Prepare To Die (2024)

 

Prepare To Die (2024)- * * *

Dirtected by: Jose Montesinos

Starring: Ryan Padilla, Craig Ng, Zhan Wang, Brylee Hsu, Andrew Pinon, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, Paula Rae Taylor, Rylan Williams, Michael Madsen, and Lorenzo Lamas

When Diego Padilla (Ryan Padilla) was just a young tot, the diabolical "Ruler of the Town" - you know the type - Blaine Richtefield (Lamas) one day just showed up on his family's land. Richtefield claimed he needed it so he could create a "beef farm". Said beef farm was so important to Richtefield to farm beef, he killed Padilla's parents. The goons were about to kill Diego as well, but with the help of Richtefield's sympathetic driver Silas (Wang), he escaped. Silas, being Chinese and all, sent Diego to live with his relatives in China. He figured it's going to take that amount of distance to keep him safe from the clutches of Richtefield. While in China, Diego trains in Martial Arts for ten years with Bingwen (Ng) and Xin Yi (Hsu), Silas's kin.




However, after those ten years, Diego figures that's enough time to then return to the States (or is it Mexico?) to get his revenge on Richtefield. Along the way he assembles a team of other people who also have been wronged by Richtefield: William Freeman (Williams), Blanca (Taylor), and James Swiftwater (Pinon). Each has their own skill set, i.e., Blanca is good with knives, Swiftwater has six-shooters, etc. Even though Richtefield has expanded his evil empire to include drugs and prostitution, and has a pimp/sidekick named Ryan Fruitwood (Jackson), Sheriff Hansen (Madsen) just looks the other way. Will our heroes finally take down the nefarious Blaine Richtefield? PREPARE to watch Tubi today!




Ryan Fruitwood. James Swiftwater. Blaine Richtefield. They're ALL HERE! Thanks to the genius character naming by writers Jose Montesinos (also the director) and Jacob David Smith, Prepare to Die consistenly holds the viewers' interest, because people in the movie are always saying these colorful names.




That being said, Prepare to Die is a fairly loving throwback to the 80's/90's-style "assemble a team and beat the bad guy"-type of action film. It doesn't offer anything particularly new to the mix - unless you count go-for-broke character names - but, then again, if you were seeking shocking and startling cinematic originality, you wouldn't be watching Prepare to Die in the first place. The fact that fan favorites Lorenzo Lamas and Michael Madsen are here - together for the first time - is reason enough to watch the film. Lamas plays the dastardly Richtefield (they say that name A LOT in the movie, so get ready for that) with what you might call "awkward aplomb" - he seems at ease, but not really. It's hard to explain. You just have to watch PTD to see what we mean. He looks like a cross between Richard Moll and Neal McDonough in the film. When he and his goons originally killed Diego's parents, he had gray hair. How, after ten years, did Diego know Richtefield wouldn't just die of natural causes? I guess it's just a chance he had to take.




As for our old buddy Mike Madsen...well, let's just say that it's a good thing that Tubi offers subtitles on all its films. It may not be one of his more coherent or "caring" performances, but it doesn't matter. Madsen is always entertaining to watch and this is no exception. Rampage doesn't do a heck of a lot here - his role is slightly bigger than in Acceleration (2019), but not by much. Our main hero, Ryan Padilla as Diego Padilla, is like an angrier Justin Long.




Curiously, there's a lot of unnecessarily repetitive dialogue throughout the film. For example, Diego at one point mentions "money I saved from working" - as if there was another income source he wanted to make sure the audience wasn't considering. Or, at a scene where the Freeman character is playing pool, he says something like, "No one can beat me at pool". We as the audience can see you're playing pool. The second half of that sentence is not needed.




There are other examples of repetition as well - there are multiple scenes of people saying they're afraid to go up against Richtefield, then eventually agreeing to. If the film had less repetition, and instead maybe a few more beat-em-up/shooting scenes, we might have a bit more of a winner on our hands. Repetition is especially noticeable in a made-for-Tubi movie, because we have to sit through six commercials for Mint Mobile just to get to the next scene. So to cover ground we've already covered seems even more superfluous than usual.




However, the filmmakers clearly "get it" - they wanted to make an old-school actioner and they did. We give all due credit and kudos to them for that. We can look past some of the silly-looking CGI (there's not much of it), because it's 2024 and apparently that's the way it is now. We don't have much choice, apparently. So, for the Madsen & Lamas factor, and to get a look behind the curtain of evil beef farms, Prepare to Die is worth a watch.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Strength and Honour (2007)

 

Strength and Honour (2007)- * * *

Directed: Mark Mahon

Starring: Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones, Luke Whelton, Richard Chamberlain, and Patrick Bergin

Sean Kelleher (Madsen) used to be 'The Best' - in this case, the best boxer in County Cork, Ireland. When he accidentally kills a man in the ring, he gives up punching forever. He even promises his young son Michael (Whelton) he'll never box again. Things change drastically when it turns out that Michael has a rare heart condition that only a Los Angeles doctor and $300,000 will cure. Going back to what he knows, Sean is aware that a local no rules bareknuckle fighting tournament called the Puck could be the answer to his money woes.



So, because he's been out of the game for so long, he goes back to his old trainer, O'Leary (Chamberlain). But the current champion of the Puck is a dangerously violent and unstable lunatic named Smasher O'Driscoll (Jones). Apparently, you don't just win the Puck - if you win, you are the Puck. You are also crowned King of the Travellers. Someone with a stable house (i.e. not a trailer) is not even allowed to enter the Puck. You have to be a Traveller, which appears to our American eyes to be a sort of Irish Gypsy. Leader of these people, Papa Boss (Bergin), helps Sean and his supporters in their mission. Now Sean is fighting for a cause. Not because he just enjoys hitting people, like Smasher, but because his son's life is on the line. To defeat Smasher and win/become the Puck, and become King of the Travellers, he's going to need Strength - but does he have the Honour?



Strength and Honour is an earnest Irish drama that also happens to be a Punchfighter. That might account for the divided opinion that seems to follow the film. Lovers of earnest Irish dramas probably aren't going to watch it (or will never have heard of it), but the sort of viewer that enjoys the simple-minded spectacle of shirtless men endlessly punching each other likely won't warm to the more dramatic aspects.


The familiar story trajectory we've seen many times before, rather than grating on the viewer with cliches, feels more comfortable this time around, kind of like coming home. While the Puck is Punchfighting through and through, the rabid crowds don't clutch cash in their hands. That's because these working-class people probably don't have much cash to spare, but also because the Puck is not about money. It's about tradition, and, yes, Strength and Honour.


We're spelling "Honour" like that because this film never received a U.S. release, so American distributors never got the chance to change it to the U-less spelling. In any case, What makes all the difference is that Madsen really seems to care about the proceedings. Like Marlon Brando or Burt Reynolds, Madsen is an actor that, if he feels the material is not worth caring about, he openly just doesn't. But, thankfully, here he does. DTV fans may just want to tune in for the final fight between Vinnie Jones and Michael Madsen, a confrontation not seen before or since (as of this writing).


But there's a lot more going on here to sink your teeth into. Patrick Bergin and Richard Chamberlain of all people round out the more well-known names in the cast. Both are quite welcome and help the film to rise above its low-budget station. Better-than-average outdoor cinematography (the indoor scenes are a bit dark) also helps a lot, and even in the more downtrodden places, the viewer gets a glimpse of the beauty of Ireland. The acting is also top-shelf and there's plenty of grit to go around.

Now, the last time we saw an Irish film about someone who trains for a fighting tournament - a sort of Irish Kumite, if you will - it was Fatal Deviation (1998). Besides the plot similarities, these two outings could not be more different. S&H is somber and downbeat. FD is silly and ridiculous. If you feel like comparing and contrasting, a double feature would probably be an interesting night's entertainment.



To quote Imdb user themoviehunter-1: "Strength and Honor is a story of hope and personal triumph, and in this world filled with Matrix-wannabees, B-level comedy full of toilet humor, and 300 million dollar glitz, it's refreshing to find a film with no gratuitous sex, gore, or profanity. This film has such a strong and simple theme, you won't have a feeling of apprehension taking your 13 year-old daughter to see it (and she'll probably hug you on the way out of the theater). To put it in a single phrase, this movie is what good film-making is all about."

While Strength and Honour may be serious-minded, we still get a flamboyant psycho as only Vinnie Jones can do it, regarding the Smasher character. There's much else to recommend here, so we won't mention everything, but we will definitely give Strength and Honour a strong recommendation.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Last Hour (2008)

 

Last Hour (2008)- * *

Directed by: Pascal Caubet

Starring: Michael Madsen, DMX, Tony D'Amario, Tommy Wong, Krystana Ferentz,  Pascal "Kobe" Caubet, Monica Cruz, Paul Sorvino, and David Carradine

When a group of "dangerous men with guns" are summoned to a house somewhere in China, a potentially volatile situation presents itself. They all have nicknames, and they are: Monk (Madsen), Mr. Casino (D'Amario), Black Jack (DMX), Poker (Caubet), and Shang (Wong). A woman nicknamed Poison (Ferentz) invites them into the house. After a lot of mutual suspicion, they find out they can't get out and they only have an hour to live. Detectives Mike Stone (Carradine) and Rosa Mulero (Cruz) from the NYPD follow them to the house and a standoff begins. And what does Steinfeld (Sorvino) have to do with any of this? Will it be THE LAST HOUR for our assembled houseguests?


If you loved the utter incoherence of Diamond Cartel (2015), also starring Madsen, you'll also love The Last Hour. It's pretty surprising that they weren't directed by the same person. The Last Hour isn't a movie in the traditional sense that we all know, it's more of a 95-minute series of disjointed, puzzling incongruities. If you've seen one or the other of these whackadoo outings, you'll know what we're talking about. If you haven't, it's hard to recommend them outright, but we can guarantee you won't see anything like them.


This isn't to be confused with The Last Hour (1991) starring Michael Pare and Shannon Tweed - this particular Last Hour is directed by, and stars, a French gentleman named Pascal Caubet who goes by the name Kobe. The Last Hour was his first and last theatrical (i.e. not a telefilm) outing to date and lord only knows what he was thinking.



The first third or so of the film jumps from Reno, to New York, to San Diego, to "Somewhere in Eastern Europe", to Beijing, to Miami, to Macau, to Hong Kong, and probably some other places we've forgotten. With each place, we seemingly get a new plot. When we finally land at the "13th Precinct" in NYC, we find out that this particular precinct doesn't use lights. New York's finest wander around in literal darkness as they try to solve crimes.


Before all this, we get a trailer-like montage of scenes that we're about to see. Then during the opening credits, many of them are illegible. Perhaps they were trying to be so cool, they forgot to include a readable font. At some point we're introduced to Michael Madsen's hair, which looks like someone glued a kid's stuffed lion doll on his head. Kobe's accent is impenetrably thick most of the time.


DMX seems to be trying to inject some much-needed energy into the proceedings, but it all comes up against the brick wall of the quizzical, shoulder-shrugging randomness of the film itself. He mainly ends up yelling and pointing his gun at people, which is what almost every character does. Points should also go to Tony D'Amario as Mr. Casino, who was one of the better characters. He was known for his appearance in District B13 (2004), but, sadly, The Last Hour was D'Amario's final screen appearance. While D'Amario passed away in 2005, the film was released three years later, in '08. His career was just getting going. That was truly unfortunate.


More than likely thanks to the fact that Caubet somehow managed to wrangle a very solid B-Movie cast together for this, it received a DVD release. There are no features on the disc which might explain what the heck we just watched. Because none of this makes any sense, it's hard to care about the characters or what happens to be happening to them. If none of the above bothers you, feel free to check it out, but you've been warned.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Diamond Cartel (2015)

Diamond Cartel (2015)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Salamat Mukhammed- Ali

Starring: Armand Assante, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Michael Madsen, Bolo Yeung, Olivier Gruner, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, Tiny Lister, and Peter O'Toole as Tugboat 

To the extent that it's possible for a human mind to comprehend it, Diamond Cartel appears to be about a gangster named Mussa (Assante) and another gangster named Khazar (Tagawa), who both want a large diamond. Somehow a boyfriend-girlfriend team in Kazakhstan get the diamond and go on the run. In the meantime, a parade of cameos appear before our eyes, which include such fan favorites as Michael Madsen, Tiny Lister, Bolo Yeung, Olivier Gruner, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, and, of course, Peter O'Toole as Tugboat. In his final film role, of course. Sure, it's an utterly confusing mess, but that's part of the fun...we think.


Get ready for a nutso trip to Kazakhstan if you dare to enter the kooky, wacky, and crazy world of Diamond Cartel. As if the fact that it makes no sense wasn't enough, there's also narration over the top of it, as if that clears anything up. In addition to that, just about everybody in the film is dubbed in a highly amusing manner, the two most noteworthy examples being Don "The Dragon" Wilson and Peter O'Toole. We're not sure why they dubbed The Dragon here. But, then again, we're not sure why they did anything they did.

As fans, we know Wilson's inimitable voice. You could say he has one of the most recognizable voices in DTV action. So when you see him on screen, and this odd, other voice comes out, you can't help but laugh. Same goes for Peter O'Toole. Just how they got O'Toole to be in this oddity is anybody's guess, but when they did, they used someone else's voice, and he sounds a bit like Darth Vader. Like many in the cast of fan favorites, his screen time is very limited.


Speaking of limited screen time, Madsen, Lister, and Gruner - who, by themselves, would make a great cast in their own right - get very minimal roles. All three together probably equal about a minute of screen time, if you can believe that. It's really mere seconds for the bunch. Bolo gets more, including a fight at the end, and he only says one word in the film - "Yo".

There's a section at roughly the halfway mark that runs for about 15-20 minutes where everyone's voices echo. Then it goes away. It makes about as much sense as anything else going on around here. There are ridiculous green screen and other CGI-type effects. People yell while shooting machine guns. Sometimes there are shootouts, blow-ups or fights. Out of all the stars of the film, we get to see Armand Assante the most. He wears several absurd outfits, including a suit with no shirt underneath the jacket. He screams and yells, just as you want him to. At least he dubs his own voice. It would be a real tragedy if he didn't.

What else can we say about Diamond Cartel? It's just one of those movies you have to see to believe. For the cast, plus the nonsense, we would actually recommend it. But just keep in mind you will be puzzled throughout the experience.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

The Ghost (2001)

The Ghost (2001)- * * *

Directed by: Douglas Jackson

Starring: Michael Madsen, Julie Lee, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Richard Hatch, Michael Paul Chan, Al Leong, George Cheung, Brad Hunt, Louis Herthum, James Hong, Brad Dourif, and Henry Smalls as Henry

Jing (Lee) is an assassin for the Tongs who is so elusive, she's known as "The Ghost". After she gets on the wrong side of evil baddie Chang (Tagawa), he vows to hunt her down and kill her. She makes that much harder for him by flying from Hong Kong to Los Angeles so she can pose as the Asian mail-order bride to a man named Edward Cosgrove (Hatch). While initially the relationship between the two is just for her cover, she gradually begins to genuinely fall for the good-natured Edward.

Meanwhile, an underling for Chang, Inspector Wu (Chan), and a bunch of his heavies, follow Jing to L.A. But because they don't know where she is, they end up at the doorstep of one Daniel Olinghouse (Madsen), of Olinghouse Bail Bonds. Olinghouse and a Lt. Garland (Dourif) of the LAPD have a working relationship despite some past troubles, and the men are tasked by Chang and Wu to find Jing. 

But it comes at an ever-increasing price. Olinghouse's bail bondsmen Browner (Herthum) and Sink (Hunt) may be masters of disguise, but it's going to take all the ingenuity of Olinghouse to finally track down the crafty Jing. Will anyone finally bust THE GHOST?

Yes, The Ghost is stupid and dumb and all that, but thankfully it's the GOOD kind of stupid and dumb. It's all very enjoyable and entertaining - far more so than you'd think it might be. Of course, there are the standard low-budget pitfalls: a cheap overall look, rough edits, amateurish acting, questionable fight choreography, and the like, but somehow, against all odds, it manages to win you over. You have to love it. It only adds to the viewing experience. 

If you like awkward dialogue delivered awkwardly amidst awkward stagings, The Ghost is the movie for you. It easily could have been another dud like Double Deception (2001), but it manages to sidestep that by having a silly charm all its own.

The solid cast and 85-minute running time also help a lot. First off, we have Julie Lee as The Ghost. Her character does go through an important arc: she starts off as an Asian Minnie Driver, but she ends up as an Asian Anjelica Huston. We really grew to love her flat-as-a-board line readings in her husky (some wags might say "mannish") voice. Especially in her "beating up MAP's (Middle-Aged Punks)" scene, she was reminiscent of Tiana Alexandra going undercover as "Cinderella Pu" in Catch the Heat (1987). She was good in her Martial Arts fight scenes, but it's hard not to be upstaged by Henry Smalls as Henry.

The Ghost, as a film in total, needed more Henry! His character was unquestionably the movie's highlight. Any time he was on screen, we shouted "Yes!" We loved him, and we should have seen more of him. 

Of course, there's plenty of Michael Madsen here for us all to enjoy. He brings his classic charisma, gravelly voice, and fantastic fashion choices to the fore. He's sort of the nucleus of the film and what we see revolves around him. The scenes between Madsen and Brad Dourif showcase an "odd couple" vibe that's fun to watch. Tagawa plays - you guessed it - a bad guy, just as he's done in every role in his career. We'd love to see something where he plays the good guy. But it seems he was typecast just because he looks evil. It's a shame.

On the other end of that spectrum, Richard Hatch plays the innocent guy caught up in all this, not to mention the romantic male lead, and honestly it's probably the best Hatch we've seen to date.

B-Movie mainstays such as Al Leong, George Cheung, and James Hong, among others, round out the cast. The whole outing is amusing and funny. Maybe you have to have a sense of humor to enjoy The Ghost, which it seems not everybody does.

The early 00's were not the best time for movies, so that means that The Ghost is probably the best movie of 2001 by default. For B-Movie DTV denizens such as ourselves, it's well worth seeking out.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Skin Traffik (2015)

Skin Traffik (2015)- * * *

AKA: A Hitman in London

Directed by: Ara Paiaya

Starring: Gary Daniels, Dominique Swain, Daryl Hannah, Jeff Fahey, Eric Roberts, Michael Madsen, and Mickey Rourke







Bradley (Daniels) was a hitman, but he gave it all up. But a chance meeting on the streets of London with a prostitute named Anna Peel (Swain) slowly embroils him in the danger of the underworld once again. 

Not only does he have to face the goons sent forth by the guy that used to run him, known only as The Executive (Roberts), but also a pair of evil SKIN TRAFFIKers named The Boss (Madsen) and Zhanna (Hannah) are wise to Bradley ruining all their operations. Teaming up with a mysterious diamond merchant named Jacob Andries (Fahey), the two men aim to find Anna's missing sister...and take down the baddies's operations forever. But what will Vogel (Rourke) have to say about all this? Find out when a HITMAN IN LONDON comes to your screen...



Thank goodness for Ara Paiaya. He's one of the few people out there delivering old school-style action movies for the fans. We saw the follow-up to Skin Traffik, Instant Death (2017), first, and really enjoyed it. But we liked Skin Traffik even more. It's very hard to lose when you put Gary Daniels in the main hero role and he goes around busting heads. Surround him with a top-notch cast of B-Movie regulars and you have a real winner on your hands.

The plot is sort of Urban Justice (2007) meets Taken (2008) meets the aforementioned Instant Death. Again, a very winning formula. The whole thing kicks off, quite literally, with Gary Daniels looking for the time-honored "Disk" just like in all the action movies of the old days. 

The only difference now is he's asking Mickey Rourke, who is almost unrecognizable here. If it wasn't for his voice, we wouldn't have recognized him at all. Whatever happened to growing old gracefully? He looks like a cross between what happened to Kenny Rogers, Jocelyn Wildenstein, and an old Hollywood agent. Gary Daniels still looks good and seems vital because he doesn't go in for any of that superficial muck. 

Fan favorite Madsen brings his classic charisma and his gravelly voice to the proceedings. It would have been nice to see him and Daryl Hannah in other settings besides just that one room, but we're still happy they're there. Same goes for Eric Roberts, who also puts in an enjoyable performance, but for most of it, it's a classic sit-down role. To be fair, he does get up later, however. The whole rest of the cast is fantastic and we're very happy they all agreed to be in this low-budget DTV action movie.

Sure, some of the action scenes are a bit rough around the edges, but the viewer can tell they were done with a lot of heart. The sped-up action and the CGI were not even needed. For a true old-school feel, they should have been eschewed, especially with Gary Daniels at the helm. But, on the whole, those are minor quibbles and we really enjoyed Skin Traffik immensely. 

You can tell that Paiaya and his compatriots really cared about what they were doing, and that shines through to us, the viewer. If he chooses to continue down this road of action filmmaking, which he clearly has a lot of affection for, the sky's the limit for what he can do in the future. We wholeheartedly recommend Skin Traffik.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up by our buddy, DTVC!

Blue Tiger (1994)

Blue Tiger (1994)- * * *

Directed by: Norberto Barba

Starring: Virginia Madsen, Toru Nakamura, Henry Mortensen, Dean Hallo, Brenda Varda, Yuji Okumoto, Harry Dean Stanton, and a cameo by Michael Madsen

Gina Hayes (Madsen) is a loving single mother to her young son Darin (Mortensen). When Darin is shot in the crossfire of a Yakuza war, Gina drops whatever it was she was doing, learns Japanese, dyes her hair black, and puts on her leather revenge jacket. She obsessively and single-mindedly attempts to track down her son’s murderer, and her only clue (because the assailant wore a mask) is that he has a very recognizable tattoo on his chest.

She gets a job as a waitress in a dance club where the Yakuza hangs out, then begins the laborious process of coming up with reasons for all of them to get shirtless so she can identify the killer. When ailing tattoo master Smith (Stanton) emblazons her body with a certain red dragon, it signals that she is close to fulfilling her mission. But the Yakuza is getting wise, her friend Emily (Varda) is against her, and “Asian Crimes Inspector” Lt. Sakagami (Okumoto) is on her trail. With time running out, she must unravel the true nature of her newfound relationship with Seiji (Nakamura). Who – or what – is the real meaning of BLUE TIGER?

Virginia Madsen versus the Yakuza. Killer idea. Thankfully, the movie more or less delivers. It’s well-shot and technically is quality all the way around. It can certainly stand with other movies cut from a similar cloth such as American Yakuza (1993), American Dragons (1998), and White Tiger (1996). It’s noticeably better than Distant Justice (1992), another American-Japanese co-production from the same era.



While it does feature some beat-ups and shooting (including a noteworthy, classic-90’s drive-by), we’re not in PM territory here. The movie concentrates largely on drama, but is punctuated at appropriate times with well-executed action scenes. The Japanese actors acquit themselves well as usual, and the presence of top-flight actors like Madsen, fan favorite Harry Dean Stanton, and No Retreat No Surrender’s Dean Hallo really help things. Virginia’s brother Michael has a cameo as a gun dealer for the classic scene where the revenge-seeker (in this case Virginia, of course) goes to a gun range and learns to shoot.

Blue Tiger is a worthy addition to the revenge movie canon. Thanks to films like this one, video stores in a now-bygone era had added color and interest. It’s all very professional and serious-minded. Perhaps too much so: it actually could have been more exploitative and trashy, but that was eschewed. The plot is a bit slow-moving in the middle, but it rights itself. 

Blue Tiger is recommended, especially for revenge film fans.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Red Line (1995)

Red Line (1995)- *1\2

Directed by: John Sjogren

Starring: Chad McQueen, Dom DeLuise, Michael Madsen, Jan-Michael Vincent, Roxana Zal, Corey Feldman, Robert Z'Dar, Julie Strain, and Chuck Zito

Jimmy (McQueen) is an auto mechanic and part-time stick-up man who uses the cars people drop off to speed away in after he finishes his petty heists. Despite the disapproval of his boss, Jerry (DeLuise), Jimmy ends up working for crime boss Keller (Vincent) as a driver. 

While doing this, a series of events occurs: He discovers the truth about Tony (Feldman) and Crystal (Strain) – the brother and wife respectively of rival crime boss Mr. Lawrence (Madsen), and he also gains possession of a special Corvette with a surprise inside. Even though Gene (Z’Dar), one of Keller’s goons, is on his trail, Jimmy manages to go on the run with Gem (Zal), who is escaping the clutches of her abusive boyfriend Dick (Zito). Is any of this making sense? Or, when it comes to seeing this movie, will you be drawing a RED LINE in the sand?

The Lone Tiger effect, as we call it, seems to be something we can never escape. Any time we see a cast list of this many B-Movie faces, it draws us in and proves impossible to resist. Yet again, sadly, we were disappointed. Despite the star power involved, Red Line just isn’t that…well…involving. 

One of the bright spots was the brief appearance of Dom DeLuise, who is just too talented to be hemmed in by a dire production like this. The supposed hero, Jimmy, is an unlikable criminal and he’s the guy we’re supposed to be rooting for? Evidently Chad McQueen thought so, as not only was he the star, he’s also credited with stunt driving, casting, and producing. He was really involved with this project, and while, on the whole, it’s probably a better movie than Money to Burn (1996) - produced by and starring a lot of the same people – it’s not as funny as MTB. But it’s about as dumb, so that equation doesn’t really work out well in the viewer’s favor. Most of Chad’s shirts have sleeves this time around, so it looks like our Chad is finally growing up. 

Jan-Michael Vincent’s grotesque appearance – apparently the result of a real-life car accident – only helps his character, but it’s all pretty unpleasant. Chuck Zito’s line readings are pure gold, and the presences of Robert Z’Dar and Julie Strain are always welcome. Even Joe Estevez and none other than Ron Jeremy have cameos. Corey Feldman wears a silly jacket and holds his gun sideways. Roxana Zal plays the inexplicably pretty car wash girl. What drew all these people to be in this substandard movie? Maybe director Sjogren has a lot of charisma. Frankly, we’re surprised Ian Jacklin isn’t involved. 

Ron Jeremy plays a gardener whose name is Gardner. So, that’s the level of intelligence on display here…but did you expect anything else going in? We, as viewers, have to wait a whopping 63 minutes until we get to Michael Madsen to be in the mix of this broth. But really, there are no surprises on show with Red Line. It’s a very long 90 minutes. It’s similar to Sjogren’s Strip N’ Run (2000), also starring Madsen.

There should have been scenes of Chad McQueen beating up the many goons the crime bosses send after him, or some such action setpieces. But aside from some driving stuff and a few mild blow-ups, the action factor is low. Just imagine No Man’s Land (1987) but with no Charlie Sheen, nothing really interesting happens, and there are boom mike shadows on the walls. This could have been a really easy fix: make the hero likable and give him goons to fight. Boom. Better movie. But no, sadly, Red Line opts for the stupider road less traveled (that’s less-traveled for a reason). 

In the end, despite the stellar cast, Red Line stalls out.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Death Squad (2014)

Death Squad (2014)- * *

Directed by: Alessandro Capone

Starring: Stephen Baldwin, Daryl Hannah, Rutger Hauer, Neva Leoni, Danny Glover and Michael Madsen

It appears that sometime in the year 2047, some bad guys called the Confederate Central Government, or CCG, are up to no good. Just exactly what they want is not made clear. The top brass at CCG are Colonel Asimov (Hauer) and Major Anderson (Hannah). A soldier on the opposing side, which is evidently called GreenWar (not to be confused with anything else that may be a bit more peaceful) named Ryan Willburn (Baldwin) is sent into some sort of danger zone to collect evidence against the CCG. If they’re so all-powerfully evil, we’re not sure why this is necessary. The man sending him on the mission is named Sponge (Glover) and he spouts nonsense philosophy and types away on old-school computers. 

Things get complicated for Willburn’s mission when he meets an Avatar-style mutant/alien/whatever named Tuag (Leoni). When the CCG hires a flashy mercenary named Lobo (Madsen) to do God-knows-what, chaos breaks loose. Apparently chaos can be quite boring. Anyway, will Ryan Willburn and Tuag live to look confused in the dark again? Don’t bother finding out...

We’re not sure what this was supposed to be, exactly. There’s no there there. Death Squad is a  movie that runs solely on the charisma of the actors involved, and nothing else. If it didn’t have Hauer, Hannah, Madsen, and Baldwin, and had a bunch of no-name actors running around in the dark on the one set they had, it would have been complete torture to watch (AKA Albert Pyun-level). As it stands, there are moments that you think just may be entertaining enough to be stupid. Either that, or moments that are stupid enough to be entertaining. We’re still not sure which. 

Whenever Madsen is on screen, he livens things up. He has a cool coat and even his own theme music. This time, his attitude of not caring is entirely justified. The audience can relate. Rutger Hauer spits out some nonsensical dialogue and seems confused. Daryl Hannah is there as one of the Nazi-esque soldiers, and Baldwin was clearly recalling his role as Weed in the classic Dead Weekend (1995). Danny Glover does what we call a ‘sit-down’ role, though we think he stands up briefly at one point. There’s even what we call the PT (Prerequisite Torture), but this time it’s PTT - the Prerequisite Torture of Tuag. All of this should have hit video stores somewhere between 1998 and 2003. Yet, inexplicably, it came out in 2014. Audiences should demand to know why.

While, yes, the movie has no structure, it’s filmed on what appears to be one set, in the dark, actors look at computerized screens and say nonsensical things for 80 minutes, and it’s all doubtlessly stupid, it’s still better than April Rain (2014). That’s the tricky thing about watching - and reviewing - movies. Whether you realize it or not, it’s all about context. If you watch April Rain, then just about anything else, the movie you watch after that is going to seem good - perhaps better than you’d normally think it would be. Your experience is colored by subconscious comparison. If we had watched something really awesome beforehand, we might be tougher on Death Squad, but because we watched April Rain the day before, we were in a really forgiving mood. All that being said, it still tested our patience to the limit and we came away unhappy. 

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Ultimate Target (2000)

Ultimate Target (2000)- * 

Directed by: Darren Doane

Starring: Gary Daniels, Michael Madsen, David "Shark" Fralick, and George Cheung

Thomas Kane (or is it Cane?) (Daniels) is a hitman. He works on sort of a “board of directors” of other hitmen and hitwomen. These hitpeople are overseen by their boss, a guy named Raymond (Cheung). It’s Raymond’s job to keep people like Uncle (Madsen) and Johnny (Fralick), among others, in line. 

Kane gets out of line when he begins double-dealing: he takes money from his intended victims as payment for sparing their lives. When the organization finds out about this, they get mad and send all their employees after Kane, thus making him the ULTIMATE TARGET. The only problem is, his wife Jody (Denier) and his daughter didn’t know about his profession and now they’re on the run from the baddies. Holing up in yet another dusty ol’ town, Kane prepares to take on the dangerous people he once worked with. But will he be successful?

We hate to be the bearer of bad news. I mean, we really, really do. It pains us to report that, after fifteen years of waiting to see this quasi-unreleased movie, we found that it was a disappointment. We understand that it was plagued with production problems and was swept under the rug, along with a lot of DTV product of that time (and a decent chunk of Michael Madsen’s career), becoming another casualty of the low-budget DTV downturn of the late 90’s/early 2000’s.  It was around this time that the DTV bubble went bust, and items like Ultimate Target make it easy to see why. Not only is it a Tarantino Slog (a term we coined), but, at this point in time, it’s safe to say that it’s also a Guy Ritchie slog. Let’s just say it hasn’t withstood the test of time.

We were truly excited to see one of our favorite actors, Gary Daniels, team up with Michael Madsen. Even the (unnecessary?) narration from Daniels’s character is helped along by his mellifluous voice. This is countered by Madsen’s gravelly voice, which is ALMOST enough to keep the movie afloat, but the only problem is that we hear way too much of their voices. 

In true Tarantino Slog style, this movie is extremely talky. We needed less talk, more rock. Characters gratuitously eat/talk about breakfast cereal, reminding you instantly of Eric Stoltz’s character in Pulp Fiction. There’s a ton of other yak-yak, and when we finally get to see some fight scenes, they are pulled and stretched in varying combos of slow motion and fast motion. As we have stated before, we really hate fast motion. Another thing we hate, bathroom humor, is also, sadly, here. Maybe the characters talked about everything else there is to talk about and finally reached the bathroom. Not good. Another strike. 

On the bright side, Daniels is good in the movie and tries against all odds to make everything work. Even when what surrounds him is weak, Daniels always remains watchable. The pairing with Madsen didn’t live up to its full potential, but Daniels was reunited with his old Deadly Target (1994)/Fistof the North Star (1995)/White Tiger (1996) co-star George Cheung. We have always admired Cheung and his impressive resume. But this whole outing doesn’t FEEL right. Almost like it wasn’t fully completed, which perhaps it wasn’t.  It’s all very similar to the comparable Double Tap (1997). In that particular T-Slog, Stephen Rea is the hitman, and the rest of the cast jabberjaws on about a bunch of needless topics. Please consult that review for a more in-depth analysis of the aforementioned Tarantino Slog.

In the end, Ultimate Target (AKA Ides of March, not to be confused with the Ryan Gosling movie of the same name, though it would have been cool to see Gary Daniels in Gosling’s role) proves definitively that characters walking in slow motion either with or without sunglasses is not enough to make a complete film. 2000 was just about he moment when the shorthand replaced the substance. Much like Hostile Intent’s beloved Pastebucket McWoo, the last thing we as viewers see, if you stick it out all the way to the END of the end credits, is this, and we quote: “2001 Giants Entertinment”. Yes, that’s right. They misspelled “Entertainment”. And doesn’t that say it all, really?

Comuppance Review by: Brett and Ty