Destroyer (1988)

Destroyer (1988)-*1\2

Directed by: Robert Kirk

Starring: Lyle Alzado, Deborah Foreman, Clayton Rohner, Pat Mahoney, David Kristin, Tobias Anderson, and Anthony Perkins



"3,000 volts couldn't kill him...It just gave him a buzz."









 Ivan Moser (Alzado) is an evil rapist/murderer who is in prison and about to receive the death penalty by electric chair. The authorities start the proceedings, but then a prison riot breaks out, diverting their attention. They assumed they fried Moser...but they were wrong! Meanwhile, a movie company begins shooting a film in the abandoned prison where Moser was. Seems like a smart idea. The movie is called “Death House Dolls” and is a women-in-prison flick. Edwards (Perkins) is the forever-frustrated director, and David Harris (Rohner) is the screenwriter and ideal 80’s coolguy. His girlfriend Susan Malone (Foreman) is also working on the film. Harris wants to capture the utter realism of the prison experience, despite the fact that he’s working on what seems to be a lightweight exploitation film, so he ends up butting heads with Warden Karsh (Mahoney) who was there on the night of the riot. But Harris also ends up getting some good info from local chef Fingers (Kristin). Will Moser, who has been presumably living at the prison for the past 18 months, we know not how or why, end up killing everyone in sight?

When we saw the VHS box cover for Destroyer, with a hulking, oiled-up Alzado brandishing a giant drill of some sort, we thought “how can we lose?” - maybe it’s our frame of mind, or maybe it’s due to lack of research on our part, but we thought Destroyer was an action movie. Hopefully one where Alzado “Destroys” the baddies. Not such a bad assumption, but an incorrect one. Destroyer instead is a dreary, inane slasher with problems as seemingly endless as the vast corridors a lot of the movie takes place in. What the movie has going for it are its individual characters. Alzado was great as the psycho killer who’s usually shirtless, Jim Turner is noteworthy as the techie on the film named Rewire, and David Kristin steals the movie as Fingers. The warden, the janitor Russell (Anderson), the young couple portrayed by Rohner and Foreman - who previously were together in April Fool’s Day (1986) - a far more entertaining horror film - together, pretty much any of the individual personages were good, it’s just that the writing and structure of the movie were slow, bleak, and not up to par. And nothing is worse than when they try to be funny. We blame the writers and director, not the actors.

The movie also falls into the typical trap of making the warden supposedly unlikable because he’s an authority figure, but the screenwriter dude supposedly sympathetic because he’s so cool and the warden’s not. Rohner, who has kind of a Johnny Depp meets Charlie Sheen kind of vibe, does indeed have awesome hair (there’s even a fairly substantial scene where he’s washing his hair) - but we were rooting for the warden. There’s also a pretty surprising lack of Alzado - like a lot of movie monsters, you don’t see a lot of him until the end of the movie. There should have been less Anthony Perkins directing the movie-within-a-movie and more Alzado on a rampage. While Deborah Foreman never looked closer to Belinda Carlisle than she does here, Alzado was never closer to John Matuszak than he is here. They have similar builds and facial hair. Maybe it’s a football thing.

As for the boxcover that so entranced us, it can proudly go into the “we pasted the main star’s head on someone else’s body and hoped no one would notice” file. As for the movie itself, it’s not action, and it’s not very horrifying. The individual characters are good, and there maybe a few decent lines here and there, but it’s unlikely too many people will come away very satisfied from Destroyer.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a review by our friend at The Unknown Movies! 

Comrades In Arms (1992)

Comrades In Arms (1992)-* * *

Directed by: J. Christian Ingvordsen

Starring: Rick Washburn, Lyle Alzado,  J. Christian Ingvordsen, John Weiner, Steven Kaman, and Lance Henriksen




"Unlikely Allies. Unbeatable Force."








Khaleel (Weiner) is a terrorist, drug trafficker, and America-hater that’s causing so much trouble, CIA director Reed (Henriksen), and his Russian associates decide that taking him down is going to take the teamwork of the U.S. and the Russians. Recruited to execute the mission is Delta Force Commanding Officer Frank “Bone” White (Ingvordsen). Naturally, he’s a cool dude with a bad attitude. His Russian counterpart is Spetsnaz officer Kotshov (Kaman). He’s a ruthless, “Kill ‘em All” type. But, for the good of both their countries, they must learn to get along and trust each other. With tensions rising, will they be able to take down Khaleel - before they kill each other first?

Comrades In Arms is a military shoot-em-up with a pretty serious tone. It starts off with some hi-tech (for the time) green night vision and “thermo” vision (as in, when a character says, “we’re switchin’ to thermo!”), and plenty of technical combat lingo. Even though the concept of the U.S. and the Russians working together may remind you of Red Heat (1988), or maybe even Red Scorpion (1988), or possibly some other “Red” movies, the idea that, at this point in time, that they would both have to go into the field of combat together and rely on each other, is pretty forward-thinking. This is a war movie for a new kind of war - the war on terror - with all the technology that would entail, and Comrades In Arms probably will receive little to no credit for being one of the first (maybe the first?) movie to deal with this kind of war in the modern age.

But it still carries over some much-loved cliches from the past, seeing as how the Russians are gruff and emotionless, and Frank White (presumably not the same Frank White from King of New York  from two years earlier), is called a “loose cannon” by his superiors. And it just wouldn’t be complete without the climax in an abandoned warehouse. Similar to how Robert Z’Dar in The Final Sanction (1990) played a Russian, here Lyle Alzado does the same. Despite the fact that Alzado is top-billed, he’s only in it for a scant few minutes. Remember, back in the 80’s, Alzado was a name. A movie about cold war ideals with Lyle Alzado is certainly a product of its time, but as said earlier, it’s more forward-thinking than you might think.

Steven Kaman co-wrote, co-produced, co-stars, and shot the movie, and probably had a grand old time with Ingvordsen, as they seemed to have given themselves the two leads in the movie. Kaman is responsible for utter dreck like Soul Of The Avenger (1997) and Total Force (1997), so luckily he did not direct this movie. Lance Henriksen gives gravity to his relatively small role, and he brightens the film. Keep in mind a big portion of this movie is mindless shooting, with plenty of machine guns and rocket launchers. So there is a bit of filler. Also it should be noted that Bone has a team of equally coolly-nicknamed warriors: Top Kick, Spook Show, Thor, Bigfoot, Ironman and Cowboy.  They’re fighting Khaleel and his guys in Colombia, and some of this may remind you of Delta Force 2 (1990). As far as John Weiner is concerned, who plays Khaleel, he does a great job of being evil. We don’t know much about him, except for the fact that he was in Cyber Vengeance (1997). We’ll have to keep an eye out for him.

In all, Comrades In Arms is a reasonably good way to spend 90 minutes.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Hangfire (1991)

Hangfire (1991)-*

Directed by: Peter Maris

Starring: Jan Michael-Vincent, Brad Davis, Lee De Broux, Kim Delaney, Yaphet Kotto, George Kennedy, Ken Foree, Lyle Alzado, James Tolkan, and Lou Ferrigno












Kuttner (De Broux) is an inmate at the New Mexico State Penitentiary. At his parole hearing, he is determined by the board, including by psychologist Maria Slayton (Delaney), to be an extremely dangerous psychopath.  During a freak accident involving a poison gas cloud that is a really stupid pretext for a prison escape, Kuttner, along with his eyepatchioed right-hand man, uncannily enough named “Patch” (Tolkan), kidnap a bunch of people  - one of which is Maria - and take an entire Western-style town hostage. 

Maria’s husband, Isaac “Ike” Slayton (Davis), who is a Vietnam vet and also a town sheriff,  teams up with his buddy Billy (Foree) to take down the baddies. But the National Guard is called in, and their leader is the hard-headed Lt. Col. Johnson (Vincent), who doesn’t approve of Ike and Billy’s methods. Who will prevail: Johnson, the local cops (headed up by Yaphet Kotto who is insultingly only credited as “Police Lieutenant”), or the bad guys?

In 1981, The Rolling Stones released their song, “Hangfire”. Most people would agree that by that point in their career, they were past their prime. So it seems fitting that this movie under review today would have the same moniker as a less-than-fresh source. Hangfire - the movie - is a shameful waste of an incredible, once-in-a-lifetime cast. You might think, looking at the cast list, that you can’t lose. Unfortunately, we learned the hard way that you definitely can. 

We’ve been burned before by movies with awesome casts that turned out to be not so awesome. The least punishing example being Lone Tiger (1999), the most punishing being Detour (1998). It’s truly a case of “too many cooks spoiling the broth”. Don’t be fooled by the stellar cast. It only makes you wonder: “Why would they all agree to this?”

The talent of pretty much everyone in the cast is completely wasted in this cliche-ridden (in a bad way), lackluster, unfun, overly-serious slog. George Kennedy has a throwaway role as a prison warden. Nothing is done with it. Same with Kotto as the cop. Kim Delaney says almost no dialogue in the movie. JMV inexplicably smokes a pipe, which, sadly enough was a movie highlight. You usually don’t see the gruff, beret-ed, uniformed commander lighting up his meerschaum. 

And here’s the ultimate waste: Lou Ferrigno and Lyle Alzado as prison buddies Smitty and Albert (respectively). They almost could have carried an entire movie on their own, but their scenes together are pointless and incredibly dumb. Along with JMV’s pipe, Alzado’s mullet is the only other bright spot in this otherwise lifeless movie.

The problem is, this movie is not well-written, and thanks to an almost total lack of character development, you really don’t care about what happens. Any one or two of the characters should have had time spent by the filmmakers on fleshing them out. But Maris splits the difference and spends no time on any. That’s the danger of a super-cast. Hangfire is so paint-by-numbers, and so painful to sit through, we coined a new term, “pain-by-numbers”. 

Did we mention the similarities to the also-awful Fear (1988), the dank, dark lighting, and the annoying musical stings? A few humorous crossbow shots and Brad Davis prancing around in zebra makeup (presumably to hide from the bad guys?) isn’t enough to save this dud.

But what’s really insulting to the audience are the unspeakably horrendous gun muzzle flashes. Here’s where it gets to “Sci-Fi channel original movie” territory, with crudely-superimposed “flashes” that aren’t even laughably bad, they’re just bad. Muzzle flashes are one of the joys of action movies, and Maris duly crosses that off his “I made this suck” checklist. Perhaps fortunately, it’s not like these crimes against muzzle flashes ruin an otherwise good movie. 

In this case there’s nothing to ruin. So structurally it’s no harm no foul. Visually it’s just foul. This is the fourth Peter Maris movie we’ve seen to date (though we’re not planning on seeing any more) - the others being Terror Squad (1988) - which featured fan favorite Chuck Connors - Ministry Of Vengeance (1989), and Diplomatic Immunity (1991). Let’s put it this way: we’d trade this whole cast for one Chuck Connors.

The excellent cast is just a distraction - even a misdirection in true grifter style - to the fact that Hangfire is a movie you must avoid.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Neon City (1991)

Neon City (1991)-* *1\2

Directed By: Monte Markham

Starring: Michael Ironside, Arsenio "Sonny" Trinidad, Creed Bratton, Vanity and Lyle Alzado




“Take a deep breath, it may be your last. Welcome to the year 2053!”








In the year 2053 the world is a post-apocalyptic wasteland. In this movie it is called “The Outland”, with a blatant disregard for the Sean Connery film of the same name. “The Outland” doesn’t have a lot of clean air or water. People are eating dogs for sustenance.

Enter Harry M. Stark (Ironside), a no-nonsense bounty hunter who looks like Jack Nicholson. His job is to bring Reno (Vanity) back to Neon City. He handcuffs himself to her because she is always escaping. There are so many outlaws in “The Outland” that one can collect “Red Star Credits” for bringing them to justice. What you can exchange these for aren’t explained. Is it like Skee Ball tokens or “Coconut Coins”?

The world may never know.

Luckily there is a bus going to Neon City. The movie never explains where they are and how long it takes to get to Neon City. The bus driver is named Bulk and he is played with aplomb by Lyle Alzado. As if the name “Bulk” wasn’t enough, he is nicknamed “The Killer Tomato” because “He crushes people’s heads as easily as an overripe tomato”. Bulk and Harry don’t get along at first because Bulk is an ex-con that Harry brought in.



Also going to Neon City in this bus are a bad stand-up comic looking for work, a sketchy doctor with a mullet, a spoiled rich girl and a woman who looks like Hillary Clinton. Riding shotgun with Bulk for most of the journey is a mysterious Asian man named Wing (Arsenio “Sonny” Trinidad)

Along the way there are many obstacles and pitfalls. Besides the obvious personality clashes, there are roving bands of killers dubbed “Skins”. They ride souped-up, broken down motorcycles if such a thing is possible. They are continuously chasing the bus and shooting at it. We don’t know why. Stark shoots back with a laser that makes a classic laser noise: “Pew! Pew!” The many chase sequences are very repetitive and strongly reminiscent of the “Orange Grove Chase” from the classic Cobra (1986).

Other dangers our heroes have to face include something called a “Zander Cloud” which is a poisonous cloud. It would make more sense if it was a “Zzand Cloud”. Similarly, there are some hot lights which are a silly menace that pads out the running time. Not to mention if they are so hot, why don’t they melt all the snow around the area?

They take a million breaks on the way to Neon City and they could have gotten there a lot faster. The importance to getting to Neon City is negated with all the breaks. One of the important breaks involves healing water that Harry and Reno take. It doesn’t make much sense.

After all those breaks, they finally get to Neon City which is just a “Neon Room” (No city is actually seen) They are welcomed into the room by none other than “The Office’s” Creed Bratton (Who was also a grip on the film). Already overlong at this point, after multiple endings Stark confronts his commanding officer (who is also evil) and is named “Jenkins”.

There are some twists as far as relationships are concerned: Will Stark and Reno stay enemies or become an item? Will that annoying comic get his comeuppance for selling poison to cave-dwelling burn victims? And will Bulk get his wife’s ring back from the “Skins”? and is Wing (once again played by Arsenio “Sonny” Trinidad) who he seems to be? All will be answered if you watch the entire thing.

Neon City closely resembles the recent box office smash The Book Of Eli (2010), obviously the Hughes Brothers closely studied this flick. Honestly, the movie is a Mad Max (1979) knockoff and scenes from it are ripped off wholesale.

Make sure to watch Neon City in the future!

Interesting side note: Fan favorite Chuck Zito did some stunt work on the film.

Comeuppance Review by Ty and Brett