No Rules (2005)

 

No Rules (2005)- * * * 

Directed By: Gerry Anderson

Starring: David Dunn, Dian Bachar, Anahit Minasyan, Randy Couture, Gary Busey, Philip Tan, Layzie Bone, Tom Sizemore, Sal Pacino, and Pamela Anderson 

Kurt Diamond (Dunn) is an MMA fighter from Jackson, Michigan. He and his sister Katie (Minasyan), and his trainer Grady (Bachar), are all dreaming of a better life. An opportunity comes when Kurt goes on a rampage after finding out Katie's boyfriend is an abusive drug dealer. After that violent confrontation, the trio flee to California. Seeking to get involved in the fight world on the west coast, Kurt turns up at House of Champions dojo. He notices immediately that they're using a logo that his famous fighting father Kain (Sizemore) always used. After a not-so-auspicious meeting with his father's former trainer Hino (Tan), he sees a flyer for an upcoming "Fight Party", and Kurt is on his way. But along the path to glory, he will have to face physical challenges - i.e., battling Mason (Couture) and his cult (yes, a cult; more on which later), but also the mental challenges of emotionally recovering from witnessing his parents' murder. He also wants to solve the murder, of course. Will Leroy Little (Busey) help him with this? All we know is that in the world of punching and kicking, there are, of course, NO RULES!




There's a lot to love about No Rules, and we might love it even more if we could actually see what was going on. All of the indoor scenes and/or night scenes are SO dark, we have to wonder if it was transferred to DVD incorrectly. Any scene in bright daylight is fine, if still a bit junky-looking, but that's not necessarily a problem. So now that we've registered our (all-too-common) complaint about the poor lighting, we can concentrate on what's good about No Rules.




ADVANCE WARNING: Going forward, should we use the words "stupid", "dumb", or some variation thereof, it is NOT to be taken as an insult. This may seem counterintuitive, but there is a shade of stupidity/dumbness that is, well, stupid, yes, but it's so earnest and enjoyable, you cannot use the word insultingly. No Rules has found that shade.




Kurt Diamond's fighting name is Diamond Boy. When ring announcers proclaim, "Kurt 'Diamond Boy' Diamond" is on the way, it does smack of a certain lack of creativity. Diamond Boy also has trouble saying the words "Santa Monica", so he may have been hit in the head one too many times.




A certain 2005 nostalgia may also be required to enjoy No Rules, as characters wearing Von Dutch shirts and hats are soundtracked to Limp Bizkit and Rage Against the Machine soundalikes. All that is stopped during any scene featuring, or about to feature, Philip Tan, so that stereotypically-Asian-sounding music can be heard.




Sometimes the stupidity is so all-encompassing it becomes dizzying, such as when a peacock walks by in the background of a scene for no reason, a slapfight breaks out a punk rock show featuring the band The Defects, or the endless parade of cameos that are fun to see, but also make you wonder why they're there or how the filmmakers got them to be involved in a bargain basement production like this. The presence of a few seconds of Pamela Anderson makes sense, because co-director/writer Gerry Anderson (presumably not the guy who did Thunderbirds) worked with her on some of her other projects, such as VIP, Stripperella, and Stacked, among others. Less explainable are Sal (not Al - Al's father) Pacino, and Kathy Pacino, Darryl "DMC" McDaniels, and Layzie Bone, not to mention a whole host of fight-world-associated people like Bruce Buffer, Gene LeBell and others. It all adds to the odd and quizzical vibe of the whole thing.




Perhaps they spent too much time gathering cameos, because the movie overall could have used more Sizemore and Busey. Busey doesn't even show up until 72 minutes in. That being said, another thing that sets No Rules apart from being a standard Puncher is that the Mason character is the leader of a cult of red-robed meatheads. They unenthusiastically chant sayings and other repetitions. We can honestly say we've never seen a meathead cult before, which was great, but not nearly enough was done with this idea. Same thing with the plot thread that Kain Diamond wrote detailed "fight books" that Kurt inherited - that look exactly like The Evil Dead's Necronomicon. Interesting ideas - not a lot of follow-through. But there are some lovably dumb fight scenes and questionable acting that power you along and take the place of those things. It's all a pretty heady brew.




So, because when any scene fades to black it really doesn't have very far to go, we're hoping that a digitally-brightened, remastered print of No Rules finds its way to Blu-ray soon. Should that ever happen, we believe it will find an audience and people will appreciate what's going on here. Unless and until that happens, we're afraid No Rules may just languish in the darkness of obscurity.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Phoenix (2023)

 

Phoenix (2023)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Daniel Zirilli 

Starring: Natalie Eva Marie, Neal McDonough, Bai Ling, Oleg Prudius, Chuck Zito, Jonathan Camp, and Randy Couture

Fiona Grant (Marie) is a very tough army Sergeant, teaching hand-to-hand combat in Afghanistan. When General Shackleton (McDonough) informs her that her father Everett (Couture) was found dead, he all but forces her to take a leave of absence, such is her dedication to the military. So Fiona, who is nicknamed "Phoenix" for reasons that become apparent later, returns to her hometown of Miami and begins her quest for justice and answers.


After her first order of business, dyeing her hair her trademark pink, she is then ready to take on the gang of Russian mobster Maxim Vasiliiv (Prudius), which includes Scavenger (Ling), among others. This syndicate of baddies is creatively named The Syndicate. Shackleton offers to help Fiona even though he's still back in Afghanistan. But Phoenix has local help: family friend Bullet (Zito) joins the fray, and her father's former bodyguard Artemis (Camp) is there too. Obviously it all comes down to the final fight between Fiona and Maxim...will this PHOENIX rise again?


Here's a pro tip before starting to watch Phoenix: just glue your face to your palm, because if you don't, that action will be repeated so often, you may injure your elbow. Or your face. And here's a warning as well: if you're going to watch Phoenix, you HAVE to like stupidity. You really have to enjoy watching stupid things, or you will not get the full benefit of what this film has to offer. Thankfully, we do, and the fun, humor, and charm of Phoenix quickly becomes apparent.

The opening shipping yard fight with Couture (there are a lot of establishing shots of shipping yards, as if that would somehow wow the viewers: "Cool! Look at all those shipping containers! Radical!") is highly ridiculous and has that "dumb" factor that makes the viewer say, "Uhhhh...." That sort of vibe does not let up from there on out, thankfully.


Another wise choice by the filmmakers was having Natalie Eva Marie be the main star and have her carry the film. Her flat affect is so flat, we've seen the EKG's of dead people that were less flat. However, it's important to understand that this is not an insult. We loved her performance and the movie as a whole is highly entertaining, mainly because of her. We hope to see more Marie in the future and we hope she doesn't ever change. You put her together with other master thespians like Bai Ling, Chuck Zito, and Randy Couture, plus English-as-a-second-language co-stars like Prudius, and it's all a 4th of July fireworks show of "bad" acting, non-acting, incomprehensible acting, amateur acting, flat acting, and the like. And we wouldn't want it any other way.


Presumably, director Zirilli was there while all of this was going on. So we as viewers can assume that all of this was what he wanted (?) He's been directing DTV action films for a while now so presumably that's the situation. In any case, it does appear that some time was spent on the fight and action scenes, which is what fans really are there for, which is what Zirilli must have thought. Of course, the hand-to-hand combat scenes are much better executed than the gun-shooting and blow-ups, which feature muzzle flashes, bullet hits, and fire gags that are home-computer level. But, at this point, let's just chuck all that into the mix and have a great time.


It's all wrapped up in a scant 82 minutes, which feels shorter because it's all so entertaining. Then the viewer is treated to the world's slowest end-credits crawl. You really have to see how slow this is to believe it. There's no shame whatsoever in having an 82 minute film. To us, that's a good thing and more movies should be that length. But it does appear the filmmakers were embarrassed by that for some reason. Either that or Tubi forced them to do it.


Joyous stupidity reigns supreme with Phoenix. We say watch it and have a great time.

Comeuppance Review by Ty and Brett

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!
 

The Hard Way (2019)

The Hard Way (2019)- * *

Directed by: Keoni Waxman

Starring: Michael Jai White, Luke Goss, George Remes, Grant Campbell, and Randy Couture

Payne (White) is just a humble bar owner in New York City who pays his bills, minds his business, and beats up gangsters that try to muscle in on his turf. When he gets word that his brother Cody (Campbell) was killed by baddies, Payne does the only sensible thing: he flies to Bucharest, Romania to get answers. 

While there, he links up with Cody's crimefighting partner Mason (Goss). Complicating matters are the fact that there is a psychotic baddie named Joe Vig (Remes) who is torturing and murdering people, including some of Payne's and Mason's beloved girls at the local strip club. Now they're mad and want revenge. But Briggs (Couture) may have something to say about that. Will things be done the Payne/Mason way, or...you guessed it...THE HARD WAY?

Not to be confused with The Hard Way (1989) with Miles O'Keeffe, or The Hard Way (1991) with James Woods and Michael J. Fox, or any other movie called The Hard Way, this particular Hard Way puts fan favorite Michael Jai White in a situation that isn't ideal.

The opening fight scene between White and the gangsters is fun, but then the film becomes much more dour and serious than it needs to be. White goes to Romania (of course it's Romania) and then a lull ensues. A lot of stupid, inane dialogue and an unengaging plot, unfortunately, also ensues. 

The Hard Way isn't great. It isn't eye-scratchingly awful either. It's just mediocre. It's watchable enough, we suppose, but you don't care about the characters as much as you should or could. There's nothing extraordinary going on here.

Of course, that doesn't dampen our fandom for Michael Jai White. He's by far the best thing here, but he can't overcome the deficiencies of plot and characterization. None of these weaknesses should come as a surprise from anyone who has seen anything else by director Waxman. 

He's made a lot of latter-day DTV outings with Seagal. 'Nuff said. His smartest move this time around was replacing his usual muse Seagal with White. But he needed to go further and make something audiences might actually care about. Lazily leaning on cliches like a crutch isn't going to win you any new fans and converts. It's long past time for Waxman to think outside the box, if he's capable of doing so. 

Goss is perfectly fine, if a bit bland, as the support. Toll Road himself, Couture, is here too. He has yet to set the acting world on fire (maybe because of his surprisingly high-pitched voice) like Dave Bautista, but maybe he's just not getting the right material.

Michael Jai White should be in another movie like Blood and Bone (2009) instead of undistinguished fare such as this. As The Hard Way is a Netflix Original Movie, they should have known that, and made something more catered to the fans, not to mention what White excels at.

So, The Hard Way is yet another middle-of-the-road modern-day DTV actioner. While it certainly had the potential to be something special, we didn't think it was anything to get excited about.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!

The Expendables 2 (2012)

The Expendables 2 (2012)-* * *1\2

Directed by: Simon West

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris Arnold Schwarznegger, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Jet Li, Liam Hemsworth, Charisma Carpenter, Randy Couture, Nan Yu, ALSO Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Scott Adkins



 "Let's wrap this up" - Vilain







 Barney Ross, Toll Road, Hale Caesar, Gunner, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang and of course TRENCH are back for another round of explosively awesome, over-the-top entertainment you just have to love. This time around, The Expendables are sent into Eastern Europe to get information leading to tons of  Cold War-era plutonium. The last thing they want is for this to get into the wrong hands. Towards that end, they recruit a young new Expendable, Billy the Kid (Hemsworth), a youthful veteran of the war in Afghanistan. As if the team wasn’t powerful enough, when Church (Willis) assigned this mission to them, he also sent along the highly competent Maggie (Nan). But things get complicated when they run into super-evil baddie Vilain (JCVD) and his equally nefarious sidekick Hector (Adkins). 

These two jerks are forcing an entire town to work in their plutonium mines. Without giving away any spoilers, let’s just say something happens that causes The Expendables to want REVENGE! And these are some dudes (and Maggie) that you DO NOT want on your bad side. Expendables away!

We were overjoyed to see the triumphant return of The Expendables. Thankfully, it was done right, which is rare for a sequel - but perhaps this isn’t any ordinary sequel. The writers stuck to the formulas that worked from the first film - what we would call “vehicles and oldies” (i.e. motorcycles, planes, trucks, etc. and songs such as Rare Earth’s “I Just Want To Celebrate” and The Rascals’ “It’s A Beautiful Morning”, among others) - but they smartly didn’t just rest there and they made new improvements such as a young Expendable and a female Expendable. Plus, to the delight of the audience, everything is just BIGGER. Bigger guns, bigger explosions, bigger action setpieces, and a massive body count.  Plus we get more Trench and Church than ever before. So it would be like a master pastry chef making one of his classic cakes, but adding more frosting. You can’t hope for better in a sequel.

While most missions into hostile territory shun violence unless it is absolutely necessary, what’s so great about The Expendables is that they execute their missions with the maximum amount of violence. Just look at the opening raid (which both films have - but this new one is better. For example, their truck says “Bad Attitude” and “Shock and Awe” on it. So there). But this amount of ultra-violence would be a lot tougher to take if the film didn’t have a healthy dose of humor. 

We said everything is bigger this time, and that includes the laughs. There are a lot of truly funny moments, and the men involved even mock themselves at certain points. It looked like everyone involved was having fun, and that sense is extremely infectious and winning. Van Damme surely relished being the baddie, which he rarely portrays. He was perfectly cast as the arrogant Eurotrash guy. And seeing Stallone and JCVD fight - on the big screen no less - was a treat. 

Most action movies have one good one-liner, if you’re lucky. The Expendables 2 is chock full of them. And Stallone continues his streak of giving his characters great names - the “kid” in the movie is “Billy the Kid” and again without subtlety, the villain is named Vilain. As far as Nan Yu’s character, Maggie, we think Stallone might have gotten her confused with Maggie Q. Or possibly Maggie Cheung.

Of course, the whole thing is a complete adolescent male fantasy blown up on the big screen.  But that’s the genius of The Expendables. It taps into the male brain in an extremely effective way. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. As an added bonus, the take-away message of the movie is that “Violence DOES solve problems”. 

Which happens to be true, but is considered politically incorrect in today’s wimpy climate. So the movie has guts, brains and heart, and has plenty of “YES!” moments to boot. And the fact that The Expendables are getting REVENGE just sweetens the deal even more. Now that we’ve given the movie its due props, we have to mention two minor quibbles. The usage of CGI during some of the bullet hits makes it look like a video game at times, and some of the in-jokey humor goes too close to the irony edge for our liking. 

But it’s all in good fun, and, taken as a whole, those small grievances pale into nothing. If the movie didn’t deliver, those complaints would have more merit, but it does deliver, so, we’re more than willing to let them go.

It pretty much goes without saying at this point, but we LOVED The Expendables 2. We applaud everyone involved for doing 99% of everything right, and unquestionably delivering the goods that fans want. It’s a proud moment for the cast, for the crew, and for America. Long live The Expendables!

Also check out reviews from our buddies The Video Vaccum, Explosive Action, and Freddie Young.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Expendables (2010)

The Expendables (2010)-* * *1\2

Directed by: Sylvester Stallone

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Eric Roberts, Jet Li, Steve Austin, Gary Daniels, Giselle Itié, Dolph Lundgren, David Zayas, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger














The Expendables is the most macho movie ever made. From the metallic-looking credits on down, the screen pretty much oozes testosterone.

Barney Ross, Lee Christmas, Yin Yang, Toll Road, Hale Caesar, and Gunner Jensen (Stallone, Statham, Li, Couture, Crews, and Lundgren respectively) are an underground A-Team of sorts who go all over the world doing the hard jobs that no other teams of mercenaries will do. When it is discovered that evil South American dictator General Garza (Zayas) is a puppet for rogue CIA agent James Munroe (Roberts), the team are sent in to clean up the mess (i.e. create a bigger mess by creating countless deaths and explosions) by a mysterious man named Mr. Church (Willis).

When Barney falls in love with the dictator's daughter Sandra (Giselle Itié) and she is kidnapped by the Munroe's goons The Brit (Daniels) and the very imposing Dan Paine (Austin)... get ready to party like it's 1986 as The Expendables hearkens back to the glory days of action cinema. Even Stallone's vehicles (car and plane) are reminiscent of the classic Cobra (1986), as are Garza's soldiers. 

Roberts plays the slimy Munroe with aplomb. He gets the classic final villain speech we all want to hear. Let's not forget our favorite governor Arnold: He is basically the comic relief with his jokey cameo and prerequisite funny name (Trench). It would have been fun to see Willis character to return one more time to angrily bellow "This wasn't part of the deal!" or some line like that but sadly, that is not to be.

We're so used to seeing these faces on the small screen, it was a real treat to see them in the theater. They truly deserve it. Eric Roberts, Dolph Lundgren and Gary Daniels in the same scene? Oh yeah! We also get to see a one-on-one fight between Dolph and Jet Li for the first time ever. And Gary Daniels vs. Jet Li and Statham. In the theater!



The pairings of all the different fan-favorites is pretty mind-boggling. Of course, with an international cast such as this it becomes hard to understand what some of them are saying - when Stallone and Li talk it's hard to understand, and when Couture talks you don't want to understand. But to counteract his Dale "Apollo" Cook-style delivery, we have Mickey Rourke on hand as the token "good actor" who gets a heartfelt monologue. For a movie with so many characters, it was very well done how each got a nice backstory and it never got confusing at all.




God bless Stallone - he couldn't have delivered this at a better time. What the world needs now is more tough, take-no-prisoners action. Not more sissy junk involving "facebook". This movie is the antidote to "Eat Pray Love". To quote The Simpsons, this is more like "Beat Slay Shove". Another good thing about the movie is it has no stupid kids or teenagers. 

When Jason Statham is the YOUNGEST person in the group, we get mature, professional action. Stallone is known for giving his characters funny names and here he really goes to town. You thought Driven's Joe "The Hummer" Tanto was funny...He also includes another of his trademarks - ripped from the headlines topicality. Like the plot of Rambo III (1988) involving Afghanistan, here we have Somali pirates and a clear analogue to crimson-shirted cretin Hugo Chavez.



If there is a downside to The Expendables, it is the use of CGI. CGI sucks and it takes away from the old-school feel we love. It's not entirely dependent on it, but when it was there, we felt it was unwelcome.

Back in the golden age, any one of the cast members could have sold a movie. It is a sad comment on movies today that it took a ton of producers and EVERY major action star just to get the project off the ground. How can they top this if they want to do it again?

It has all the clichés we know and love, just on a bigger scale. Abandoned warehouses, neck-snapping the villains, the line "we've got company", exploding guard towers and many, many more. The first 20 lines said by our heroes (and throughout the film) are fun clichés and soundbites. This isn't a complaint. Perhaps a certain appreciation for action movies is needed to truly understand what's going on here. Anyone who trashes this movie simply doesn't get action movies or their significance. They should go back to poking Twi-hards on facebook, or some such moronic twaddle.




Truly a movie for the fans, The Expendables delivers the goods with a once-in-a-lifetime cast. See it!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Today You Die (2005)

Today You Die (2005) -* * *

Directed By: Don E. FauntLeRoy

Starring: Steven Seagal, Kevin Tighe, Anthony "Treach" Criss, Robert Miano, Mari Marrow, Nick Mancuso, James Lew, Randy Couture, and Chloe Moretz










 

Today You Die is another ridiculous action film from Seagal.

"Harlan Banks" (Seagal) gets a job as a getaway driver for a big casino heist. It turns sour and Harlan goes to jail. In the slammer he meets Ice Cool (Treach, duh) who can help him escape. Meanwhile the brains behind the casino heist think Harlan has the stolen money. When Harlan escapes he dishes out some revenge to the bad guys.

There are many unintentional moments of comedy and here some of the standouts:

1. When Seagal jumps on a chandelier and kicks a goon 20 feet.

2. When Seagal does any fighting they don't show it.(The stunt doubles do all the work).

3. The glaring continuity errors. He punches a guy in a brown coat and then it switches to a black one. He also wears the same button down blue jacket as in Submerged (2005). He refuses to take off his jacket while in prison with Ice Cool. He is the only guy in the entire prison NOT wearing the traditional prison garb.

Here's also a line from the movie: Seagal's girlfriend to Seagal on the phone-: "Why are you whispering?" Genius!



Besides that, Treach and Stevie have some chemistry and the movie is action-packed. See it if you still like Seagal.



Comeuppance Review by: Ty