Felony (1995)

Felony (1995)- * * *

Directed by: David A. Prior

Starring: Lance Henriksen, Leo Rossi, Charles Napier, David Warner, Jeffrey Combs, Cory Everson, Ashley Laurence, and Joe Don Baker












When a “Cops”-like reality show films a drug bust, and said bust goes sideways, everyone in town wants the tape it was filmed on. The heinous massacre of twelve police officers caught on video was masterminded by arch-baddie Cooper (Warner), and the cameraman who barely made it out of there alive, a guy named Bill Knight (Combs) finds the next couple of days quite trying indeed. 

Everyone from Cooper’s right-hand man Taft (Henriksen) to the mysterious Donovan (Baker) wants a piece of Knight. Meanwhile, Detectives Duke (Napier) and Kincade (Rossi) are working the case and trying to get to the truth of this tangled web. But when Knight meets an attractive nurse named Laura (Laurence), things seem to be looking up for Mr. Knight...but in this complicated web of twists, turns, and constantly changing allegiances, who can really tell? And who is going to commit the ultimate FELONY?

David A. Prior, known to action fans all over as the AIP guy, here corrals an amazing B-movie cast for this non-AIP outing. It was 1995, video stores were booming, and with the right cast, they had a place for Felony on their shelves. With Jeffrey Combs as the main character, Ashley Laurence as the female lead and sidekick, and Lance Henriksen with an impressive array of multi-colored shirts, that was just the beginning. 

We get Joe Don Baker with a triumphant introduction to his character, with an alley rescue scene that is really a lot like the one in Ring of Steel (1994), also with Baker. Maybe rescuing people in alleys is his “thing”. And with his fringed jacket that he no doubt bought at the local buckskinnery, he gives Seagal a run for his money. Then there’s Napier playing a guy named Duke, as he would right around the same time on The Critic, and Leo Rossi doing his best southern accent. Add to that David Warner with a grenade launcher and a small role from Cory Everson, and you have a recipe that raises Felony above the average dreck.

Prior was surely going big-time with this one, indicated by not just the cast, and the fact that it was released by New Line, but also the level of stunt work, with PM-style car-flipping and blow-ups. Cooper even kills off a lot of cops just like baddies do in PM movies. And of course there is the standard pew-pew bullet shooting. He was aiming high, and it works for the most part. At least it’s better-acted than usual, thanks to the experienced cast of familiar names. 

It’s basically as dumb as an AIP movie (and we mean that in the best possible way, of course), with plot holes so big, Stephen Hawking has warned us all that they could potentially slow down the space-time continuum. But this time Mr. Prior has more resources at his disposal than usual. There are even some interesting contemporary references, like to the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan hoo-hah that everyone was talking about at the time. If only we could have heard David Warner utter the name “Gillooly”, Felony would have shot up a few points.

So go back to a time when strippers stripped to sleazy heavy metal (presumably this is the song “Dynamite” by a band called Psychic Underground listed in the end credits), and to a time when an array of B-movie stars such as this could assemble for a project like this.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Golden Needles (1974)

Golden Needles (1974)-* *

Directed by: Robert Clouse

Starring: Joe Don Baker, Jim Kelly, Elisabeth Ashley, Ann Southern, Roy Chiao and Burgess Meredith













There is a statue that everyone is after, because inside it are the golden needles - acupuncture needles that, if placed in exactly the right spots on the body, can turn any man into a superman (according to the poster’s tagline, they can rule the world). Since Felicity (Ashley) isn’t willing to buy it for 250,000 dollars, she hires Dan (Baker), an adventurer based out of Hong Kong, to get it for her. He agrees, and brings on board his friend Jeff (Kelly) to help him out. But it’s not going to be easy, because everyone from Lin Toa (Chiao) to eccentric millionaire Winters (Meredith) is hot on the trail of this mysterious statue as well. Every trick in the book is used to obtain the statue, including inexplicable teams of guys in gold protective suits with flamethrowers torching where they think it is. Will Dan and Jeff prevail?

Man, we’re really getting tired of these PG-rated actioners. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with that rating, but you can’t really pull out all the stops. While there are some fights and some intrigue, and even some mild torture (inflicted on legendary actress Ann Sothern of all people), the film lacks drive and is filled with...well...filler.

For example, Jim Kelly is painfully underused here. He doesn’t show up until 47 minutes in, and does one very brief fight. Even the end credits say “Jim Kelly’s Fight Sequence Choreographed By Himself." Fight SEQUENCE? This really shouldn’t be in the singular. There should have been multiple Jim Kelly fight sequences. But we are treated to some Joe Don Baker-Fu, and it’s nice to see him looking so young, and, by his standards, vigorous.

While the film is shot very well and has a nice Lalo Schifrin score, and does have a cast of familiar faces, it’s really hard to overcome the slow pace. It would be perfect for a young kid who wants to see an action-type film, but it seems a kid would be bored by much of the proceedings. So the film is caught in a bind. Yes, it was directed by Robert Clouse, who has a lot of famous films to his credit, but Golden Needles was not released on VHS (at least not in America) during the heyday of the video store, so it never had a chance to become a cult classic. Not that it definitely would have, but it never even got a fighting chance. This happened a lot with AIP (American International Pictures, not Action International) movies. I don’t know if it was rights issues or just bad business practices, but a lot of their movies didn’t get the attention they deserved during the VHS era. This was just one of those casualties, it seems.

And, in the final analysis, despite the presence of Burgess Meredith and his awesome bowties, Golden Needles is Saturday afternoon stuff which left a lot to be desired and, sadly, is ultimately unsuccessful. It’s not without some merits, and we’ve seen much, MUCH worse, but ultimately it did not deliver the goods.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Getting Even (1986)

Getting Even (1986)-* * *

AKA: Hostage Dallas

Directed by: Dwight H. Little

Starring: Edward Albert, Audrey Landers, and Joe Don Baker














Here is the on-screen crawl viewers of Getting Even will read when they pop the tape into their VCR:

Afghanistan: The Spring

A new lethal weapon has been developed. It kills silently by ravaging the body. It is a poisonous gas that destroys the flesh. There is no known defense.

The U.S. Government has recruited the one man capable of capturing and disarming this weapon.

His mission: PROJECT VIPER

His name: TAGGAR

This describes the plot of Getting Even better than we possibly could. But there are a few other things this helpful intro left out. Taggar, or “Tag” for short (Albert) is a Bruce Wayne-like industrialist/adventurer from Dallas who wears power suits during the day while in his massive skyscraper, Taggar Enterprises, and at night travels with an elite band of special ops and gets into action-packed scenarios.

Taggar Enterprises specializes in “Chemicals, Robotics and Microtechnology”. Plus they have their own book, their building has a “TE” helipad for the official “TE” chopper, and they even have stylish “TE” jackets for their employees to wear in their downtime. Tag even zooms around in his rockin’ sports car with “TAG ENT” as the license plate. All this success must have really cheesed off rival Texan chemical researcher King Kenderson (Baker). He acts like a classic cowboy but deep down is an insecure man, constantly afraid of being labeled “a loser”. The flashy, capable and awesomely-named Taggar gets his goat so much, he steals canisters of the deadly gas weapon described above and threatens to release it over Dallas unless he gets fifty million dollars.

So, with the help of Paige Starson (Landers), Taggar snaps into action in a series of stunts, fights and chases in a variety of different vehicles in order to take down Kenderson and save Texas. Can he do it?

Here, Edward Albert throws his hat into a fairly crowded ring as another camouflage face-painted, rocket launcher-toting hero. He resembles a cross between Tom Selleck and Robert Goulet, and the whole affair is classic 80’s action fun. The plot is a bit bizarre, as rival chemical researchers battle for supremacy, but this different take makes Getting Even (not to be confused with the other Getting Even, 1988 with Harrison Muller, Jr.) worthwhile. The war between the suave city man and the “country bumpkin” is a tried-and-true “country mouse vs. city mouse” tale, but this one has lots of classic 80’s computers and a blasting theme song.

In the dialogue department, we get gems such as the shouted “Adios, Russkies!” during the opening action scene, and the ultimate moment in this film, or perhaps in all of Edward Albert’s career (and yes, I am aware we’re talking about Punchy himself) is when he yells at top volume and intensity, “KENDERSON!!!!!!!!!!” Great stuff. Great I tell you.

Perhaps the film is set in Dallas to try and capitalize on the popular TV show of the time, but with an eye on giving action fans a reason to visit that city. It seems Taggar would have fit in well on that show.

Released on VHS in the U.S. on Vestron, if you see it somewhere, pick up Getting Even.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Ring Of Steel (1994)

Ring Of Steel (1994)-* * *

Directed By: David Frost 

Starring: Joe Don Baker, Carol Alt, Darlene Vogel, Henry Brown, and Robert Chapin



"Death Has Just Become A Spectator Sport."








Allez: Ring Of Steel is classier-than-average direct to video fare. Just imagine the structure of a classic punchfighting movie (see: pretty much everything we’ve written) but instead of punchfighting, it is sword-fighting. Well, to be perfectly accurate, it's more like “fence-fighting”.

Alex Freyer (Chapin) is on top of the world: He’s a champion fencer on his way to Olympic gold, and he keeps his many fencing trophies right on his coffee table in the living room. He just met his new girlfriend at a fencing tourney, and his mullet is lookin’ awesome in the cool breeze. His dreams are shattered when his bouton breaks and his riposte goes horribly, horribly wrong, and he accidentally stabs his opponent in the eye, killing him.

Alex is depressed and contemplates throwing out his fencing outfit for good. One day Alex is walking down a dark alley at night (bad idea) and is about to be mugged by some local street toughs. For some reason, Joe Don Baker shows up in his limo and announces “I’ve been following you.” Why Joe Don didn’t show up at Alex’s house is unknown. He invites Freyer and his girlfriend Elena (Vogel) to his underground fence-fighting club. Like Alex’s mullet, it is a business in the front and an illegal fence-fighting party in the back.


In true Lone Tiger (1999) tradition, the big boss man says the hero is “The Best” and then proceeds to groom him to be "The Best”. Isn’t he already "The Best"? After Alex does a few exhibition matches, Elena balks and doesn’t want him to fight anymore. Naturally the bad guys kidnap her and force Alex to participate in an arbitrary number of matches before they release her.

Can he thrust and parry his way to freedom?

The main fencing baddie is a meathead who wears a “shirtless shirt” and who has wide array of not “Cosby Sweaters” but “Cosby Vests”. Baker plays “The Man In Black”. That’s his name in the movie. Baker is a kinder, gentler sort of baddie and black is quite slimming. His bodyguard looks like a cross between Allen Kalter and Robert Loggia and he makes funny faces.


Other notable characters include an overweight LARP’er who dreams of being a barbarian (imagine a live-action version of “Comic Book Guy” from The Simpsons). He stumbles into the wrong salle, and he unfortunately gets slain in real life. Alex makes a friend in the theatrical fencer Brian (Jim Pirri). When Shirtless Shirt kills him, Alex grieves the only way he can: fencing practice.

In all comes to a head when cops get wise to the “Ring Of Steel”. The final confrontation is basically in the same steam factory from Cobra (1986).

This is Chapin’s first role and he is more a fencer than an actor. When his character is not pretending to be a pirate, he is doing fan favorite yell “Noooooooo!”

Shout “En Garde” while you are watching this movie tonight!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett