Blast (1997)

Blast (1997)- * *

Directed by: Albert Pyun

Starring: Linden Ashby, Tim Thomerson, Shannon Elizabeth, Andrew Divoff, and Rutger Hauer

Some terrorist baddies decide to take the swim team hostage at the Atlanta Olympics. Sure. Makes sense. The stereotypical eurotrash baddie this time around is Omodo (Divoff). Needless to say, he has an accent and a team of nefarious helpers, and he’s not afraid to use either one. Foiling their plans is humble janitor Jack Bryant (Ashby). Evidently he was an Olympic Tae Kwon Do champion at some point in the past and he took the janitor job just to be close to the Olympics in some form or fashion. 

While Police Commissioner (that’s all he’s credited as) (Thomerson) is doing his best during this trying hostage situation, seemingly Jack Bryant’s only real help comes in the form of a man named Leo (Hauer), who is wheelchair-bound and has Willie Nelson-esque pigtails. Sure. Makes sense. Will Jack Bryant – who doesn’t exactly give Jack Wild a run for his money – defeat the baddies and save the swim team? Will watching this movie be a total BLAST? Or…not so much? Dare you find out?

Okay, we knew going in that this was an Albert Pyun-directed Die Hard knockoff. Our prospects were looking dim, but we decided to forge ahead anyway – as they say, “expect the worst but pray for the best”. Or something like that. We’d love to say that we were pleasantly surprised, but we simply weren’t. Blast is a dull, bland, uninspired and mediocre run-through of clichés. Pyun seems to have a reverse Midas touch – he always manages to take any material he works with and make it dour and gray.

We’ll try and stay positive. The cast is good, which is one reason we decided to throw (well-deserved) caution to the wind and plunge headlong back into Pyun-land in the first place. We appreciated the presence of fan favorite Divoff, but he’s better in Ballistica. Of course we love Rutger Hauer, but it’s necessarily a sit-down role, and not much of one at that. It’s pretty much the same for Tim Thomerson. Our…hero…Linden Ashby is like Matthew McConaughey but without any personality or life. The swim team girls resemble Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Selma Blair, and Shannon Elizabeth. Upon further inspection, we found that one of them is Shannon Elizabeth. 

The Die-Hard-with-a-janitor scenario was done better with Michael Dudikoff (as most things are) in Virtual Assassin (1995). The problem here is that the baddies wear the same clothing as the staff because they were trying to blend in, so it’s hard to tell who is who during the fight scenes. Said fight scenes could have had much more impact if they were just shot better. Interestingly, John Wick (2014) co-director Chad Stahelski gets a thank you during the credits, so we can only assume anything that makes the fight scenes good are because of him.

Unlike other Pyun movies, things actually happen in this film, and that’s to his credit. Unfortunately, what does happen is pedestrian and colorless. He even manages to muck things up by adding those unnecessary and annoying sounds as transition noises between scenes. Why do some directors think this is necessary? Perhaps the best thing about Blast is the Filmwerks logo, which is a lot like the one from MTV News. Before the movie started, we got excited that Kurt Loder was going to throw it to Tabitha Soren, but, alas, that was not to be. 

Perhaps the more apt title for this movie would have been “Bomb”.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Also check out a write-up from our buddy, The DTVC!

Postmortem (1998)

Postmortem (1998)-*1\2

Directed by: Albert Pyun

Starring: Charles Sheen and Ivana Milicevic











James McGregor (Charles Sheen) is a former San Francisco cop who is now a celebrity serial killer profiler. He goes to Scotland to discover his Scottish roots and also to try to get away from his demons, which seem to be alcoholism and...well...alcoholism. When a serial killer begins killing the women of Glasgow, at first McGregor is a suspect but then he begins working with the authorities to try to apprehend the evildoer before he strikes again. Will Charles use all his serial killer knowledge to prevent another killing?

Albert Pyun once again proves - as if further proof was needed - that he’s a talentless human being with this dour drama that struggles to hold the viewers’ interest. Sure, it might be a mild improvement on earlier Pyun disasters, but that’s not saying much. The fact that it’s a Charles outing should be another red flag. Of course, once we see him smoking, drinking and acting crazy, we thought Postmortem might be a documentary about Sheen’s life, but that turned out to be a false alarm.

This is a very standard “chasing a serial killer” movie, and this plot has been done countless times, and it was perfected by TV shows like Criminal Minds. Pyun brings nothing new to the table. The Scottish locations are somewhat interesting, and the movie is certainly buoyed somewhat by them and the Scottish actors. But Sheen seems miscast as someone named “McGregor”. It seems to be something of a misuse of Sheen.

Sheen was hitting the skids, Pyun is usually on the skids, and the whole thing is kind of a mess. Postmortem has zero sense of pacing and thus “PostBoredom” is a more accurate name.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Cyborg (1989)

Cyborg (1989)-*1\2

Directed by: Albert Pyun

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Deborah Richter, Vincent Klyn, Matt McColm, Dayle Haddon, Alex Daniels, and Ralf Moeller

In a desolate, post-apocalypse world, Gibson (Van Damme) is a fighter hired to escort a cyborg named Pearl (Haddon) who has a potential cure for a plague that is decimating what’s left of the world’s population. They have to get from New York to Atlanta, but along the way there are murderous baddies who want the cure for themselves. These so-called “Pirates” are led by Fender (Klyn). But Gibson has his own reasons for wanting to take down the evil gang. Will Gibson fight his way through the obstacles to save the world?

Released in the golden year of 1989, the same release year as the far-superior Bloodsport (1989), Cyborg is basically an afterthought for Van Damme in ‘89. It’s like Cannon had some excess film so they gave it to Albert Pyun to play around with. Bad idea. While Cyborg, amazingly, was theatrically released and spawned two sequels, it turned out to be the last theatrically-released Cannon movie in the U.S. It’s not a great note to go out on.

Pyun has proven time and again he’s not a talented filmmaker, and Cyborg really is no different from any post-apocalyptic slog. It’s in the same vein as American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993), Neon City (1991), or any number of Ron Marchini movies. The characters have wacky, ragged costumes, and there are a lot of capes on show. Capes are going to be huge in the future.

As far as the cast, besides Van Damme, we have Klyn as Fender, but due to the fact that he resembles a cross between Mario Van Peebles and our current president, we kept calling him “Mario Van Obama”. Seeing as Van Damme plays “Gibson Rickenbacker”, Klyn plays “Fender Tremolo” and Alex Daniels plays “Marshall Strat”, apparently also in the future you get a guitar name. Ralf Moeller is on show looking like some sort of ridiculous, long-haired caveman (named Brick Bardo of course, Pyun’s ubiquitous trademark name), and in his first movie role, none other than Matt McColm plays one of the Pirates.

So you’d think a movie with Van Damme, Moeller and McColm would be a surefire winner, but sloppiness, nonsensicality and a defiant lack of character development sink that quickly. There are some cool, bone-crunching fight sequences, but not enough to save the movie. These guys running around yet another abandoned warehouse isn’t all that interesting, but then there are some cyborg effects and a “Passion of the Van Damme” crucifixion, but none of it seems very competently handled.

If you know the Albert Pyun style of filmmaking (and if you do, we’re so sorry), Cyborg is more of the same. Personally we believe this is one of Van Damme’s weaker efforts, especially from the prime of his career when he was firing on all cylinders.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Bloodmatch (1991)

Bloodmatch (1991)-*

Directed By: Albert Pyun

Starring: Thom Matthews, Hope Marie Carlton, Benny "The Jet" Urquidez, and Thunderwolf










Bad bad bad bad bad. "Bloodmatch" is another dud from the Albert Pyun canon. It's poor, even by his standards.

Apparently, an unlikable jerk named Brick Bardo (Mathews)(a common name if you watch Pyun movies) is trying to avenge the fact that his brother was caught up in some illegal fighting and got in trouble, even though his brother was innocent. So he and his partner Max (Marianne Taylor), a former nurse whose fight moves make her resemble a female Andy Bauman, go around drugging and kidnapping the people he thinks are responsible. He rents the entire Las Vegas arena for his own personal vendetta and forces Brent (Dale Jacoby), the smug, "Johnny Cage"-style fighter, Billy (Urquidez), a janitor, Mike (Thunderwolf), who is similar to "Street Fighter"'s Dee Jay, and Angel (Carlton), a Linda McMahon-style fight promoter, to fight him in the darkened arena, because for some reason he feels forcing them to fight him in the ring will bring him closer to the truth.

"Bloodmatch" is dour, dry, dark and overlong at 85 minutes. Bardo, the supposed "hero" is a hateful, spiteful, annoying and unsympathetic lead. The supposed "villains" are much more likable, so you have to question the entire enterprise. For example, Billy is a hard working janitor with a daughter. Bardo is a smug heel, and if he was a good, likable character you could get behind, that would make all the difference. But for no explained reason, he's not. Like Bardo himself and most of the other characters, the movie itself is unlikable. Apparently a hero would be too much to ask here.

You get the feeling Pyun doesn't know what he's doing and is not in control of the proceedings. The pacing is atrocious, it is glacial and the whole film feels like a slog. There are pages and pages of pointless, nonsensical exposition that no one cares about. The lighting is way too dark and grubby. There's a song in the movie, "In the Dark". Why rub it in?

Be warned: this movie is NOT a punchfighter. It is a fake, a disgrace to the word "punchfighting". Seeing as there is so much needless, brainless and juvenile dialogue, we have, unfortunately, stumbled upon a new breed of awful movie experience: the "talkfighter". When there are fights, the editing is jagged, with obvious frames removed. There are weak moves galore that don't connect. It is never explained why Bardo practically kills everyone with ease. It puts a sleeper hold on the audience.



The whole time, the audience is treated like it is stupid. It also feels like Pyun has never even seen a fighting film before and just decided to make one out of the clear blue sky. The result is disastrous.

The only positive things you can say about "Bloodmatch" are that Urquidez does an impressive, if funny spin move, and the casting of Carlton, a Playboy girl, was smart as it keeps you from just ejecting the tape and setting it on fire with rage.

Your "blood" will boil if you watch this "match" tonight.

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Down Twisted (1987)

Down Twisted (1987)-*1\2

AKA: Treasure of San Lucas

Directed By: Albert Pyun 

Starring: Carey Lowell, Charles Rocket and Courtney Cox






“The deal is going down…but it is going DOWN TWISTED!”



Perhaps this quote from the movie will help to explain the confusing title. From the title onwards, things get more and more muddled.

The plot involves Maxine, a waitress with big dreams (Lowell of Dangerously Close fame) who inadvertently gets mixed up with a gang of smugglers who are trying to get their hands on a stolen artifact called “The Crucible Of San Lucas”.

They almost get it in the beginning of the movie, but are double-crossed by an associate of Michelle, Maxine’s roommate. The baddies believe Maxine has a key to a locker which contains the artifact. She’s drugged and kidnapped and placed on a boat to San Lucas with a guy named Reno Mars (Rocket). During a scuffle they fall in the ocean and escape their captors.



Now they must dodge the baddies, the military group in red berets that run the island, and other pitfalls. Plus Maxine has a job interview to get to and she has no passport to get home. Who is double-crossing who? The allegiances are constantly changing.

'Twisted tries to be peppy but it is actually sluggish. The banter between Maxine and Reno isn’t that funny and the main problem is the over-reliance on cutesy humor. For example, during Carnival, Maxine dresses up as a chicken and Reno dresses up as a woman. The intention here was probably to drum up some “laffs” but sadly none are forthcoming.

The main bad guy is named Deltoid…..yes, Deltoid. All characters say the name with a straight face. Unfortunately, the rest of his gang (featuring Thom Matthews also of Dangerously Close fame) are not named after muscles in the human body. This could’ve been a pre-Reservoir Dogs (1992) situation: Instead of Mr. Blonde, Mr. Pink, or Mr. Orange, there could have been Mr. Deltoid, Mr. Hamstring, and Mr. Tricep. Sadly, this was a missed opportunity, one of many, with 'Twisted.

Hawaiian Albert Pyun has a long and varied career with such gems as Cyborg (1989), The Charles Sheen vehicle Postmortem (1998) , The horrible Crazy Six (1997), Urban Menace (1999) and The Wrecking Crew (2000) with Snoop D-O-double-G and the punchfighter Bloodmatch (1991) and Seagal slow walk showcase Ticker (2001) among many, many others.

Get “Down” with your bad self and don't watch this classic tonight!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty & Brett

Dangerously Close (1986)

Dangerously Close (1986)-* *

Directed By: Albert Pyun

Starring: Carey Lowell, John Stockwell, J. Eddie Peck, Thom Matthews, Madison Mason and Branford Bancroft







Donny Lennox (Peck) is a kid who is so poor, he can’t afford a new fishbowl for his fish which is too big for the current bowl. Luckily, his journalism abilities have given him a chance to go to the upscale high school for rich kids called “Vista Verde” in the magnet program. He is on the school newspaper.

You know Vista Verde is a spoiled school for the upper class because they have a salad bowl in the cafeteria where kids can just help themselves to servings of tomatoes and other leafy greens. 

Donny is friends with Krooger Raines (Bancroft, of Damned River and A Time To Die fame), a crude dude with an attitude. He has a mohawk haircut and a Knight Rider-type car. His license plate says “Beast” and everyone in town knows him as the “Kroog-Warrior”. He listens to punk and ska music and he has a brash personality.



The only problem is that there is a group of teenagers at Vista Verde known as the Sentinels. They go around hazing and terrorizing their enemies and sometimes they end up dead. Krooger defies them and they get into a punch-up in the cafeteria, and in the scuffle they knock over the precious salad bowl. Then they try to lynch Krooger, but he just might be too wily for them.

The leader of the Sentinels is McDevitt (Stockwell of Born To Ride fame). As the Sentinels ramp up their criminal activities, one of the followers, Brian (Matthews) feels it is going too far, so he ends up on the hit-list. McDevitt is abusive to his girlfriend Julie (Lowell) so she teams up with Donny to get to the truth. As it turns out, The Sentinels have a hideout with a command center with lasers, monitors and VCRs and they tape all their dastardly deeds. Whose side is hardened ‘Nam vet Principal Corrigan (Mason) really on?

In the tradition of 80s high school movies such as: Pump Up The Volume (1990), The New Kids (1985), Class Of 1984 (1982), and most notably Heathers (1989), 'Close is a lackluster mélange of all the above. If you put the aforementioned movies in a blender and dump the results in a sewer, the end result might resemble Dangerously Close. Even Lowell’s out-of-the-pool introduction is an echo of Fast Times As Ridgemont High (1982). This movie was ahead of its time in three ways: The banter of the rich, spoiled high schoolers in the L.A. presages  "The Hills" (yuck and ugh) and the fact that the Sentinels filmed their pranks predates Youtube. Thirdly, the 45-year-old “high schoolers” predates Beverly Hills 90210.

One of the odd touches in the film is a road sign that states: “Vista Verde 3km” What is this? Europe?

Despite the fact that it comes to an anti-climactic conclusion, one of the bright spots is the killer 80’s soundtrack which is proudly announced on the VHS box in type bigger than the actor’s names. We know if we saw that this movie contained the hit song “Addicted To Love” by Robert Palmer we would be renting it immediately.

Get “Dangerously Close” to renting this classic tonight!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett

Ticker (2001)

Ticker (2001)-*1\2

Directed By: Albert Pyun

Starring: Tom Sizemore, Dennis Hopper, Jaime Pressly, Nas, Joe Spano, Norbert Weisser, Peter Greene, Special Appearance by Ice-T, and Steven Seagal













"Ticker" is a hilarious comedy...isn't this supposed to be an action movie? For an action movie, it is curiously light on action.

San Francisco Detective Ray Nettles (Sizemore) is a cop on the edge, with a new partner named Fuzzy (Nas). They are dispatched to a crime scene where Irish mad bomber Alex Swan (Hopper) and his gang are hiding. Nettles punches then arrests one member of the gang, Claire (Pressly). Swan becomes enraged and a shoot-out follows, with Fuzzy getting shot and dying in Nettles' arms.

Swan escapes and is now terrorizing the city with bomb threats. After Nettles' always-angry Captain Spano (Joe Spano in the role he was born to play) yells at him, Nettles is partnered with the bomb squad. The leader of the squad is the Zen-spoutin' "Glass" (Seagal). Now it is a race against time as Glass and Nettles scurry around town to try to defuse all the bombs set by Swan.



There are so many uproarious moments in "Ticker". Here are just a few that stand out:

1. All the explosions from the bombs are culled from stock footage, and in one particularly funny sequence it jaggedly cuts to Sizemore's face. He then does a bugged-out look in "surprise" at what he is "seeing".

2. In one scene, there is a bomb-sniffing dog and the cop asks the dog: "Hey boy, do you smell nuggets?" Insert Seagal fat joke here...

3. Speaking of which: Seagal shot this movie both during AND after Exit Wounds (2001) and during that time his weight fluctuated wildly. So when the final film of Ticker was cut together, his weight noticeably changes from scene to scene. Even the many (too many) close-ups of Seagal's face can't disguise the feature-length continuity error that is his constantly changing girth.

4. We're all familiar with Seagal's laziness in doing his own ADR work. He gets someone else to say his own lines. This person sounds NOTHING like him. Ticker is rife with this. We expect that with Seagal, but with Sizemore? A man who doesn't match Sizemore's gruff voice at all did a few of his lines. Maybe the well-known "Seagal Laziness" was contagious on the set.

5. There is a supposedly "cool" shot where Seagal is walking down a hallway in slow motion. It goes on for a good three minutes and it is not cool at all. It is there to obviously pad out the running time and give Pyun a chance to pretend he is Tarantino for a day. Seagal's gait provokes prolonged laughter instead.

6. Watch out for Seagal's "Hitchcock-style" (in more ways than one...) cameo as a bearded jazz guitar player in a club. Nettles and Glass walk into the club and thus Seagal watches himself on stage for a split second. How meta. Not just Van Damme can play a double role.



The rest of the cast is slumming beyond belief, especially Hopper. All of his scenes are shot in close-up and he speaks in an inconsistent Irish accent. Ice-T is in this mess for two seconds as a terrorist.

All in all, Ticker is a "blast" to watch with friends.

Quoth Seagal in the last line of the movie: "Love is eternal and that is a long time."

Comeuppance Review by: Ty & Brett