Teenage Exorcist (1991)

Teenage Exorcist (1991)- * *1\2

Directed by: Grant Austin Walden

Starring: Michael Berryman, Brinke Stevens, Elena Sahagun, Robert Quarry, Jay Richardson, Oliver Darrow, Tom Shell, Hoke Howell, and Eddie Deezen

Don’t buy a house from Michael Berryman. Or a pizza for that matter. And if Eddie Deezen delivers said pizza, you know you’re in real trouble. When college student Diane (Stevens) moves into a spacious Hollywood home, little does she know that the spirit of the nefarious Baron DeSade (Howell) - who is pure evil, yet a homebody (he shouts “I shall live here forever!!!!”) - still inhabits the space. This somehow turns the bookish and cute Diane into a demon-possessed dominatrix, of sorts. 

Her sister Sally (Sahagun), her husband Mike (Richardson), and a potential college boyfriend (Shell), along with Father McFerrin (Quarry) and Deezen, the pizza delivery boy, all cavort around the house trying to get Diane back to normal. After some hijinx involving a demon (Darrow) and a bunch of zombies, something ensues - but is it hilarity? Find out, if you dare.

I’ve never really been a fan of horror comedies. With the possible exception of Dead Alive (1992), usually they just seem like excuses to be neither funny nor scary. However, AIP seems to like them, having released this, and the very similar Speak of the Devil (1991) in the same year. Both have evil stuff lurking in the basement, and neither of them are that funny. But of the two, Teenage Exorcist is better. 

For one thing, the cast seems to be having fun. Unfortunately, it’s not contagious for the audience. You do almost crack a smile a few times, but only because the humor is so old-fashioned. It’s almost vaudeville, and seeing as how Brinke Stevens is credited with the screenplay (although it was co-written with Ted Newsom, though he was uncredited because of a Writer’s Guild issue. I learned this from listening to the DVD commentary. And to answer your questions, yes, there is a DVD. And yes, it has a commentary track. And yes, I listened to it.) - unless she was over 80 years old or so at the time of writing (and looking really good) - it’s kind of inexplicable why the gags seem like they should be from such an earlier vintage.

So that makes Teenage Exorcist sort of a cross between Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948) and Repossessed (1990), what with its old dark house and exorcist jokes. Also to the movie’s credit is the fact that it has a title song, a very catchy pop-metal ditty that would seem perfect for Hardcore Superstar to do a cover of. Elsewhere, it has a jaunty score underscoring such scenes as Brinke’s milk box inflating and deflating (a sure sign evil doings are afoot), and her carrying in her mustard in a big brown box as she moves into her house. 

But it does its best with its low budget - it all takes place, for the most part, in one location - the house (it looks like the house from Mirror Mirror 3 (1995). Even some of the end credits are first names only, kind of underscoring the buddy-buddy vibe. And, of course, when the first credit before the title of the movie are the words “Eddie Deezen in...” you know you’re in for a treat (?) But it also has Hoke Howell of Action USA (1989) fame, as well as Sahagun of Ring of Fire II (1993) and Tiger Heart (1996) fame. For a proposed first version of this movie, Fred Olen Ray made a trailer only, and it has Cam Mitchell. Too bad he couldn’t appear in the final version.

So while the title is a misnomer (there is no teenage exorcist in the film - there was supposed to be, but in an inexplicable casting decision, the teenage girl was replaced by Eddie Deezen!), if you’re in the mood for some good-natured mediocrity with a mild sexy edge, Teenage Exorcist could just be the movie for you.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett 

B.O.R.N. (1988)

B.O.R.N. (1988)-* * *

Directed by: Ross Hagen

Starring: Ross Hagen, William Smith, P.J. Soles, Gregory Scott Cummins, Hoke Howell, Claire Hagen, Clint Howard, Rance Howard, and Russ Tamblyn












Buck Cassidy (Hagen) is a big-hearted cowboy who, with his wife Della (Claire Hagen) have, over the years, adopted seventeen foster children. When three of his adopted daughters are kidnapped and thrown into an unlicensed ambulance, the nightmare begins. It turns out innocent people are being taken from off the street, put into dingy operating rooms, and their organs are removed and sold to the highest bidder on the black market. 

Dr. Farley (Smith) is the sinister surgeon, Jerry (Clint Howard) is the creepy male nurse, Liz (Soles) is the secretary, and the super-evil Hugh (Tamblyn) is the agent that acts as the liaison between the desperate families that need the organs and the unwilling participants. So Buck contacts his old buddy Charlie (Howell), a retired LAPD cop, and the two of them search all over the L.A. area for the missing girls. But will they be too late?

The main reason we sought this movie out is because it contains most of the cast and a lot of the crew from one of our favorite movies, Action USA (1989). B.O.R.N. is almost like a dry run for their later masterwork. Ross Hagen, Claire Hagen, Gregory Scott Cummins, William Smith and Hoke Howell all reconvened the next year after B.O.R.N. to make the great Action USA, and the second unit director for B.O.R.N., John Stewart, became the director for Action USA, and later Cartel (1990). So when we heard that the Action USA team had tried their hand at a horror-themed film about a “Body Organ Replacement Network”, obviously our interest was piqued.

But you can tell they wanted to do an action movie all along, because there are shootouts, fisticuffs and car chases in B.O.R.N., making it less a straight-up horror movie and more a thriller with some action and horror elements.

William Smith is delightfully unintelligible as the main surgeon. Sure, it’s odd to see Smith as a surgeon, but that adds to the weirdness. PJ Soles is almost unrecognizable as the big-haired Liz. Russ Tamblyn stands out as one of the more evil baddies we’ve seen in a while. Clint Howard, playing, surprisingly, a creepy rapist, later reprised his role in Street Corner Justice (1996) (and probably a lot of his other roles as well). Rance Howard is also on board and he resembled Night Court’s Harry Anderson more than his brothers Ron or Clint.

At first it’s hard to tell who’s who in the movie, because everyone is inexplicably wearing cowboy hats in modern-day L.A., but eventually you can discern who the characters are. The editing is almost as choppy as Dr. Farley’s scalpel-work, but then there are some oddly funny moments to distract you from that, such as when Buck and a large group of people are at a large dance called “Adopt A Grandparent Day” and they’re all dancing in a circle singing “Beautiful Dreamer”.

 And sure, there’s a bit of what you might call “surgery gore”, but the main problem is that the movie needed to be tightened up. Most of the running time consists of Hoke and Hagen searching around town for the missing daughters. It’s almost like the B.O.R.N. concept couldn’t fill 90 minutes on its own. There should have been more going on plotwise. But there are enough silly/Un-P.C./worthwhile moments to keep the movie afloat.

In the music department, a band called Pigmy Love Circus plays at the aforementioned “Adopt A Grandparent Day” (good gig!) and Dawn Wildsmith is uncredited as the singer. Wildsmith was also in Cyclone (1987) with Russ Tamblyn and John Stewart, not to mention Armed Response (1986) with Ross Hagen. The end credits song (which also appears in one of the many scenes when Hagen is searching the city in his van) is “sung” by Ned Albright. It seems this was his first attempt at singing. Not just in front of a microphone at a recording session...I mean EVER. Is this the best they could have gotten? NED ALBRIGHT?

In all, B.O.R.N. is an amusing curiosity, and its claim to fame, besides its cast, is that it paved the way for Action USA.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Action U.S.A. (1989)

Action U.S.A. (1989)-* * * *

Directed by: John Stewart

Starring: Gregory Scott Cummins, William Hubbard Knight, Ross Hagen, Barri Murphy, Cameron Mitchell, William Smith, and Hoke Howell












Action U.S.A. is simply awesome! From the title on down, the movie delivers in every possible way.

Truly the Crank (2006) of its day, the plot blasts off when rockin' dude with an attitude Billy Ray (who drives a hot Corvette with the license plate SLEEK 1) is offed by some gangsters and his girlfriend Carmen (Murphy) goes on the run and goes into the police protection of FBI agents Clay Osborne (Cummins) and Panama (Knight). The bad guys bring in the big guns with Drago (Hagen), a cowboy with a big gun and a bad attitude. They are on the trail of some stolen diamonds Billy Ray supposedly had, and that the gangsters want, including Frankie Navarro (Mitchell) and corrupt agent Conover (Smith). Will Osborne and Carmen develop a relationship while on the run? Will Panama be okay? Hang on to your seat!

One of the genius things about Action U.S.A. is that the filmmakers were smart enough to give it a simple plot so they could include the maximum amount of action, and the film is a speedy 80 minutes. The film is by stuntmen, and for the fans. Because they worked in the stunt industry, they had a firm grasp on what the audience really wants. On top of the non-stop crazy stunts, chases, helicopter stunts and blow-ups, there is actual chemistry and humor amongst the cast! The good guys are likable and the bad guys are evil/funny. This movie truly has it all.

The characters of Clay, Carmen and Panama work off each other perfectly, as do the baddies Drago and his henchmen Lucky and Hitch. Clay and Panama have a pre-Roddy Piper/Billy Blanks thing going, but with less bickering. They also have some great outfits, such as Panama's black suit and pants with white socks. He also has a belt AND suspenders. Those pants aren't going anywhere. But I digress.

Shot in Texas, the film bears a bit of a resemblance to Sno-Line (1986) in some ways. There is a much better than average barfight, but everything in this movie is above average. The game is really stepped up here. If you see this somewhere, you must buy it because it has a lot of re-watchability. If this ever was to be remade by Hollywood, it would be filled with CGI junk and stupid tricks. This has stunt after stunt made by the pros, and it's great to watch. It's the real thing. It's refreshing.

There are some great songs to complement the action, and the music is by Del Casher, the inventor of the wah-wah pedal (although no wah's are heard on the fist-pumping soundtrack).

This movie is a hidden gem and a true fan favorite. It has to be the best thing ever put out on the Imperial label.

The presence of genre favorites Cameron Mitchell, Ross Hagen and William Smith brighten the movie even more. They all look like they are having fun. If this movie has any flaws, it's that it could have used a bit more Cam. That's really the only negative to this engaging, thrilling, fun and upbeat experience!

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty