Instant Death (2017)

Instant Death (2017)- * * *

Directed by: Ara Paiaya

Starring: Lou Ferrigno and Jerry Anderson

Finally in civilian life after a lifetime in the military, vet John Bradley (Ferrigno) is having a hard time adjusting after leaving the Special Forces. He feels reconnecting with his daughter and his granddaughter would do him a world of good towards that end, so he flies from New York to the UK to be with them. 

Unfortunately, Bradley was in the wrong place at the wrong time, as he inadvertently witnesses some of the bad dealings of uber-baddie Razor (Anderson) and his drug gang. In order to get to him, Razor sadistically goes after certain members of the Bradley family in some truly horrible ways (we won’t give anything away).

Now on a no-holds-barred mission of revenge, John Bradley reverts to his old ways – fighting is the only thing he knows. Thankfully, he knows it well and he’s using his “particular set of skills” to take out the trash of London’s underworld. With the police and military after him as well as the gangster baddies, will John Bradley be able to deliver INSTANT DEATH?

Thank goodness for Taken (2008). Not only is it a fantastic movie in its own right, it single-handedly made it acceptable for aging stars to return to – or join for the first time - the action fray. The term “GeriAction” seems to have been coined shortly after the release of The Expendables (2010), and everyone from Liam Neeson to Clint Eastwood to Sean Penn have been showing young whippersnappers that with age comes experience…fighting experience!

With that in mind, it was only a matter of time before Lou Ferrigno became involved. Instant Death has a lot going for it: a simple and effective revenge plot that unfolds quickly over its 80-minute running time, Lou puts on a revenge outfit and proceeds to decimate the entire baddie population, and Razor is a really bad baddie. All the ingredients are there. But why – why – must they use so much CGI?


If they were going for a gritty 80’s vibe, why not use squibs, practical effects, and real fire? That would have been so much cooler! Correct us if we’re wrong, but did we see a CGI train? The movie already has a low-budget, down n’ dirty look (which is completely fine by us and not at all a criticism), but the CGI effects were a wet blanket for us. Not so much that we didn’t enjoy the movie on the whole, but we couldn’t help but think it would have been more satisfying for the viewers without it.

Much like how Robert Rusler saved Air Strike (2002), Lou Ferrigno does the same thing here. (That must be why you read this site; you’re not going to see a sentence like that anywhere else). Sure, the fight choreography came off as a little stiff at times, but undoubtedly this is a career-best performance from Lou. He must have been thrilled to get the call to be in this movie, and he really gives it his all. It was a joy to watch his lumbering, Schwarzenegger-esque fighting and line deliveries. 

Let’s face it, the idea of Lou Ferrigno in a revenge movie against London gangsters is pure gold. We’re super happy this was made.

Despite our anti-CGI stance, we applaud director Paiaya and the rest of the cast and crew for carrying this movie off. You could tell they were striving for something good and Instant Death overall is a satisfying watch.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Hangfire (1991)

Hangfire (1991)-*

Directed by: Peter Maris

Starring: Jan Michael-Vincent, Brad Davis, Lee De Broux, Kim Delaney, Yaphet Kotto, George Kennedy, Ken Foree, Lyle Alzado, James Tolkan, and Lou Ferrigno












Kuttner (De Broux) is an inmate at the New Mexico State Penitentiary. At his parole hearing, he is determined by the board, including by psychologist Maria Slayton (Delaney), to be an extremely dangerous psychopath.  During a freak accident involving a poison gas cloud that is a really stupid pretext for a prison escape, Kuttner, along with his eyepatchioed right-hand man, uncannily enough named “Patch” (Tolkan), kidnap a bunch of people  - one of which is Maria - and take an entire Western-style town hostage. 

Maria’s husband, Isaac “Ike” Slayton (Davis), who is a Vietnam vet and also a town sheriff,  teams up with his buddy Billy (Foree) to take down the baddies. But the National Guard is called in, and their leader is the hard-headed Lt. Col. Johnson (Vincent), who doesn’t approve of Ike and Billy’s methods. Who will prevail: Johnson, the local cops (headed up by Yaphet Kotto who is insultingly only credited as “Police Lieutenant”), or the bad guys?

In 1981, The Rolling Stones released their song, “Hangfire”. Most people would agree that by that point in their career, they were past their prime. So it seems fitting that this movie under review today would have the same moniker as a less-than-fresh source. Hangfire - the movie - is a shameful waste of an incredible, once-in-a-lifetime cast. You might think, looking at the cast list, that you can’t lose. Unfortunately, we learned the hard way that you definitely can. 

We’ve been burned before by movies with awesome casts that turned out to be not so awesome. The least punishing example being Lone Tiger (1999), the most punishing being Detour (1998). It’s truly a case of “too many cooks spoiling the broth”. Don’t be fooled by the stellar cast. It only makes you wonder: “Why would they all agree to this?”

The talent of pretty much everyone in the cast is completely wasted in this cliche-ridden (in a bad way), lackluster, unfun, overly-serious slog. George Kennedy has a throwaway role as a prison warden. Nothing is done with it. Same with Kotto as the cop. Kim Delaney says almost no dialogue in the movie. JMV inexplicably smokes a pipe, which, sadly enough was a movie highlight. You usually don’t see the gruff, beret-ed, uniformed commander lighting up his meerschaum. 

And here’s the ultimate waste: Lou Ferrigno and Lyle Alzado as prison buddies Smitty and Albert (respectively). They almost could have carried an entire movie on their own, but their scenes together are pointless and incredibly dumb. Along with JMV’s pipe, Alzado’s mullet is the only other bright spot in this otherwise lifeless movie.

The problem is, this movie is not well-written, and thanks to an almost total lack of character development, you really don’t care about what happens. Any one or two of the characters should have had time spent by the filmmakers on fleshing them out. But Maris splits the difference and spends no time on any. That’s the danger of a super-cast. Hangfire is so paint-by-numbers, and so painful to sit through, we coined a new term, “pain-by-numbers”. 

Did we mention the similarities to the also-awful Fear (1988), the dank, dark lighting, and the annoying musical stings? A few humorous crossbow shots and Brad Davis prancing around in zebra makeup (presumably to hide from the bad guys?) isn’t enough to save this dud.

But what’s really insulting to the audience are the unspeakably horrendous gun muzzle flashes. Here’s where it gets to “Sci-Fi channel original movie” territory, with crudely-superimposed “flashes” that aren’t even laughably bad, they’re just bad. Muzzle flashes are one of the joys of action movies, and Maris duly crosses that off his “I made this suck” checklist. Perhaps fortunately, it’s not like these crimes against muzzle flashes ruin an otherwise good movie. 

In this case there’s nothing to ruin. So structurally it’s no harm no foul. Visually it’s just foul. This is the fourth Peter Maris movie we’ve seen to date (though we’re not planning on seeing any more) - the others being Terror Squad (1988) - which featured fan favorite Chuck Connors - Ministry Of Vengeance (1989), and Diplomatic Immunity (1991). Let’s put it this way: we’d trade this whole cast for one Chuck Connors.

The excellent cast is just a distraction - even a misdirection in true grifter style - to the fact that Hangfire is a movie you must avoid.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Liberty & Bash (1989)

Liberty & Bash (1989)-*

Directed by: Myrl A. Schreibman

Starring: Miles O'Keeffe, Mitzi Kapture, and Lou Ferrigno














When we first heard that there was a movie called "Liberty and Bash" in which Miles O'Keeffe played Liberty and Lou Ferrigno played Bash, we had the only natural reaction: "this is gonna be awesome". It is with a heavy heart that we have to report that "Liberty and Bash" is a crushing disappointment that doesn't even come close to fulfilling its potential.




The plot, unfortunately, involves a street thug named Jesse who runs afoul of some baddies led by a Mr. Big-type hotshot uncreatively named "Mr. B". He seeks help from a social worker named Liberty because they were buddies in the past. Liberty then teams up with Bash who works for a Big Brothers-Big Sisters-type organization. Meanwhile, Liberty's girlfriend (Kapture) is pregnant and that causes some tension between them, blah blah blah.


Despite what you may have heard, this movie has NO ACTION. This movie is so offensive because it shows a contempt for its intended audience (which is presumably action fans). The makers of this film are completely clueless as to how make an even halfway-decent action film. It is mostly talking, and talking about things that the audience couldn't care less about at that. This movie is mainly about social work! SOCIAL WORK I TELL YOU!



One funny thing is that Liberty is always referring to his "kids". These so-called "kids" are in their late thirties/early forties, if not older. He deals with "troubled gang kids" at the East Hollywood community center but it should be called "Old brothers, senile sisters". One of the funniest "kids" is an Asian man named "Juan Ton". Yes, Juan Ton. He calls everyone "Homes" and you can't help but laugh.



That's the nicest thing we can say about this cinematic abomination. Another big crime it commits is that there is little-to-no Bash. Ferrigno is in the movie for a total of about five minutes. He doesn't bash anybody. He motivates kids in a cheap, makeshift gym to climb the ropes. He does utter the line "YOU-WILL-LEARN-LIFE-IN-AN-EFFECTIVE-WAY", however. A sad fall from the legendary Billy of Cage (1989) fame.




The synopsis on the back of the VHS box, on the front of which has Ferrigno's and O'Keeffe's heads pasted on other people's bodies for some reason(shamefully released by Fries home video in the U.S.) proudly proclaims: "sizzling in its scope, dynamic in its depiction" and "A pounding pace and non stop action provide the thrilling ingredients for LIBERTY AND BASH". First of all, it's "non-START", nonexistent action. Secondly, Street Asylum (1990) did a better job of portraying the toughness of L.A. life at that time.



And thirdly, A slow-as-molasses pace, pointless, unending exposition, NO ACTION, and a parade of men in ill-fitting shirts in various states of unbuttonedness add to the hell of enduring this crud.


This should be retitled STUPIDITY and BAD.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Cage II: The Arena Of Death (1994)

Cage II: The Arena Of Death (1994)-* * *

Directed By: Lang Elliot

Starring: Lou Ferrigno, Reb Brown and Leo Fong











Cage II is the ridiculous sequel.

The plot: The exact same plot but with the Chinese Mafia.
SPOILER ALERT!

The climax features Billy getting shot and you think he’s dead. But he raises his head and his eyes are green and glowing. Apparently he wasn’t just a “special” Vietnam vet, he’s also some immortal monster. Hopefully they will make “Cage 3: Billy’s Revenge”.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty & Brett

Cage (1989)

Cage (1989)-* * *

AKA: Sgt. Billy Thomas

Directed By: Lang Elliot

Starring: Lou Ferrigno, Reb Brown, Al Ruscio, Branscombe Richmond, Al Leong,  and Matthias Hues












Cage is an entertaining action pic from the 80’s.

The plot: Billy (Ferrigno) is a ‘Nam vet who tragically gets shot in the head on a mission. He survives but now is mentally challenged. He goes through a lot of grueling physical therapy and eventually becomes a productive member of society. He only has one friend, fellow vet Scott Monroe (Brown). Then slimy gangsters show up. They kidnap and brainwash Billy to go into the dangerous world of cage fighting. Scott must rescue his friend by going into the ring himself.



Cage is the only movie that delves deep into the idea of “Retard Strength”. This politically incorrect idea would never be made today. The fight sequences are brutal and predate UFC by decades. Cage was ahead of its time. Another movie of this ilk is called Shootfighter (1992) it stars Bolo Yeung. Lou Ferrigno puts in a sensitive performance as exemplified in his first fight scene when he jovially introduces himself to his mean opponent, with the now-immortal line “Hi!, I’m Billy!” Billy doesn’t want to fight and he is a sweet-natured man. But the gangsters attempt to corrupt him to be a fighting machine. Let’s not forget about Reb Brown and his classic yell. (e.g. Strike Commando (1987) and every movie Brown has been in.) Cage apparently had so many fans clamoring for more “Cagey” goodness a sequel was thankfully released 5 years later!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett