Body Armor (1997)

 

Body Armor (1997)- * * *

AKA: Conway

Directed by: Jack Gill

Starring: Matt McColm, John Rhys-Davies, Morgan Brittany, Shauna O'Brien, Michael Paul Chan, Annabel Schofield, Carol Alt, Clint Howard, and Ron Perlman

Ken Conway (McColm) is The Best. What is he the best at, you ask? Apparently, Conway is a highly-trained professional toughguy, a sort of likable soldier of fortune, and if you have the money, you can hire him to protect you, beat people up, shoot them, or whatever you may want. Tiring of his latest assignment, protecting a bad guy named Rasheed (Rhys-Davies), Conway decides to do something more positive with his life and his skills. His accountant/sidekick 'Hutch' Hutcherson (Howard) wants him to help guard a Red Cross convoy in Sri Lanka, but Conway demurs, saying he "doesn't know what diseases he'll get". Conway doesn't realize how prescient his words are, as he then quickly goes on the case of a missing scientist, which leads to a sinister virologist named Ramsey Krago (Perlman).

Ostensibly, Krago and his partner Sloane Matthews (Brittany) are looking into the cure for a deadly, Ebola-like new disease inexplicably named Ferris. But something evil is going on, and Conway is going to find out what it is. But time is of the essence, because Conway becomes infected with Ferris and only has 48 hours to live. Joined on his mission by old flame Marisa (Schofield) and Agent Monica McBride (Alt), CONWAY is going to have to act quickly or the evil Krago will get away. Can he do it?

Body Armor is comic-booky good fun. It features exaggerated, larger-than-life heroes and villains, and the women that accompany them. If you're looking for something realistic and gritty, this isn't it. Similar to what The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) is to the Sci-Fi genre, Body Armor is comparable to that in the realm of low-budget action. It's all done with a rather silly sense of humor. Clint Howard is the comic relief character, but a vein of humor goes throughout the whole film, including during some of the fight scenes. Of course, Howard and McColm are the Original Odd Couple. One of them looks a lot like Ben Affleck, and the other...doesn't.

The director, Jack Gill, has mainly worked in the field of stunts for his whole career, and Body Armor is nothing if not a stunt-fest. That would make sense, as it's Gill's only directorial credit to date. He pulls out the stops in that department, as you would think he would, as it's what he knows best. Besides the high-quality stunt work, Body Armor also has a noteworthy cast. 

Besides the aforementioned Howard and McColm, we also have Carol Alt, star of one of our favorites, Crackerjack 2 AKA Hostage Train (1997). With Body Armor, you really get the Alt you want. As much as we love it, in Crackerjack 2 she's a hostage of the baddies. Here, she gets in on the action and continually shoots people throughout the film. Finally, Carol Alt shooting people! It's what we've always wanted to see. Annabel Schofield and Shauna O'Brien provide even more backup in the beautiful woman department. John Rhys-Davies and Michael Paul Chan provide small but memorable supporting roles, and Ron Perlman and Morgan Brittany are an amusing team of baddies. As good as Perlman was in the role, it's also the type of thing Ron Silver excelled at during that time period.

As an antagonist named Krago - which is sort of hard to take seriously because other characters pronounce it like 'Eggo', but then again that was probably on purpose because of the goofy tone of the film - he has virologist goons. That's right, virologist goons. Even though, to the public at least, he is a venerable, white-coated doctor, when Conway starts going after him, he sends his goons to beat/kill him. You don't see that every day. 

Naturally, lots and lots of stunt people worked on the film, notably Kane Hodder and a guy named Mike Justus. Could he have been the inspiration behind the man of the same name from Street Corner Justice (1996)? We may never know, but it is comforting to know that there is a real guy out there named Mike Justus.

Before its final release on A-Pix VHS as Body Armor, the film was known variously as The Protector, Krago's Island, and simply Conway. We can see why they went with Body Armor, as there are a lot of other movies called The Protector, and you really don't want to mess with Ed Marinaro. Krago's Island was bound to be confused with The Secret of King Mahi's Island (1988) and/or McCinsey's Island (1998) - plus that's not a very accurate title to begin with. Conway is a bit plain and doesn't exactly scream "stunt-filled action!", so ultimately they went with the best choice.

While the tone is a bit goofball, and the pacing could perhaps have been a bit more ironed-out, the action, stunts, and lovable B-Movie cast raise Body Armor above many of its competitors.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Crackerjack 2 (1997)

Crackerjack 2 (1997)-* * * *

AKA: Hostage Train

Directed by: Robert Lee

Starring: Judge Reinhold, Carol Alt, Katerina Brozova, Karel Roden and Michael Sarrazin










Jack Wild is back! Why, exactly, we don’t know, but this time he’s Wilder than ever, because the ultimate action star of our time has stepped in to fill the shoes of T.I.G., who clearly headed for the hills when he had the chance - JUDGE REINHOLD. He truly is Judge, jury and executioner as the Close Talker himself shoots, blows up, stabs, snaps the necks of and expertly executes his Reinhold-Fu on the baddies! He’s not in one of those 80’s switcheroo movies this time. Reinhold is the ultimate cop on the ultimate edge, and it was clearly perfect casting for the angry and disgruntled Jack Wild. 

Rather than get any name remotely associated with the action genre (and there were plenty of them around during the video store era, as we’re always talking about), it was someone’s idea - and the following words were probably said - “let’s get Judge Reinhold!” Thankfully, he accepted, and the rest is movie history. More producers should think out of the box when it comes to action casting. The Crackerjack box. Ha. But seriously, they should.

The plot concerns some sort of “financial planning train ride”, which isn’t at all a contrivance, where some of the world’s richest people are all on board. Jack Wild’s girlfriend is, naturally, the gorgeous Carol Alt. (Even though Jack is a cop, the planet’s most beautiful women can’t hold themselves back from him). She's the lead financial planner on this silly, unnecessary train voyage. 

In the universe’s least-surprising plot twist, a ponytailed, typically-Eurotrash baddie named Hans Becker (Roden) (making him some sort of cross between Alan Rickman and Ted Danson as a grumpy doctor) hijacks the train and holds the passengers hostage (hence the title Hostage Train). Then the MAIN baddie, the creatively named Smith (Sarrazin) steps in, and using state of the art 90’s tech, proceeds to steal money from/torture/kill the passengers. Only ONE man - one tough, brave, macho, heroic man - can save his girlfriend and the other passengers. And jokers are WILD.

Utter silliness and weapons-grade, uncut ridiculousness ensue as Judge Reinhold fights his way through the proceedings. Every cliche is present and accounted for on the time-honored roll call, from the abandoned warehouse fights, to the sought-after Disc that contains all the information, to the token female baddie (Brozova), and so much more. The only difference this time is that our hero is Reinholding on to the bottom of the flying helicopter, instead of the standard hold.

Of course, this is the classic video store-era genre we call the “DieHardInA” movie (this time in a train tunnel), but all those other Die Hard knockoffs don’t have a pantsless Judge Reinhold casually in bed, looking on the computer, and, ickily, fighting the baddies. Pantsless. WHY? While train-based action movies can range from enjoyable, such as The Millionaire’s Express (1986), to downright awful, such as Derailed (2002), to Seagal, such as Under Siege 2 (1995), none of the aforementioned movies have the panache, the joie d’vivre if you will, of Crackerjack 2. 

Even towards the end of the movie when things become more standard, Reinhold’s non-stop funny facial expressions carry the movie. From moment one, he’s constantly bugging out his eyes and screwing up his face. His muggings are truly priceless. And we laughed for a good 100 minutes. Where else will you get that? The closest analogue to this movie is Airborne (1998), where Steve Guttenberg tried to - nay - BECAME an action star.

Guttenberg and Reinhold even try the same way of speaking, in a hilariously futile attempt to seem tough, i.e., speaking in a low, but gravelly tone. Add to all of this some humorously horrendous explosion effects and train/helicopter miniatures, and there you have it. The director, Robert Lee, even directed another DieHardInA movie two years before this - complete with the word “Jack” in the title, Cyberjack (1995). It’s basically the same movie, plotwise. But that one has Dudikoff. In case you weren’t paying attention, this one has Judge Reinhold. Draw your own conclusions.

Simply put, Hostage Train, or Crackerjack 2, or whatever, is the funniest comedy not labeled a comedy that you’ll find. See it soon if you want to laugh.

Also check out a killer write-up of the whole Crackerjack series by Collected Cinema!
(Thank you for the above Reinhold picture!)

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Ring Of Steel (1994)

Ring Of Steel (1994)-* * *

Directed By: David Frost 

Starring: Joe Don Baker, Carol Alt, Darlene Vogel, Henry Brown, and Robert Chapin



"Death Has Just Become A Spectator Sport."








Allez: Ring Of Steel is classier-than-average direct to video fare. Just imagine the structure of a classic punchfighting movie (see: pretty much everything we’ve written) but instead of punchfighting, it is sword-fighting. Well, to be perfectly accurate, it's more like “fence-fighting”.

Alex Freyer (Chapin) is on top of the world: He’s a champion fencer on his way to Olympic gold, and he keeps his many fencing trophies right on his coffee table in the living room. He just met his new girlfriend at a fencing tourney, and his mullet is lookin’ awesome in the cool breeze. His dreams are shattered when his bouton breaks and his riposte goes horribly, horribly wrong, and he accidentally stabs his opponent in the eye, killing him.

Alex is depressed and contemplates throwing out his fencing outfit for good. One day Alex is walking down a dark alley at night (bad idea) and is about to be mugged by some local street toughs. For some reason, Joe Don Baker shows up in his limo and announces “I’ve been following you.” Why Joe Don didn’t show up at Alex’s house is unknown. He invites Freyer and his girlfriend Elena (Vogel) to his underground fence-fighting club. Like Alex’s mullet, it is a business in the front and an illegal fence-fighting party in the back.


In true Lone Tiger (1999) tradition, the big boss man says the hero is “The Best” and then proceeds to groom him to be "The Best”. Isn’t he already "The Best"? After Alex does a few exhibition matches, Elena balks and doesn’t want him to fight anymore. Naturally the bad guys kidnap her and force Alex to participate in an arbitrary number of matches before they release her.

Can he thrust and parry his way to freedom?

The main fencing baddie is a meathead who wears a “shirtless shirt” and who has wide array of not “Cosby Sweaters” but “Cosby Vests”. Baker plays “The Man In Black”. That’s his name in the movie. Baker is a kinder, gentler sort of baddie and black is quite slimming. His bodyguard looks like a cross between Allen Kalter and Robert Loggia and he makes funny faces.


Other notable characters include an overweight LARP’er who dreams of being a barbarian (imagine a live-action version of “Comic Book Guy” from The Simpsons). He stumbles into the wrong salle, and he unfortunately gets slain in real life. Alex makes a friend in the theatrical fencer Brian (Jim Pirri). When Shirtless Shirt kills him, Alex grieves the only way he can: fencing practice.

In all comes to a head when cops get wise to the “Ring Of Steel”. The final confrontation is basically in the same steam factory from Cobra (1986).

This is Chapin’s first role and he is more a fencer than an actor. When his character is not pretending to be a pirate, he is doing fan favorite yell “Noooooooo!”

Shout “En Garde” while you are watching this movie tonight!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett