Return Fire: Jungle Wolf II (1988)

Return Fire: Jungle Wolf II (1988)-* * *1\2

Directed by: Neil Callaghan

Starring: Ron Marchini, Adam West, Dax Nicholas, and D.W. Landingham













The living legend, Ron Marchini, returns for his most enjoyable movie to date!

Steve Parrish (The Marchster) returns home to the San Francisco area after his many travails fighting in Central America. All he wants to do is see his young son Zak (Nicholas). However, gang boss Petroli (Landingham) has it out for Parrish. He sends all the baldest, fattest, oldest goons after Parrish to exterminate him. But Parrish is one...clever...man. Somehow they manage to kidnap Zak, so Parrish teams up with his love interest Teri (Lynn O'Brien) to fight the baddies and save Zak. Shortly after that,  he finds Zak and they team up to take on the bad guys! Also, corrupt government agent Carruthers (West) has his own stake in both the fates of Petroli and Parrish. Where do his true loyalties lie?

Return Fire: Jungle Wolf II is way, way more entertaining and fun than it has any right to be. It's fast paced, almost in spite of itself. The movie kicks off with a bang with the rockin' tune "Return Fire" (seemingly a knockoff of Dokken's "Into the Fire") over a montage of clips from the first Jungle Wolf (1986). Before you can say "30% New Footage", we're thrown into an inexplicably long action/chase scene with absolutely no explanation of what's going on or why any of this is happening. Also, as if that wasn't enough Marchini gives some deadpan narration (just in the beginning of the film, and written by Paul Kyriazi) which doesn't really help matters. If anything, it confuses them further. Then there's another montage to another fist-pumping rocker ("Fight to the Finish", both songs by the band Gunslinger) as Carruthers leaves an answering machine message!

The pacing and structuring of the film, as well as the non-acting, gives the impression it was made by children with no formal moviemaking experience. No matter, just throw a hammy Adam West into the mix and you truly have a recipe for insanity. How could it NOT be totally insane?

Marchini bellows "Where's my boy??!!!???!!" with more enthusiasm than ever before, and, the first half of the movie at least,  predates Ransom (1996) by eight years. The whole movie has a screw loose and this is further compounded by the absurd music cues. They blare on at inappropriate times and feel very Scooby-Doo-ish. (Isn't the name "Old Man Carruthers" even from Scooby-Doo?)I think they were lifted from such TV classics as Adam-12 or The Rockford Files.

Sure, it has some classic cliches as Carruthers saying to Parrish "We go back a long way", Parrish going on "one last mission" and the famous abandoned warehouse, Petroli's hideout. Landingham gives his best-ever performance as Petroli. Sadly, Landingham passed away this past June in his and Marchini's hometown of Stockton, CA where a majority of this film, and other Marchini classics, were lensed.

It all comes to a head in an "urban western" style in a dusty village. A genuinely interesting plot point is that Parrish and his son, who looks like he is about ten years old, team up to fight their enemies as if they were adult equals. The elder Parrish gives his tot grenades, bombs and guns without a single word of warning. He must be superdad. They even dress alike (yellow shirt and tan pants...we assume it's the same yellow shirt Marchini wore in Forgotten Warrior (1986), making another appearance. It's his action shirt, evidently.)

Sadly, this is director Callaghan's only directorial effort. What could he have created had he been able to continue? For that nutty feeling only AIP movies can provide, Return Fire: Jungle Wolf II delivers the goods in spades.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Night of the Kickfighters (1988)

Night of the Kickfighters (1988)-* * * *

Directed By: Buddy Reyes

Starring: Andy Bauman, Carel Struycken, Michelangelo Kowalski, and Adam West


"They've got their own way of taking out terrorists. Hit them hard. Hit them fast. Hit them after dark!"









Ladies and Gentlemen, we've discovered a new classic for the ages. Reaching new, heretofore-unthinkable heights of pure, unadulterated silliness, Night of the Kickfighters is a must-see!

Andy Bauman, in his only role to date (disregard the outright lies on the box art, claiming he is in the fake movies "Ninja 2", "Ninja 3" and "Night Kill", also Bauman's face is put on some other meathead's body, for reasons unknown) portrays Bret Crady, a bargain-basement James Bond who spends most of his time doing Tai-Chi in his underwear on a bearskin rug.

The "action" starts in "Musquat, Oman" and then quickly moves to "Scottsdale, Arizona". Note the quotes, as seen in the film. Are they not really there? In "Scottsdale", in a big office tower, which is in no way a miniature, businessman, entrepreneur and laser fanatic Carl McMann (West) is showing off his awesome new laser, called the HC 2000, not to be confused with TC 2000 (1993), to some investors. This laser, which the plot revolves around, makes the classic laser noise "pew pew". See: Neon City (1991). This laser is the best invention ever invented and it can make rocks and toy tanks disappear, but has no effect on Adam West. Naturally, bad guys the world over want this "secret weapon", so they kidnap McCann's daughter, claiming "your daughter will be dust". Naturally, McCann turns to Bret Crady to rectify the situation.



Crady assembles a team with their own special skills. Clea is good with computers, Sock is the black guy, Bomber (Kowalski) is the "heavy metal" inventor dude with long hair and cool hat, Aldo is a magician and speaks with a theatrical baritone not unlike Sideshow Mel from The Simpsons, and an Asian man who is a law enforcement officer of some kind. No criminal syndicate could withstand this amazing team. Not even if they have overgrown bald man Ponti (Struycken).

Will Andy and his team use his Bauman-Fu to save the world?

Night of the Kickfighters (even the title makes no sense, why one night? What Kickfighters? Another tagline claims "Kickfighting like you've never seen it before!" Why do they think I've seen it before? What Kickfighting? WHAT'S GOING ON??!!??!), is like the movie equivalent of a clumsily fumbled football. It is chock full of stilted non-acting and non-action. Bauman makes Ron Marchini look like Sir John Gielgud. Imagine Marchini's immortal "Can I help you guys?" line from Karate Cop (1991), but that flat, unaffected delivery is EVERY LINE. Most of the cast just looks utterly confused. And who can blame them, with all the crazy voices and ADR, silly miniatures, stock footage, plot insanity, stock PICTURES, jagged editing, etc., etc. To say this film is nonsensical is an injustice to the word.

Adam West, head of "McMann enterprises", puts in a strange performance. We suspect he was paid by the word, as in some scenes he just stands there limply. Any scene where he is on the phone is clearly not him talking.



The scene at the "Fantasy Club" is so dumb, we're, well...dumbstruck. 75% of the movie takes place in an underground parking garage. Someone turns on a hose and in the next cut they are neck-deep in water. One of the many guards engages in combat with an inflatable dinosaur. Out of all the things special-ops soldiers can bring to a mission, clearly this is the handiest. 

Characters come back after they are supposedly dead, and characters are still talking on the phone after they both have hung up. Laser effects need to be seen to be believed. Bauman trains by lying on a bed of nails and has people smash cinderblocks on his chest. Bauman's use of nunchuks recalls Clash of the Ninjas (1986). We could go on and on and on, but you need to see this yourself. Trust us, we've barely scratched the surface. We've given away nothing.

Ending on a weirdly and inappropriately sad note, Night of the Kickfighters piles total insanity on top of total incompetence, for a cocktail of sheer amazement. The four stars are for the unabashed entertainment value, and isn't that what movies are all about? BUY IT TODAY! You won't be disappointed.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett & Ty

Omega Cop (1990)

Omega Cop (1990)-* * *

Directed By: Paul Kyriazi

Starring: Ron Marchini, Stuart Whitman, Troy Donahue, D.W. Landingham, Chuck Katzakian, Francisco Ramirez, and Adam West





"The year is 1999...John Travis is the toughest cop alive...he is the ONLY cop alive!"







Starting with some very funny Adam West narration about global warming (written by West himself), we are first introduced to the crazy world of John Travis (Marchini), whose saga even extends to another movie, Karate Cop (1991).



Travis is part of a team of aptly-named "Special Police" run by Prescott (West). They patrol the post-apocalyptic wasteland while listening to incredibly catchy Beach Boys-type songs, and fight the scavs, who are homeless baddies. When called to break up an auction of slave women (Marchini must have a fetish for bondage as he himself is tied up in both this film and Forgotten Warrior), his team, including a guy who resembles a bulked-up Dave Coulier, are shot and killed. Thus leaving Travis as...wait for it...THE ONLY COP ALIVE!

Travis's trademark weapon is a bunch of pipes barely held together by electrical tape, meant to be some sort of multi-barreled shotgun. He is put in charge of the safety of two women, causing him to say in his trademarked deadpan monotone: "I feel like Mother Goose." Their hideout is a baseball dugout, which is apparently immune from radiation of any kind. Travis's goal is to defeat the dastardly Wraith (Chuck Katzakian, the head crime boss in Death Machines) and try to bring the girls to Montana where there is apparently fresh air and water. Will Travis succeed or die trying?



If you printed the word "silly" onto a piece of film, it wouldn't be nearly as silly as Omega Cop. The scavs have funny, nonsensical makeup and Wraith looks 75 years old, and is draped in leather. A major plot point in the movie is Travis's hat. He spies a punk scav wearing his "Special Police" cap and says: "That-guy-has-my-hat". (Remember the monotone.)



For some reason Troy Donahue and Stuart Whitman are on hand to class up the movie, but in actuality, are further muddying their careers. One feels especially bad for Whitman, in his role as a doctor. He is forced to wear ridiculous makeup and spout inane dialogue about the environment.

Like Mickey Rooney in Maximum Force (1992) and Joe Estevez in Money To Burn (1996), Adam West never leaves his one room set. He never talks to Marchini face-to-face.

West's one-roomer is welcome but the movie could've used more West antics. He says he can't leave the room because of "Solar Flares". Very convenient. His bolo tie and mullet are not enough.

Omega Cop is a supremely wacky, fun, bizarre, Marchini triumph for the ages!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett