Sword Of Heaven (1985)

Sword Of Heaven (1985)- * * *1\2

Directed by: Byron Meyers

Starring: Tadashi Yamashita, Joseph J. Randazzo, Gerry Gibson, Mel Novak, Karen Sheperd, Bill "Superfoot" Wallace, Gerard Okamura, and Mika









When a meteor crashes to earth in the ancient past, Japanese monks use it to fashion a magical, glowing sword. Now, in present-day Los Angeles, a cop named Tadashi (Yamashita) and his very Irish partner Patrick (Gibson) are fighting not only police corruption, a sadistic pimp named Cain (Randazzo) and a paramilitary group led by camp commander Dirk St. John (Novak), but Tadashi agrees to try and find the missing sword and return it back to its rightful owner, because it has been in his family for centuries. 

Not only that, but the daughter of the sword’s owner, Satoko (Mika), has been kidnapped. It sure looks like there’s a lot on Patrick and Tadashi’s plate, but luckily Tadashi “Is the best the Japanese have to offer” and he can “handle any weapon ever made”. Does that include the...SWORD OF HEAVEN?

We absolutely loved Sword of Heaven. It has that funny, insane, yet unwittingly (?) wacky sensibility we enjoy so much. It has one of the best openings we’ve seen in a while, as Tadashi tears around the desert, popping wheelies on his motorbike - this after we actually see the materials for the sword coming out of space hundreds of years ago! 

The music that accompanies these scenes and many others is triumphant and Superman-like, and the rest of the score is extremely catchy as well. There’s even a song during a chase that sounds a LOT like ZZ Top’s “Legs”. The music, like the movie itself, is upbeat and fast paced.

While it may seem impressive that genre stalwarts Karen Sheperd, Bill “Superfoot” Wallace and Gerald Okamura have joined Tadashi, you truly haven’t lived until you’ve seen Tadashi Yamashita - who looks like a Japanese Mitt Romney - executing his Martial Arts moves while (needlessly, which makes it funny) going undercover in a red dress. This when not on his awesome motorbike with a sword strapped to his back. 

His most noteworthy nemesis, in a movie full of them, is Joe Randazzo as Cain. He wears one glove like Michael Jackson and puts in an over-the-top, bonkers performance that on the John Miller scale of acting, rates about a 6.5 to a 7.

There’s the token barfight (check out the pinball machines), absurd 80’s insults are thrown around, and even though the kidnapped girl’s name is Satoko, it REALLY sounds like all the characters are calling her “Sudoku”. For half the movie we thought Tadashi really loved seeking out challenging number puzzles. 

But even though the movie is slathered in the loony goings-on you just have to love, there’s plenty of great action and stunts as well, so the action side of our brains is fully satisfied. There’s even a classic “hero goes in the woods and proceeds to kill goons” ending, each with different weaponry, which shows the movie’s heart was in the right place all along.

During the infamous nightclub scene, a metal band is on stage called Ninja Warriors of Rock, playing a song called “War of Love”. Released on VHS by TransWorld, do yourself a favor and see Sword of Heaven!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett 

Ninja Protector (1986)

Ninja Protector (1986)- * * *

Directed by: Godfrey Ho

Starring: Richard Harrison, Andy Chorowsky, and David Bowles












 By day, Ninja Master Gordon Anderson - which is actually his credit (Harrison, of course) - runs an Interpol division of agents who chase down and arrest forgers. He even wears a slick white jacket while doing so. By later in the day, Gordon puts on his camouflage ninja outfit and takes down the forgers the classic ninja way. 

The team thinks they’re doing a great job, little realizing that the ninja cleansing the town of forgers is really their boss. In the spliced-in subplot, a guy named Warren is pursuing a modeling career, but his affair with the head of the modeling agency is destroying his relationship with a woman named Judy. There’s a chance a woman named Susan is involved in the forgery ring and posing as a higher-up in the modeling agency. 

But we’re not entirely sure, because here’s where things really start to get confusing: the main villain of the piece appears to be a bearded White guy in a red ninja suit named Lead Villain Bruce (Bowles), and how he fits into all this is unclear. Then the jumble begins. Naturally the only thing that can set things straight is a good old fashioned ninja battle. Is there anything a good old fashioned ninja battle can’t solve? Find out today...

Ninja Protector, or Ninja THE Protector, or THE Ninja Protector, or Project Ninja Daredevils, or whatever ninja-based title happens to be slapped on, is certainly the shortest Godfrey Ho outing we’ve seen to date, clocking in at a mere 68 minutes. Perhaps due to the constant chopping and slicing throughout his career, sometimes a shorter piece is left over, kind of like how sometimes after a pizza is divided with a pizza cutter, there’s a really skinny sliver of a slice left. 

That being said, Ninja Protector feels longer than its stated running time. Everything gets started on an up note however, with a jaunty instrumental theme song that sounds like it belongs on an early-80’s game show. At any moment during the credits, you think a voice will suddenly say, “and now your host, Peter Tomarken!!”

Sadly, Tomarken is nowhere to be seen (though an abrasively-overdubbed Tomarken doing ninja moves and swordfights would be mind-bogglingly awesome) but in his place we do have the legendary Richard Harrison. He probably shot about two films’ worth of footage for Mr. Ho, but has appeared in like ninety. From whatever source it may have come from, we do get (only) one rather extended scene of a shirtless Harrison flexing while holding a sword. And this is towards the end of the movie when his ninja credentials have been firmly established. It’s just so gratuitous it’s really funny. 

He also illustrates that in order to be a true ninja, you never walk when you can cartwheel. Just to cover a very short distance in a field that any of us non-ninjas would have walked a few steps, Ninja Master Gordon Anderson flips like a short order cook’s burgers. Seems like a waste of energy, but we’re not Ninja Master Gordon Anderson.

Here’s another important lesson we learned from NMGA: No guyliner = normal everyday dude. Guyliner = ninja master. Why guyliner is an integral part of the ninja transformation we do not yet know. 

But maybe it plays in to the fact that NMGA has to keep not just his secret identity under wraps, but the entire concept of ninjas as well. After a ninja tells a not-too-bright and pudgy man named Andy (Chworowsky) the classic line “only a ninja can defeat a ninja”, Andy’s response is “what’s a ninja?” - and after continually asking what ninjas are, NMGA has to convince him that they’re nothing more than the stuff of legend, presumably to maintain his job security.

In the end, Ninja Protector is incoherent ninja nonsense of the type that only Mr. Ho can provide. Either his wacky style appeals to you or it doesn’t. Regardless, if you’re thinking about watching one of his movies for the first time, don’t start here. Try Clash of the Ninjas (1986) instead.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, The Video Vacuum!

Ninja: The Battalion (1988)

Ninja: The Battalion (1988)- * * * 

Directed by: Godfrey Ho

Starring: Roger Crawford, Alexander Lau, and Liza Dunwell









 
 Four Chinese scientists that are experts in germ warfare have been kidnapped by the evil Japanese, headed by a man named Nakamura. He’s using his Mitsui Company as a cover for Japanese agents and espionage in Shanghai, China. A man named Ken Yong, who introduces himself to new people he meets by saying he’s the “number one secret agent!” is on the case. He’s also a snappy dresser, never without a fedora and bow tie. Yong gets his two best agents, a man named Alex (presumably Alexander Lou) and his partner, a blonde Westerner named Steven, to unravel what’s going on and save the scientists. 

But it’s going to prove complicated (very, very complicated) because the Russians are involved, as well as an all-female mercenary group known as The Tigresses, and naturally the way to settle the disputes of all involved, in the interest of international negotiations, is ninja, ninja, ninja! Watch in amazement as the indefatigable Godfrey Ho churns out another mishmash of entertainment...

Somehow, we never get tired of the works of Godfrey Ho. Just as he himself never gets tired of creating them. They have an unorthodox, demented style all their own. And TransWorld entertainment never seemed to tire of releasing them to video stores during the 80’s Ninja Boom. So we’ll just keep talking about them until we run out of Ninja Boom movies to talk about (which will be never). 

Ninja: The Battalion features all the impressive physical feats and completely absurd dubbing we’ve come to know and love. The movie’s insistence on anglicizing all the names certainly adds to the ridiculousness: not only was it directed by “Victor Sears”, but the head of the Tigresses is named “Ruth Brooks”, they kidnap a man named “Jimmy”, and a dude named “Clay” is head of one of the espionage groups. Who did they think they were fooling? But it all adds to the fun.

It has some great opening freeze frames (yes, more than one). We’re always talking about how much we love when people walk away coolly from an explosion, preferably in slow motion and/or while wearing sunglasses (bonus points if they’re smoking). What never gets discussed are freeze-frame explosions. “Victor Sears” tries to set the record straight. 

The movie has some of the other time-honored moments we always see: the disco scene, the Prerequisite Torture, the fights in the woods, and, because Godfrey Ho is the director, his classic Final Field Fight. He also makes sure to include his crawling ninjas, as well as his ninjas that defy the laws of physics and gravity, which spice things up and make everything fun to watch. The plot strand that involved The Tigresses was one of the more interesting ones in this Gordian Knot, and anytime they were on screen, things seemed to pick up. 

Further weirdness ensues, as if more was necessary, when characters communicate via hand symbols while a song that sounds a lot like “New York Groove” plays repeatedly on the soundtrack. But if you didn’t want nonsensical weirdness, you wouldn’t be watching this in the first place.

Godfrey Ho is the master of turning cinematic nonsense into an art, and his movies, once you get into their singular style, become addictive. Though it may seem counterintuitive, we look forward to the next one.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Out On Bail (1989)

Out On Bail (1989)-* * *

Directed by: Gordon Hessler

Starring: Robert Ginty, Kathy Shower, Tom Badal, Dewaal Stemmit, and Sydney Lassick












 John Dee (Ginty) is a drifter who isn’t looking for trouble, but trouble always seems to find him. He rides the rails into the dusty ol’ town of Fairfield (we don’t know what State it’s set in, but the movie was shot in Johannesburg, South Africa) and instantly runs afoul of the corrupt cops, led by Sheriff Taggart (Badal). Dee forges a relationship with innkeeper Sally Anne Lewis (Shower) and her mute son Jimmy (Dewaal Stemmit), and just while they’re learning to love John Dee, he gets put into the local jail and needs local attorney Otis T. Smiley (Lassick) to defend him. But John Dee is a man who can defend himself, so to clear his good name and get to the bottom of the conspiracy that goes all the way to the top, he takes the law in his own hands. But will he be OUT ON BAIL long enough to get to the truth?

Out On Bail is fan-favorite Robert Ginty at his best. He delivers an intense performance and the audience grows to really like him. Under the direction of Gordon Hessler, an experienced guy who also directed Sho Kosugi at his best with Pray For Death (1985), and another Sho vehicle, Rage Of Honor (1987), among many other things, he brings out the best in Ginty. The movie itself has a cool, tough vibe, and is underrated. Despite a valley of slowness in the middle (brought on by its slightly excessive running time), a DVD release should be in order, because this is a film more people really should see.

Besides the great Ginty, Tom Badal puts in an excellently smarmy and hate-able performance as Taggart. It’s always nice to see Kathy Shower as well, and, as if her name subconsciously leads to this, there’s a shower scene with her (yay!) and Ginty (boo). Sydney Lassick is also a name that continually pops up. Take The Art Of Dying (1991), for example. His personality is pretty funny and wacky - he truly was the Rich Fulcher of his day. Plus the fact that his name is Otis T. Smiley should tell you all you need to know about his character. But Out On Bail on the whole is not comical, It’s just Lassick who provides a bit of comic relief at times.

The movie has a great opening, and it’s hard to maintain that energy level throughout the entire film. There are plenty of stunts with shreddin’ guitars behind them, both at the beginning and the The Gauntlet (1977) - inspired ending. Out On Bail does inDeed deliver the goods, as it’s a well-written and executed action film, that packs a surprising emotional punch as well. We give our full blessing to this highly entertaining film.

Released on the TransWorld label, and featuring the end credits song, “Now You Want To Leave” by Bridget Michele, Out On Bail is worth seeking out.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Code Name: Zebra (1987)

Code Name: Zebra (1987)-* * *1\2

Directed by: Joe Tornatore

Starring: James Mitchum, Mike Lane, Joe Donte, Timmy Brown, Chuck Morell, Charles Dierkop, George "Buck" Flower, Robert Z'Dar, and Frank Sinatra Jr.


“I’mnotababyI’mfiveyearsold.”-Anthony









Carmine Longo (Lane) has just been released from prison after a seven year stretch. He’s a dangerous Mafia hitman who’s going around L.A. killing members of a secret squad of justice-doers named “The Zebra Force”. Longo blames them for his incarceration. When Frank Barnes (Mitchum) gets wind of this, he’s not happy. With the help of second in command Jim Bob Cougar (Brown), who, despite the redneck-sounding name is actually a Black guy, he re-assembles the Zebra Force to rally the troops against Longo, his benefactor Voce (Donte) and a whole panoply of baddies they’re now embroiled in a war with. On the side of the law, Lt. Dietrich (Morrell) is tired of the corrupt system that lets criminals back on the streets, so he secretly applauds what The Zebra Force is doing, as does cop Bundy (Flower). Will the awesome power of The Zebra Force and their too-tight black bomber jackets prevail?

Now this is the type of movie we’re always championing here at Comeuppance Reviews - a street-level revenge actioner from the 80’s that got lost in the video-store shuffle of the day, with a ton of unintentional comedy and amateurish gaffes, that’s hugely entertaining and a complete product of its time. Movies like Code Name: Zebra will NEVER be made again and are windows into a world long past, never to return.
 They should be treasured, or, if not that, at least given a fresh look today.

 
Starting with alternating white-on-black, then black-on-white credits (get it?) with some classic 80’s blaring sax on the soundtrack, before the movie even properly starts, we’re totally in the spirit. Then we see a street scene with some kids breakdancing, and we’re in VHS heaven. And once we realize a bunch of Vietnam vets are fighting the Mafia, which includes Frank Sinatra Jr. and Robert Z’Dar (playing a character with the classic Italian name of “Shigaru”) of all people, you just have to surrender to the charms of Code Name: Zebra. There’s also a character named “Crazy” (played by Charles Dierkop of Blood Red, 1989 and Liberty & Bash, 1989) - not “Crazy Jim” or “Crazy Uncle Stuart”, just Crazy. You gotta love it.

Plus there is some priceless dialogue which is filled with odd turns of phrase and confusing malapropisms. Gems include “He’s the finger”, “Let’s go bye bye” and personal favorite “He’s a thumbs-up guy.” Not a stand-up guy, a thumbs-up guy. Who wrote the dialogue, the afore-quoted five year old who’s not a baby anymore? Because if so, he should get a Writer’s Guild award. Eggheads with Master’s Degrees in writing couldn’t come up with such priceless material.

And it’s not just the lines being said, it’s how the audience hears them - the ADR is truly laugh-out-loud funny here. Voices come out of nowhere, from odd directions, and are certainly not being said by (or matched to) the actors on screen. Thankfully fan favorite George “Buck” Flower was not a victim of this, because his voice in the movie is very unique and memorable. We also like Jim Mitchum, but to most people this probably wouldn’t be considered his finest hour. We tend to disagree. He puts in such a hilariously phoned-in, uncaring performance, you have to respect the man. We haven’t seen such obvious disdain and contempt for even having to be on set since Burt Reynolds in Malone (1987). Totally awesome.

The VHS tape released by TransWorld is sharp, bright and colorful even today. They did a great job.  Much more fun than The Zebra Force (1976), the movie that this is a sequel to, we definitely recommend Code Name: Zebra.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

White Ghost (1988)

White Ghost (1988)-* * *

Directed by: BJ Davis

Starring: William Katt, Rosalind Chao, Wayne Crawford, John Barrett, and Reb Brown

Steve Shepard (Katt) was a soldier in Vietnam. But after all his fellow soldiers went home, Shepard stayed behind. He developed a life for himself in the jungle, and even got a Vietnamese wife (Chao), who now is pregnant with their child. But, to the locals in rural 'Nam, he's known as the "White Ghost". (He even wears white pancake makeup to further compound his reputation). Maj. Cross (Brown) decides to extract Shepard from the jungle, bring him back to the U.S., and find out what he knows. To do this, he hires a team of mercenaries. Now, with both the mercenaries and the Vietnamese army out for his blood, will Steve survive to white it up another day?

When we first see William Katt here, he looks like Christopher Atkins from The Blue Lagoon (1980). i.e., blonde and nearly nude. Somehow, after 15 years in the Vietnamese jungle, he still has a stylish perm. His bizarre afro/mullet hybrid aside, you have to admire his dedication to the hottest styles. Katt's performance (as well as his "outfits"), and to a certain extent, the movie itself, is reminiscent of the great Deadly Prey (1987) - but without about 90% of that movie's insanity. But, rest assured, about 10% is left over.

White Ghost's director, BJ Davis, is the man responsible for Laser Mission (1989), so, there you go. While we greatly enjoyed Katt's presence here (especially his "conviction face"), and think it's a shame he wasn't in more movies like this in the 70's and 80's, we also felt Wings Hauser could have filled the Steve Shepard role nicely.

While the movie does start slow, it's worth hanging in there, because it does pick up steam as it goes along. White Ghost is pretty much a slightly above average 80's VHS Vietnam action movie, with all the trappings that would imply. Torture, shooting, booby traps, blow-ups, and of course the guard tower falls and exploding huts we all know and enjoy. But there are plenty of funny and silly moments as well to keep the viewers' interest even further.

As far as the mercenaries in this particular jungle, or the "White Ghost Team" with its "White Ghost Leader", there's the guy that looks like Stallone, the guy that looks like Jesse Ventura, the beardo and John Barrett. Barrett doesn't do all that much here, but you can chalk up another actioner for his underrated career. Their character names aren't all that important, but the scenes with the mercs do provide some more good bits in the film. As for fan favorite Reb Brown, you have to wait almost the whole movie to hear his trademark yells, but they're there all right.

Released on TransWorld in VHS in the 80's, White Ghost is a decent, good movie, worth picking up if you see it somewhere cheap.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Rage Of Honor (1987)

Rage Of Honor (1987)-* *1\2

Directed by: Gordon Hessler

Starring: Sho Kosugi, Lewis Van Bergen, Robin Evans, and Richard Wiley




"When just getting even is not enough!"








 Shiro Tanaka (Sho) is a Phoenix, Arizona cop working for the “Drug Investigation Bureau”. Both he and his partner Ray (Wiley) are sick of department red tape, and even though they always get results, the top brass is always coming down on them for their “reckless” ways. While working an angle, Ray goes solo to the compound of the sadistic drug lord Havelock (Van Bergen), where he is then tortured and killed. Shiro vows revenge and uses every weapon at his disposal to stop his arch-nemesis, and eventually this leads them both into the jungles of Argentina where the final battle commences. Will the resourceful Shiro win the day?

Starting from the opening “party boat” scene, you know you’re in for a heavy dose of 80’s awesomeness.  (frustratingly, the one song used in the film, a Wang Chung/Mister Mister-like jaunt, is not listed in the credits or anywhere online that we could find). Both here and throughout the whole film, Sho’s thick accent is in full force. Some of the most hilarious moments in the movie come during the dialogue scenes, where the other actors have to simply pretend his accent isn’t unintelligible. So, to keep Sho’s dialogue to a minimum, he pauses instead of speaks in many cases. The result is amusing. But the other actors aren’t blameless here either - while Sho’s name in the movie is “Shiro”, it sounds like most people are calling him “Churro”. While this would be insulting to Mexicans and Japanese alike, I think we can put this down to lack of understanding of Japanese naming traditions. While this is part and parcel of the whole Sho experience, fans really want to see Sho in action, and they are treated to some great stuff here.

While the film lacks one of Sho’s trademark opening-credits displays of his moves, we do see throughout the movie his wide array of weaponry. Some of which he is credited with creating himself. While the bad guys have some noteworthy hardware, such as long , Wolverine-like metal claws that remind you of Terror Claws Skeletor, in almost every action scene, Sho seems to have a tackle box filled with throwing stars, nunchuks, swords, grappling hooks and many other items. One of the coolest is a digital throwing star which blows up on contact. It doesn’t get any more awesome than that.

But, if truth must be told, there is some filler in this one. This is director Gordon Hessler's immediate follow-up to Pray for Death (1985), which is a much more consistent film. Yes, Havelock is the classic “hiss-able” bad guy, but Limehouse Willie beats him in both the name and pure evilness departments. Once the action moves to Argentina, it gets dangerously close to a standard Exploding Hut jungle slog, and Sho can do better.  We liked him in the scenes with his tuxedo and white scarf, looking suave. Despite what may surround him, one fact is undeniable: Sho is cool.

Interestingly, while Sho is, here, for all intents and purposes, a ninja, the whole “ninja” aspect is not played up at all. No one says the word “ninja” and no emphasis is put there. Perhaps by 1987 the filmmakers felt the whole Ninja Boom was on the wane and they would try out Sho as a cop...who’s basically a ninja.

So go back to a time when men smoked in hotel lobbies (and the prerequisite abandoned warehouses), and Sho ruled the video store shelves. While we believe the best Sho movie we’ve seen to date is Pray for Death, the Cannon-like fun of Rage of Honor shouldn’t be forgotten among those who can’t get enough of the thrills of Sho.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

White Fire (1984)

White Fire (1984)-* * *

Directed by: Jean-Marie Pallardy

Starring: Robert Ginty, Gordon Mitchell, Belinda Mayne, Mirella Banti, Jess Hahn, and Fred Williamson













Now here's a weird one. Imagine if someone threw a bunch of film reels from different drive-in movies in the air, and used Robert Ginty's chainsaw you see above to wildly slice them at random. Then they spliced them all together and stuffed the result in a projector. The result would undoubtedly be...WHITE FIRE!

In this highly entertaining monument to nonsensicality, Robert Ginty and Belinda Mayne play brother and sister Boris "Bo" Donnelly and Ingrid Donnelly. When they were children, their parents were killed by soldiers. The man who saved them, Sam (Jess Hahn) is now their friend in adulthood, and they live in Turkey. He has a sleazy associate named Peyton (at least we think that's what his name is). What are they up to?  Apparently, Bo and Ingrid stole some diamonds and some bad guys want them back. Gordon Mitchell plays Olaf, a man who works in a futuristic diamond mine where they wear crazy outfits and torture and kill people. A gigantic diamond called "White Fire" is in the mine, but if anyone touches it, they melt. Then it gets really crazy.

Many bad guys are after the Donnellys, including the Italians Sophia  (Banti), who has a hilarious accent,  and Barbarossa (Benito Stefanelli), not to mention an army of mustachioed Turks. During a brawl, Ingrid is "killed". Bo is crushed because they had such a close relationship (a little too close...more on that later) so he goes to drown his sorrows at the local watering hole. After the prerequisite barfight, a woman named Olga (Diana Goodman) comes home with him. She has blonde hair like Ingrid did, so, naturally, Sam suggests, "She could be Ingrid. We could replace her", or something to that effect. Of course, Olga goes along with the plan and goes to a bizarre castle populated only by women in diaphanous scarves and gets plastic surgery. Now she looks like/is Ingrid. Now Bo can fall in love with her without technically committing incest. But there's yet another wrinkle. Noah (Williamson) is after Olga because he is a pimp and she is a prostitute that escaped without paying him some money (that's the best we could make out of that unfollowable jumble of a subplot).

SO! Will Bo and Olga/Ingrid ride off into the sunset with the White Fire? Or will Olaf and Noah get their way? And one other thing...what the HELL is going on?

I'm sorry if any of the above came off in a negative way. Despite the fact that the "plot" is as jumbled, silly and nonsensical as any Godfrey Ho epic, White Fire is actually a lot of entertaining fun. You just have to be the type of person that can accept the fact that the plot is, let's just say, "non-traditional".

White Fire is a cinematic oddity consisting of crazily choppy editing, nutty sound effects, loud, laughable dubbing, and riddled with bizarre jump cuts. And that's just the technical side. The plot is just a bunch of loose strands that make no sense. Add to that the Jon Lord-related soundtrack (two songs, the fast, title song and a sensitive ballad they repeat over and over, presumably by the band Limelight). It has all the exploitation goodies, over-the-top nudity and violence, and of course the "bad" acting...but what really sets this apart is the relationship between Bo and Ingrid...and Bo and Ingrid/Olga. It's just so weird all the way around.

Fred Williamson is here in a rare bad guy role, and Ginty and the others wear some pretty amazing fashions. For fans of true cinema weirdness, if you haven't already discovered it, there's a rich mine of greatness to be found in White Fire.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty