Diamond Cartel (2015)

Diamond Cartel (2015)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Salamat Mukhammed- Ali

Starring: Armand Assante, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Michael Madsen, Bolo Yeung, Olivier Gruner, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, Tiny Lister, and Peter O'Toole as Tugboat 

To the extent that it's possible for a human mind to comprehend it, Diamond Cartel appears to be about a gangster named Mussa (Assante) and another gangster named Khazar (Tagawa), who both want a large diamond. Somehow a boyfriend-girlfriend team in Kazakhstan get the diamond and go on the run. In the meantime, a parade of cameos appear before our eyes, which include such fan favorites as Michael Madsen, Tiny Lister, Bolo Yeung, Olivier Gruner, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, and, of course, Peter O'Toole as Tugboat. In his final film role, of course. Sure, it's an utterly confusing mess, but that's part of the fun...we think.


Get ready for a nutso trip to Kazakhstan if you dare to enter the kooky, wacky, and crazy world of Diamond Cartel. As if the fact that it makes no sense wasn't enough, there's also narration over the top of it, as if that clears anything up. In addition to that, just about everybody in the film is dubbed in a highly amusing manner, the two most noteworthy examples being Don "The Dragon" Wilson and Peter O'Toole. We're not sure why they dubbed The Dragon here. But, then again, we're not sure why they did anything they did.

As fans, we know Wilson's inimitable voice. You could say he has one of the most recognizable voices in DTV action. So when you see him on screen, and this odd, other voice comes out, you can't help but laugh. Same goes for Peter O'Toole. Just how they got O'Toole to be in this oddity is anybody's guess, but when they did, they used someone else's voice, and he sounds a bit like Darth Vader. Like many in the cast of fan favorites, his screen time is very limited.


Speaking of limited screen time, Madsen, Lister, and Gruner - who, by themselves, would make a great cast in their own right - get very minimal roles. All three together probably equal about a minute of screen time, if you can believe that. It's really mere seconds for the bunch. Bolo gets more, including a fight at the end, and he only says one word in the film - "Yo".

There's a section at roughly the halfway mark that runs for about 15-20 minutes where everyone's voices echo. Then it goes away. It makes about as much sense as anything else going on around here. There are ridiculous green screen and other CGI-type effects. People yell while shooting machine guns. Sometimes there are shootouts, blow-ups or fights. Out of all the stars of the film, we get to see Armand Assante the most. He wears several absurd outfits, including a suit with no shirt underneath the jacket. He screams and yells, just as you want him to. At least he dubs his own voice. It would be a real tragedy if he didn't.

What else can we say about Diamond Cartel? It's just one of those movies you have to see to believe. For the cast, plus the nonsense, we would actually recommend it. But just keep in mind you will be puzzled throughout the experience.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Circuit III: The Street Monk (2006)

 

The Circuit III: The Street Monk (2006)- * *

Directed by: Jalal Merhi

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Brad Milne, Cristina Rose, Jason Carter, James Lew, Jalal Merhi, and Loren Avedon 

"Mission Control: We've Found Mr. Longstreet." - Helicopter Pilot

After Circuiting it up over the past two films, our old pal Dirk Longstreet (Gruner) has renounced fighting and becomes a surfer. He lives in a van down by the ocean and just wants to be left alone to hang ten to his heart's content. Things change for Longstreet when he rescues a young girl named Cherrie Wendover (Rose) from a bunch of thugs. The baddies were after her because she knows the truth about Octavio Ventura (Carter), a man who stages illegal Punchfights to the death at a strip club called the Playpen.




When Cherrie gets kidnapped, Ventura forces Longstreet to come out of retirement in order to win her freedom. But he has to fight the current champion, Stuart "Spider" Webb (Lew), among others. Meanwhile, both Editor Bill (Merhi) and Detective Sykes (Avedon) want to figure out what's going on. Will this be the FINAL FLIGHT - or is it FIGHT - for THE STREET MONK, Dirk Longstreet?

Okay, we know that Dirk Longstreet is an awesome name, but we established that a long time ago. At this point, the whole "Circuit" thing is starting to wear a bit thin. It has an even cheaper look to it than the other installments, which wouldn't be such a bad thing in itself if the writing wasn't so monosyllabic, monotonous, and moronic. Yes, the whole thing is very, very dumb. While you shouldn't run to the Circuit series expecting intelligence, it still comes off as somehow disappointingly stupid.


There are only a couple moments when the dumbness becomes funny or entertaining, such as when one of the baddies inexplicably hires a group of surfers to beat up Dirk Longstreet. Normally not known for their violent tendencies, perhaps the choice of paying a gaggle of extra-chill California surfer dudes to assault Longstreet was the wrong move. Longstreet dispatches with them quickly by beating them up extra-stupidly with his surfboard. Oh dear.


Other funny moments occur when fights break with little or no pretext. A lot of these fights have, let's just say, choreography issues. We don't mean to nitpick, because it's probably hard to make a movie like this, but come on. A little more professionalism would have gone a long way.


In between all this, there are many scenes of Longstreet having his own Endless Summer (AKA endless surfing). While that slows things down considerably, the real problem is that Longstreet isn't that likable a character, at least for 90 percent-plus of the movie. He's kind of a jerk to Cherrie for no reason that we can see. Having likable characters is key, and The Circuit III does not deliver them. Avedon and Merhi don't add much to the mix, and James Lew doesn't say anything. This ship is sinking fast.


The many scenes at The Playpen strip club got us thinking. If men go to strip clubs to see naked women, would they be happy or disappointed to see a bunch of half-naked men grappling with each other? Would this be a net benefit for the strip club patron, or an unpleasant surprise? Nevertheless, all the fights at this one location, with its particularly annoying announcer, got repetitive fast. It's all very reminiscent, unfortunately, of Las Vegas Warrior (2002). That's probably the film that's the closest comparison to Circuit III.


While the film opens up with a truly impressive location, the top of some sort of mountain, the scenes that take place up there are face-palmingly dumb. Longstreet is at the top of the mountain wearing a Karate gi, and guys just show up there and begin fighting him in a very silly manner. It goes on for a while.


While The Circuit III was never released in America - and it is unfair that Merhi would foist this muck on the rest of the world - it can now be seen on Merhi's YouTube channel. While it all caps off with a catchy song, performed live by Cristina Rose, perhaps the best thing about the whole experience is its end credits. It's so filled with spelling and other errors, it's more entertaining than the movie itself.


However, we would only recommend this to those who have seen the other two Circuit films and are Circuit completists and need to see it out of some kind of OCD-like compulsion. Assuming you don't have this kind of medical issue, we can safely say to skip this one.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a review from our buddy, DTVC!

TNT (1997)

 

TNT (1997)- * *

Directed by: Robert Radler

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Randy Travis, Rebecca Staab, Bre Blair, Ken Olandt, Kane Hodder, Simon Rhee, Sam Jones, and Eric Roberts

Alex Cheval (Gruner) is a member of TNT, or the Tactical Neutralization Squad. They're a group of Iraq War vets who are sent around the world to deal with sensitive issues that require them to beat up and shoot people. When one of the ops goes horribly wrong, Alex walks away from the group. Now known as an average guy named Mark, he gets a job as an aerobics instructor in a small town in Colorado. He's buddies with the local sheriff, Jim (Travis), and is in a relationship with Jamie (Staab), who has a daughter from a previous marriage (Blair).

Unfortunately for Alex/Mark, his new, idyllic life is about to be shattered. His former compatriots in TNT now work for an evil mastermind named Robert Victor Russo (Roberts), and because Russo doesn't want any loose ends, he turns loose the former TNT boys on Alex. Alex is then put in the position where he has to take on his former comrades-in-arms, highly-trained elite soldiers who want him dead at all costs. They include, but are not limited to, Greel (Jones), Basu (Olandt), and Choi (Rhee). Will Alex Cheval be able to protect his new family and his new life from the assailants formerly known as TNT?

From looking at the cover for TNT, which features a solo, shirtless Gruner, you'd be forgiven for thinking it was a Punchfighter. Surprisingly, it's actually not. It's more your standard 90's DTV actioner that starts off like one of those boring "war slog" movies, but transitions to a better scenario where the baddies are trying to get Gruner as he lives his suburban life. 

Sure, there's a certain moment that's highly reminiscent of The Specialist (1994), but there's one thing TNT has that The Specialist does not have: Randy Travis. It was an inspired casting choice, and his speaking voice is as comforting and soothing as his singing voice. Because TNT features a very Radical Jack-esque barfight, we're graced with the presence of a country singer, and it features a former elite soldier trying to start a new life in suburbia, not to mention the similar overall feel, it was hard not to make comparisons to 'Jack.

The barfight takes place at an establishment classily named Bullwinkle's. The daughter character in the movie mentions how they have a rockin' jukebox. One of the toughs Gruner beats up is Kane Hodder, who gets to show off a bit of humor, which is rare to see from him. On top of Bullwinkle's, the name of the gym where Alex works is The Penitentiary. So obviously the business owners in that particular small town have good senses of humor.

While there are plenty of B-Movie names on display, we wouldn't classify this as "Lone Tiger Effect" because TNT isn't bad, it's just a bit too bland for its own good. Eric Roberts, sporting a stylish beard, is just another cast member along with the rest. He doesn't get any particular time in the sun here.

Director Radler, known for Best of the Best (1989), Best of the Best II (1993), Showdown (1993), and The Substitute: Failure Is Not an Option (2001), delivers enough of the action goods so that TNT would find itself on video store shelves and in the cable listings. It doesn't exactly go "above and beyond the call of duty" to entertain us, but it does the minimum and features some of the silly moments we all love.



In the end, TNT is okay, all right, and fine, but it needed a bit more oomph to really make itself stand out from the pack.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum!

Crooked (2006)

Crooked (2006)- * *

Directed by: Art Camacho

Starring: Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Olivier Gruner, Gary Busey, Fred Williamson, Diana Kauffman, and Martin Kove









When a hooker with a heart of gold named Angel (Kauffman) witnesses a murder, police officers Danny Tyler (The Dragon) and Phil Yordan (Gruner) are put in charge of looking after her so there isn't any gangland retribution before she can testify. Of course, this isn't as simple as it seems, as a perfect storm of police corruption and irate mobsters coalesce around our three heroes. While they're on the run, shootouts and fights ensue. Where do Rouse (Busey) and Jake Lawlor (Kove) stand in all this? And who amongst all of them is CROOKED?

Lone Tiger Effect strikes again with Crooked, a chintzy affair that makes Detonator (2003) look classy. You'd think you couldn't go wrong with Don The Dragon, Fred Williamson, Kove, Busey, and Gruner all together. Well, unfortunately, it appears you can. Fred and Kove have glorified cameos, so you can take them pretty much out of the equation. The material the others had to work with wasn't the best. Low budgets have never been a negative for us, but if that's the case you've got to try just a little bit harder. 

The pacing is off, the dialogue is insipid, and the whole thing has that "stupid" feel. You probably know what we're talking about. Then there are the technical issues, such as poor lighting and sound, which add to the mess. However, maybe it's best that some of the dialogue isn't heard. That can only help the situation. That being said, sometimes it provides some laffs, as there's a scene early on in a police squad room where everyone's voice sounds normal except for Gary Busey's, which sounds like it was recorded separately in a large, echoey warehouse. We wouldn't normally mention it, but it's very, very obvious. And humorous. 

In the scenes where Busey is talking and it sounds like his voice was recorded in the same county, it certainly appears like they let him run wild with his own dialogue. There are a few instances of classic "Buseyisms" on display that only he could come up with. Besides that, Don's lovable woodenness is not only present and accounted for, it almost powers the movie along. Gruner's name in the film, Phil Yordan, must be a nod to the classic Hollywood-era screenwriter. But what would the original Yordan make of what he saw here? While Gruner is obviously trying, Don and Busey come out best in all this.


Yes, there is an exploding helicopter and a (weak) barfight...but we couldn't help but think that if Crooked was a PM movie that came out in 1996, it would have been done right. So why, in 2006, should things be any different? Just learn from the greats of the past. You'd think director Camacho, who worked on so many of those classic 90's productions as a stuntman, would know better. I mean, yes, Point Doom (2000) had Sebastian Bach, and Gangland (2001) had Mario Van Obama, but what does Crooked have? It appears, sadly, that the answer is diminishing returns. 

Crooked is, at best - at best - a one-time watch. And that's being generous. We're glad our favorite stars are working, and we like to see them, even in a lesser production like this. But we couldn't help but be disappointed.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!

Showdown In Manila (2016)

Showdown In Manila (2016)- * * *

Directed by: Mark Dascascos

Starring: Alexander Nevsky, Casper Van Dien, Mark Dacascos, Matthias Hues, Tia Carrere, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Polina Butorina, Olivier Gruner, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, and Cynthia Rothrock








Nick Peyton (Nevsky) and Charlie Benz (Van Dien) are buddies and private detectives, but they seem more like mercenaries. After her beloved husband, Matthew Wells (Dacascos), is slaughtered by some baddies, including Dorn (Hues), a certain Mrs. Wells (Carrere) pays a visit to Nick and Charlie. She wants both answers and revenge, so she goes with the best. It turns out the super-evil Aldric Cole (Tagawa) is behind all the chaos. One of the smarter moves made by Peyton and Benz includes calling in some most excellent reinforcements: Haines (Rothrock), Dillon (The Dragon), and Ford (Gruner). What will happen after the SHOWDOWN IN MANILA?



Showdown In Manila was a pleasant surprise. As it is the long-awaited directorial debut of Mark Dacascos, we knew he wouldn’t let us down, and he didn’t. The man knows too much about what works and what doesn’t work in the world of action movies to really produce a dud. As it was produced, in part, by Dacascos, Nevsky, and Andrzej Bartkowiak, and features a lot of the same cast members, this could have been another Maximum Impact (2017). Thankfully, it isn’t. It’s a lot better. It’s snappier, shorter, and the humor works a lot more. It mercifully doesn’t include Tom Arnold making references to his bladder.



Even the setting of the Philippines is a nod to the golden age of action in the 70’s and 80’s, as is the title, which is reminiscent of Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991), Showdown (1993), or pretty much any action movie in the past where people were having some sort of showdown. It seemed to happen a lot back then.



Clearly, the standout aspect of ‘Manila is its stellar cast. For our two main heroes, we have the power team we’ve all been waiting to see together – Nevsky and Van Dien. Both are likable and they make a great duo. For some reason Nevsky seems to get a lot of “shade” online but we think he’s a solid action presence and has a Schwarzenegger-esque sense of humor. He doesn’t seem to take himself too seriously, but he can still give the baddies a quality pounding. Nevsky should have been around in the 80’s, but now that he’s in our era, he can act as a sort of “throwback” action star of the type we’re more used to. 

Matthias Hues feels like an old friend at this point, and Tagawa always – ALWAYS – plays the baddie. He must have that kind of face. Carrere isn’t hunting relics anymore and it was nice to see her (and she was, of course, in the aforementioned Showdown In Little Tokyo, as was Tagawa). Things pick up when our heroes meet up with the reinforcements in the jungle. Seeing fan favorites Rothrock, The Dragon, and Gruner shooting and fighting people in the jungle really brought us back. It’s a direct reference to the 80’s and early 90’s. There just should have been less (or, ideally, no) CGI or questionable muzzle flashes. But that’s a minor quibble when we see our favorite stars back in action. Literally.



The three reinforcements should have had more screen time, but we’re happy with what we have. While they’re all wearing camo in the jungle, including Rothrock, her bright pink hair streaks kind of defeat that purpose…but it’s all part of the fun. The movie is filled with silly shootouts and amusing humor. It would’ve gone to theaters in the 80’s for sure.



Featuring the T.a.T.u-esque theme song, “Another Life” by Polina Butorina (who was in both this and Maximum Impact and sings both theme tunes), Showdown In Manila is about as close as we’re going to come these days to golden era-style action, and we applaud Nevsky, Dacascos, and the gang for that. We say keep ‘em coming.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!

Angel Town (1990)

Angel Town (1990)- * * *

Directed by: Eric Karson

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Peter Kwong, and Theresa Saldana

Jacques Montagne (Gruner) is a Frenchman from Paris who saves up all his money so he can get an engineering degree from "Southern California University". On his first day in the United States, he has trouble getting off-campus housing. Not knowing the difference between where the "nice" areas of L.A. are and where the "ghettos" are, he finds himself in a gang-infested barrio. He ends up renting a room from a nice lady and non-gang member named Maria (Saldana). The local gang wants to recruit her son into the gang so they resort to the usual tactics such as terrorizing the town around them. 

Unfortunately for these gang baddies, Montagne had a troubled upbringing in Paris where he was forced to learn to fight. So, teaming up with his buddy Henry (Kwong) and the local wheelchair-bound Vietnam Vet, Montagne takes on the baddies using his considerable Martial Arts abilities. but will he be able to take on the gangs and win?

Angel Town is an amusing beat-em-up that's reminiscent of similar titles such as Street Corner Justice and Enemy Territory. A gang or gang lays siege to a house or houses and the hero has to fend them off or eliminate them altogether. It doesn't rise to the heights of Private Wars or The Annihilators, but there are some entertaining moments. 

The main problem is that it can't really justify its 102-minute running time. If Angel Town was 80 minutes, we'd be dealing with a classic. The idea of a French guy getting in the middle of a drive-by shooting by Mexican gangs towards college students (this actually happens in the movie) is a novel and almost-brilliant idea. There are some enjoyable brawls that go on, and Olivier Gruner is likable. They actually gave a reason why his accent is so thick, which isn't always the case. It has a good amount of un-PC dialogue, which was more than welcome, and there because the movie has a copyright of 1989 (though it came out in '90) - the golden era before political correctness ruined everything in our society. Perhaps we need Jacques Montagne to clean things up now more than ever.



What's interesting is that, in The Circuit series, Gruner plays the immortal role of Dirk Longstreet. Dirk Longstreet is a college instructor. Could Jacques Montagne be like a forerunner, or precursor, to Dirk Longstreet? Perhaps that's the Longstreet origin story we've all been asking for.



In other casting news, one Tom McGreevey plays Dr. Rice, a very rude and almost Animal House-esque college professor. He steals all his scenes and is a lot of fun to watch. There are also blink-and-you'll-miss-em early appearances by Bruce Locke and Mark Dacascos (credited as "Dacascus").



Director Karson has a history of churning out middling action fare such as The Octagon (1980) and Black Eagle (1988). So, despite its unnecessary length, that officially qualifies Angel Town as his best actioner. In any case, lots of vatos wear button-down plaid shirts with only the top button buttoned, with a hair net and sunglasses. They say "homes" and "ese" more than John Travolta in Chains of Gold. So it's not a total loss.



The songs are provided by Gil Karson (presumably the director's brother?) who also appears onscreen as a member of The Hot Heads Band, who play at the college party that gets driven-by by the baddies (is that how you would say that?) - anyway, the movie was originally released on an Imperial VHS, but now is available on Blu-Ray as part of the MVD collection. It's also available on Amazon Prime as of this writing, in a fine transfer that more than likely comes from the same place the Blu-Ray is sourced from.


Angel Town is a classic example of what was on video store shelves starting in the early 90's. As good as many aspects of it are, it overstays its welcome with its unnecessarily long running time. Though it does overextend itself, there are definitely bright spots throughout Angel Town.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, DTVC!

Savage (1996)

Savage (1996)- * *1\2

Directed by: Avi Nesher

Starring: Oliver Gruner, Kario Salem, Kristin Minter, Jennifer Grant, and Sam McMurray

A humble farmer named Alex (Gruner) has his life turned upside down when one day evil baddies show up at his ranch and kill his wife and son, seemingly for no reason. In no time at all, Alex becomes a “Savage” – living in a cave, foraging for food, water, and shelter, and eating ants like Tic-Tacs. He also has superhuman strength and the ability to jump long/high distances. Meanwhile, Titan Corporation is giving the world the latest in VR technology. Its president, Reese Burroughs (Salem) is a demented nutjob who is convinced the ancient gods of Atlantis are currently chillin’ in the internet. 

Marie Belot (Minter) is his henchwoman but has doubts about all the craziness going on around her. It seems many goons - possibly dispatched by Titan Corp - have set out to find and kill Alex, who in the meantime has teamed up with a policelady named Nicky (Grant). Will Alex and Nicky be able to stop Burroughs, who is willing to destroy mankind in order to achieve immortality? Find out when the SAVAGE meets the sophisticated computer tech of 1996…

Savage is the type of movie you would have seen on Cinemax, The Movie Channel, or any of the other American pay channels back in the 90’s. It also seems like it might have aired on the Sci-Fi Channel before it stupidly changed its name to Syfy (which we pronounce as “siffy”). Sure, the movie makes little sense, but who really cares? Low-budget sci-fi or horror movies that make too much sense are usually boring. 

They descend into procedural slogs because the filmmakers are obsessed with “making sense”. The problem is, on the flipside of that coin, if a movie makes too little sense for too long, the audience will give up and get bored. Thankfully, Savage skirts that particular fate, but just barely.

Director Nesher, who worked with our old buddy Olivier Gruner again that same year with Mercenary (1996) – and also is known for “Comeuppance Classics” such as Timebomb (1991) and The Taxman (1999) here tries his own take on The Terminator (complete with Gruner wearing a similar leather jacket to Arnie as he tears up L.A.), but imagine if The Terminator was written by Erich Von Daniken after an LSD binge. 

Okay, Savage isn’t THAT good, but it makes the same amount of sense as that project might have made. That being said, Schwarzenegger was never referred to as “Goat Boy”, as Gruner is here, owing to his barnyard-like smell, but our memories could be a bit off on that one.

But before he becomes known as Goat Boy, the transformation of Gruner from Family Man to Caveman is rather swift and without explanation. What passes for explanation in the scenes to follow don’t help matters much. Because it was the 90’s, VR was incredibly hot and seemingly every DTV movie of this era dealt with it in one way or another. But Savage is perhaps the only VR-based action outing to have ghostly-white spirit people made of the pure energy of mankind. Or something like that. 

Another question: is this movie supposed to take place in the future? If so, why do people have pagers? The whole outing is a mess of a jumble of a mishmash, but we suppose that’s all part of the fun. Plus it has funny dubbing and the VR world looks like the video game Lethal Enforcers. Imagine being IN Lethal Enforcers. Pretty cool, right? But why is Gruner a savage caveman? We think we may know, but, anyway…

Gruner gets to show off his fighting skills in the jail scene, the biker scene, and the internet café scene, but it’s his aforementioned great jumps that truly steal the movie. The rural scenes feature some great scenery as well, which is worth noting. Many of the characters are named after authors, which is rather obvious, as there are people in the movie named Allen Poe, Edgar Wallace, Verne, Spillane, and Burroughs. Okay, we get it. But what possible literary inspiration could this mess of a movie have sprung from? If you have any ideas, please let us know.  We’d love to read it.

In the end, Savage represents the more unorthodox end of the 90’s DTV action spectrum. Whether that’s a good or a bad thing depends on your tolerance for loose ends and cinematic chaos. To the movie’s credit, it must be said that they don’t make ‘em like this anymore. For that reason alone, Savage is, at the very least, a one-time watch.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Mercenary (1996)

Mercenary (1996)- * * *

Directed by: Avi Nesher

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Ed Lauter, John Ritter, Nils Allen Stewart, Martin Kove, Lara Harris, and Robert Culp 












Jonas Ambler (Ritter) is a multi-millionaire businessman with his face on the cover of Forbes magazine. When his beloved wife Joanna (Harris, of The Dogfighters fame) is killed in a terrorist attack, Ambler wants revenge. After discovering the baddies involved are headed by arch-baddie Phoenix (Kove), the corporate warrior yearns to be a real warrior when he reaches out to Hawk (Gruner) and McClean (Culp), expert mercenaries, in order to capture and kill Phoenix. At first they reject his offer of four million dollars, but they eventually relent and agree to take on the job. The only problem is, while Hawk and his crew are highly-trained badasses, Ambler is not, so they go on an extensive training regimen. All this in the presence of his head of security, Cochran (Lauter). Soon enough, Hawk and the gang are in the Middle East and fighting the bad guys. But Hawk is emotionless (or is he?) and Ambler is a bit of a goofball. But they’re going to have to learn to get along if they want to survive the most dangerous mission of their lives. Will they be successful?

Mercenary is a lot better than we thought it was going to be, having based our assumptions on having seen the second one first. Sequels are often not as good as the originals, and here is a classic case of that. There’s plenty of quality action, and it’s all very professionally done. If the movie had starred Van Damme instead of Gruner, this could have gone to the theater. That’s not to say that Gruner isn’t perfectly cast, however - as the emotionless warrior, with maybe a bit of humanity lurking underneath, Gruner is ideal as Hawk. Plus his hair seems to get higher in every scene. Halfway through the movie, he looks like Kid from Kid n’ Play.

It all kicks off with a bang in classic 90’s style, and the whole outing is perfect for video stores of that time. It even has Jack Tripper himself, John Ritter, getting in on the action. How often are you going to see that? Sure, he provides the comic relief for Hawk, but he also gets emotional and angry at times. And he’s never annoying like the characters in the sequel. Ritter gunning down Islamic terrorists. Who’d’ve thunk it? Plus, we liked the fact that the mercenaries were the good guys.

Cementing the fact that this is classic 90’s action, we have the time-honored barfight and the Prerequisite Torture of the heroes. There’s even some surprise Killfighting. Not to be confused with Punchfighting, at one point Hawk and Ambler find themselves in a dark, underground arena where men take to a pit and try to kill each other, but this is not Punchfighting. There is minimal, if any, punching, and the crowd surrounding them is not clutching cash in their hands. Plus they had knives and were dueling to the death. Leave it to us to define the subtle differences between Punchfighting and Killfighting. But it was all part of the rich array of action’s glory days.

While the movie was from ‘96, the plot - offering up millions of dollars to find a terrorist - recalls the hunt for bin Laden, and Robert Culp strongly resembles Mitt Romney. Coincidence? Well, yes. But to corral a killer cast like this is truly a once in a lifetime assemblage (look out for genre mainstay Nils Allen Stewart and an early appearance from Jaime Pressly). Director Nesher, known for Timebomb (1991) and The Taxman (1999), among others, puts in his version of a Men of War (1994)-style plot, and we say it’s successful. The only real problem with the movie is that it’s too long. It didn’t need to be 102 minutes, and if it was shorter we might be looking at an all-time classic. As it stands, Mercenary is a very good all-around action movie that is more than watchable and likable.

Featuring a cover of La Bamba by the band Popdefect, watching Mercenary will take you back to one of the last great years for DTV action. Just make sure you avoid the sequel.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Unknown Movies!

Automatic (1995)

Automatic (1995)- *1\2

Directed by: John Murlowski

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Daphne Ashbrook, Jeff Kober, Marjean Holden, John Glover, Troy Evans, and Annabelle Gurwitch









In a future where stylish Cardigan sweaters are the norm, so are human-defending robots. When the latest-model android, J269 (the perfectly-cast Gruner) stops an attempted rape of Robgen company employee Nora Rochester (Ashbrook), and accidentally kills one of the bosses in the process, the CEO, Goddard Marx (Glover) calls in a bunch of mercenaries to put an end to J269, such as Major West (Kober) and Epsilon Leader (Holden - they didn’t even give her a proper name, sadly). So now Nora and J269 have to fend off their attackers, all while INN (groan) news reporter Gloria Takamatsu (Gurwitch) reports on things. Will Nora grow to love J269? Will he live to be robotic another day?  Find out, or something...

Oh, The Terminator (1984) and Robocop (1987), what hath you wrought? If the makers of those movies could have predicted the slipstream of DTV crud left in their wake, would they have made them at all? Well, probably yes, but here we go with another run-through of a bunch of stuff we’ve seen before collated into a new package and now called Automatic. Of course, the melange wouldn’t be complete without a healthy dose of Die Hard (1988), and we also have a pinch of Blade Runner (1982), a dash of Universal Soldier (1992), and it’s reminiscent of competitors like Class of 1999 II (1994), American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993) and Fortress (1992), but Fortress is better. And Fortress (not to mention Robocop, of course) actually have Kurtwood Smith, rather than the Kurtwood Smith lookalike on display here.

Let’s not kid ourselves here: this is a sci-fi slog. Yes, Olivier does some Gruner-Fu on the baddies, and that does help, and there’s some gun-shooting, but it all could have been so much better. Jeff Kober is wasted in what is a glorified sit-down role, and Marjean Holden is a far cry from the butt-kicking of Ballistic. Even Annabelle Gurwitch has nothing to do. The whole mercenaries versus robots thing could have worked, if only the filmmakers didn’t cling to tried and true cliches like a desperate man to a life raft. Go nuts! Break free! That’s what we were hoping for with Automatic. It doesn’t even have a Timebomb-era Michael Biehn to power things along. Instead, it all takes place in one building, for the most part, and they never turn any lights on.

That, perhaps, is the most infuriating thing about this and other movies of its ilk. It’s not hard to turn the lights on. This is the basics - it’s a movie. We’re supposed to SEE it. How are they not grasping this? Children’s movies and comedies are always well-lit. There’s no excuse. Maybe they’re trying to obfuscate its low budget, but that backfires because the whole no-lights thing screams “low budget”. Who cares if it’s low budget? Own it, don’t try to vainly hide it. And while the outing, as a whole, is overly talky, it’s good to see they predicted the rise of the Roomba by several years.

Automatic is typical 90’s product, which we’re usually in favor of, but there’s so much missed potential. Consequently, it holds a very loose grip on the audience, and surely was just another tape collecting dust on a video store shelf. And not entirely unjustifiably.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Unknown Movies!

The Circuit (2002)

The Circuit (2002)- * *

Directed by: Jalal Merhi

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Ilya Morelle, Jalal Merhi, Loren Avedon, Gail Harris, Michael Blanks, Bruce Buffer, Bryan Genesse, and Billy Drago











Dirk Longstreet (Gruner) truly has it all. A great job as a college track and field coach, a great first name, a great last name, and an overall vibe that tells the world, “I’m Dirk Longstreet”. Trouble arises when his younger brother Jeremy Longstreet (Morelle) begins attending illegal underground Punchfighting matches known as “The Circuit”. Deeply in debt to Circuit ringleader Vixton Hack (Genesse), who really gives Dirk Longstreet a run for his money in the awesome name sweepstakes, Hack tells Jeremy he can work off his debt by fighting in the ring. The problem is, Dirk was an undefeated champion of the Circuit in his past, but he walked away and started a new and better life for himself, and he wants to forget the old days. 

So even though he’s in top physical shape, he begins training with Circuit boss Lenny (Drago) so he can defeat current reigning champs the Kwan twins (Simon Kim and James Kim). Meanwhile, a typical female reporter, Nicole (Harris) has been tracking the Circuit and even gets close to Dirk on false pretenses. Her editor, Editor Bill (Merhi) (That’s how he’s credited) wants to pull her off the story, but her connections with cop Det. Sykes (Avedon) have her closer than ever to exposing The Circuit to the public. What in the world is going to happen?

So many shirtless men punching each other, so little time. Fascinatingly, the main thing about The Circuit that would seem to anger most people, was, to us, one of its greatest strengths. That being the dialogue, which is written insipidly, delivered stupidly, and recorded unintelligibly. Half the time you’re yelling “WHAT?!” at the screen. When you get some dialogue spoken clearly, as ring announcer Bruce Buffer does (yes, Michael’s brother - ring announcing must be in the Buffer family DNA) we get such gems as: “a warrior for many years, the Ninja Warrior.” Hm. How inspiring. Another example is said by a random goon: “Dirk Longstreet’s in the house!” Maybe when Dirk Longstreet starts his rap career as MC Dirk Longstreet, he can sample that and put it on his album. He can always team up with Chino XL, who appears in the Circuit 2 (2002).

Of course, there are the time-honored training sequences, shots of audiences screaming while clutching their cash, and the prerequisite barfight (s). But thanks to his past that he’s trying to escape, Dirk suffers from “punchdreams”, where he has nightmares of being punched. Truly that’s the next frontier of Punchfighting movies. A cross between Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and Fist Fighter (1989). Producers out there, take notice. The Circuit doesn’t go that direction, of course, but viewers may suffer from Restless Legs Syndrome. It doesn’t help that the movie has these annoying, eye-singing flashes that unnecessarily appear between scenes. Unless Jalal Merhi has some sort of deal going with LensCrafters to surreptitiously drive business their way from eyeball-damaged Punchfighting fans, there’s no need for this.

Speaking of Merhi, he has a sit-down role (as he does in The Circuit 2) as Editor Bill. Thankfully, when his parents named him, they knew he would be a newspaper editor. That was fortuitous. Kind of like how fish grow to fit the bowl, or subconsciously, people come to fit their name, like Jay Woelfel, the director of the horrendously awful Iron Thunder (1998), which is indeed woeful (as we pointed out in our review). Thankfully, Merhi doesn’t do much (though even what he does do is unlikable), and neither does his buddy Loren Avedon. Apparently these two guys are so hard to work with, they can only work with each other. They’ve been exiled to the outer reaches of DTV slop, as has Bryan Genesse, who here resembles a card-carrying member of the Trenchcoat Mafia. A general rule of thumb is, if Genesse is involved, you’ve hit rock bottom. 

Fan favorite Billy Drago is...here...and Michael Blanks plays a guy named- wait for it - LL Cool J! Isn’t that against copyright law? How are they able to get away with that? Regardless, his name in the movie is LL Cool J. Clearly the writers of this movie were doin’ it, and doin’ it, and doin’ it, but not so well.

No one alive knows why, but there are THREE The Circuit movies. Now we just need to track down the hard-to-find third entry. For the sillier and less-substantial end of the Punchfighting genre, there’s always The Circuit.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum! 

Savate (1995)

Savate (1995)- * * *

Directed by: Isaac Florentine

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Ian Ziering, Ashley Laurence, Michael Palance, James Brolin, Donald Gibb, Marc Singer, Rance Howard, and R. Lee Ermey










Joseph Charlegrand (Gruner) is a French Legionnaire and a pioneer of a fighting style developed by the Legion, known as Savate. He and his fellow military men would practice their Savate and get into good-natured tournaments to hone their skills. But then along comes the dastardly Ziegfield Von Trotta (Singer) - who wears a monocle so you just KNOW he’s evil - and he heartlessly kills one of Charlegrand’s comrades. It turns out that Charlegrand must travel to the United States in his quest to find Von Trotta and get revenge for his friend’s death. This is the immediate post-Civil War period in Texas, mind you. Charlegrand becomes friendly with a brother-sister pair of homesteaders, Cain (Ziering) and Mary Parker (Laurence). 

The evil mayor of the town, Benedict (Ermey in an uncredited role) wants the land and threatens to raise taxes to exorbitant levels. The townsfolk resist, and Benedict has some gunslingers such as Mitchum (Palance) to enforce his will. But Benedict also holds an international “Tough Man” competition with a cash prize. Perhaps Charlegrand should enter the competition, as no one in the wild west has seen kicking in fights before. Will he find Von Trotta, get revenge for his friend, beat Mitchum and the boys, help the homesteaders, fall in love, win the competition, and become a hero to the small town? It seems like a tall order, but will the power of Savate win the day? Find out later...

Fan-favorite director Isaac Florentine sure seems like he was having fun directing this one. He playfully reworks some classic Western (and especially Spaghetti Western) tropes, themes, and, for lack of a better word, cliches, and serves them up in his own, inimitable style. In other words, it’s “SWOOSH”-ing sound effects in the old west. It’s all pretty tongue-in-cheek and relatively upbeat - Florentine’s tribute to the movies he obviously loves and grew up with.

Sure, as moviegoers we’ve seen this plot countless times before, from Desert Heat (1999), to The Final Alliance (1990), to, well, just about anything you can name dating back through the history of cinema. But that’s not the point. Florentine has transposed modern-day fighting skills over an old west setting, and we thought that was pretty cool. You get to see Olivier Gruner as a cowboy. That alone is worth a look, and the concept of ‘Western Kickboxing’ is just so nutty, you have to love it. The music by Kevin Kiner is an unashamed and unabashed Spaghetti Western...well...bonanza, complete with Edda Dell’Orso-style vocals.  It really helps things along. But before you get too excited, there are, of course, some drawbacks.

A lot of times in the movies we’ve seen, there’s no one, clearly delineated baddie. Here, there are too many! You’ve got Von Trotta, Benedict, Mitchum, and any number of fighters in the Punchfighting ring (yeah, the Tough Man competition is Punchfighting. Old West Punchfighting.) Ermey is uncredited, Ashley Laurence doesn’t really do anything at all in the second half, Singer’s character isn’t really set up as well as he could have been, and was James Brolin even in this? His screen time is so minuscule, it’s barely a cameo. And, as usual, at times the movie drags a bit. But, as a display for stunts and fights, which we assume is the main point, it certainly succeeds, and we appreciated the offbeat angle of it all.

Somehow, Ian Ziering looks younger here than he does on 90210 (though to be fair, on that show the male leads were 39-year-old high school students), and he even does some light Ziering-Fu. Clearly this is Ian (pronounced eye-an, of course), at his best. Donald Gibb brightens things up and brings to mind the Bloodsport (1988) parallels, and, in a rare treat, Ashley Laurence says “Get off my land” instead of a cantankerous old man. So that was nice.

While PM was the production company, the movie was released on VHS in the U.S. on A-Pix with the undistinguished title The Fighter. For a reasonably enjoyable homage to Spaghetti Westerns featuring some B-movie names and some notable moments and ideas, Savate comes through.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Also check out write-ups from our buddies, DTVC and The Video Vacuum! 

Mercenary II: Thick and Thin (1999)

Mercenary II: Thick and Thin (1999)-*

Directed by: Phillipe Mora

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Robert Townsend, Nicolas Turturro, Sam Bottoms, and Claudia Christian




“If stupidity was a cereal, we’d be on the box.” - Pizza Man








Carl “Hawk” May (Gruner) is a mercenary. Nicholas Turturro and Sam Bottoms (brothers of John and Timothy, respectively), play his two comrades-in-arms. It appears this time, a very rich woman, Patricia Van Lier (Christian) has paid the gang to retrieve her accountant, Charlie Love (Townsend), who has been taken hostage by rebels in the jungles of South America. Hawk goes deep into the foliage to find him, while the others stay behind and contact him via radio. Hawk does indeed find Charlie, and the two are the original odd couple: Hawk is serious and straight-faced, while Charlie is a joker. They must navigate all manner of traps, pitfalls and killer bad guys as they attempt to exit the jungle alive. But will Hawk snap at having to be subjected to Charlie’s antics the whole time?

Unfortunately, Mercenary II is just not very good. Even though it has reasonably high production values, and a decent cast, those two positives are smothered by a paint-by-numbers script which is nothing more than your standard jungle slog we’ve seen so many times before. Nicholas Turturro plays the “comedy irritant”, the Joe Pesci-like Italian guy (with the code name “Pizza Man”) who never shuts up and has an annoying nasal voice. How did he get into the Mercenary business anyway? Robert Townsend tries to liven up the proceedings with wacky dances, faces, and one-liners, but it’s not enough to make the movie as a whole very interesting or engaging. Gruner is decent as the stone-faced Hawk, but the sheer stupidity of the whole venture is overwhelming.

The movie doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be. One moment it’s a military-style shoot ‘em up, the next it’s a goofy comedy with Townsend mugging it up for the camera. This mix of serious and goofy can best be described as “goofius”. The Rush Hour (1998)  franchise brought this into the mainstream with seemingly big financial benefit...but instead of Jackie Chan, imagine Daniel Bernhardt, Van Damme, or Olivier Gruner as the straight man. Can anyone conclusively confirm that Bernhardt and Gruner are two different people? Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Because if the aforementioned three men are indeed separate people, they should all star in a movie together. A confusing, confusing movie.

The movie is probably TRYING to be good (and we should say that Claudia Christian is good in it, especially as the cover model for “Multi Billionaire” magazine), but a bunch of unnecessary pop-cultural references mixed in with some gun-shooting just isn’t enough to get a movie off the ground. Mercenary II is in the vein of Perfect Target (1997), Decoy (1995) and Overkill (1996). If we’re comparing your movie, in any way, shape or form to Overkill, RUN. Like Overkill, this movie was shot in Mexico and has an unbelievably lame ending.

The writers behind Mercenary II must be thick, because the plot is thin. Avoid.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

The Circuit 2: The Final Punch (2002)

The Circuit 2: The Final Punch (2002)-* *

Directed by: Jalal Merhi

Starring: Olivier Gruner, Lorenzo Lamas, Michael Blanks, Jim Shagen, Jalal Merhi, Chino XL, Gail Harris, and Gary Hudson











 Dirk Longstreet (Gruner) is a school athletic coach and dog lover, and has the pride of knowing he has the most awesome name in town. His girlfriend Nicole (Harris) is a newspaper reporter, and her latest assignment is to find out the dark secrets of Ogden Correctional Institution. While there, she is attacked so badly she’s put into a coma. 

Dirk, with the help of  Nicole’s editor Max (Lamas), 
working as his contact on the outside, decides to enter Ogden and get to the truth. But the corrupt guards are running Punchfighting matches, known as “The Circuit” - they even compete against other prisons’ illegal underground Punchfighting Circuits like it’s some kind of NCAA seed. But Dirk is an able fighter, and he’s going to have to be to take on the reigning champ, the evil Pike (Shagen). What will happen to Dirk - and what will happen to Nicole? We may never know!

The Circuit 2: The Final Punch, whose subtitle contains the word “punch”  which is a surprisingly rare thing, even for Punchfighters. It’s also surprising that there are actually THREE Circuit movies. Why? Can anyone answer this? Anyway, as you’ve already surmised, it’s a combination prison movie/Punchfighter, but it’s no In Hell (2003). 

Olivier Gruner (or is it Daniel Bernhardt, we can’t really tell anymore...) is fairly solid in the immortal role of Dirk Longstreet, but Lamas is underused here, even wasted. You can tell he doesn’t really care, but, in his defense, would you? But his “I don’t care” performance is actually appropriate and one of the better aspects of this movie.

Besides the cheapness, unintentional “laffs” and out-and-out stupidity, which gets pretty grating after a while, there’s a certain dullness about the movie. Sure, it has a cool training sequence, but that’s just not enough. Even the scene where Chino XL and a bunch of his homies show up at the offices where Lamas works to say “we don’t like what you wrote about us” (hey, it’s plausible...doesn’t it happen all the time?) is funny, but we can’t really tell if it’s on purpose or not.

Jalal Merhi, who’s in the movie for a few minutes (and literally phones in his performance) delivers, as a director, a movie with an amateurish structure. Plus you can’t really tell when the movie is from. Apparently it came out in 2002, but it seems mid-90’s. The second half of the movie is largely back-to-back fighting on the beach, strongly reminiscent of The Ultimate Game (2001). When J.D. Rifkin is your role model, there are some serious problems.

As far as the “seedy jail” sequences, most of the major cliches are on show, such as the classic “prison speech” when the inmates first get to Ogden. The prison T-shirts have the name and number seemingly written-on in marker, and Michael Blanks, Billy’s brother who also appeared in Expect No Mercy (1995), plays the sympathetic friend to Dirk. But, Dirk doesn’t use his own name while in prison, presumably not to sully it, much like how a hand model always wears gloves. He goes by the name “Jim Morrison”. Presumably his first choice for a jailhouse moniker, Engelbert Humperdinck, was already taken.

In all, even though the cast is solid, the dumb and dingy Circuit 2 is not. It’s not offensively horrible, but we still felt kind of bad for Lamas and Gruner (and pretty much everyone else), because they should be involved with better projects. Did we mention Gruner’s name in the movie is Dirk Longstreet?

Also check out reviews by our buddies, The Video Vacuum and DTVC!

Comeuppance Review by Ty and Brett

Extreme Honor (2001)

Extreme Honor (2001) -* *

Directed by: Steve Rush

Starring: Michael Madsen, Olivier Gruner, Edward Albert, Antonio Fargas, Martin Kove, Charles Napier and Michael Ironside










"Extreme Honor" has one thing going for it: A hilarious title! As an added bonus, a character uses it in a sentence! "You have a lot of honor, You have extreme honor." If you are renting it for the usual antics by Michael Ironside, Olivier Gruner and Michael Madsen, you'll be disappointed. They don't have a lot of screen time.



The gunfight at the end is so fake, it's funny. Instead of bullets flying through the air like a John Woo movie, it just shows a flash of the gun and a sound effect. If you love that idea, let me introduce you to "Red Serpent"....



Comeuppance Review By: Ty