Return Fire: Jungle Wolf II (1988)

Return Fire: Jungle Wolf II (1988)-* * *1\2

Directed by: Neil Callaghan

Starring: Ron Marchini, Adam West, Dax Nicholas, and D.W. Landingham













The living legend, Ron Marchini, returns for his most enjoyable movie to date!

Steve Parrish (The Marchster) returns home to the San Francisco area after his many travails fighting in Central America. All he wants to do is see his young son Zak (Nicholas). However, gang boss Petroli (Landingham) has it out for Parrish. He sends all the baldest, fattest, oldest goons after Parrish to exterminate him. But Parrish is one...clever...man. Somehow they manage to kidnap Zak, so Parrish teams up with his love interest Teri (Lynn O'Brien) to fight the baddies and save Zak. Shortly after that,  he finds Zak and they team up to take on the bad guys! Also, corrupt government agent Carruthers (West) has his own stake in both the fates of Petroli and Parrish. Where do his true loyalties lie?

Return Fire: Jungle Wolf II is way, way more entertaining and fun than it has any right to be. It's fast paced, almost in spite of itself. The movie kicks off with a bang with the rockin' tune "Return Fire" (seemingly a knockoff of Dokken's "Into the Fire") over a montage of clips from the first Jungle Wolf (1986). Before you can say "30% New Footage", we're thrown into an inexplicably long action/chase scene with absolutely no explanation of what's going on or why any of this is happening. Also, as if that wasn't enough Marchini gives some deadpan narration (just in the beginning of the film, and written by Paul Kyriazi) which doesn't really help matters. If anything, it confuses them further. Then there's another montage to another fist-pumping rocker ("Fight to the Finish", both songs by the band Gunslinger) as Carruthers leaves an answering machine message!

The pacing and structuring of the film, as well as the non-acting, gives the impression it was made by children with no formal moviemaking experience. No matter, just throw a hammy Adam West into the mix and you truly have a recipe for insanity. How could it NOT be totally insane?

Marchini bellows "Where's my boy??!!!???!!" with more enthusiasm than ever before, and, the first half of the movie at least,  predates Ransom (1996) by eight years. The whole movie has a screw loose and this is further compounded by the absurd music cues. They blare on at inappropriate times and feel very Scooby-Doo-ish. (Isn't the name "Old Man Carruthers" even from Scooby-Doo?)I think they were lifted from such TV classics as Adam-12 or The Rockford Files.

Sure, it has some classic cliches as Carruthers saying to Parrish "We go back a long way", Parrish going on "one last mission" and the famous abandoned warehouse, Petroli's hideout. Landingham gives his best-ever performance as Petroli. Sadly, Landingham passed away this past June in his and Marchini's hometown of Stockton, CA where a majority of this film, and other Marchini classics, were lensed.

It all comes to a head in an "urban western" style in a dusty village. A genuinely interesting plot point is that Parrish and his son, who looks like he is about ten years old, team up to fight their enemies as if they were adult equals. The elder Parrish gives his tot grenades, bombs and guns without a single word of warning. He must be superdad. They even dress alike (yellow shirt and tan pants...we assume it's the same yellow shirt Marchini wore in Forgotten Warrior (1986), making another appearance. It's his action shirt, evidently.)

Sadly, this is director Callaghan's only directorial effort. What could he have created had he been able to continue? For that nutty feeling only AIP movies can provide, Return Fire: Jungle Wolf II delivers the goods in spades.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Omega Cop (1990)

Omega Cop (1990)-* * *

Directed By: Paul Kyriazi

Starring: Ron Marchini, Stuart Whitman, Troy Donahue, D.W. Landingham, Chuck Katzakian, Francisco Ramirez, and Adam West





"The year is 1999...John Travis is the toughest cop alive...he is the ONLY cop alive!"







Starting with some very funny Adam West narration about global warming (written by West himself), we are first introduced to the crazy world of John Travis (Marchini), whose saga even extends to another movie, Karate Cop (1991).



Travis is part of a team of aptly-named "Special Police" run by Prescott (West). They patrol the post-apocalyptic wasteland while listening to incredibly catchy Beach Boys-type songs, and fight the scavs, who are homeless baddies. When called to break up an auction of slave women (Marchini must have a fetish for bondage as he himself is tied up in both this film and Forgotten Warrior), his team, including a guy who resembles a bulked-up Dave Coulier, are shot and killed. Thus leaving Travis as...wait for it...THE ONLY COP ALIVE!

Travis's trademark weapon is a bunch of pipes barely held together by electrical tape, meant to be some sort of multi-barreled shotgun. He is put in charge of the safety of two women, causing him to say in his trademarked deadpan monotone: "I feel like Mother Goose." Their hideout is a baseball dugout, which is apparently immune from radiation of any kind. Travis's goal is to defeat the dastardly Wraith (Chuck Katzakian, the head crime boss in Death Machines) and try to bring the girls to Montana where there is apparently fresh air and water. Will Travis succeed or die trying?



If you printed the word "silly" onto a piece of film, it wouldn't be nearly as silly as Omega Cop. The scavs have funny, nonsensical makeup and Wraith looks 75 years old, and is draped in leather. A major plot point in the movie is Travis's hat. He spies a punk scav wearing his "Special Police" cap and says: "That-guy-has-my-hat". (Remember the monotone.)



For some reason Troy Donahue and Stuart Whitman are on hand to class up the movie, but in actuality, are further muddying their careers. One feels especially bad for Whitman, in his role as a doctor. He is forced to wear ridiculous makeup and spout inane dialogue about the environment.

Like Mickey Rooney in Maximum Force (1992) and Joe Estevez in Money To Burn (1996), Adam West never leaves his one room set. He never talks to Marchini face-to-face.

West's one-roomer is welcome but the movie could've used more West antics. He says he can't leave the room because of "Solar Flares". Very convenient. His bolo tie and mullet are not enough.

Omega Cop is a supremely wacky, fun, bizarre, Marchini triumph for the ages!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Karate Cop (1991)

Karate Cop (1991)-* * 1\2

Directed By: Alan Roberts

Starring: Ron Marchini, David Carradine, Michael Foley, and D.W. Landingham




"Martial Law At Its Most Lethal!"









Karate Cop is the creme de la creme of crud. It is so incredibly bad, it is hard to fathom. You gotta love it! (or do you?)

This is a sequel to the previous year's Omega Cop (1990) also featuring Marchini as John Travis, the last cop on earth. There must have been a public outcry for more "Marchini Madness". Thankfully he answered the call.

When this installment begins, some baddies are chasing two women. Right when they are closing in, John Travis appears and says a classic introductory line: (Read in the most flat monotonous tone you can) "Can I help you guys?" You hear people at fast food joints deliver that line with more passion and conviction.

It appears Travis is the last cop in a post-apocalyptic world. You can tell because his homemade (?) hat proudly announces he is "Special Police". Special indeed. He's hiding out in an abandoned warehouse of course. He's there with a woman named Rachel and a gaggle of children. In the future innocent tots are called "Freebies" and the baddies are called "Scavs" (not to be confused with Neon City (1991) where the baddies are called "Skins".) The head of the Scavs is a portly man named Lincoln (Landingham) who resembles a sillier version of Accept's Udo Dirkschneider, and his right-hand man is named "Snaker" who has a very irritating and loud voice. It already grates on your nerves the moment you hear him. Just imagine "Jar-Jar Binks" yelling into 5 megaphones.


In order to save the Freebies, Travis must find a magic crystal that powers a Star Trek-like teleporting device. The plan is to teleport them to Oregon because apparently the apocalypse hasn't yet reached Oregon. Before that can happen, Travis has to battle through "Trade Town" and fight the Scavs. We don't know how far "Trade Town" is from Oregon. But it must be pretty far. Luckily, "If anyone can make it, it's John Travis!" Along his magical journey, he has to defuse a bomb that doesn't go off and stops at a roadside diner run by "Dad" played by David Carradine. The only thing they serve there is something called "Jacky Rabbit Stew". "Dad" gives Travis a big bowl of it, and he refuses to choke it down, and a fight ensues.


 Meanwhile, Rachel is kidnapped and held captive by Lincoln. Lincoln passes the time watching cage fighting matches. Whoever wins the cage fight gets Rachel as the prize. Travis has to rescue her from the clutches of the biggest meanest scav in town who wins all the cage fighting matches. Unfortunately Lincoln's compound is guarded by guys in used sporting equipment with spray-painted football helmets. Travis invades the compound and more fights ensue. Will Travis put the crystal in the teleporter in order to ship the freebies to Oregon, or will Lincoln win out?

One of the most annoying aspects about the movie is that Travis is very unlikable. He whines and complains about every single task he has to do, most of which ends with the phrase "she said". For example, "It will be easy she said, diffuse the bomb she said" etc. Thusly the audience never gets behind him as a hero we can believe in. He comes off as a jerk. Also, he seems a bit old to be capering around in "Trade Town". He looks like he is in his fifties. His "Special Police" cap is probably there to hide his balding head. Maybe that explains all the complaining. His acting makes Chuck Norris look like a master thespian. His delivery is more wooden than a lumber yard. It must be hard to make a futuristic sci-fi epic with no budget. They spent it all on Carradine and the hat. His best moment is when he jumps off a building and goes "AAAAhhh!!!!!"



After all this ridiculousness, the end credits feature an R&B slow jam extolling the virtues of The Karate Cop.

Ron Marchini is a national treasure and so is this VHS tape. Find it today!


Comeuppance Review by: Ty & Brett