13 Dead Men (2003)

 13 Dead Men (2003)- * *

Directed by: Art Camacho 

Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, David Weininger, Ashley Tucker, Shalena Hughes, and Mystikal

Malachi (Tucker) is in prison. But it's not just any prison, of course. It's run by the corrupt warden Kowalski (Weininger) and his obedient gang of corrections officers. Kowalski stages illegal Punchfights, but he also has his own personal death row where he executes inmates at will (those are the '13 Dead Men' of the title). The Van Peebles-esque Malachi just wants to serve out his sentence as peacefully as possible, but he's put in a cell next to Caj (Mystikal), the Top Dog of the facility who enjoys beating up everyone in sight.

Meanwhile, on the outside, Santos (Lamas) and his girlfriend Jay'me (Hughes) are diamond thieves and they know Malachi has the secret that would lead to a valuable cache of diamonds. So they assemble a team to break Malachi out of prison. They better do it fast, because Malachi just may be on the chopping block. It all comes to a head during a final battle where all hell breaks loose in jail. Will Malachi be the fourteenth Dead Man? And who is this mysterious Cornbread character we've heard so much about? Could he be the key to everything?

13 Dead Men is the perfect movie to watch if you enjoy watching Mystikal repeatedly punch people.

Of course, while some people may argue that that's not the true meaning of the cinematic arts, we would humbly suggest that for 13 Dead Men II that they bring on board Kurupt, C-Murder, Silkk The Shocker, Mr. Ballin Big and others and do a "Black Expendables" sort of thing. It could be huge.

As a director, Art Camacho is a great stunt coordinator. He delivers "urban" action on a very low budget this time around. The artwork (and a lot of the plot) may remind you of Half Past Dead (2002), but instead of Seagal and Ja Rule, we get Lamas and Mystikal. What's the saying? Six of one, half-dozen of the other? Although the aforementioned Kurupt was in Half Past Dead. Couldn't they get him for this?

Anyway, the main problem with 13 Dead Men is that it's a "prison plot" we've seen countless times before. It's more or less a Broken Bars (1995) for the 00's. Or maybe a Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight (1992), Death Warrant (1990), In Hell (2003), Vendetta (2015), etc., etc. It has the same old evil warden we've all come to expect. None of the above could ever match the majesty of Tony Zarindast's Hardcase and Fist (1989). That's the best of the bunch. It has Warden Borden and Beano. So what hope does 13 Dead Men have?

That being said, it is an epic of shirtlessness. There are many shirtless men in this movie, many of which are not in the best of shape. Even Mystikal whips off his shirt at the drop of a hat. Overall, though, the problem with prison films is that they primarily take place in one location. One drab, visually uninteresting location. So things start to get repetitive quick. The main problem with 13 Dead Men is that it's not only very repetitive, it's also relentlessly stupid. A lot of what we see is overlaid with the Godsmack/Linkin Park-esque musical stylings of a band called Crucial Element. If anything dates the movie to 2003, it's that. And we were having a hard enough time trying to decipher the semi-intelligible Mystikal. It was a rocky time back then.

With just a little less repetition and slightly more intelligence, 13 Dead Men could have risen above the morass of all the other Homie Movies. Lamas does what he can but there's only so much any one man can do, even him. As it is, you'd really have to be a fan of any of the personnel involved or an ardent devotee of the Homie Movie genre to want to go out of your way to check it out. Sadly, we honestly can't recommend 13 Dead Men otherwise.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum!

Hot Boyz (2000)

Hot Boyz (2000)- * *

AKA: Gang Law 

Directed by: Master P

Starring: Silkk Tha Shocker, Master P, C-Murder, Master P, Snoop Dogg, Shireen Crutchfield, C.Thomas Howell, Gary Busey, Mystikal, Anthony Johnson, Brent Huff, Clifton Powell, and Jeff Speakman









 Hot Boyz is the sad and tragic tale of Kool (Tha Shocker) and his homies (not something gay as you might reasonably expect). Kool is an aspiring rapper who is probably still aspiring because he can’t come up with a better name for himself than Kool. He and girlfriend LaShawna (Crutchfield) are in love, despite the protestations of her mother, who disapproves of Kool’s homie-ing ways. One night while walking down a dark alley (always a bad idea, especially in the ‘hood), LaShawna witnesses a murder and is then accused of it and thrown in jail. It turns out she stumbled into a network of fully corrupt cops like Officer Mack (Huff) to pretty corrupt cops like Det. Tully (Busey) to not-that-corrupt cops like Officer Roberts (Howell). 

While fighting for LaShawna’s release, Tully convinces Kool to infiltrate the criminal organization run by Saint (Powell).  But when things take a turn for the worst, Kool and his homeboys C-Dawg (Snoop Dogg, stretching), Moe (Master P), Remo (C-Murder), Tyrel (Mystikal), and Pee Wee (Johnson) suddenly become crime lords in their own right. Will all this gangsta-ism lead to a bad end for Kool and/or the gang? Also Jeff Speakman is Kool’s Kenpo teacher. Kool takes Kenpo lessons.

Here is your classic example of what we call the “homie movie”, but because it’s also a PM movie, it has C. Thomas Howell, Gary Busey, Brent Huff and Jeff Speakman in non-homie roles. And also a bunch of shooting, car chases, and other PM hallmarks. In between most scenes there is an aerial shot of L.A. while some No Limit rapper lays down his poppin’ fresh rhymes. 

And behind scenes of C. Thomas Howell or Gary Busey talking, there are yet more rap beats. And of course, during any chase scenes, more rapping can be heard. Pretty much every homie movie cliche is out in force: barbecue parties (where Snoop doles out potato salad), bouncing cars, basketball games, evil whiteys (especially cops), and young ghetto-dwellers dreaming of escaping using the time-honored methods of drugs and violence. I guess it’s what you’d call “Master P’s Theatre”(groan).

Sure, you feel every aspect of its low-budget, but certain personalities shine through. Clifton Powell and Shireen Crutchfield stand out as the baddie and Kool’s inexplicably devoted girlfriend, respectively. 

And you’ve got to respect Snoop - he remains one mellow cat at ALL times, whether hangin’ with his homeboys or shooting a bunch of people in a (wildly extended) shootout. For this reason, he comes off as highly naturalistic, especially compared to his screen-mates such as Mr. Tha Shocker, who is clearly trying, but in a way that suggests a child trying to fit their little feet into their parents’ shoes.  As for the fan favorites, Howell doesn’t do all that much, Huff is one-dimensionally evil, Speakman’s role is largely unnecessary to the plot (although it was welcome and we wished there was more of him) and Busey is Busey. Busey is no stranger to the ‘hood, having also been in Down ‘n Dirty (2001) and On the Edge (2002).

It almost goes without saying, but Scarface (1983) seems to be a natural jumping-off point, at least for the second half of the movie, where the “Hot Boyz” are born and form their own criminal empire. When Kool earns his black belt, Master Keaton (Speakman) says to him “now you’re a man”, and later, Saint congratulates him on going from a boy to a man. The movie also could have been called “Bar MitzvahZ”.

But we don’t think you’re supposed to think about it all that much, just get your own group of “Hot Boyz” together, pour out a 40 for your dead homiez, and pop in the DVD. If this is your thing at all, you’ll be in homie heaven.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett 

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC, The Video Vacuum, and The Unknown Movies!