Wanted Man (2024)

 

Wanted Man (2024)- * * *

Directed by: Dolph Lundgren 

Starring: Dolph Lundgen, Michael Pare, Christina Villa, Aaron McPherson, and Kelsey Grammer

There was a drug deal gone wrong. Unfortunately, it didn't go right this time. Or any other time. During said DDGW, some undercover DEA agents got shot and killed by some mysterious masked assailants. It turns out that two hookers, but especially one named Rosa (Villa) witnessed the murders. It falls to a grizzled old salt cop named Travis Johansen (Dolph) to go to Mexico and safely retrieve Rosa, so she can come to the U.S. and testify. It seems he was chosen for this job because Johansen said some politically-incorrect things and the media is roasting him. So, to take the heat off, and to not seem as much like a supposed "racist", Johansen goes south of the border for his task.


However, as you might expect, things go sideways, shootouts and danger ensues, and Johansen and Rosa - who start out like the original odd couple - must learn to work together and get along. Johansen has some other officers or former officers as associates, Brynner (Grammer), Tinelli (Pare), and Hilts (McPherson). He also has to hide out with Rosa's family for a while. But who can he trust? What will Johansen learn? And why is he a WANTED MAN?


The talent and legacy of Dolph seemingly knows no limits, and Wanted Man is his eighth directorial effort, which he co-wrote with Michael Worth of Fists of Iron (1995) fame. Dolph and company were smart in the execution here. As he was about 70 years old at the time of filming, naturally he leans into the older, "dinosaur cop" idea. There's even a line of dialogue where someone tells him, "87% of your colleagues have retired!" But the Johansen character is old school, a workhorse, a real man in an age of memes. That's where a lot of the pleasure of Wanted Man can be found.

There's a scene with three legends sitting around at a strip club - Dolph, Kelsey, and Michael Pare. This should be enough right there to check out this film which is 82 minutes before the end credits. Tinelli, Pare's character, says something like, "Why are you guys always hanging around in strip clubs? They're so 80's", to which Johansen replies, "I like the 80's!" From this, and perhaps certain other things that are said in this scene (heh heh), we felt we were on home turf and the rest of the film glided forward as easily as a child's sled on ice.


There are certain parallels to The Last Marshal and Gran Torino. If you enjoyed those, you could perhaps see this as Dolph's version. Like many films that are made these days, the scale is smaller but the professionalism is there. It may not have a gigantic Hollywood budget, but it doesn't need one. The plot is simple but effective. Not every movie that comes out needs to be a Christopher Nolan-style Rubik's Cube. There are some shooting scenes which satisfies the action quotient, but all in all it's pretty low-key. It's an alternative to the slam-bang John Wick style of action.


There are some of the classic cliches on display that we all know and love. I don't want to give most of them away, but here's some advice: never talk about the future. If you're a character in a movie who is moonbeaming on about the wonderful life you're going to have soon, uh oh. Don't do that unless you plan to wear a bulletproof helmet.


Other Dolph connections: he is usually some type of "man". Wanted Man, Missionary Man (which he also directed), The Best Man, he was in Men of War, and this may be a stretch, but he was also in Aquaman and its sequel. He also continues his tradition of shooting people in the face: It happens here, in Missionary Man, The Russian Specialist, and probably others. So, clearly, Dolph's still got it - he always had "It" - and Wanted Man is merely a humble reminder of that fact.


Wanted Man is recommended for Dolph fans (who isn't one?) and many people have said it's one of his best for a while. It's noticeably better than a lot of the DTV slop that's out there these days. And Kelsey Grammer with a gun, capering around in a series of loud Hawaiian shirts only sweetens the deal.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!

Acceleration (2019)

 

Acceleration (2019)- * * *

Directed by: Daniel Zirilli and Michael Merino

Starring: Natalie Burn, Dolph Lundgren, Sean Patrick Flannery, Chuck Liddell, Quinton "Rampage Jackson, Sally Kirkland, and Danny Trejo






Vladik (Dolph) is a Los Angeles-based criminal mastermind. He has kidnapped a young tot named Mika (Mashukov) because he wants his mother Rhona (Burn) to run down a laundry list of his criminal enemies and either kill them, get something from them, beat them up, or some other task - all this in one grueling night for Rhona. With her beloved son's life hanging in the balance, Rhona will have to summon all her grit and tenacity as she faces a colorful cast of criminal characters such as mob boss Kane (Flanery), his top goon Hannibal (Liddell), Eli (Jackson), Santos (Trejo), among many others. There's also Richie (London), and sympathetic waitress Betty (Kirkland) - but will Rhona survive the night of her nightmares? More importantly, will Mika? And might there be one final twist in this tale?




We know what you're thinking. You're surprised Vinnie Jones and Bai Ling were not in the cast along with everyone else. Well, we were too, but Acceleration is pretty colorful without them - not just the varied cast of characters but the cinematography as well. There are lots of pinks, purples, greens, and neon hues. All this keeps Acceleration from feeling flat like a lot of its DTV brethren. So we've got to give it credit for that.




The simple, streamlined plot allows for the introduction of new characters one after another, and you don't know what you're going to get. Will it be a fight scene, a shootout, or simply a bit of brief dialogue? You don't actually know, which adds an edge of unpredictability to the proceedings. Natalie Burn puts in a good, tough performance that's easy to like. Comparisons to Gina Carano are perhaps unfair but it's hard for your mind not to go there at times. She's credited as a producer, and with casting, on the film and it's a nice showcase for her talent.




Sean Patrick Flanery plays the seemingly Tommy DeVito-influenced gangster with plenty of verve. If Flanery wasn't available, Tom Sizemore easily could have stepped in. Trejo, Rampage, London, and Kirkland all have cameos. Maybe in the case of Kirkland it's a glorified cameo. But Acceleration centers on Burn, with a secondary emphasis on Dolph, with a lot of Flanery in between. As far as Liddell, at least his voice isn't high-pitched, like certain other people we could name. The kid Mashukov holds his own with Dolph and it's pretty cute to watch. Mika could be the new Bin Bin.




Acceleration gives us some classic action movie cliches, such as characters searching for both a ledger and a disc, someone says "We got company!", and in the Trejo scene, there is dialogue to the effect of "We go way back, you and me". The puzzling thing about Acceleration is, after a stylish opening, and an adherence to maintaining that style throughout, plus an obvious dedication to the action genre, the filmmakers also decided on cringey CGI muzzle flashes for all the gun-shootin' scenes, which looks terrible and comes off looking stupid and lazy. Perhaps it's a minor quibble, but it comes into conflict with the style that the filmmakers have shown a tendency towards.




It was co-directed by the late Daniel Zirilli - who will forever be known as the man who made Phoenix (2023) - and Michael Merino, who also wrote the film. Why this is a co-direct we're not exactly sure, as both men seem quite capable on their own. But Acceleration is kind of a "By the Fans, For the Fans" type of DTV action movie and is more than simply "John Chick", as certain wags out there have labeled it. It's better than a lot of its competitors and, except for those muzzle flashes, appears to be trying to rise above its station, which we very much appreciated.




All wrapping up at a brisk 80 minutes before the credits roll, Acceleration is a solid and entertaining entry into the modern day DTV canon.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum!

Female Fight Squad (2016)

 Female Fight Squad (2016)- * * *

AKA: Female Fight Club

Directed by: Miguel Angel Ferrer 

Starring: Amy Johnston, Dolph Lundgren, Sean Faris, Levy Tran, Courtney Palm, Rey Goyos, Folake Olowofoyeku, Jeanette Samano, and Chuck Zito

Rebecca "Bex" Holt (Johnston) just wants to leave her former life as an underground Punchfighter behind. She now works at Waggin' Tails animal pound and dreams of moving to another animal sanctuary in Africa. However, when she's approached by her wayward sister Kate (Palm), and she tells Bex that she owes evil Punchfighting promoter Landon Jones (Goyos) $125,000, Bex is forced into a tough spot. Moving from L.A. to Vegas to help Kate, she ends up training not just her, but her fellow female fighters Winter (Olowofoyeku), Lisa AKA Spring Roll (Tran), and Gaby (Samano). Meanwhile, Bex reconnects with figures from her former life, such as old flame Potter (Faris) and trainer Zeke (Zito). But on top of everything else, she must iron out the issues with her wrongfully-imprisoned father (Dolph). Can Bex train and punch her way out of all her personal issues and demons? Or will another approach be required? Find out today...


In the pantheon of like-minded films such as Fight Valley (2016) and Chokehold (2019), Female Fight Squad is perhaps best of the three. It's even on par with fellow Johnston outing Lady Bloodfight (2016). It's certainly a heck of a lot better than Brawler (2011). If you like any or all of the above titles, you'll most likely warm to FFS. The look of the film is professional-low budget, so it's no strain on the eyes. Johnston is well-cast for a number of reasons: her fighting moves are top notch, her acting is improving, and she legitimately looks like she could be Dolph's daughter.

There are some classic and much-loved cliches on display here: not only does Bex not want to fight but eventually does, so do the FFS not want to listen to her sage and masterly advice. They initially mock and ridicule her for some reason, but, of course, they come around to her way of thinking. It's all very reminiscent of Cynthia Rothrock in American Tigers (1996). The Punchfighting goes on in the back of an import/export warehouse, and the FFS are all a ragtag, multi-ethnic Benetton rainbow. Bex's boyfriend is played by noted Himbo Sean Faris. His status as a Himbo, first noticed in The King of Fighters (2010), remains unchanged here.


But going back to actors who have markedly improved, we have one of Chuck Zito's best roles we've seen to date. He practically steals the movie, just like he did with Redline (1995). But for slightly different reasons. Now, on to the Dolphiness of this outing. He's not in it all that much, but, to be fair, he's not the main character. Perhaps they shot this around the time of Riot (2015), because he was stuck in jail in that one too. He gets a nice fight scene and a handful of decent moments. To be even more fair to the Dolphster, even the gals of the FFS aren't in the movie as much as you'd think - and it's called Female Fight Squad! The focus, naturally enough, is on the Bex character and her struggles.


It all comes to a head as Bex has to fight her way to Landon Jones, and then there's the inevitable final showdown with him. It's here that the movie really shines and there should have been more of that sort of thing. That being said, it's all done in a slicker way than you might expect and the drama is not bad, if it is a bit standard. It would have been a cool addition if Jones had an evil underling (or two or three) that Bex had to fight her way through in order to get to the big boss. But, still and all, Female Fight Squad is solid and entertaining.


In the end, fans of Punchfighting, Dolph, and Amy Johnston will get the most out of this, and they - and others with adjacent interests - are encouraged to check it out.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!

One In The Chamber (2012)

One In The Chamber (2012)- * *

Directed by: William Kaufman 

Starring: Cuba Gooding Jr., Dolph Lundgren, Claudia Bassols, Louis Mandylor, and Billy Murray

Ray Carver (Gooding Jr.) is an American living in Prague. He is known as "The Fixer" because he solves problems between rival gangs in the criminal underworld, usually by shooting lots of their members with a high-powered rifle. A relationship begins to develop between Ray and fellow American abroad Janice Knowles (Bassols), even though it appears as if he's stalking her. But could he have a valid reason for doing so? 

Meanwhile, some of those dastardly baddie gang members have decided to bring in the big guns - literally - when they hire a rival "Fixer" nicknamed The Wolf, a Russian named Aleksey Andreev (Dolph). Now with not just rival gangs, but rival Fixers at odds, Prague (well, actually Romania for the most part) is going to become a battleground. Will the chances for victory come down to one simple thing...having ONE IN THE CHAMBER?

Remember how in Puncture Wounds (2014), when Dolph teamed up with Cung Le, we noted how much Cung Le looked like Cuba Gooding Jr.? Now, ironically, Dolph actually does team up with Cuba Gooding Jr. for One in the Chamber, a rather uninspiring run-through of stuff we've all seen before.

It's yet another bout of Russian gangsters, and we're frankly getting tired of them. While Dolph is by far the best part of OITC (which sounds like something Jerry Lewis might say, i.e., OITC! Nice Lay-dee!!) even he must be getting tired of playing Russian characters, as he did in The Killing Machine (2010) and, of course, The Russian Specialist (2005), which is arguably his best "Russian" role. 

He's charming this time around (as he usually is), and he wears a lot of party-guy shirts and has a cool hat. He brings life to whatever scenes he's in, and that's desperately needed here. There are a couple of fights with Cuba Gooding, which was sort of a novelty to see, but does anyone really believe Cuba could win a fight with Dolph?

That aside, with Cuba Gooding not appearing in any movies of late because of his legal woes, maybe it's finally time now that Omar Gooding could step out of the shadows and into the breach left by Cuba. Idea for a potential tagline: "He's not a wild and crazy kid...anymore." Perhaps he could star with Donnie (now Don) Jeffcoat and they could be cops that go around busting heads. If any production companies out there like the idea, give us a call. We're available to write the script.

Anyway, we get some dudes yelling while shooting their guns, and holding their guns sideways "gangsta" style. On the other hand, when Cuba is shooting his rifle out the window, we get some unnecessary, video-game-esque "bullet time" effects. Not only did Sniper (1993) do it better, Dolph himself was better at shooting a rifle out a window in Silent Trigger (1996). That whole scene just served to remind us all we're in low-budget-DTV-shot-in-Romania land here. It did the movie no favors.

But here's the bottom line about OITC: There's no emotion here at all. It's very hard to care about the characters, because it's all very one-dimensional. We really wanted to care about Cuba and Dolph and all, but the movie made it hard to do that because there was nothing to chew on story-wise. Russian gangsters shooting each other is all well and good, but with no backstory or emotion underpinning it all, it starts to get dour and repetitive after a while. That's why Dolph's character is so important to the film. Without him, we'd be in serious trouble here.

You may have noticed that an actor named Billy Murray is in the film as well. Just to clear up any confusion, this is a different man than Bill Murray. No, Bill Murray didn't slightly change his name so he could appear in a DTV action film with Dolph Lundgren. Though that would have been awesome, and, somehow in character with Bill Murray's personality. But we did want to sort that out. Murray probably gives the second-best performance in the film. 

Additionally, we believe there's a Mandylor lurking around in there somewhere as well. Maybe, as we did, you can play "spot the Mandylor".


Despite the impressive presence of the great and mighty Dolph, One in the Chamber overall is, sadly, typical of the modern-day DTV scene and doesn't have a lot going for it other than him. We hate to say it, but that one in the chamber does not fire on all cylinders.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Riot (2015)

Riot (2015)- * *1\2

Directed by: John Lyde

Starring: Matthew Reese, Chuck Liddell, Danielle C. Ryan and Dolph Lundgren













Jack Stone (Reese) – not to be confused with Hack Stone – was a Cop On The Edge, but now he’s a cop in prison. He put himself there so he could get revenge. Super-evil baddie Balam (Liddell) runs the prison with an iron fist from his own plush, private area. 

Many inmates are his underlings that do his bidding, so when Jack Stone first arrives on the inside, he’s going to have to fight his way all the way to the top – to Balam, the Russian Gangster who ruined his life by committing some vile acts. However, it’s not all hopeless; Jack Stone finds some friends along the way, most notably William (Dolph), the kindly janitor. But what is William’s secret? Also Alena Childs (Ryan) is on the case along with the good guys. Our three heroes have to fight not just Balam and his goons, but they also have to fight city hall. Corrupt politicians and wardens are on both the take and the make. Naturally it all ends in a classic prison RIOT…

Riot – not to be confused with the classic Gary Daniels Riot – is a decent enough example of a latter-day DTV prison action outing. It’s very clearly influenced by Death Warrant (1990) and Bloodfist 3 (1992), among other examples you could possibly name. As for our main hero, Matthew Reese, he’s in the grand tradition of Joe Flanagan and Dean Ambrose.

One of the better aspects of Riot is, unsurprisingly, Dolph Lundgren. Perhaps sensing that Matthew Reese couldn't carry the entire film on his shoulders, producers brought in the almighty Dolph. (To be fair, we don't know for a fact that that's what happened, but it's as likely a scenario as any). Dolph puts in a genuinely excellent performance, and even gets to stretch a little as an actor. Casual fans might not believe it, but casual fans won't be watching Riot anyway. 

There are plenty of prison fights, including a handful on the female side of the prison (we assume the male and female prisons are on opposite sides of the same building?) - and we believe Danielle C. Ryan can have a bright future in DTV action if she wants one.

While the stunts and brawls are more than competently executed, in the editing they did that annoying thing where they take out frames of film during the fight, presumably to increase the speed and the impact level. Consequently, it has a bit of a herky-jerky look that they're not even trying to hide. Modern-day DTV filmmakers seem to think that it's just a matter of course to do things this way these days, and we're all supposed to accept it. Well, we don't like that very much. We say let the fights speak for themselves, with no trickery.

In classic fashion, people are after the information that's on "the discs", but because we're now in 2015, they also want what's on "the thumb drives". Similarly, Riot adheres to what we've seen before in the realm of the prison movie. The problem with that is there is only so much you can do in that setting, and it starts to get a bit repetitive after a while. But, naturally, it all comes to a head in the time-honored prison riot, which is done quite well. 

In the end, Riot delivers exactly what you would expect - and what you would want - in a beat-em-up prison movie. It doesn't undercut your expectations, nor does it exceed them.

Comeuppance Review by Brett and Ty

Black Water (2017)

Black Water (2018)- * *

Directed by: Pasha Patriki

Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Al Sapienza, and Patrick Kilpatrick

Wheeler (Van Damme) is described only as a "deep cover operative" for the government. He's also "The Best". Because his higher-ups, including Rhodes (Sapienza) and Ferris (Kilpatrick) think he "switched sides" and is now a traitor, they imprison him on a submarine. 

Because they're stupid enough to think Van Damme switched sides, they deserve everything they may have coming to them. Marco (Dolph) is in the cell next to Wheeler's, and they quickly bond. While (endlessly) trying to figure out who crossed and double-crossed him, Wheeler, and, to a lesser extent, Marco, have to fight their way out of certain situations on this mysterious submarine. Who will resurface from the BLACK WATER?

A Submarine Slog by any other name...

Don't get us wrong, we're very happy that legends like Van Damme and Dolph are still working and delivering product to us, the fans. But Black Water isn't exactly in the same realm as the Universal Soldier series. Except perhaps Universal Soldier: The Return (1999). 

We're also happy that you can pretty much see what's going on, at least in the non-submarine moments. There are a handful of shooting and beat-em-up scenes that are executed well enough. Unfortunately, this is where all our goodwill runs out. 

The main problem, at least for us, is that we were never fans of movies set on submarines (or Submarine Slogs, as we call them). It's just a dull, uninteresting setting that breeds repetition. This time around there are elements of prison movies and spy thrillers, but that honestly doesn't help things all that much.

I know we're talking about the world of DTV here, but Black Water isn't exactly theater-ready. It's more Wal-Mart ready. Have you ever been to a Wal-Mart (or some equivalent store), and you browse by the DVDs and Blu-Rays, and you see a movie - particularly an action movie - that you've never seen or heard of before? Like, "Black Water? What's this...?" This is pretty much one of those.

Hammering some heavy nails into this coffin are the fact that a. it's boring, b. it's very self-serious, but without much substance or reason to be, c. there's not enough Dolph, and d. the running time for all this is an inexcusable 105 minutes.

If Black Water (get the double meaning? In the movie, Van Damme mentions "black sites" and the title seems to be a reference to that mercenary group that changed its name to X, and also the fact that they're deep underwater) was 80 minutes and featured Dolph and Van Damme fighting through all the baddies that were trying to kill them, The Raid style, Black Water could've been a classic. But oh no, they couldn't do that. That would be too simple. They had to load up the movie with a bunch of inane dialogue about people trying to find "the dongle". 

First it was the tape, then it was the disc, then it was the thumb drive, and now the MacGuffin of the modern age apparently is the dongle. Although it is sort of amusing to watch actors try to say the word "dongle" with a completely straight face.

So, sadly, the negatives of Black Water outweigh the positives. The viewer, who clearly would not even be watching this unless they're a fan of Dolph and Van Damme, is submerged in the muck and mire of submarine slogginess. While the two guys are both good in the movie itself, what's swirling around them is more of a cesspool.




Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum!

Skin Trade (2014)

Skin Trade (2014)- * * *

Directed by: Ekachai Uekrongtham

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Tony Jaa, Michael Jai White, Ron Perlman, and Peter Weller

Nick Cassidy (Dolph) is a tough New York cop with a loving wife and daughter. When a Serbian gangster named Viktor Dragovic (Perlman) and his three sons appear on Nick’s radar, representing many illegal interests, not the least of which is human trafficking, Nick makes it his mission to shut them down. It becomes personal when the baddies kill his wife and daughter and leave him for dead. Now fueled for revenge, Nick travels to Thailand, and while there meets up with a Thai cop named Tony (Jaa). At first they are enemies based on misunderstanding, but eventually they team up to end the Dragovic criminal empire - permanently. Add to that some duplicity on behalf of a man named Reed (White), Nick and Tony have their hands full. Will they both put an out-of-business sign on the SKIN TRADE?

Dolph delivers what fans want with Skin Trade, and notches another positive on his ever-growing resume. Having starred in, co-produced, and co-written the film, Dolph has described it as a passion project. That he has two daughters of his own provided even more emotional fuel for him, and he even got involved behind the scenes with anti-trafficking organizations. While that is noble, and there is a tasteful title card after the film that informs us about trafficking, what we’re here for is the action, and there’s plenty of it. It’s all framed around what is probably our favorite plot, the revenge framework.

Dolph even assembled a dream cast for this one. You can’t do better than having Dolph, Tony Jaa, Michael Jai White (MJW as we call him), Ron Perlman and Peter Weller all together, can you? Weller’s part is necessarily restrained, but he does bring his classic voice and intensity to the role. Perlman, honestly, doesn’t get a ton of screen time either, but he makes the most of what he has. The Dolph-Tony Jaa fight amongst all the falling rice was a movie highlight, as was another dream pairing, the MJW-Tony Jaa fight.

It looks professional and non-junky, thank goodness, and the stellar cast only reinforces the “this could have gone to the theater here and probably did in other countries around the world” vibe. Dolph does walk away from an explosion, which is always cool, but sadly it’s a CGI explosion. While we really liked the movie overall, and there is plenty to commend within it, the use of CGI explosions, bullet hits, sparks, etc., plus the annoying use of cut frames was a bit bothersome. But it’s very clear the positives outweigh those minor negatives.

We applaud everyone involved, especially Dolph, for producing Skin Trade. On the one hand it has brutal violence and top-notch fights from the best in the business, and on the other hand it delivers an important message about one of the evils in the world today. The fact that Dolph and the gang found a way to marry those two together is impressive and noteworthy. Skin Trade is worth seeing and recommending. 

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett 

Puncture Wounds (2014)

Puncture Wounds (2014)- *1\2

Directed by: Giorgio Serafini and James Coyne

Starring: Cung Le, Dolph Lundgren, Briana Evigan, Robert LaSardo, and Vinnie Jones










John Nguyen  (Le) has all sorts of problems. After serving his country in Iraq, he comes home to L.A. and has to deal with not just his PTSD, but also his lazy, none-too-bright roommate (not sure of his name, but he could possibly be in the next casting for Jersey Shore, if his acting was better). One night Nguyen unleashes his Martial Arts skill on some toughs harassing local prostitute Tanya (Evigan, daughter of My Two Dads’ Greg Evigan), and some of the guys die. This upsets crime boss Hollis (Dolph). 

So Hollis sends some more of his goons to kill Nguyen’s family. Now in full revenge mode, Nguyen vows to go after Hollis - but to get there, he must get info from Bennett (Jones) and figure out what the detectives investigating the case know. Will Nguyen get revenge? Will someone die of PUNCTURE WOUNDS?

Man, this Cung Le guy looks like Cuba Gooding, Jr. I mean, he REALLY looks like him. Note how on the box art, his Cuba-face is strongly emphasized, while no actors’ names are present. Could this be a trick? Well, that aside, it’s a dark day in DTV-land once again, as these modern-day productions prove time and again they cannot hold a candle to their far-superior 80’s and 90’s counterparts. 

You know it’s a bad sign when two separate directors get two separate credits (and on the version on Netflix streaming at least, it’s shown under its alternate title, A Certain Justice). Here is no exception. The stupidity is all-encompassing, as everywhere you turn in this movie, something dumb is happening - with the possible exception of Dolph. Whenever he’s onscreen, things are better, but he and his walrus ‘stache can’t save this turkey from its own sophomorically-written ways.

It is indeed hard to believe someone over the age of 14 actually wrote this inanity down on pieces of paper. Hey, writers - instead of writing down to us, how about writing UP to us for a change? We’re action movie fans, not automatons that will just accept any old slop. From the unnecessary narration, to the gratuitous use of slow motion, to the puzzling stylistic choices such as quick cuts and foggy, blurred edges on screen, to printing the names of the characters on screen as if that matters/has never been done before,  to the nu-metal-esque soundtrack, the whole thing seems targeted towards the ‘stupid market’. 

It all screams “NEW DTV production”, to its detriment. Yes, we’re glad Dolph is still working, and it’s nice to see mainstays like Vinnie Jones and Robert Lasardo (who is in one scene), so we don’t want to seem ungrateful, but Puncture Wounds is just not enjoyable to watch. We’re sorry, but there’s no getting around that, no matter how hard we try.

The premise is even very similar to fellow Cung Le vehicle Dragon Eyes (2012) - Cung moves into an apartment complex in a bad neighborhood in L.A., beats up a bunch of people, and there are crackheads running around. But thankfully Dragon Eyes was directed by John Hyams, so it was better than Puncture Wounds. While we liked seeing Dolph as the baddie, and we thought that was a nice change of pace, it was really a wasted opportunity.

So, yes, Puncture Wounds does have some action, but at what cost? The movie typifies some of the worst aspects of modern-day DTV, unfortunately. We thought it was a tough sit.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!

Storm Catcher (1999)

Storm Catcher (1999)- * * *

Directed by: Anthony Hickox

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Robert Miano, Mystro Clark, Yvonne Zima, and Kylie Bax













Jack Holloway (Dolph) truly has it all. As a proud member of the U.S. Air Force, he gets to live his dream of flying a radical stealth bomber called the Storm Catcher, serving under General William Jacobs (Miano). When he’s not off going Mach 3 Turbo before it was a shaving razor, he spends time with his loving wife Jessica (Bax), and as a devoted football coach to a girls little league team featuring his daughter Nicole (Zima). However, the skies become less than friendly when someone dressed as Holloway kills a bunch of people, and, naturally, Holloway becomes the prime suspect. Breaking out of custody, Holloway and his buddy Captain “Sparks” Johnson (Clark) try to clear his name. But things get really real when Jessica is assaulted and Nicole is kidnapped. Realizing he’s in a race against time against an evil cabal of baddies intent on misusing the Storm Catcher for their own evil ends, will Holloway be able to stop the madness?

Storm Catcher is really a lot better than you probably think it is. Sure, it seems like another plane/guys-sitting-at-radar-monitors-giving-coordinates slog, and, to be fair, there are elements of that scourge of the later 90’s, but it manages to rise above the others, much like Holloway’s beloved stealth bomber. It’s certainly better than Freedom Strike (1998), and that had Tone-Loc. TONE-LOC. So there was a lot to prove. Out of the movies from the “Dolph hitting the skids” period of his career, this one is the best. 

Unfortunately, things would sink back down after this brief high (no plane puns intended) when Dolph re-teamed with director Hickox the next year for the dreary Jill the Ripper (2000). So enjoy the small pleasures of Storm Catcher while they last, and there is plenty to enjoy here.

We see what the movie was trying to do. It was trying to go for that “theater-ready” vibe, what with the big-sounding score, the fact that it was shot well, and it includes some prescient dialogue that seems to apply more to today’s political situation than ever before. It even includes some classic action bits like people running away from an explosion, and plenty of people get shot/beat up/blown up. But no matter how hard they may have tried, alas, it was destined for the video store shelf. 

Hickox never seemed to accept that he was a DTV director; at least for the first half of his career, notably with Full Eclipse (1993), he certainly tried to imbue his films with a professional, mainstream feel. Dolph probably liked his role as Holloway because he got to be the action hero as always, but he showed a sensitive side with the little league football scenes. Our guess is he would jump at the chance to do a Ladybugs (1992)-type movie, because he likes showing he’s more than just an action guy. That will probably never happen in our overly-PC world, where kids are discouraged from football, especially girls, and especially with no helmets. Dolph was probably miffed that footage from this movie was nonsensically and lazily edited into the abomination that was Agent Red (2000).

Robert Miano again proves he’s one of the more underrated actors out there, and the Storm Catcher plane is so technologically advanced, you can voice-text things you want to say (much like the Dragon program whose ads are constantly on TV), and it has minidisc abilities. It would probably be nothing without its minidisc player. Once again, Dolph delivers the goods against all odds. Feel free to catch this storm tonight.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum! 

The Package (2012)

The Package (2012)- * * *

Directed by: Jesse V. Johnson

Starring: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Keenleyside, Monique Ganderton, Darren Shahlavi, Mike Dopud, Lochlyn Munro, and Jerry Trimble









Tommy (Austin) and his partner Julio (Dopud) are Iraq and Afghanistan veterans who work for big shot mob boss Big Doug (Keenleyside). They go around collecting debts for Mr. Big and everything seems peachy keen. One day, Tommy is entrusted to deliver THE PACKAGE to rival crime lord The German (Dolph). Seems simple enough, but Tommy’s life is about to get a lot more stressful, because hordes of baddies start chasing him because they want what he’s supposed to deliver. 

Devon (Shahlavi) commands a gang of highly-trained assassins, including token female gang member Monique (Ganderton), and others, such as Carl (Trimble) fight Tommy every step of the way. Tommy just wants to get back to his wife Darla (Kerr) but it’s going to be a battle to get there. Will Tommy survive, or will The Package be marked Return to Sender? Find out today...

We enjoyed The Package. It had an old-school vibe that we could really get into. All the movie really consists of is a series of fights between Stone Cold and various other characters. For us, the highlights naturally were the fight with Darren Shahlavi, who was so memorable as the baddie from Bloodmoon (1997), the fight with none other than Jerry Trimble, who we thought looked and sounded great, time has been very kind to him and we hope this revives his movie career, and of course the Dolph-Stone Cold battle that the whole film leads up to. Dolph is known only as “The German” - it seems he plays a lot of Russian, American, and now German characters, never any Swedish ones it seems - and it was nice to see him as a baddie after a long string of hero roles. It seems his last bad guy role, or at least the only one that comes to mind, was way back as Ivan Drago.

Not to be confused with the Gene Hackman vehicle The Package (1989), this particular The Package makes for entertaining and pleasant DTV action viewing, and has a different look and feel than another Anchor Bay-released Dolph outing, The Killing Machine (2010) (which interestingly also featured actress Monique Ganderton) - so if you’re worried that Anchor Bay is just pumping out a mindless, samey stream of Dolph movies, have no fear, that’s not the case. Besides, where else will you see Dolph extolling the virtues of a good fruit salad? That alone makes The Package worth at least one viewing. 

Of course, the classic cliches are also delivered (pun intended?) - the Prerequisite Torture of the hero, the wife of the hero who wants him to quit his dangerous job/lifestyle, and a favorite of ours, when the baddies find a place where they know the hero is, then break out at least one machine gun and proceed to shoot up the place from outside, in an extended shooting scene, rather than go inside, giving the hero ample time to survive.

It was comforting to watch a solidly-made modern-day actioner - it always helps to know you’re in capable hands (speaking about the writing and direction, and all the other technical aspects, which were all pretty much right on target). Director Johnson had previously made Pit Fighter (2005), so we were familiar with him from that. The Package gets our stamp of approval.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Jill The Ripper (2000)

Jill The Ripper (2000)- * *1\2

Directed by: Anthony Hickox

Starring: Dolph Lundgren and Kylie Bax










Set in Boston in 1977, Jill the Ripper is the tale of Matt Sorenson (Dolph), an ex-cop who may or may not have gotten in trouble because of his rogue ways and possible drinking problem. When his brother, a politician who was meant to be spearheading a massive underground tunnel project, ends up mysteriously murdered, Matt tries to piece together  who may be behind it. It turns out a female serial killer is on the loose, and Matt tears up all of Toronto, sorry, BOSTON, trying to get answers. As might be expected, his search leads him to seedy S & M dungeons where men are constantly being whipped and humiliated, Zipperface (1992) style. Will Matt Sorenson get to the truth, or will he get all “tied up” (groan) ?

Jill the Ripper was made during Dolph’s “hitting the skids” period of the late 90’s-early 2000’s. He was caught in between his 80’s glory and his modern renaissance. Hence cruddy crud like Agent Red (2000), Storm Catcher (1999), Hidden Agenda (2001) and Detention (2003). Missionary Man (2007) catches Dolph right in the middle of production companies shrugging their shoulders and announcing “we don’t know what to do with him”. This proves that even being the world’s greatest human being still isn’t good enough for Hollywood or small independent companies. He must have felt he was in a bind, much like Jill the Ripper’s victims.

Dolph does get to stretch his acting muscles a bit, because, after all, this is more a mystery/drama than anything else. There are large swathes of the movie that consist of dour dialogue scenes, and Dolph probably enjoyed a chance to get away from being seen as “just another musclehead”. Though we know that isn’t true, he still got to show some dramatic range here. 

The fact that it’s a 70’s period piece was interesting, and appreciated, but the movie as a whole has a “not theater ready” feel that many Canada-shot DTV items seem to have, and the whole 70’s vibe might have been done better under different circumstances. For example, there’s a Black guy with an absurd afro wig and an outfit that looks more like he’s on his way to a 70’s-themed party than anything else. Either that, or he sincerely believes the fact that funk will never die.

So while the movie isn’t a typical beat-em-up, it kind of made us wish that it was. It’s more of a ponderously over-serious bore, though it does include the time honored barfight. Let’s also remember the late 90’s/early 2000’s were a dark time for DTV - in more ways than one. It was the beginning of the “Too Dark Cliche”, or TDC, which is highly prevalent today in both TV and movies. That being the phenomenon of under-lighting scenes to the point where it’s not moody or interesting, you just can’t see anything. So, for the above stated reasons, it doesn’t hook you in, and you don’t really care all that much. Law and Order: SVU episodes, generally speaking, have similar themes and are more watchable.

Jill the Ripper was generally relegated to the dusty netherworld of un-perused video store shelves of the day. And that seems to be the final fate of this item from the interim phase of Dolph’s career.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum!