Savage Harbor (1987)

 

Savage Harbor (1987)- * * *

Directed by: Carl Monson

Starring: Frank Stallone, Chris Mitchum, Karen Mayo-Chandler, Greta Blackburn, Nicolas Worth, Anthony Caruso, and Lisa Loring

****1300th Review!****

Joe Hardwell (Stallone) is a well-meaning guy but his job as a seafaring man takes him out of his hometown of San Pedro, CA for months at a stretch as he travels from port to port. Consequently, Hardwell has trouble forging lasting personal relationships. Despite his tough exterior, it appears he is a lonely man. He has his buddy Bill (Mitchum), who is also a sailor and a trusty companion. When back in town on shore leave, they hang out at the Tradewinds bar. It's there that Bill meets the dancer Roxey (Loring) and their relationship is as turbulent as the waters the two men sail on.

Still looking for love, Hardwell happens upon a woman being assaulted in a car. He foils the attack and he quickly finds a connection with Anne Teasdale (Mayo-Chandler). After a whirlwind courtship, they plan to get married. There's only one problem. The evil gangster and pimp Harry Kane (Caruso). He exploits Anne's troubled past and soon has her hooked on heroin and enslaved in the sex trafficking industry. 

When Hardwell comes back from his latest stint abroad, he finds Anne missing. Now he has to traverse the seedy underworld of drugs and prostitution to find her and rescue her from Kane. So Hardwell and Bill do just that, until something happens that really puts Hardwell over the top in a rage and he vows to take down the whole Kane gang. He has to navigate some rough waters in his quest for a relationship, but will Joe Hardwell ever find safe harbor...or will it be a SAVAGE HARBOR? Find out today...

Despite what some people may say, including Frank Stallone himself (more on which later), we found Savage Harbor to be an entertaining and enjoyable outing and a lot of fun to watch. It reminded us of one of our favorites, Death Flash (1986) - though, to be fair, it's hard to beat Death Flash. But Savage Harbor comes close. It has a similar plot and a similar vibe. 

It all begins with a very funny shootout on the beach and it wraps up with a nice revenge conclusion. There are some amusing beat-em-up scenes and a couple of good car chases/stunts thrown in as well. Fan favorites Frank Stallone and Chris Mitchum keep things afloat. Mitchum is his typical laconic self and Stallone has a lot of charisma, as always. 

In the film, his big dream in life is to own an avocado farm. That represents his desire to get away from all the craziness of the modern world and find some peace and solace. We can all relate to that. Also, in 1987 he was really ahead of his time. Now everyone eats guacamole and avocado toast. Joe Hardwell would be a millionaire today.

We also really enjoyed Karen Mayo-Chandler as Anne. She has a Caroline Munro-esque beauty and charm and she wears a lot of great outfits. She also appears in a noteworthy dream sequence. She was asked to do a lot over the course of the film and she acquitted herself well. Greta Blackburn shows up as a helpful prostitute. Both Mayo-Chandler and Blackburn were in Party Line (1988), also released by Vinegar Syndrome. It was nice to see Nicholas Worth (playing his usual heavy) and Lisa Loring on board, and both the director and producer (Monson and Mardi Rustam, respectively) played roles as well. It was truly a low-budget, all-hands-on-deck type of situation. It's all very entertaining so it works for us, the viewer.

It originally came out on VHS in the U.S. as Death Feud, but truly all the thanks and credit should go to the great Vinegar Syndrome for releasing Savage Harbor on Blu-Ray. The transfer is beautiful and now everyone can see it in all its HD glory. The disc includes a very honest and candid interview with Frank Stallone where he, in a very self-effacing and comic manner, derides the film and says how "bad" it is. Numerous times. You don't see that too often in DVD/Blu-Ray extras. It's a fun watch, much like the main film itself. If you pick up the Blu-Ray, be sure to check out the interview.

Featuring some catchy songs on the soundtrack, Savage Harbor (AKA Death Feud) is a delight for fans of these sorts of down n' dirty B-movies of the 80's. We give it a strong recommendation.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Terror In Beverly Hills (1989)

Terror In Beverly Hills (1989)- * * *

Directed by: John Myhers

Starring: Frank Stallone, Behrouz Vossoughi, Lysa Hevlov, William Smith, and Cameron Mitchell 

“They brought terrorism to our streets…only one man can stop them!”

When an evil gang of middle-eastern terrorists led by the sinister Abdul (Vossoughi) comes to Beverly Hills, well, terror ensues. Their main target is Margaret (Heslov), daughter of The President (no actual name for The President is ever said) (Smith). They kidnap her while she’s shopping and spirit her away to “the old bean factory”. While LAPD Captain Stills (Cam) is crankily and dyspeptically working his way through the situation, it becomes evident to all concerned that only one man can rescue Margaret, take down the terrorists, and restore law and order to Beverly Hills: HACK STONE (Stallone). (Hack Stone is not an anagram for Frank Stallone; we checked). Will the fantastically-named Hack Stone, who is a former Special Forces soldier and now Karate instructor, be able to complete his mission? Or will terror reign at the old bean factory…er, I mean, BEVERLY HILLS? Find out today…


Here’s a movie that delivers what it promises – terrorists come to Beverly Hills. It also gets sillier and sillier as it goes along. It starts out fairly seriously, with comments about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict and the threat of terrorism in our time, which actually makes ‘Terror fairly topical even today. Well, about as much so as Terror Squad (1988), Hostage (1987), or Scorpion (1986). VERY quickly, however, we are launched headlong into a highly-entertaining morass of ridiculousness that we as viewers do not return from.

Thanks to its rock-bottom budget, we get some classic nonsensical dubbing/dialogue, wonderfully stupid chase/shooting scenes, and the whole outing has that vibe of absurdity that fans of fun movies will recognize immediately. It’s almost like a cousin of Provoked (1989), and there’s even a McKeiver Jones III-like character. And that’s the key to Terror in Beverly Hills – its characters. Even with all the preposterous goings-on, what stands out are the characters, no matter how small they are in the overall scheme of things.

Of course, we have the aforementioned Cam Mitchell as Stills, who puts in a performance that enlivens the proceedings. Then we have the great William Smith, perfectly cast as The President. Unfortunately, like most of the other characters, his voice was dubbed, so his trademark gravel is not heard. Naturally, there’s Hack Stone, AKA Frank Stallone, who ties it all together. The main difference between Stone and Stills is that Stone drinks regular Pepsi (with a very prominent place on his desk) but Stills prominently drinks Diet Pepsi. Have the Pepsi people ever seen this movie?

The smaller parts, the incidental roles, are what really make ‘Terror a gem. There’s Crystal, the 911 dispatcher who really cares about her job and has terrific typing skills, there’s Brian Leonard as Tony Motta, the enthusiastic and pushy TV news anchor, and there’s Captain Leonard (the McKeiver guy), who really shines as an LAPD detective. But the show is well and truly stolen by the charming interplay between Bruce and Gandhi, two locals.

All that isn’t surprising, as director Myhers was primarily known as an actor himself, but he did direct one movie per decade in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s. Obviously this was his 80’s entry, released in the golden year of 1989. Myhers passed away shortly thereafter in 1992. Evidently the old bean factory that is so central to the story was a real place, as in the end credits, the California Bean Growers Association are thanked. You don’t see that every day.

In the end, Terror in Beverly Hills is a ton of silly and absurd fun, and despite its limited resources, it is vastly better than The Taking of Beverly Hills (1991). If you only see one movie where something bad happens to Beverly Hills, see this one.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Order Of The Eagle (1989)

Order Of The Eagle (1989)- * *

Directed by: Thomas Baldwin

Starring: Frank Stallone, William Zipp, Casey Hirsch, Jill Foors, Perry Hill, and David Roger Harris

When an awkwardly dorky boy scout named Greg (Casey Hirsch), during the course of his normal wilderness-based activities, finds some secret government computer discs (of course) related to the Star Wars program, all of a sudden he becomes the target for trigger-happy goons under the command of the mysterious Mr. Quill (Stallone). Quill’s head yahoo in the field is Joe Piscopo doppelganger Leo (Harris). 

Thankfully, Greg isn’t alone during his trials and tribulations. Country folk such as the kindly Monica (Foors), the seemingly-confused Freddie (Hill), and the awesomely mustached n’ mulleted John Billings (Zipp) are here to help the aging boy(?) scout as he nears adulthood. Who is Mr. Quill and what are his true intentions? Will Monica, Freddie, John and Greg survive to tell the tale? Why are there ninjas in the first scene but never again - and what is the true meaning of the ORDER OF THE EAGLE? Dare you find out?

Order of the Eagle is standard-issue AIP stupidity, and is quite enjoyable for that reason for about the first half. It has that funny-dumb nonsensicality we all love and enjoy, starting with the fleetingly and incomprehensibly-seen ninjas as they see the greatest Newsweek cover of all time, to the hilarious dubbing, and finally to our hero, William Zipp (who is all over the movie, acting as star, stuntman, producer and writer) - seemingly a more-built version of our beloved Zap Rowsdower. With his award-winning mustache-mullet combo, truly he is a classic hero for the 80’s.

After some initial scenes of brilliance, such as when Freddie inexplicably changes hats (from what can only be described as a “corncob hat” to a more standard fedora) for no known reason human beings can comprehend, sadly the movie slows down to a more run-of-the-mill wilderness jaunt. This sort of thing was evidently huge from the mid-80’s on, as Hunter’s Blood (1986), Trapper County War (1989), Skinheads (1989) and Endangered (1994), among others, prove. Perhaps the most apt comparison is to Edge of Honor (1991), because of the boy scout connection. But Skinheads is apt as well because the box art makes it seem like something other than a wilderness slog.

This is director Baldwin’s sole directorial effort, though he did work in other capacities on various AIP movies. It seems he was trying to revive the glory days of Deadly Prey (1987) - which was only two years previous - but to no avail.

It hurt the movie that there was such a minimal amount of Frank Stallone, but the final nail in the coffin was the absurd score of the film. It’s this bombastic Bugs Bunny music that would be way more at home in a Looney Tunes cartoon. At any moment you think William Zipp is going to say “meep meep”. Other times the music would be more at home on a show like Matlock or The Andy Griffith Show - something with Andy Griffith anyway. And the end credits music is an overt Danny Elfman knockoff, to the point where you can pretty much add your own vocals from The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), should you so choose. It’s all just TOO scored, and inappropriately so.

The thickness and fullness of William Zipp’s mustache fluctuates throughout the movie, which dictates the greater or lesser scenes. When the mustache is in full bloom, the movie is better. Once it’s shaved down, the movie slows down. The two things are intimately interconnected. So what you’re seeing all depends on that.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Outlaw Force (1988)

Outlaw Force (1988)-* *1\2

Directed by: David Heavener

Starring: David Heavener, Paul L. Smith, Robert Bjorklund, Devin Mills, and Frank Stallone



"A Story of what happens when a bullet comes between a man and his family."








Billy Ray Dalton (Heavener) is a simple family man and a “Cowboy of the modern day”, to quote Tesla. He loves his rural lifestyle, he loves fried chicken, and he fully lives up to his cowboy persona, putting on live Western stunt shows during the day and pursuing his country music career at night. 

One day some middle-aged punks roll into town and decide to start harassing the town’s gas station owner, Gumby (Patterson). When Dalton stands up for Gumby, the punks then murder Dalton’s pregnant wife and kidnap his pre-pubescent daughter, Holly Lynn (Cicero) to sell into human trafficking and child porn. Must make sense by punk standards. Either that, or they really, really hate Gumby.

Dalton leaves the country and heads into the big, bad, mean and dangerous city streets of Hollywood. We then learn that Dalton is an ex-Green Beret and expert marksman, and he will stop at nothing to get revenge and save his daughter. 

Meanwhile, Inspectors Wainright (Smith) and Grady Purella (Stallone) (did Heavener come up with that name?) are following the case. The “funny” part is, Purella is a glasses-wearing, rulebook-citing, suit-wearing liberal college boy  who loves yogurt and Wainright is an obese, rule-flouting, disgruntled, slovenly dude who loves nothing more than to chomp into the nearest burger. They’re the original odd couple! With the help of Jesse  (Mills), will Dalton emerge victorious, or will his plans and his musical career fall at the hands of the evil Washington (Bjorklund)?

David Heavener wrote, directed, co-produced and stars in this “cowboy Death Wish” and makes the most of its rock-bottom budget. His buckskin fringed jacket is even more awesome than Steven Seagal’s. And Heavener was first with that style. Frank Stallone shows his range as an actor - compare his role here with his character from Fear - totally different. None other than Fritz Matthews is credited with special effects, but he doesn’t appear in the movie. Paul Smith as Wainright is a triumph, especially with lines like “leave the detective-ing to us”.

Sure, the many scenes of Heavener singing may seem gratuitous - but who can argue with such gems as “This Honky’s Gonna Honky Tonk Tonight”? Interestingly enough, the film seems to get more competent as it goes along - as this was Heavener’s first directorial effort, perhaps he was learning quickly on the job.

An amazing highlight of - not the film itself- but the TransWorld VHS tape - is a TV commercial that runs before the movie. It’s a “special TV offer” for the Outlaw Force soundtrack, available on cassette or LP! Remember when they used to advertise for 2-record sets on TV with a 1-800 number and it had a blue background? Call today for “David Heavener” at a certain P.O. Box in Marina del Rey, CA. Now you can have such songs as “I am the Fire” and the aforementioned Honky...right in your own home! What a great commercial! Heavener fans (I assume they’re out there) will want to check out the movie and commercial so get the TransWorld tape!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Fear (1988)

Fear (1988)-*

Directed by: Robert A. Ferretti

Starring: Cliff De Young, Kay Lenz, Zoe Trilling, Charles Meshack, Scott Schwartz, Robert Factor, and Frank Stallone



"Frank Stallone is Unchained"










The Haden family consists of father Don (De Young), mother Sharon (Lenz), son Brian (Schwartz) and daughter Jennifer (Trilling). They are an "average" suburban upper-middle-class clan with the normal preoccupations and concerns of a modern family of the 80's. Don and Sharon's marriage is on the rocks primarily because she wants to take a job in San Diego so they are constantly bickering, Jennifer is your standard spoiled, self-involved teenager and Brian is the pre-teen eager to get in his dad's good graces. They decide the best way to sort out all their problems is to go to "Uncle Billy's Cabin" in an RV. So they rent the motorhome and head out on a family road trip into the countryside.

Meanwhile, some dangerous convicts are on the loose. They escaped a prison-transfer bus and are armed, dangerous, and looking for a family like the Hadens to provide them with...something. We don't really know. But Armitage (Stallone) is the the pugilistic neo-Nazi, Cyril is the "token African-American", Mitch (Michael Watson) is the confused "new meat" and Jack (Factor) is the Vietnam vet who is mentally disturbed and still believes he is fighting the war, and they take the family hostage. The twist is that the father, Don, is also a 'Nam vet (an ex-Green Beret), and will, eventually, after a lot of stupidity, attempt to save his family from the mixed bag of baddies. Can he do it?

The film starts out with some Vietnam flashbacks, and leads into a bleak, gritty prison setting, so you think there's a chance this might be better than average. Once Fear kicks into being a standard hostage drama that adds nothing whatsoever to that sub-genre, you quickly realize that this is by-the-numbers, predictable fare. Some quality actors try to save it, but it's hopeless. It's just not exciting or entertaining.

The best part of the movie is Scott Schwartz' Kidco (1984) shirt. Fear occupies a unique place in Schwartz' filmography. It's after Kidco, The Toy (1982) and A Christmas Story (1983) but before he started doing porn. We wish we had a Kidco shirt. Cult actress Zoe Trilling also has an interesting shirt. Isn't this review so in depth? She wears a shirt for, seemingly, a band called The Suburbs, but it screams "The costume designer saw this and it's really appropriate/ironic for this setting so now you'll wear it".

Other aspects of Fear worth noting are the visit to "Link Reilly's Country Feed Bin". Just you watch out for that Abraham Lincoln Reilly (Bart Burns). He's yet another Vietnam vet. Also there seem to be two versions of Fear - one with all the swearing intact, and another one with the "dirty words" redubbed in a weird, yet hilarious fashion. I've seen the Virgin Vision VHS, as well as the version now playing on Comcast On Demand, and the On Demand version is redubbed with bizarre, "who are they trying to fool?" ADR, perhaps best exemplified when Frank Stallone aka Armitage shouts angrily, and I quote, "Fight You!" Why they did this is unclear, because other content in the film pretty much ensures this isn't going to be played on TBS anytime soon. It remains an R no matter what. So....why?

This might also explain why, in the only recorded instance in history outside of Gary Busey in Bulletproof (1988), does one character actually say the word "Butthorn"! We rewound the movie to make sure. He says it. This adds fuel to what we said in the Bulletproof review, that "Butthorn" was an insult that really should have caught on, and an effort was made to put it in the popular consciousness, but somehow it just never took off. Despite the best efforts of Frank Stallone and Gary Busey. If that team can't make something work, I don't know what to believe in anymore.

So after a lot of yelling, shooting, and unnecessarily terrorizing a family, I suppose the viewer was meant to come away with the clash of values between the family and the convicts. They're from two totally different worlds, and they clashed. The innocent family ran headlong into the totally new, different, violent world of the criminals. Then the family is supposed to realize that their life isn't so bad after all. But the viewer just doesn't care that much to get that invested.

It may sound harsh, but Fear is really just VHS shelf-filler for the video stores of the 80's and 90's. It needed some kind of spark to make it stand out from the crowd, but sadly, that never happened. And Frank Stallone doesn't even sing.

Comeuppance Review by Brett and Ty

Total Force (1997)

Total Force (1997)-Zero Stars

Directed By: Steven Kaman (AKA: Sven Nuvo)

Starring: Timothy Bottoms, Frank Stallone, Oleg Taktarov, Richard Lynch and a special appearance by Robert Z'Dar













Total Force is a total mess.

The plot, if you can even call it such a thing, involves Dr. Edmund Wellington (Lynch) who has a super hi-tech Military weapon. Drake (Bottoms) is a tough soldier who only wants to drink beer and watch football, when he is not kicking and punching dudes. Frank Stallone joins the fray as Jack O'Hara, the swarthiest Irish gangster ever. O'Hara has his own reasons for pursuing Drake and it all comes to a head at a marina.

Confusing, baffling, amateurish, incoherent, disjointed, irritating, and unexplainable are the nicest things we can say about this cinematic sludge that came directly from the sewer and into your VCR. Even the unannounced and sadly too brief appearance from the great Robert Z'Dar (as "Test Subject", doing his best "Incredible Hulk" impression) can't save this dreck.

Timothy Bottoms, a dead ringer for George W. Bush, so much so that he was cast as the former prez in the TV Movie D.C. 9\11: Time Of Crisis (2003) AND in the short-lived sitcom "That's My Bush!" phones in his performance as Drake...but then again, wouldn't you? Frank Stallone should stick to his music career if he is going to appear in roles like this.

Of course this is a movie that would be directed by a Sven Nuvo. You got to admit, it’s a great cast, but they are under the shoddy direction of Nuvo, they are under-utilized.

Most people couldn't sit through the whole thing. Total Force is an insult to moviemaking.

Amazingly enough, there is a sequel!: "Absolute Force". I guess the story wasn't complete...and it may never be.


Totally force yourself to watch this tonight!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty & Brett