Diamond Cartel (2015)

Diamond Cartel (2015)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Salamat Mukhammed- Ali

Starring: Armand Assante, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Michael Madsen, Bolo Yeung, Olivier Gruner, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, Tiny Lister, and Peter O'Toole as Tugboat 

To the extent that it's possible for a human mind to comprehend it, Diamond Cartel appears to be about a gangster named Mussa (Assante) and another gangster named Khazar (Tagawa), who both want a large diamond. Somehow a boyfriend-girlfriend team in Kazakhstan get the diamond and go on the run. In the meantime, a parade of cameos appear before our eyes, which include such fan favorites as Michael Madsen, Tiny Lister, Bolo Yeung, Olivier Gruner, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, and, of course, Peter O'Toole as Tugboat. In his final film role, of course. Sure, it's an utterly confusing mess, but that's part of the fun...we think.


Get ready for a nutso trip to Kazakhstan if you dare to enter the kooky, wacky, and crazy world of Diamond Cartel. As if the fact that it makes no sense wasn't enough, there's also narration over the top of it, as if that clears anything up. In addition to that, just about everybody in the film is dubbed in a highly amusing manner, the two most noteworthy examples being Don "The Dragon" Wilson and Peter O'Toole. We're not sure why they dubbed The Dragon here. But, then again, we're not sure why they did anything they did.

As fans, we know Wilson's inimitable voice. You could say he has one of the most recognizable voices in DTV action. So when you see him on screen, and this odd, other voice comes out, you can't help but laugh. Same goes for Peter O'Toole. Just how they got O'Toole to be in this oddity is anybody's guess, but when they did, they used someone else's voice, and he sounds a bit like Darth Vader. Like many in the cast of fan favorites, his screen time is very limited.


Speaking of limited screen time, Madsen, Lister, and Gruner - who, by themselves, would make a great cast in their own right - get very minimal roles. All three together probably equal about a minute of screen time, if you can believe that. It's really mere seconds for the bunch. Bolo gets more, including a fight at the end, and he only says one word in the film - "Yo".

There's a section at roughly the halfway mark that runs for about 15-20 minutes where everyone's voices echo. Then it goes away. It makes about as much sense as anything else going on around here. There are ridiculous green screen and other CGI-type effects. People yell while shooting machine guns. Sometimes there are shootouts, blow-ups or fights. Out of all the stars of the film, we get to see Armand Assante the most. He wears several absurd outfits, including a suit with no shirt underneath the jacket. He screams and yells, just as you want him to. At least he dubs his own voice. It would be a real tragedy if he didn't.

What else can we say about Diamond Cartel? It's just one of those movies you have to see to believe. For the cast, plus the nonsense, we would actually recommend it. But just keep in mind you will be puzzled throughout the experience.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Shadows In Paradise (2010)

Shadows In Paradise (2010)- * *

Directed by: J. Stephen Maunder

Starring: Mark Dacascos, Sofya Skya, Tom Sizemore, Danny Trejo, Bruce Boxleitner, Vernon Wells, Steven Bauer, Andrew Divoff, and Armand Assante

Max Forrester (Dacascos) is fighting in Iraq alongside Sasha Villanoff (Skya). As a fellow soldier and Max’s girlfriend, he feels especially inclined to protect her from the baddies all around her. Max is put to the test when Sasha disappears. He tracks her to a place called Paradise Island, found somewhere in the middle east. 

During the course of their perilous journey, they uncover an illegal arms-smuggling ring run by some corrupt soldiers called Shadow Company. Since Shadow Company is on PARADISE Island, that explains the title of the movie. Meanwhile, Col. Bunker (Sizemore) and Captain Dyer (Boxleitner) are at odds because of the activities of Captain John Santos, who goes by the code name of “Ghost” (Assante). 

Could he have something to do with the arms smuggling? Or could it be Matador (Trejo), Stronach (Divoff), General Ruth (Wells), or Agent Stubbs (Bauer)? While we desperately want to invest some intrigue into all of this, we really just wanted to highlight all the names involved here. Will the hot middle eastern sun eradicate all the SHADOWS IN PARADISE? And who else will be eradicated?

Shadows In Paradise is such a textbook example of what we call the Lone Tiger Effect (for those who don’t know, it’s when a movie features a bunch of the B-Movie names we all know and love – so we think the movie itself is going to be good – but it turns out to not be so hot) that we should really consider changing it to the Shadows In Paradise Effect. Yes, all our favorite people are present and accounted for but…at what cost? In other words, while it was enjoyable to see all our cinematic buddies all together in one film, we were disappointed at the final result. Which makes things all the more disappointing.


That being said, this movie is just too darn silly to really hate. While the overall feel is one of those modern-day DTV “Seal Team” movies (i.e. junky and none too involving), and the muzzle flashes on the guns are roughly on par with the ones in Hangfire (1991) (i.e. really stupid and fake looking), once you see Tom Sizemore’s “acting”, you want to say to the movie, in a loving and forgiving tone, “I can’t stay mad at you…”


Is it any wonder, then, that with the incoherent mumblings of Armand Assante, layered with the incoherent ramblings of Tom Sizemore, that the movie as a whole is, well…incoherent? Thankfully, Sofya Skya is on board, but Assassins Run (2013) offers up a better example of what she can do. She does sing the theme song, “Don’t Break My Heart”, but with its 90’s Lilith Fair vibe, even that indicates she is capable of better. She should have followed the example of Natalie Burn and done more of a rocker.

There’s a bunch of beat-ups and shooting, and even some light prerequisite torture, but what else would you expect from director Maunder, whose only other directorial credits are Tiger Claws II (1996) and Tiger Claws III (2000)? Trejo, Bauer, Wells, and Divoff – enough to carry a movie in their own right – have glorified cameos. We believe Bruce Boxleitner was here, but it could have been Barry Bostwick. We’re still not sure. 

In the end, Shadows In Paradise is a lightweight and unfortunate example of a modern-day DTV actioner. While we were happy to see all the great cast members, to say they weren’t all used to their full potential is an understatement. It’s all pretty disposable. Bring us back to the 80’s any day.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

One Eyed King (2001)

One Eyed King (2001)-* * *

Directed by: Robert Moresco

Starring: William Baldwin, Armand Assante, Rick Aiello, Jason Gedrick, and Jim Breuer








This movie came out on 2001 but it was released on video in 2004.

William Baldwin plays a guy who wants to bring his low level gangster buddies back to reality like having a wife or children, but instead his friends deal drugs and commit other crimes under the watch of Holly (Assante).



This is a pretty good movie, but it does have weaknesses like: The editing of some scenes (most of the flashbacks) come at the wrong time and it's confusing. Other that that all the performances are pretty decent. The stand out is Assante as Holly. Holly seems like a nice guy but if you double cross him he'll kill you in a heartbeat. Assante does an excellent job, bringing out the psycho aspects of the character. Overall, the movie is worth seeing.

Comeuppance review by: Ty

Federal Protection (2002)

Federal Protection (2002) -* * *

Directed By: Anthony Hickox

Starring: Armand Assante, Angela Featherstone, and Dina Meyer











Federal Protection is a cool and violent movie.

Frankie Carbone (Assante) is a small-time hood stealing cars for a living. When a contract on his life gets botched, he is put into the witness protection program. It seems like he's safe, but he's not. Bootsie (Meyer) is a hitwoman who will stop at nothing to find him.



Armand Assante is always worth watching because of his excellent over-acting. Watch Dot.Kill to see what I mean. He doesn't disappoint here, with a couple classic yelling moments from Assante. Dina Meyer is very sexy in her role. The action scenes, while silly, are bloody and well-staged.



If you like the actors involved, you'll enjoy Federal Protection

Comeuppance Review by: Ty

Dot.Kill (2005)

Dot.Kill (2005) -* * *

Directed By: John Irvin

Starring: Armand Assante and Tony Schiena










On the surface, Dot.Kill doesn't have a lot going for it. First, there's the title, which is ridiculous. So many lame jokes can be made from it. ("www.itsucks.com"), or "Dot.Kill Me Now"... then I realized the movie had different titles like "Digital Reaper" and "Digital Jesus" which make no sense. I was ready for the worst...

Thankfully, Dot.Kill is an entertaining mystery. Charlie Daines (Assante) is a morphine-addicted cop on the edge, who doesn't have much time to live. Daines has his own demons, but a serial killer is on the loose, killing people over the internet. Can he stop him in time before his next fix?

The best part of the movie is Assante's performance. He goes over the top and back. At one point he is confronted by one of his partners about his drug addiction. Daines starts going insane. He picks up a hot poker (which comes out of nowhere) and says "Do you want to burn me!??!!"

The drawbacks to Dot.Kill are the similarities to Fear Dot.Com (2002) and the ending. But if you like Assante's work, you’ll have a fun time.

Citizen Verdict (2003)

Citizen Verdict (2003) -* * *

Directed By: Philippe Martinez

Starring: Armand Assante, Jerry Springer and Roy Scheider












Citizen Verdict is an interesting movie. The plot is about airing criminal trials on television and the audience acting as the jury.

Jerry Springer plays Marty Rockman, the TV producer who thinks up this idea. Armand Assante is Sam Patterson, the defense lawyer. Assante And Springer put in fun performances. They both go over the top. If you loved Springer's performance in The Defender (2004) as the President, you'll definitely like this one. He has more screen time. He has a great speech near the end of the movie.



One of the problems with the film is that some of the other actors are pretty lousy. (the actress who plays Patterson's wife and the Citizen Verdict TV Commentators). Another problem is that there are too many cutaways to the "man\woman on the street" interviews. It hurts the film a little. Besides that, the movie is worth watching to satisfy your longing for the Armand\Springer team up you always knew was coming.






Comeuppance Review By: Ty