Gridlock (1996)

 

Gridlock (1996)- * * *

Directed by: Sandor Stern

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Kathy Ireland, Gotz Otto, Tony De Santis, and Marc Strange

"Jake Gorsky's got a habit of doing things his own way." - Captain Bane

Jake Gorsky (The Hoff) is a man you want on your side. As a fearless helicopter pilot for the NYPD's Armed Air Patrol, he flies through the New York skies stopping crime wherever he sees it. This Helicop, or Chop-Cop if you prefer, is a man who plays by his own rules and is always getting grief from his superiors, such as Captain Bane (De Santis), for his rogue ways. Yet he always gets the job done. His father Joe Gorsky (Strange) is his (White Yelling) Chief, but because they're a father-son team, it's quite the family affair.

Jake Gorsky is on the outs with his longtime girlfriend Michele (Ireland) because he's too dedicated to saving lives and protecting the city, so she feels neglected. Despite her seemingly selfish ways, Gorsky is trying to salvage what remains of the relationship. Because she's a tour guide at the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, which is probably a job that someone could have, when evil baddies take over the bank so they can steal gold and money, Michele is inside the building and Jake tries to save her. 

Thanks to the fact that she takes Karate classes, Michele has fighting abilities and the two of them take on Mr. One (Fernandes), Mr. Two (Otto), and Misters Three-Twelve. Of course, there may also a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top...in this case, to the skies! Will Jake Gorsky and Michele thwart those dastardly gold-stealin' baddies? Or will their relationship be stuck in GRIDLOCK? Find out today!


It's Die Hard (1988) in a bank - or should we say Die Hard With a Vengeance (1995) in a bank - but it's starring HASSELHOFF, dude! Hasselhoff has "it" - that indefinable star quality that makes someone compulsively watchable onscreen. Everyone has already seen Die Hard and its immediate sequels a million times before. So why waste time re-watching them when you can watch Gridlock instead? Mr. 'Hoff maneuvers in an elevator shaft on top of the elevator. He shimmies down a building using a roll-out fire hose. He cracks wise. A team of typically-Eurotrash baddies tries to get him, and their leader warns them that he, and I quote, "won't tolerate any mistakes". (This is even before they make any mistakes. This is pre-No More Mistakes).


Gridlock features Kathy Ireland in a gold vault. In Crackerjack 2 (1997), we had Carol Alt in the vault (which could be a series for kids in its own right. It could be like Elf on the Shelf) before we all reached the eventual Financial Planning Train Ride. It's a way to get our heroes where they need to be. Questions are raised. Such as, why does a bank have a fresh produce closet and a full, restaurant-sized kitchen? We're glad this movie exists.


In Skyscraper (1996), Carrie Wink (Anna Nicole Smith) was a helicopter pilot who quickly gets embroiled in a "Die Hard in a Building" scenario. She would have made a perfect match with Jake Gorsky. But Gorsky has a lot on his mind, what with bombs going off in New York City in a pre-9/11 world. But Michele doesn't seem all that sympathetic to his outright heroism. 

While there are plenty of exterior shots of NYC throughout the film, it was, perhaps unsurprisingly, shot in Canada. Canadian production companies were involved. That's not especially surprising, seeing as it's the home country of director Sandor Stern. That name will be familiar to fans of retro television and classic TV movies, which is where Stern spent the entirety of his long and fruitful career, with the exception of the standout theatrical feature Pin: A Plastic Nightmare (1988), which is a film well worth seeking out.

So we've got Kathy Ireland-Fu, the unique idea that the WYC is the father of the main hero, and Hasselhoff galore. All of the above is set to a noteworthy score by one Amin Bhatia, which helps to keep things buoyant. While the baddies are all named after numbers (Mr. One, Mr. Two, etc.), which is clearly a variant on the color-based baddie names in Reservoir Dogs (1992), if we have one real complaint about Gridlock it's that there's not enough Gotz Otto. As confirmed Gotz fans, we would have liked to have seen him do more. As Mr. Two, he's there, but that's about it. He should have been Mr. One.

Not to be confused with the Tim Roth and Tupac film Gridlock'd (1997), Gridlock was released by Platinum Disc here in America. Because it's a telefilm, the body count and violence levels are quite low, but your spirits will likely remain high thanks to unabashed Hasselhoffisms and hilariously blatant ripoffery. While not without its problems, we recommend Gridlock largely for the Hasselhoff factor (which should be a TV talk show), especially for fans of the DieHardInA subgenre.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty
 

The Final Alliance (1990)

The Final Alliance (1990)- * * *

Directed by: Mario DiLeo

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Jeanie Moore, Bo Hopkins, and John Saxon



“I’ve been shot before. I survived. You won’t.”- Will Colton







Will Colton (The Hoff) is a man who swears by his awesome hat, beard stubble, mullet, tight jeans, cowboy boots and jacket. He also has a pet puma named Felix. He returns to his old hometown of Goldcrest, and begins fixing up his old homestead. However, that does not sit well with the local biker gang, called The Vipers. Through their forceful intimidation tactics and a frightened populace (of only 3000 people), The Vipers run Goldcrest. It’s also because the leader of the gang, an albino named Ghost (Saxon) has a corrupt relationship with the Sheriff, Whistler (Hopkins). 

So it’s up to Will Colton to clean up this town, with the help of new love Carrie (Moore). As if that wasn’t enough, an event in Colton’s past drives him to get revenge on The Vipers. Will he succeed?

Hasselhoff should have been in more movies like this. It plays to all of his strengths.  He even runs in slow motion at one point. The Final Alliance is a lot of fun, though it’s nothing, plotwise, you haven’t seen before. The “stranger comes to town and cleans up said town” has been around since time immemorial and if you’ve seen Walking Tall: The Payback, Nowhere To Run, Street Corner Justice, Radical Jack, and Fire Down Below, among many other possible examples, you’ll know what we’re talking about. It’s all very David Heavener-esque (let’s not forget to add Outlaw Force to the list), but somehow, someway, The Hoff makes it work. Just as he unfailingly has done for his entire career.

Casting John Saxon, a man of Italian descent, as an albino was certainly an interesting choice. The role seemed tailor-made for Richard Lynch, but perhaps he wasn’t available. Saxon’s ghoulish appearance adds something to the overall feeling. Bo Hopkins also puts in an inspired performance (read: insane) and he yells most of his lines. It’s truly a pleasure to watch Saxon, Hopkins and Hasselhoff in this outing. It doesn’t get much better than The Hoff as a former mercenary with a proficiency in booby traps.

There are the time-honored stand-bys such as the abandoned warehouse fight and barfight, and the fact that this movie is from 1990 and shot in a foreign country is evident pretty much all the time. Prime examples include plenty of stonewashed denim, Hoff’s first nemesis is a dude in a Manowar half-shirt, the town has a combination general store/video store (complete with posters for The Untouchables, among others), graffiti on the walls says “Dead People Are Cool” (???) and the word “Tobacco” is spelled incorrectly on another sign in the small town, which feels very much like a Western set. And of course, the sax on the soundtrack.

Director DiLeo has fashioned an entertaining, if incredibly undemanding romp that’s not to be taken too seriously. While we’re not exactly sure what “the final alliance” refers to in the saga of Will Colton, you’ll be pretty much guaranteed a night of silly fun if you can find this VHS.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Bail Out (1989)

Bail Out (1989)-* *
AKA: W.B., Blue and the Bean

Directed by: Max Kleven

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Linda Blair, John Vernon, Gregory Scott Cummins, George "Buck" Flower, and Danny Trejo




Bail Out is a silly action/adventure/comedy which isn't very funny, at least not intentionally. The original title "W.B., Blue and the Bean" (which appears after the end credits, while "Bail Out" is the title in the opening credits. Did they forget to change it?) should give some indication of the movie's intentions.

Roger "White Bread" Donaldson (or W.B. for short) (The Hoff) is a part-time tennis instructor and part-time bounty hunter. He has two associates - you guessed it - Mason "Blue" Walcott (Tony Brubaker) and, of course, The Bean (Tom Rosales). When heiress Nettie Ridgeway (Blair) is abducted by drug lords (led by Cummins of Action U.S.A. (1989) fame as Zaldizar) and spirited away to Mexico, it's up to our three heroes to save the day. They have to get her to court on time in order to collect a million dollars. The three buddies want to open their own bail bondsmanship so they can stop working for the haranguing Aram Haronian, their boss. Will they succeed?

While it is funny to see the mighty Hasselhoff with his mullet and giant cell phone hamming it up for all the world to see, and an attempt is made at politically-incorrect humor ("these guys drive worse than the Orientals!", "Roasted Colombians, nothin' finer!", etc.) sadly it all seems a bit forced and unfunny. Once they get to Mexico, there is a stereotype Mexican character that is very, very annoying. The movie was already on pretty thin ice by then, and the addition of this character did not help at all.



There are some car chases, shootouts and horseback riding, and the cast is full of familiar faces such as Trejo, Flower, the Hoff, Blair, and a surprising appearance by Gregory Scott Cummins as the drug lord. We were so used to seeing him as the all-American good guy from Action U.S.A. He truly has a lot of versatility. John Vernon is also on hand as Linda Blair's father. What is he truly up to?

Nothing really weird or truly noteworthy happens in Bail Out. It's all pretty standard fare, so stupid at times it almost insults the audience's intelligence. We know it's a direct to video movie starring The Hoff, but come on. Give us some credit here. But then again it was directed by Max Kleven, the "mastermind" behind Fugitive Champion (1997). At least Chip Mayer was nowhere in sight. So if you can survive all the groaners for jokes and some middling action, you MAY be entertained by Bail Out if you are in the right mood (i.e., a really goofy mood).

Bail Out was released on VHS in the U.S. on the great Vestron label. We couldn't find any commercially-released version of the film under the "W.B. Blue and the Bean" moniker. If you have a picture of that, please send it in.

NOTE: Because there are so many boxcovers for this title, we have decided to change things up and are pleased to present...the BAIL OUT GALLERY! Enjoy!


















Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Ring Of The Musketeers (1992)

Ring Of The Musketeers (1992) -* * *

Directed By: John Paragon

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Corbin Bernsen, Alison Doody, John-Rhys-Davies, Timothy Stack, Cassandra Petersen, Ricky Jay, Brandscombe Richmond, and Cheech Marin










 Look at that cover. Just...look at it.


Hopefully in a few years, "Ring Of The Musketeers" will become a cult classic. It has everything you want: David Hasselhoff "acting" and "singing", Cheech Marin being a Mexican stereotype, and lots more!  John Smith D'Artagnan played by The Hoff, is a musketeer. Smith and his two other musketeers fight crime for a living. Smith seeks out the missing fourth musketeer, who is played by Cheech. The whole movie is fun. Cheech tells jokes, and The Hoff doesn't laugh. It's great.

Hasselhoff thinks he's doing Shakespeare with this film. Watch it tonight Or buy it! I did!



Comeuppance Review by: Ty