The Substitute (1996)

The Substitute (1996)- * *1\2

Directed by: Robert Mandel

Starring: Tom Berenger, Ernie Hudson, Glenn Plummer, Raymond Cruz, William Forsythe, Marc Anthony, Diane Venora, Richard Brooks, Cliff DeYoung, Willis Sparks, and Luis Guzman

“Don’t cry, sit down and have a shrimp roll” - Shale

Shale (Berenger) is a Vietnam vet and mercenary. He has a team of mercenary buddies that he does missions with – Rem (Guzman), Wellman (Brooks), the reliable Joey (Cruz), and the unhinged Hollan (Forsythe). After having gone through hell and back during numerous wars and dangerous escapades, nothing can prepare them for the most threatening and perilous mission yet – high school!

When Shale’s love interest Jane (Venora) is attacked in true Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding fashion, Shale does the only logical thing – he goes undercover as her substitute while she’s out convalescing. Unfortunately for Shale, the school is a chaotic jungle of drugs, gangs, bad language and tardiness. Principal Claude Rolle (Hudson) seems to be doing his best, but a gang called the Kings of Destruction rule the school. KOD (not to be confused with “Youth of the Nation” band POD) is led by Juan Lacas  (Anthony), so Shale, now teaming up with not just his merc buddies but also some teachers and a few of the better students, try to get to the bottom of all the criminality going on at that particular Miami high school. Will the baddies succeed, or will they graduate from SHALE University? Find out today…

The Substitute is a movie that was a popular enough rental on VHS that it spawned three sequels to date, and in our minds remains tied to the video store era. It almost feels like cheating for us to re-watch it on DVD (never mind Blu-Ray), but it’s hard to resist the inexpensive DVD collection that compiles all four Substitute movies for one low price. It has a junkier, grainier look than we remembered from those golden days when we chose it from among the many options at our local video store. It’s also significantly longer than we remembered – at almost two hours, it’s unnecessarily lengthy. But, then again, it did play in theaters, and “theater movies” always think they have to be longer than they need to be. Needless to say, this would never make it to the theater today.

If you take all the “bad school” movies that have been with us for such a long time – everything from Blackboard Jungle (1955), to The Principal (1987), Class of 1984 (1982), Class of 1999 (1990), Dangerous Minds (1995), Detention (2003), and, of course Class of 1999 II: The Substitute (1994), not forgetting the parody of such films, High School High (1996), and amalgamate them, and add some “Mercenary Humor”, you get The Substitute. One thing the aforementioned movies don’t have, of course, are Tom Berenger’s stunning purple shorts. Or Raymond Cruz’s man bun. He was quite ahead of the current man bun trend. We think that’s what The Substitute will really be remembered for.

Sure, there’s a lot of silly dialogue, a couple of brain-numbing action scenes, and your typical 35-year-old teenagers, and that’s all well and good, but sadly there’s some bathroom humor, mostly typified by the character of Wolfson (De Young). Just why an overlong movie felt it had the time to include bathroom-humor scenes remains a frustrating question. That aside, the library scene is a winner, even though you have to wait almost an hour to get there. The presence of Marc Anthony as Lacas makes you understand why J. Lo fell so madly in love with him. One thing you have to give The Substitute is that the cast is really strong, with plenty of names/faces we all know and love. Although, not to be mean, Berenger looks a little chunky to be a mercenary in fighting-fit shape. Maybe that’s why he didn’t return for the sequels and the great Treat Williams took his place. Or perhaps we should say substituted for him. Sorry about that, but I guess we have substitutions on the brain, as this movie teaches us that the practice of substituting solves all of life’s problems.

Finally, special mention should go out to one Willis Sparks as the character of John Janus. He was a competing mercenary who even had a truly awesome “mercenary demo reel”, which was unquestionably a movie highlight. (It ought to be; Janus informed us that it was created by a guy who normally does “rock videos”). Janus’s demo reel should have been this movie. Or it at least should have spun off into a movie of its own. It would have done in the 80’s, but by this point we were firmly entrenched in the 90’s, so, consequently there was no John Janus spinoff movie. Too bad.

At this point in our nation’s history, The Substitute has attained “Video Store Classic” status, so anyone who remembers it from that time will appreciate it still, but to be honest it’s not without some significant flaws. In other words, it’s no Substitute 3: Winner Takes All (1999), that much we can tell you.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Nails (1992)

Nails (1992)- * * *1\2

Directed by: John Flynn

Starring: Dennis Hopper, Earl Billings, Anne Archer, Cliff DeYoung, Keith David, Tomas Milian, and John Hawkes










Harry “Nails” Niles (Hopper) is an LAPD homicide cop - and perhaps the ultimate Cop On the Edge! While his clueless co-workers call him a “dinosaur”, Nails’ old-school ways get results, and you don’t want to get on his bad side. But that’s just what happens when a gang of Cuban drug dealers kills Nails’ beloved Black Partner, Willis (Billings). Nails goes after them with a vengeance, turning L.A. upside down in the process. Not just to avenge Willis, but to settle some of his unfinished business as well. Willis, before his untimely death, was “working on something big” - and it just may be a criminal conspiracy that goes all the way to the top! 

Now back with his old partner, Herrera (Milian), Nails, in his own inimitable fashion, tries to find out how Congressman Stambusky (De Young) and his cohort Noah Owens (David) are involved. And all this while he tries to reconnect with old flame Mary (Archer). Will the bad guys get NAILED once and for all?

Nails is a killer Cop On The Edge movie, and getting Dennis Hopper to play him was an inspired choice. This movie truly is Hopper at his absolute best - his energy, charisma and likability carry the film. He’s angry and drinking from the get-go, just as it should be. Just why this L.A. cop has a Southern accent is never explained (or ever mentioned) but it’s all part of the fun. 

But it’s not all violence and darkness, there’s some nice humor as well and Hopper gives the Nails character charm, in his own unique way. It’s almost weird James Ellroy wasn’t involved with this project, it’s almost like Dark Blue (2002) or Street Kings (2008) in its approach, before those movies came on the scene.

You really have to enjoy cop drama/thrillers (and preferably have seen a lot of them) to properly appreciate Nails. It has just about every cliche you can name - and as we always say, that’s not a bad thing and we need these cliches for our entertainment purposes. 

The Black partner who’s close to retirement, the drug deal gone wrong, the abandoned warehouse, the WYC (White Yelling Chief), the WYC who demands our rogue cop hand in his badge and gun, the echoey guitar riffs on the soundtrack during chases/tense scenes, and of course the Cop On The Edge itself, and so much more. Those of you out there that enjoy these things, like we do, will have a feast here. 

The movie gets further bonus points for being about dyspeptic middle-aged people, not stupid, flashy kids, there’s a lot of un-PC dialogue, there’s no stupid little kid to ruin things, and, the original foodie, Herrera is always seen eating. Usually a burrito. If you don’t like it, take it up with Harry Niles.

We should take a moment here to recognize the unheralded genius of director John Flynn. It’s an absolute tragedy that he’s not a household name, yet plagiarists like Tarantino are. Besides directing the early Seagal in Out For Justice (1991), he also did Lock Up (1989) with Sly, the underrated James Woods vehicle Best Seller (1987), and the Jan Michael Vincent movie Defiance (1980). But the Coup De Grace is that he directed one of the best movies ever, Rolling Thunder (1977). If he directed nothing else but that in his career, he would be a legend in our eyes. But his career making tough, interesting fare speaks for itself. 

Back to the cast, Milian is likable as Herrera, Archer does well in a somewhat thankless role, Keith David fits the bill perfectly as Owens, and Cliff De Young, interestingly enough, plays a guy named Stambusky, which, though different, today has connotations of a certain child molester that are hard to ignore.

Featuring an end credits song by Eddie Money, Nails might be THE classic example of the Cop On The Edge movie. We say see it soon.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

To Die Standing (1991)

To Die Standing (1991)- *1\2

Directed by: Louis Morneau

Starring: Cliff De Young, Robert Beltran, Jamie Rose, and Orlando Sacha












Broderick (De Young) is a DEA agent who plays by his own rules. His latest assignment takes him to Lima, Peru where he is tasked with bringing down Castillo (Sacha), the biggest drug lord in the area. To do this, he reluctantly teams up with local cop Delgado (Beltran), and the personalities of the two men don’t exactly match. 

Broderick has a glib, streetwise sense of humor and Delgado is very straitlaced. This original odd couple do indeed work together to bring Castillo to justice, but it’s not going to be easy. Helping them is government agent Constance Bigelow (Rose), but where do her true allegiances lie? Will Broderick and Delgado be able to make the streets of Peru safe from cocaine once and for all?

While it was nice to see Cliff De Young as the main star of a supposed action movie, we felt To Die Standing was a disappointment. De Young is good in it, and his bolo tie is stylish, but that’s just not enough. It feels like we’ve seen this type of thing before (and not in a good way). Mix Diplomatic Immunity (1991) and Prime Target (1991), and you get To Die Standing, also released in 1991. ‘91 must have been a banner year for action movies that needed more action. 

But that’s the problem: the whole thing is a bit too goofy for its own good, and any time it starts to get close to being tough or gritty, it backs away. And thanks to a lack of a big, scary, menacing villain (not to mention a lame ending and some early “fast motion”), To Die Standing, despite its cool title and box art, is a letdown.

Granted, the movie was from a more innocent time - a time when you could bring a gun on an airplane and have it out in an airport, and you not only WEREN’T a terrorist, but  you were one of the good guys! Despite the fact that the movie was released by a major studio on VHS (Columbia), its reach doesn’t appear to be that long, as it remains obscure and very few people have seen it. Maybe it’s all for the best, but people should be able to make up their own minds. But it was produced by New World, and the project suffers from Roger Corman’s middle-of-the-road sensibilities.

This was director Morneau’s first directorial effort, and he continued to make more DTV movies after this, such as Soldier Boyz (1995).

Sadly, To Die Standing doesn’t have “it” and with all the competition in video stores at the time, it just kind of faded into the background.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Fear (1988)

Fear (1988)-*

Directed by: Robert A. Ferretti

Starring: Cliff De Young, Kay Lenz, Zoe Trilling, Charles Meshack, Scott Schwartz, Robert Factor, and Frank Stallone



"Frank Stallone is Unchained"










The Haden family consists of father Don (De Young), mother Sharon (Lenz), son Brian (Schwartz) and daughter Jennifer (Trilling). They are an "average" suburban upper-middle-class clan with the normal preoccupations and concerns of a modern family of the 80's. Don and Sharon's marriage is on the rocks primarily because she wants to take a job in San Diego so they are constantly bickering, Jennifer is your standard spoiled, self-involved teenager and Brian is the pre-teen eager to get in his dad's good graces. They decide the best way to sort out all their problems is to go to "Uncle Billy's Cabin" in an RV. So they rent the motorhome and head out on a family road trip into the countryside.

Meanwhile, some dangerous convicts are on the loose. They escaped a prison-transfer bus and are armed, dangerous, and looking for a family like the Hadens to provide them with...something. We don't really know. But Armitage (Stallone) is the the pugilistic neo-Nazi, Cyril is the "token African-American", Mitch (Michael Watson) is the confused "new meat" and Jack (Factor) is the Vietnam vet who is mentally disturbed and still believes he is fighting the war, and they take the family hostage. The twist is that the father, Don, is also a 'Nam vet (an ex-Green Beret), and will, eventually, after a lot of stupidity, attempt to save his family from the mixed bag of baddies. Can he do it?

The film starts out with some Vietnam flashbacks, and leads into a bleak, gritty prison setting, so you think there's a chance this might be better than average. Once Fear kicks into being a standard hostage drama that adds nothing whatsoever to that sub-genre, you quickly realize that this is by-the-numbers, predictable fare. Some quality actors try to save it, but it's hopeless. It's just not exciting or entertaining.

The best part of the movie is Scott Schwartz' Kidco (1984) shirt. Fear occupies a unique place in Schwartz' filmography. It's after Kidco, The Toy (1982) and A Christmas Story (1983) but before he started doing porn. We wish we had a Kidco shirt. Cult actress Zoe Trilling also has an interesting shirt. Isn't this review so in depth? She wears a shirt for, seemingly, a band called The Suburbs, but it screams "The costume designer saw this and it's really appropriate/ironic for this setting so now you'll wear it".

Other aspects of Fear worth noting are the visit to "Link Reilly's Country Feed Bin". Just you watch out for that Abraham Lincoln Reilly (Bart Burns). He's yet another Vietnam vet. Also there seem to be two versions of Fear - one with all the swearing intact, and another one with the "dirty words" redubbed in a weird, yet hilarious fashion. I've seen the Virgin Vision VHS, as well as the version now playing on Comcast On Demand, and the On Demand version is redubbed with bizarre, "who are they trying to fool?" ADR, perhaps best exemplified when Frank Stallone aka Armitage shouts angrily, and I quote, "Fight You!" Why they did this is unclear, because other content in the film pretty much ensures this isn't going to be played on TBS anytime soon. It remains an R no matter what. So....why?

This might also explain why, in the only recorded instance in history outside of Gary Busey in Bulletproof (1988), does one character actually say the word "Butthorn"! We rewound the movie to make sure. He says it. This adds fuel to what we said in the Bulletproof review, that "Butthorn" was an insult that really should have caught on, and an effort was made to put it in the popular consciousness, but somehow it just never took off. Despite the best efforts of Frank Stallone and Gary Busey. If that team can't make something work, I don't know what to believe in anymore.

So after a lot of yelling, shooting, and unnecessarily terrorizing a family, I suppose the viewer was meant to come away with the clash of values between the family and the convicts. They're from two totally different worlds, and they clashed. The innocent family ran headlong into the totally new, different, violent world of the criminals. Then the family is supposed to realize that their life isn't so bad after all. But the viewer just doesn't care that much to get that invested.

It may sound harsh, but Fear is really just VHS shelf-filler for the video stores of the 80's and 90's. It needed some kind of spark to make it stand out from the crowd, but sadly, that never happened. And Frank Stallone doesn't even sing.

Comeuppance Review by Brett and Ty