hard to resist the inexpensive DVD collection
that compiles all four Substitute movies for one low price. It has a junkier,
grainier look than we remembered from those golden days when we chose it from
among the many options at our local video store. It’s also significantly longer
than we remembered – at almost two hours, it’s unnecessarily lengthy. But, then
again, it did play in theaters, and “theater movies” always think they have to
be longer than they need to be. Needless to say, this would never make it to
the theater today.
If you take all the “bad school” movies that have been with
us for such a long time – everything from Blackboard
Jungle (1955), to The Principal
(1987), Class of 1984 (1982), Class of 1999 (1990), Dangerous Minds (1995), Detention (2003),
and, of course Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (1994), not forgetting the
parody of such films, High School High
(1996), and amalgamate them, and add some “Mercenary Humor”, you get The
Substitute. One thing the aforementioned movies don’t have, of course, are Tom
Berenger’s stunning purple shorts. Or Raymond Cruz’s man bun. He was quite
ahead of the current man bun trend. We think that’s what The Substitute will
really be remembered for.
Sure, there’s a lot of silly dialogue, a couple of
brain-numbing action scenes, and your typical 35-year-old teenagers, and that’s
all well and good, but sadly there’s some bathroom humor, mostly typified by
the character of Wolfson (De Young). Just why an overlong movie felt it had the
time to include bathroom-humor scenes remains a frustrating question. That
aside, the library scene is a winner, even though you have to wait almost an
hour to get there. The presence of Marc Anthony as Lacas makes you understand
why J. Lo fell so madly in love with him. One thing you have to give The
Substitute is that the cast is really strong, with plenty of names/faces we all
know and love. Although, not to be mean, Berenger looks a little chunky to be a
mercenary in fighting-fit shape. Maybe that’s why he didn’t return for the
sequels and the great Treat Williams took his place. Or perhaps we should say
substituted for him. Sorry about that, but I guess we have substitutions on the
brain, as this movie teaches us that the practice of substituting solves all of
life’s problems.
Finally, special mention should go out to one Willis Sparks
as the character of John Janus. He was a competing mercenary who even had a
truly awesome “mercenary demo reel”, which was unquestionably a movie
highlight. (It ought to be; Janus informed us that it was created by a guy who
normally does “rock videos”). Janus’s demo reel should have been this movie. Or it at least should
have spun off into a movie of its own. It would have done in the 80’s, but by
this point we were firmly entrenched in the 90’s, so, consequently there was no
John Janus spinoff movie. Too bad.
At this point in our nation’s history, The Substitute has
attained “Video Store Classic” status, so anyone who remembers it from that
time will appreciate it still, but to be honest it’s not without some
significant flaws. In other words, it’s no Substitute 3: Winner Takes All
(1999), that much we can tell you.
Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty
