Pentathlon (1994)

Pentathlon (1994)-* *1\2

Directed by: Bruce Malmuth

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, David Soul, Renee Coleman, and Roger E. Mosley







"Play to win. If you lose, you die."






Dolph Lundgren just may be the greatest living human. He can sing, dance, act, produce, direct, do martial arts, all while doing a rockin' drum solo.  He excels in every sport he tries, and according to his bio, he received a Master's degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney in Australia and was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship to MIT. So he's light years away from his legions of meathead imitators.

Keeping his Superman status in mind, here, in Pentathlon, Lundgren portrays Eric Brogar, a Pentathlete (yes, it's a real word), who is trained in East Germany pre-Berlin Wall falling to compete in the Olympics by tyrannical jerkbag Heinrich Muller (Soul). Muller wants to use him as an example of East Germany's greatness, but Brogar is actually a sensitive soul who wants more out of life. He loves America, so he risks it all to come to the USA, using the American Olympic team to help him. He thinks he escapes Muller's iron fist forever.

Now in L.A., Brogar has hit the skids. He drinks, smokes, eats greasy food and lives in a dive. He even works in a greasy spoon. His boss John Creese (Mosley) is a kind, charismatic man that tries to get to know Brogar. When he discovers Brogar used to be a Pentathlete, he takes it upon himself to train him and get him back into shape for the Atlanta Olympics. Meanwhile, Brogar romances fellow Olympian Julia (Coleman). Things are starting to look up for Brogar, but then Muller, who now is the head of a neo-Nazi organization, tracks him down. Brogar must fight to protect what he now has, his bright future, from the shadows of his dark past. Can he use his Pentathlon skills to fight in real life?

A Pentathlon is an Olympic event that consists of Shooting, Fencing, Swimming, Horse Riding and Cross-Country Running. Surprisingly, it took until 1994 for someone to make an entire movie around this concept. The natural choice for star was Ubermensch Dolph Lundgren. He's pitch-perfect as Brogar. It's impossible to imagine anyone else playing this role. But really, Pentathlon is a weird movie. It's pretty offbeat for a Lundgren/action film. It's sort of a sporting movie, with the pain of the Berlin wall experience thrown in, and some Nazis, and some romance, and some training, and Dolph fighting the baddies. It's certainly different. But in this case, different is good. We liked Pentathlon. It's not a cookie-cutter action flick. It strives for more, much like its hero Eric Brogar.

We thought fencing movies started and ended with Ring of Steel (1994). But we were mistaken. Robert Chapin's got nothing on Eric Brogar. David Soul is also great as the Nazi Muller. He really throws himself into the role and you hate him. He wants to crash the "Never Again" rally condemning Nazis and terrorists. Naturally the featured singer is some hippie singing "Peoplllleee are the saaammeee...." There is an inexplicable, hilarious scene in the greasy spoon featuring one of Muller's goons towards the end of the film. You'll know it when you see it - we don't want to give it away, but trust us, you'll be laughing. Hint: it involves a boombox.

Pentathlon is surprisingly different for a Dolph vehicle. Check it out soon.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Digital Man (1995)

Digital Man (1995)-*1\2

Directed by: Phillip J. Roth

Starring: Matthias Hues, Ken Olandt, Adam Baldwin, Chase Masterson, Kristin Dalton, Paul Gleason, Ed Lauter, Susan Tyrrell,  Don Swayze, and a Special Appearance by: Clint Howard












In the future, if there is a situation too dangerous for human soldiers to go into, there is such a thing as the "D-1 Weapons System", or "Digital Man" (Hues). Such a situation arises when terrorists steal the launch codes for some nukes and demand 2 billion dollars in gold. Digital Man spoils their plans, but he uploads the launch codes on to his system. He then ends up in Badwater, Nevada, a small, dusty hamlet in the desert. When it is found out he has the nuclear launch codes, a special, crack team led by Anders (Olandt) is sent to Badwater to "take him off-line". Also there's some sort of stupid intrigue involving Adam Baldwin and Ed Lauter that is impossible to care about. So it's a scenario with a multi-racial team trying to stop Digital Man, Digital Man eluding them, and rednecks and trailer park dwellers such as Billy (the Swayze of the Don variety) interacting with all the high-tech goings-on.

Maybe it's just us, but we hate these low-budget sci-fi future movies. The dialogue consists of nothing but gobbledygook which is completely unrelatable to any audience. Thus they mentally "check out", lose interest and stop caring about the proceedings. Digital Man in particular is guilty of this, with very few, if any, likable characters. The most likable of the bunch is probably the emotionless supersoldier Digital Man. It's a perfect role for Hues. 

In 1995, CD-ROMs were huge, and this movie feels like one long, painful CD-ROM, with all the graphics and silly "morphing" effects that would entail. I've played flight simulators that are more thrilling than Digital Man. Flight Simulators.

Just imagine a mish-mash of Virtuosity (1995), The Terminator (1984), Neon City (1991), Robocop (1987), American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993), Hologram Man (1995), Circuitry Man (1990) and even the Sega Genesis game Vectorman.  The idea of the "sci-fi western" has been tried with everything from Westworld (1973) to Oblivion (1994). While the novelty of Don Swayze in a Chad McQueen-style sleeveless shirt angrily spouting lines like "You can't tell me what to do, robot!" in utter seriousness to such people as Matthias Hues is worth noting, Digital Man is just so dumb and tedious it wears off quickly.

For example, the weaponry the cast uses look like spray-painted leaf blowers, and robots die like the Itchy and Scratchy robots in that episode of The Simpsons.  The "crack team" does hone their craft, whatever that's supposed to be, by fighting "Virtual Ninjas" (you gotta figure the word "virtual" is going to show up sometime). The idea of a virtual ninja is cool and is probably strong enough to support its own movie. Maybe there will be a spin-off (please God not a sequel).

So while the movie does have a professional look thanks to the cinematography, and there are a lot of explosions, the only real reason to watch this is for Matthias Hues. Which is the only reason we watched it. So that works out. The climax does feature some Hues hand to hand combat, which is nice, because Hues walking around a trailer park with a leaf blower for 90 minutes sounds more entertaining than it actually is.

In the end, Digital Man seems like something you'd happen to catch on HBO or Cinemax in the middle of the afternoon sometime in the 90's. Sadly though, the strong B-movie cast cannot save the dire stupidity within.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty