Real Bullets (1988)

 

Real Bullets (1988)- * * *

Directed by:  Lance Lindsay

Starring: John Gazarian, Darlene Landau, and Martin Landau 

John Davidian (Gazarian) is the founder and main instructor at the Southern California Stunt School. This year's class is a fun-lovin' group of guys and gals who just want to learn the ways of stunt and then party down in their off time. Unfortunately for them, they cross paths with a drug gang based out of the Vasquez Rocks area in Agua Dulce, California. At first the goons think the stunt team won't be a formidable fighting force, but they turn out to be wrong. Head gangster Sallini (Martin Landau) gets progressively less and less happy as the stuntpeople win more and more of their skirmishes. Will our stunt players get out alive, now that they're playing with...REAL BULLETS?


From the makers of Driven to Kill (1991), Real Bullets is something of a cross between Death Cheaters (1976) and Lone Hero (2002), with a bit of The Contra Conspiracy (1990) and Invasion Force (1990) thrown in for good measure. It was clearly a labor of love for everyone involved, because even though the film was done on a very low budget with mostly non-actors or people just starting out in their career, they managed to turn in a film with an upbeat tone that has a lot of heart.


With that in mind, it's easy to overlook the many technical flaws, such as bad lighting and poor sound quality and things like that. They become unimportant when we're introduced to "The Old Miner" character (that's what everyone calls him) or when John Gazarian breaks out his bow and arrow (which is an odd signature weapon to have in a movie called Real Bullets, but, then again, the whole structure of the film is pretty odd). Also, it's narrated for some reason.


Everyone in the cast has the same character name as their real name, with the exceptions of Martin Landau as Sallini and John Gazarian as John Davidian. Apparently it was important for him to be playing a different Armenian stuntman. Everyone else can be themselves, though. Just another oddity that reinforces the fact that Real Bullets is well worth watching.



Martin Landau's Sallini is a guy who pretty much yells lines like "No More Mistakes!" and other cliches, mostly over the telephone. At one point he wears a blindingly-white suit that can only be described as being of the Ice Cream variety. It's so "Wonderful" that it's amazing that Joe Mantegna, Esai Morales, and Edward James Olmos didn't come looking for it. Meanwhile, Martin Landau's daughter Darlene is running around here somewhere. She has only appeared in two movies to date - Driven to Kill and Real Bullets. It all comes back around.


A highlight occurs when a classic barfight breaks out at a place called Alice's Topless Joint. On their sign, it reads "Truckers Welcome, Suckers Keep Out". (Well, there might have been some inappropriately-placed apostrophes in the words "Trucker's" and "Sucker's", but who's counting? It all adds to the rough-hewn charm of the movie). It's also quite a strange phenomenon that it seems like there are way more members of the stunt school towards the end of the film than there were at the beginning. Or it could have been an optical illusion in the desert. Who knows?


Real Bullets obviously impressed the higher-ups at Vidmark back in the day, enough for them to give it a VHS release. But perhaps they didn't have total faith in the film, because these days it's one of the rarest Vidmark titles. Maybe they made it in limited quantities. All that aside, if you can manage to brush aside (or embrace) all the technical issues, there is plenty of enjoyment to be had with Real Bullets.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Access Code (1984)

Access Code (1984)- * *

Directed by: Mark Sobel

Starring: Martin Landau, Michael Napoli, Marcia Walter, Gyl Roland, Michael Ansara, and Bill Woods












 Apparently somebody, somewhere has stolen some nukes and a secret government agency is trying to get them back before they blow up the earth. Meanwhile a journalist named Ben Marcus (the Dustin Hoffman-like Michael Napoli, in his only screen credit) is also attempting to get to the truth. Along with him on this adventure are Julie Barnes (Walter) and a man named William (Woods). They’re all on the run and there’s a bunch of talky “intrigue”, meanwhile no one, including the audience, has a very clear picture of what’s going on.

On the side of the government is a man named Agency Head (Landau). It may seem like a strange name, but maybe he’s related to Murray Head of One Night in Bangkok fame. Or, the writers were too lazy to come up with a name for the most respected actor on the project. Will we ever find out the super-secret ACCESS CODE?

The only people likely to wring any enjoyment out of Access Code are fans of “80’s tech”, as there are plenty of single-color computers and reel-to-reel tape machines, not to mention microwaves with dials. 

Thankfully, and unnecessarily, the computers talk to the people tapping away on them, of course in that typical monotonous robot voice. That was amusing, but maybe it is necessary after all, because there were some misspellings on the screen (we spend a lot of time looking at computer screens in this flick), for instance, we think they were trying to spell  “multi-faceted”. All that aside, Access Code has a slow/weird pace, and seemed destined to be video store shelf-filler from moment one.

Director Mark Sobel also directed Sweet Revenge (1987), and wrote the similarly-themed, but much more coherent and entertaining Terminal Entry (1988). Both ‘Entry and ‘Code were produced by Sandy Cobe, the man behind the legendary Revolt (1986). So there’s a nice 80’s pedigree here, and Sobel was obviously influenced by 1984 (probably the novel, because the movie with John Hurt came out the same year as Access Code - unsurprisingly, 1984), as well as The Conversation (1974), among other paranoid thrillers. 

Unfortunately, his attempt does not thrill. But he tried to marry those ideas with the then-current obsession with access codes and all things computer and nuclear. Sadly, the results are lackluster and mediocre, but he did get a second try with Terminal Entry and he made the best of it.

There are, of course, some noteworthy cliches here, such as a computer expert being called “The Best” by a government guy, and the fact that very important information is on a much sought-after disc (in this case, of the black and floppy variety). Let’s not forget Martin Landau is on board for some reason, and most of his scenes appear on a totally black set that would later appear in The Killing Man (1994), and The Charlie Rose show. 

It’s amazing any dialogue gets said at all, because the people we see on screen commit the un-PC act of smoking many, many cigarettes. But at least we get the priceless line readings of one Bill Woods as William. He was our favorite character. An interesting connection occurs in the casting of Gyl Roland as Kathy, who also was in Black Gunn (1972) with Martin Landau. Michael Ansara makes a notable appearance here as a Senator, mainly because he looks a lot like Edward James Olmos. We called him Senator Olmos.

The whole outing has a TV movie vibe and after it’s all over, you sit there wondering “what happened?” - none of it really sticks with you. Despite the deliveries of William, on the whole we thought Access Code was unimpressive.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty 

Sweet Revenge (1987)

 Sweet Revenge (1987)-* *1\2

Directed by: Mark Sobel

Starring: Ted Shackelford, Nancy Allen, Martin Landau, Sal Landi, Lotis Key, Stacy Adams, Michele Little, and Gina Gershon











Boone (Shackelford) is a smuggler of counterfeit perfume and an international adventurer. When a TV news reporter, Jillian Grey (Allen) starts following a story about girls abducted from L.A. and put into white slavery camps, it leads her to the diabolical mastermind Geoffrey Cicero (Landau). Grey and her young daughter are then kidnapped. Meanwhile, three friends, K.C. (Gershon), Tina (Adams) and Lee (Little) are expecting a modeling agent to meet with them. It turns out it’s two of Cicero’s top goons, Sonya (Key) and Gil (Landi). The three girls are also kidnapped. When the girls, Jillian, and Boone all end up crossing paths, they make an unlikely force and they all fight to escape the clutches of Cicero and his minions. Will they get SWEET REVENGE?

While mostly a TV actor, Sweet Revenge seems to be the only starring film role of one Theodore T. Shackelford III, who modestly just goes by “Ted”. While he’s supposed to be an Indiana Jones-type hero, his smug, glib one-liners (which were perfect for the 80’s, let’s not forget) do tend to undercut the audience’s faith in him as a powerful central hero. He’s more of a jokester, a goofball. But the movie as a whole has a cartoonish, comic-booky vibe, where opponents are easily knocked over by the slightest touch, and muzzle flashes look painted-on. Add some triumphant, A-Team-style music over it all, and you have some dumb, but not offensively bad, video store shelf-filler that only could have existed in the 80’s.

Not to be confused with Best Revenge (1984), One Man Out (1989), Cocaine Wars (1985), or a myriad other items of this type, you really have to be a fan of rediscovering movies otherwise left languishing on video store shelves to appreciate Sweet Revenge. It has a lot of the hallmarks we look for when it comes to 80’s action: the disco scene, at least one pinball machine, exploding huts, and an exploding helicopter. But the movie it resembles most is Catch the Heat (1987). The goofy tone is similar, the climax is almost exactly the same, and they each got one major star: Catch the Heat got Rod Steiger, this has Martin Landau.

It must have been fun for Nancy Allen and Gina Gershon to run around the Philippines shooting machine guns and such. When we’re first introduced to Allen’s character, it seems she’s going to be another in a long line of female reporters who don’t do much. Thankfully, she basically becomes a gun-toting hero, along with her unlikely compatriots, some L.A. girls and Ted Shackelford. Strangely, that description makes the movie sound better than it really is. But the movie was kind of ahead of its time with its look at human trafficking, and Martin Landau as Cicero has his own logo. If you live in a palace surrounded by goons, and you have flags bearing your own personal emblem hanging all over the place, you might as well have a neon sign reading “BADDIE!” also outside your house. But Cicero makes no bones about the fact that he’s evil. He sometimes comes out of his house, says nothing, then turns right around and goes back in. Such are his powers of intimidation.

Released on VHS by Media, Sweet Revenge is a lightweight offering in just about every sense of the word. The 79 minute running time reinforces that, and is certainly welcome. While not a must-buy, you could do a lot worse than Sweet Revenge.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Black Gunn (1972)

Black Gunn (1972)-* *1\2

Directed By: Robert Hartford-Davis

Starring: Jim Brown, Martin Landau, Bernie Casey, Jeannie Bell, Herbert Jefferson Jr., and Luciana Paluzzi












Tom (possibly Tim, not really sure) Gunn (Brown) is the coolest, smoothest club owner in town. All the hippest people are seen at his Gunn Club, the cleverness of the name alone surely drawing them in. While Gunn is content to run his business and be the life of the party, his brother Scottie Gunn (Jefferson Jr.) is involved with weightier issues. He joins a Black Panthers-style revolutionary organization known as BAG, or, the Black Action Group. It seems BAG has stolen some “payoff books” and money from the mob, notably Russ Capelli (Landau), who most people know as a used car salesman whose TV commercials show him as a trustworthy guy. When tragedy befalls Scottie, the elder Gunn must wage a one-man war against Capelli’s gang. Will he ever get answers, with cops and politicians dogging his every move?

Black Gunn is a typical example of the Blaxploitation of the time, so much so, it seems to be one of the main templates for parodies such as I’m Gonna Git You Sucka (1988), which also starred Bernie Casey, and Black Dynamite (2009). Jim Brown is beyond low-key as our hero Gunn. He whispers all his lines, but he always looks cool in his fly threads. He even makes bowties look stylish and not nerdy. Martin Landau should have been in the movie more, because Black Gunn as a whole needed a strong, central villain. He’s more than capable of filling that role, but for most of the movie, we actually forgot Landau was on board! He kind of shows up, then goes away and shows back up at the end. Landau should have gotten more screen time.

Highlights include the funky soundtrack by Tony Osborne, the classic evil whiteys, its total lack of political correctness, including racial slurs you could never do today, and some cultural references: there are numerous allusions to Vietnam, and certain characters coming back from that conflict. Additionally, there’s the line “It’ll make Watts look like a Saturday night in Disneyland!” - indicating some of the tensions of the time. But the problem is the movie as a whole is too long and has too many extended, pointless scenes. Yes, it does have some gunplay and explosions, and maybe a few fights, but Black Gunn could have reached a much higher level if the whole thing had been streamlined: shorter running time, more action. Not that the movie is bad, really, but there’s a bit too much fat. And the ending is lame.

Interestingly, and correct us if we’re wrong here, but Black Gunn never received a VHS release during the Golden Age era of the video store, at least here in America. Its cult Blaxploitation status had to grow from other means, such as foreign releases, poster and film prints, and write-ups in such books as That’s Blaxploitation! by Darius James and others. It did get a DVD release in the 00’s, so stateside Blaxploitation fans could finally see it. The results...are mixed. It has a lot of things fans of the sub-genre love, but it’s a bit bloated for its own good.

Fans of Blaxploitation, Jim Brown, Bernie Casey, and even the briefly seen Jeannie Bell (known for TNT Jackson, 1974), and even Luciana Paluzzi will want to check out Black Gunn. Casual viewers might not be as into it. After all, as great as Martin Landau is, as a Blaxploitation baddie, he’s no Monroe Feather.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Cyclone (1987)

Cyclone (1987)-* * *

Directed by: Fred Olen Ray

Starring: Heather Thomas, Jeffery Combs, Ashley Ferrare, Troy Donahue, Dar Robinson, Michael Reagan, Huntz Hall, Tim Conway Jr, and Martin Landau












Cyclone is the tale of a radically awesome motorcycle and the people that want to get their hands on its secret energy source. Jeffrey Combs plays Rick Davenport, a nerdy, scientific type who has developed the multi-million dollar “Cyclone”, and even its helmet, which shoots lasers. For some reason, this dork’s girlfriend is Heather Thomas, who’s the hottest thing on two legs. When evildoers kill Rick (not a spoiler because it happens so early on in the film), it’s up to Teri Marshall (Thomas) - presumably no relation to Joe “Samurai” Marshall of Samurai Cop (1989) infamy - to protect the “clean energy” source. Everyone wants this thing, and there’s a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top - the big boss causing all the conflict is one Bosarian (Landau), the man sending out all the goons. Will Teri ride off into the sunset on the Cyclone?

Director Fred Olen Ray assembled a major cast for this one - besides the aforementioned Thomas, Combs and Landau, we also have Martine Beswicke as a police chief, Troy Donahue as Rick’s old contact, and they even dug up the legendary Huntz Hall, whose extensive career goes back to the thirties. Tim Conway, Jr. and Michael Reagan are teamed up as two of the dumbest cops in movie history. I wonder what their fathers would have thought. Bruce Fairbairn is on hand as Lt. Cutter, while Dawn Wildsmith plays one of the female baddies.

A standout scene occurs when Rick and Teri pay a visit to the Lava Club to see a band called Haunted Garage. A lot of funny dancing is seen, as well as Teri’s memorable outfit. The band doesn’t seem that talented musically, but they are able to crank out their signature tune, “Devil Metal” with aplomb and it will be stuck in your head for days. Speaking of the music, Joe Pizzolo provides the moody anthem “Are You Too Tough” as well as the memorable “Riding on the Edge of Night”, which provides the soundtrack for Teri riding the Cyclone down the streets of L.A. This guy could easily be the next Robert Tepper.

Because some of the themes in the movie revolve around clean energy and leaked information, Cyclone seems pretty ahead of its time. But really, it’s just comic-booky good fun and not meant to be taken all that seriously. It appears fairly tongue-in-cheek in the classic Fred Olen Ray way.  Thomas carries the movie on her looks alone, but she is amply supported by an army of B-movie names in this somewhat fluffy outing.

It ends with some impressive stunts and explosions, after the prerequisite chase scenes. I think there’s even a “NOoooooo!” somewhere in the mix, but the beeps and lasers coming from the soundtrack/Cyclone are pretty distracting.

Lastly, the film is dedicated to Dar Robinson, the legendary stuntman and actor. His final acting role was as Rolf in this film.

For the cast and to see Heather Thomas, Cyclone is worth it. Also helmet lasers.

Comeuppance Review by: Brett and Ty

Firehead (1991)

Firehead (1991)-* * *

Directed by: Peter Yuval

Starring: Chris Lemmon, Gretchen Becker, Lauren Levy, Brett Porter, Christopher Plummer, and a Special Appearance by: Martin Landau




"The Power to Destroy the World...And the Will to Save It!"







Just when you thought AIP had run out of insane ideas...they really outdo themselves with Firehead, the story of an Estonian superdude who can shoot lasers out of his eyes and is pals with Chris Lemmon. We're not kidding.

At the height of the cold war, Ivan Tigor (Porter) leaves his communist homeland and escapes to America. He is going around blowing up military installations, so energetic but dopey research scientist Warren Hart(Lemmon) teams up with beautiful military officer and scientist Buchanan (Becker) to find the truth. This upsets Colonel Garland Vaughn (Plummer) who is a member of a secret, underground cult called the Upper Order who meet in secret and are planning World War III. Meanwhile, The President (Ed Kearney) and Secretary Fallbright (George Elliot) are all involved. 

Did we mention Tigor can shoot lasers out of his eyes and the origin of this is not really explained? So now Tigor and Hart are on the run with only Tigor's lasers and sometimes forcefields to help them.

This odd and zany AIP entry has some wacky humor thanks to Chris Lemmon. He's always yelling "Jesus Christ!" Most of his lines in the film either start or end with him exhorting the name of some people's Lord and Savior. His 12 year old daughter in the film, inexplicably named Smith (Levy), is a plucky genius who drives a car and seems to have some fun saying wordy, scientific dialogue. She has an ALF doll in her room. She practically steals the film, in much the same way Sarah Dampf did for Stealth Fighter (1999). Too bad the two tweens never starred together in a movie. They could team up and fight crime or something. Her energetic, loquacious performance contrasts completely with Brett Porter's monosyllabic, monotonous Arnold Schwarzenegger/Dolph Lundgren/Matthias Hues-style delivery. The film does borrow somewhat from Red Heat (1988). I guess we were running low on English-as-a-second-language action stars. Thank you Brett Porter.



Martin Landau puts in a "special appearance" as Pendleton. He mutters some exposition and looks bewildered. He seems to be thinking "What am I doing in Firehead?" Same thing goes for Christopher Plummer (who has either won or been nominated for every award under the sun) - a usually respectable actor who decided if he was gonna slum, he was really gonna SLUM. You kind of feel bad/embarrassed for him. But maybe he had fun. We don't know. Someone ask him and get back to us. 

Chris Lemmon looks like a cross between Joe Piscopo and Wings Hauser in this film. He seems to care a bit too much about every little thing that happens. Gretchen Becker is on hand as the eye candy but she's much more than that - she sings the powerful end credits theme song as well.

There is a lot of mumbo-jumbo in the film, such as some gobbledygook about the "special operations computer bank" (which has its own jaunty theme music), and our heroes and government agents trapped in a building before a deadly virus is released. Yet they never take any time to explain Ivan's superpowers.

Think of this movie as AIP's attempt at being topical. It is incredibly silly and Ivan's laser eyes are the main draw. But we think they held back on using the effect too much to save money.

"Fire" up the VCR for this classic tonight!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty and Brett